Impatience: The Emotional Chameleon

A couple of years ago, my bright, healthy son started having meltdowns every time we did math.  He had just started multiplication and division with vigor, but out of nowhere couldn't seem to think straight every time we opened the books.  The insecure parent/educator inside of me took over my brain and I started assuming he was just going to struggle with math.  He would complain its too hard and just dreaded doing any math.  This was a hurdle I had feared might come because he was took after me and favored reading over math.  I panicked a bit at the thought of years of struggle when it came to math.  Still, we went after it and I started noticing things that just didn't make sense.  Sometimes he had no trouble at all, knowing answers right off the top of his head and completing work quickly.  Other times he was frozen in the "I can't!" mode that every child seems to be preprogrammed with.  Over about 4-6 weeks I discovered that my son did not have any legitimate learning problems, mathematical or otherwise.  Instead, my handsome and big hearted son was very impatient!  The new elements he was learning sometimes took 3-4 seconds rather than the 1-2 seconds of the past to understand or produce a correct answer.  He absolutely could understand and do the work when he bothered to try, but like all of us feel sometimes, he just didn't want to take the time.

Impatience is something that we easily sweep under the rug as a minor issue that toddlers and brats who should know better give in to fits when food doesn't come fast enough.  But impatience masquerades as all kinds of things.  I've thought myself to be a lot of different things in my life - stressed, overwhelmed, anxious, inadequate, angry, frustrated, entitled, critical, indecisive, and numerous others - but rarely have I thought that I struggle with impatience.  When you think of any of those states of being, they can easily be the result of an impatient feeling.  When something is too hard or another person isn't doing it quite right, it's common and easy for us to react out of impatience.  This impatience is especially hard to see when it has to do with our needs and wants.  When other people aren't giving us what we think we deserve or need, isn't it easy to overreact?  Turning my attention to God and asking Him for wisdom on how and when to react isn't usually my first instinct.  

The American landscape is definitely in turmoil right now and, if you're like me, you spent the whole summer hoping and praying that it would just end already.  "When will things go back to normal?" we asked.  Regardless of what you may think normal is or should be, clearly God is allowing this mess for learning purposes.  As my son has now figured out, learning harder things takes a little more time than easier things.  New things aren't naturally going to be easy, but likely challenging just because you've never done this before.  I have never parented and educated a 9, 7 and 3 year old in the midst of virus chaos and political chaos at 40 years old.  I'm also trying to aggressively lose weight, take on a new role at our co-op, and live life with my husband at home 98% of the time.  All new and challenging things, no matter their value or positive gain.  

In our house we have lovingly defined patience as waiting with a good attitude.  That sounds nice, doesn't it? Especially when you're talking to a small child who just wants to go already.  But it falls on deaf ears a lot when you're worrying about your loved one alone in the hospital or the extra money you were counting on is now gone,  Or the world feels utterly out of control with fear and destruction looming in every direction.  It almost feels insulting to tell yourself to be patient.  And yet, waiting just a moment longer can make a difference.  

I'm trying to do a lot of new or challenging things right now that some days just seem too hard.  They are good things and honestly, aren't too hard.  I just want them to come easier and to feel in complete control much more often than I do. I'm thinking that patience - intentionally waiting with a GOOD attitude - is where I need to focus more of my attention right now.  How about you? 

The Treasure in a Closet

Standing in the kids' closet, hanging up size 3T dress shirts belonging to my last little boy, it suddenly sunk in.  In Luke 2:19 it says that she (Mary) treasured all these things in her heart, talking about her son, Jesus.  I know what it means - I'm a mother and a Bible student so I've read it several times before.  But standing in front of a collection of clothes including a few kept from when his big brother was that size, I suddenly treasured these things in my heart in a way I had never experienced before.  Snapshots of memories flashed through my mind and a strange comfort came over me because I had been there for every one.  I was a witness to these three babies' lives in a way that no other human was able to be.  I was there.  There's no assurance of the next 10 years, but for these past I am so thankful I was able to be there.

Being a mother is hard. Being a stay at home mom plus a homeschooling one can be lonely, despite constantly being surrounded by people.  It's a 24/7 job that is full of thankless tasks and revolving doors of work.  I'm pretty strong-willed and I'm married to a really strong-minded guy, so I want to do all the things great! But truth be told, it's wearisome some days, especially with an almost 3 year old who goes about destroying at the speed of lightening. I've accepted the hardness of it for a while, but keeping the joy in it is something I fail at quite a bit.  As a newlywed, the ideas of homemaking were so exciting and fulfilling, but as usual real life is just harder than I thought it would be.  But standing in a closet today, deeply aware of how soon it will pass by, I was just so thankful that I was given the best seat in the house.

This moment in life - where my 9 year old son wears bigger shoes than I, my 6 year old daughter having to learn how to manicure her strength of will with gentleness, and my baby full of joy and magic that I know will start to change soon - is being cast to a backdrop of unrest in our country and mountains of stress and pain that we, as their parents, are working to shield them from as best we can.  We are still trying to learn how to be whole and healthy, despite life bearing down hard.  In this age of adulthood, where people disappoint and hurt us, it's our job to process it and filter it with God's will in mind and provide these growing souls strength and wisdom to grow in.  I remember thinking once when I was much younger how easy I thought it would be to avoid being a stumbling block to one of these little ones. Oh, how youth can deceive.  One of my biggest fears now is that my pain or foolishness will cause my little ones to stumble.

Living through life's changes is complicated and I don't know what I'm doing most of the time.  Today, I'm just thankful for all the treasured giggles and hugs and love that I have the privilege of soaking up.

Designed to Create

"Look, mom! Can I have your phone?"      "Mom, take a picture of me!"

"Did you get a picture of my -insert creation of the hour- ?"

In my house having three children means there will probably be too many used cups on the counter, a small mountain of clothes in the laundry room and a child always creating something that I must document in some way!  This morning it was a Valentine's box (2 weeks after the holiday) before breakfast.  The other day the 2 year old spaced out blocks on the living room rug and begged me to take a picture.  This week alone my crafty daughter created a terrarium, play dough birthday cake, and several posters advertising the circus (her personal one woman show she performed for us).  Creating is a vital part of their whole body development and while it can sometimes grow repetitive to us as parents, it is a beautiful thing.

Do you still have the opportunity in your life to create in some way?  Unless you have a dedicated art as your job or hobby, you might be one of the many who have forgotten just how invigorating the creative play process is.  It's the way we were designed to develop and then be sustained.  So the next time to feel a desire to build or paint something, don't deny yourself on the grounds that it is childish or a waste of time. It's neither and one of the healthiest things you can do for yourself!

What Do Parents Get Out of Homeschooling?

What if homeschooling was just as important for parent's growth as it is their children's education?

For every time a child complains that they aren't skilled enough to do something, there are plenty of adults who encourage them to grow and in time better develop their skills.  That's what parenting is about - teaching them to learn and grow.  Why do we completely forget that reality when facing our own reality?  I'll tell you why.  Parents are tired, stressed and often caught longing for a reality (free of worry, fewer expenses, and smaller waistlines) that no longer exists.  A lot of our life is merely about survival and has zero time to worry about growth.  And yet, as children of God we are called to grow.

As most people know, we decided to homeschool our children before our oldest was even born.  It was a choice that I felt really confident in because I had experience in music, education and working with children.  I didn't love the necessary constraints of a typical public school system and was impressed by the growing homeschool community here in Oklahoma so it became a really easy decision for us.  At that time, I think the motivation to homeschool was 100% for my kids and their benefit.  The added responsibility of their education, no automatic breaks from my children and the stress of going against the grain were not things I loved or wanted in my life, but merely necessary price tags of this chosen lifestyle.

What if I told you that now, after heading down this homeschool path for 9 years, Mr. Butler and I benefit just as much as our kids?

Homeschooling has made us better parents.  Spending 6-8 hours a (week) day away from my kids - even if it is spent at work - allows me to hide a lot from my kids and they me.  Being the one who has to enforce schoolwork on a daily basis or having a continual audience or witness to my weaknesses forces me to face reality a bit more.  A good kid who rarely would argue with his teacher at school, may not hold back quite so much for his familiar parents.  That makes for a harder job on the parent, but once it is under control, you can have greater confidence in the child's learning of the lesson.  While it can hurt at first, this path keeps us accountable by insisting that I grow and that is truly a gift.

Homeschooling has given us freedom.  When we set our own schedule, we have the freedom to live life in the way that is important to us.  In most scenarios, we don't have to miss things because of bedtimes or school schedules, instead we simply adjust accordingly with naps or sleeping in the next day. When sickness or babies come into the mix, everywhere adjusts together.  We can take days/weeks off for special occasions or vacations whenever is appropriate for us.  We can create the life and space that we want to a very large degree.  Of course, we are limited by Mr. Butler's work schedule, but when he has days off like Martin Luther King Jr. Day, he can spend the day with us while we are doing school.

Homeschooling Pushes Us To Learn New Things.  When I'm not the one making the lesson plan, it is easy to check-out and let the person in charge worry about it.  While that can be nice when you have a dozen other things to do, it causes me to miss out on something that I could learn and share with my children at the same time!  As I'm choosing subjects to explore with the kids, it is only natural that my my interests are piqued and I find myself diving in further than if it was some assigned project they brought home from somewhere else.  And as we all know, learning new things is good for health and longevity not to mention part of God's design for our beautifully crafted brains.


Most of the time these blessings are available to any family, whether they homeschool or not, but it is far more difficult when other entities are determining your child's time and subject matter most of the day.  Intentional parenting and a strong family dynamic is within everyone's reach, but, like an education taylored to a child's individual needs, it's really challenging without the freedom of homeschooling.  If home educating isn't a possibility or desirable in your family, you probably didn't read this far and I'm not really writing to you.  Aside from God and His word, nothing is a perfect fit for everyone.  The person I'm really thinking about is that parent who has thought about it and been tempted by it, but then convinced themselves they couldn't do it because their child won't listen to them or they don't feel educated enough to be responsible for their the child's education.  The really cool thing about this lifestyle is that everyone is learning  here!  If you can find a video on YouTube on how to change any part on any appliance in your house or enough information on any random weed in your yard for an extensive research project, you can find the help you need if you desire to teach your kids at home.  Beyond that, there are so many blessings even for us parents that make this choice worthwhile.

If you have more specific questions about what it takes to homeschool, I was fortunate to write an article about it for The Old Schoolhouse Magazine called "Can I Pull My Child Out of Public School?"

Fighting Satan Right Into 2020

We have a New Year's tradition tradition in our family that predates my birth by many years.  We gather for a series of gospel meetings and on New Year's Eve, sing songs from memory up until midnight where we pray the new year in.  There are some years where there might be up to a 1000 people attend.  Just imagine a 1000 member choir singing your favorite hymn!  There is truly nothing like it.  Sadly, tonight I'm not there and instead home with one sick kid and another really-exhausted-and-no-good-to-anybody-this-tired toddler.  I was really heartbroken when I realized we needed to stay home, but as the night has progressed, I've been working really hard to battle against Satan's fiery darts.  What better to do when everyone else is in bed than to write about it?

In 2019, some really amazing things have happened in our family.  I recovered a good part of my brain again after Rory's pregnancy and first months drained me of it.  A was given the gift of friendship in a couple of very significant ways - something that I had been praying for for a long time.  Randy has made personal growth such a priority for him that our marriage and little family has healed and flourished so richly this year. All of this together has healed some deep wounds in me personally and facilitated a level of peace and contentment I have never known before.  I prayed one Sunday morning that I might sanctify my family through my relationship with them and through so many turn of events God has answered that prayer and so many others this year.

Even as I sit listening to the beautiful singing across town through the magic of technology, I am so sad and cycling through sobs at not being able to be there in person, but I know that God has been glorified this year.  What better reason for Satan to try to discourage me?  God has prevailed in all the ways Satan has attacked before, it's not a surprise that he would put this kind of roadblock in my way.  Much like the secret of the cross that Satan didn't see coming, this blow only highlights the real victory.

I don't know what this next year will bring, but I'm sure Satan will try to use it to fight against the Lord.  What I do know is that prayers are answered.  Sometimes quickly, sometimes oh so painfully slow.  But if we sincerely ask, the blessings will come - in the most unusual ways and places. 

I pray you have a beautiful start to this brand new year and if you need a safe space to talk, I'm happy to listen!

-Amy

Real Talk: The Importance of a Safe Space

Real life - not staged perfection - is really important to me.  As a kid who got to grow up outside of social media, I can see how important it can be to see life as it is, especially in coping emotionally with our place in the world.  When we believe the carefully crafted photos actually depict the quality of relationships on the ride home or in the bathroom before bed, we start applying a standard to our own life that is unreasonable at best.  Social media aside, there is a lot of pressure to give the impression that everything in our life is great! Holiday events and parties are stressful for a lot of reasons, but largely because we want all of our insecurities and failures to instantly disappear, leaving only the best elements of us on display.  Some of the most iconic television or movie scenes involve sore attempts to deceive family into thinking the main character isn't single/broke/failing/etc.  Our culture loves a good hiding of the truth, doesn't it?

As a person who just wants to cut to the chase and have some real talk in every conversation, I have learned that not every situation can handle real talk.  Some people don't care.  Sometimes there's not enough time.  Some people can't handle that much reality.  But for you friend, there must be a place where you can have some real talk with real feedback that you aren't going to start a royal war over.  Why? Growth will abound when we can honestly process our experiences in a safe environment.  Without this real talk, growth just doesn't happen very quickly, if at all because so much of our time is spent trying to keep the illusion going that everything is fine.  So many of us are carrying around emotional burdens that quickly become too much, but we keep suffering and often cause real damage to ourselves and others.  It's easy to underestimate how important just talking to someone about what we're dealing with, but it can be one of the most freeing experiences you can have - especially when you are struggling with something heavy. 

If you are blessed with a friendship that is safe and honest, take advantage of it! Many people don't.  If you are blessed financially (insurance benefits or otherwise), take advantage of professional counseling!  There is zero reason it should have a stigma attached to it anymore because it is often as simple as just having a conversation about what's troubling you.  It can be no different than chatting with  an emotionally available mother that warmly invites you to tell her all about it.  And for those times in your life when there just isn't anyone able to listen, pull out some paper and pen and just write.  Write until the tears come and then write until there aren't anymore.  If you can't bear the thought of it being read or you don't want to keep it, feel free to immediately burn it.  The important part is that it is now outside of you and decreasing the pressure place on your heart.

I'm not a professional counselor (though I've thought about it before) and I do not have all the answers, but I'm always happy to listen when someone needs to talk.  If you need to chat or help finding someone you feel comfortable talking with, I would love to help you.  Rich or poor, young or old, we all just need help understanding what's going on in our world and inside of us. 

A Purpose of Parenting: To Balance Your Kids

Over the course of about a week, the Race Car has taken up baseball.  This 1 year old kid is now running around with a foam bat (though he gravitates to the metal, heavy ones whenever he can) and ball looking for someone to pitch to him.  He moves the bat onto the left shoulder, hands gripped in good form and then crouches his whole body down (sometimes so low he falls over) ready for the pitch.  It's adorable and a little mind-blowing how fast he's picked it up, but incredibly consistent with his personality.  Just like his father, when he sets his sights on something he goes after it and sees nothing else.

As I was reading to him before bed (something that is a struggle because he just wants to go, do and resist being still), I tried to work with him saying a couple of words.  As a typical third child, he's taking a little longer to get those words flowing.  It's especially hard with an extra talkative older sister who wants to be in the middle of everything.  The book was about tails so we worked on the T sound and then tried to get him to repeat the word.  Once I got the other two kids to quit interrupting, he gladly pushed out the T sounds and then grinned like crazy when I insisted at the whole word.  We finished and then he jumped up, turning around for a hug.  It occurred to me that I really needed to do that more often - work with him without the other two hanging all over him.  He does mama, dada, ball, go, and just recently mastered uh-oh, but he's capable of so much more if he would only slow down and try it.

And then the entire purpose of parenting came into focus.  We get hung up on different learning styles, disciplining methods and personality types, but the big picture is balance.  With each child God has entrusted to me, it has been my job to know them.  Knowing them means that I learn their weaknesses which should inform my parenting of them - show me where they need balancing.  I have 3 children and a husband who would rather go and do than just about anything.  In my relationships with them, I am learning to help them slow down.  The child that is afraid of hard things (even though highly capable of them) does better when they are forced to learn every aspect of that hard thing in order to master it with patience.  The child with all the words needs help respecting other people's need for silence.  This baby of mine is an amazing accomplisher and I'm learning it is my job to open up his awareness to other great things to accomplish, not just the ones on his radar.

Through conversations and maybe even some ad on Facebook, I've heard a lot of opinions about letting children decide for themselves about how they will be disciplined or what they will do or eat.  It seems to be a trend of some sort that suggests if a child doesn't prefer it then the decree has been set.  And I understand, to a point, because I want my kids to be happy.  I don't want them to resent me or have anxiety over something forced upon them.  However, I am seeing in all of my children the value of filling in the gaps between where they prefer to be and where they could be.

If I let her, my daughter would eat fruit non-stop and rarely have protein - if ever!  Do you know what kind of emotional wreck that girl would be if she didn't get enough protein in the day?  Seriously, she would be on her way to diet-induced diabetes.  As her parent, I see her weaknesses (emotionally and physically) and educate her preferences.  Last month we had some particularly stressful meltdowns regarding J and his math studies.  For that period of time, if I had let him decide he would never mess with math again.  It was hard (he thought) and didn't want to do it.  3 weeks later he's excitedly speeding through multiplication tables to impress his dad.  He just needed a little more patience than he felt like having that week.

Of course, there are always varying techniques on how to parent and carry out rules and consequences, but don't ever believe the lie that a child must like, prefer or be in love with everything they do.  It is our job to balance, equip and build up.  All of those things requires growth and that means change.  If your family never sets out to grow, then you are all likely to miss the mark.  Our relationship with our kids is meant for us to provide balance - a balance that keeps them rooted to the things that matter and that helps them choose wisely even when it isn't comfortable.

The Importance of Being a Loser

I wanted to cry.  Miss Z's soccer team had just made a goal - their first goal of the entire season.  Before you go calling me a silly soccer mom, know that this was the next to last game of the season.  They hadn't scored a single goal all season long.  That unbelievable moment - a moment that we as parents and spectators had begun to think wouldn't happen this season - was full of delirious screams and wild jumping around.  We still lost the game, but went on to score two more times after that and were just as excited every time.  These girls had worked hard, but had a few things working against them all season.  They were a new team, for one.  They only had 2 subs while most teams had 4 or 5.  And since they were low on sign-ups, they were a combination of age levels playing up in half the team's case and physically smaller than most of their opponents.  All things that weren't anyone's fault really and we had certainly seen growth in just a few short weeks but none of that helps much when you're feeling discouraged at the losses. So, when a shot finally went in today, you better believe we rejoiced!

Losing, whether it be in sports or any part of life, is just that way.  When you experience poverty, you have a greater appreciation for abundance.  When you lose loved ones early in life, you have a great capacity to appreciate those around you now.  Losing means struggling.  Struggling gives you the chance to learn things and to grow in ways not possible otherwise.  In sports it is natural and tempting to want your child to be on a winning team.  When your team isn't winning you might talk bad about the other team or give the refs a hard time or even switch teams just to avoid losing.  We all can slip into a sore loser mentality and make a 7 year old's soccer game about our personal validation.  But, let me remind you that not only does it make you look foolish, but also your child misses the chance to learn skills to help her thrive in life for years to come.

Did you read that right? Losing a soccer game or not getting the lead or even getting dealt the worst hand in life, is usually one of the biggest catalysts in personal development and growth.  Life is full of losses and the most successful people are the ones who struggle enough to actually learn how to do it better next time.  Not to mention that the gratitude for the wins is so much bigger and sweeter when you have really lost and then found success with much effort.  As parents we are wired to not want our kids to hurt, but sometimes we forget the purpose in some of that pain.

As much as I want to see that beautiful daughter of mine score a dozen goals, if only to see her excitement, it is more important to see her face any looming mountain in her life with endurance, ingenuity and an attitude to try again when she loses.  I love it when my kids win, as we all should I think, but today reminded me how valuable losing truly is to being a success in life.

When Marriage Gets Worse Before It Gets Better

The refining years.

You don't know what you don't know.  That sums up marriage, doesn't it?  We're all good-hearted people here, but there is so much baggage that we're carrying with us that we don't even realize is there until it's silently causing problems everywhere.  With all the variables of jobs, kids, moves and extended family elements, every couple's timeline is different, but generally speaking there is a stage where a marriage gets worse before it gets better.  We don't usually like to talk about it because it feels like admitting to failure somehow, but I think that is a misconception.

You have likely read a story about how silver is refined in a fire and that it isn't purified until everything else is burned off at very high temperatures.  Marriage is a continual picture of this.  Our marriage may begin with impurities and it certainly can pick up dirt and unproductive films.  As we are going through life together we often have at least two choices.  We can all sit in our filth, allowing it to poison us against each other or we can endure the fires that allow us to throw off all the junk allowing this relationship to become this entirely new thing.  Your marriage just might get worse before it gets better, but it may be the only way for it to truly get better. 

39: A Year of Preparation

I turned 39 a couple of weeks ago.  Since the new year began we have had a lot of sickness in our house, I have had some depression, and two deaths, one of which was really sudden and completely unexpected.  It's January and it's cold.  When all of these things collide, even the introvert starts to feel isolated and alone.  Now that everyone appears to be staying well, it feels like I'm starting the new year all over again, except January is almost gone!

Before life so rudely interrupted me, I had big plans for 39.  I've coined it my year of preparation.  I know 40 is just a number, but it still causes you to take stock in your life and evaluate where you have succeeded or not.  And since I have a tendency to rush ahead and borrow trouble, I've pre-evaluated myself at 40 and found myself wanting.  Since I don't particularly appreciate failure (even if it is self-inflated), I've decided to spend this year preparing for 40.

I guess failure is a strong word.  What I'm really circling around are the ways I haven't reached my potential.  The physical toll running a household, having children and homeschooling them has taken on my body and mind is far greater than I ever anticipated.  My natural inclinations to read, play/sing music, creatively explore in general have been muted at best by the very significant needs of the precious souls running around my house.  In short, I just haven't kept in mental shape the way I expected to (before kids).

My baby is almost 2 (in April), Mr. Butler and I are committed to getting in better shape physically, and there are no major hurdles preventing healthier habits.  So, here are a few areas where I'm committing to spending more time in this year:

- Reading, both the Bible and other good books.  I'm determined to reignite this love!

- Music: Singing and playing the piano are things that have come easily to me when I spend time in them.  For mental health, I need to invest more time here.

- Writing as a Practice.  With extra time being more of a luxury after kids, my writing has been by demand rather than an exercise routine.  I need to exercise my writing with the intent to cultivate quality and creativity.

- Friendship.  I'm not great at friendship without full plate.  I'm awkward and nervous and terrified of bothering people. But I'm also lonely a lot.  So, pursuing friendship is mandatory this year.

Regrets are just so ugly and I want to have as few as possible.  Setting some intentions and goals for this year is one of the best ways to diminish the number of regrets I have AND cultivate a healthier version of me!

Purpose In The Pain

I think every homeschool parent hesitates—at least in the beginning—to share their children’s academic difficulties for fear of being judged and told they should quit. Of course, we want our kids to do well for their own sake, but when a parent invests so much of themselves into this adventure and lifestyle, we can get self-conscious about swimming upstream. The last thing we need is someone in our ear suggesting it’s been a good run, but now its time to stop kidding ourselves. For the next time you are tempted to give in to the peer pressure that shouldn’t matter (but for some reason today really does), let me encourage you to use the struggles to teach your family a greater lesson. No matter what we’re talking about, when we look at life with wisdom and perspective, there is a purpose in the pain and struggles.

The other night I was trying to explain what I was upset about to my husband but was unsuccessful and not handling it well. Suddenly, the parallel to my daughter’s behavior earlier in the day was blatantly obvious. The struggle that she and I have in dealing with each other (because of our fiery similarities) is what I’ve heard many parents give as the reason they could never homeschool. But that same struggle is what teaches me to be a better mother to her and teaches me how I have to grow. When we are successful at resolving these explosions of emotion or headstrong gridlock, we are becoming more like Christ and gaining skills for life!

As a society that has championed the instantaneous and speed, we just give up too soon. The message that if it doesn’t work out right away, then it probably never will is given through the culture’s attitude toward relationships, toward physical labor, and general health. When it takes work we are more inclined to try for something easier. What a tragedy when we miss the huge blessing and success that could be ours with just a different perspective.

The boy whose father failed him can break the cycle with children of his own. Any academic struggle can bring forth a work ethic that doesn’t come when things are learned with ease. A tragedy can teach coping and genuine empathy in the future. Financial struggles can bring generosity and charity when things have turned around. Any time we find ourselves blocked somehow in teaching our children—butting heads because of personalities, a genuine learning difficulty, or just trying to spark curiosity where there is none—it is a huge opportunity to accomplish something great. The successes in life are where we work through a struggle.

It isn’t the seven-foot-tall guy who happens to be good at basketball that we’re impressed by or the child born into wealth affording college that we say is special. It’s the person born with a physical difficulty who goes on to the Olympics or the great orator who began with a terrible stutter. Overcoming the struggles is what makes us great!

 This post was originally published by Homeschooling With Heart Blog from The Old Schoolhouse.

The Slow Journey to Health: A Weight-loss Update

I have always been insecure about my weight and size - even when I had ZERO reasons to be. Still, when you're thin, young and healthy it is so easy to judge other people who gain weight and don't ever get rid of it.  I know, I know - YOU would never think that way, but let's face it, we all judge secretly from time to time, especially about the things that seem simple or easy to us.  That is until we have to deal with it ourselves.  Age, disease, stress and, well, having children can certainly catch up to you in the body department.  I'm at 16 months postpartum and I don't have any impressive stats to brag about.  I'm sure to the moms of 4+ kids, I sound naive, but keeping up with 3 kids is hard, man.  It takes up all the time and energy and space that you started with and explodes feelings, stains and chaos all over it.  Even if losing weight was a no-brainer for me at one kid (which it's not), at 3 kids and 38 years old, it's going to be a lot tougher.

I guess it sounds like I'm gearing up for a big excuse party and learn to love yourself kind of post.  That's important to have some days, because we are just so cruel to ourselves behind the scenes.  But, that's not why I'm writing today.  I'm writing today to say that the journey to health - from disease, weight-gain or whatever - is often longer than we feel it should be.  I can't claim an awesome number of pounds lost over the summer or anything, which to some might be incredibly discouraging.  16 months! Let's do this already, right?  Well, the thing is, I AM doing it.  All of my clothes are looser, certain areas (where I may have carried a 10 lb baby around in) have tightened up, I have more brain power and more energy.  It's working! It's not revolutionary or mind-blowing, but it's another confirmation that - in my life anyway - a balanced, slow and steady approach wins every time!

I can't speak for everyone else's body or journey in and out of health, but for me weight-loss means detoxing.  Those fat cells hold on to all kinds of junk and getting rid of fat cells requires getting rid of the junk too.   Every 4-7 days, especially when I'm exercising well, I develop detoxing symptoms  (like mild nausea, headaches, body aches, fatigue, etc.).  They aren't pleasant for sure, but they tell me I'm doing something right! Clean eating, exercising and some great herbs that support cleansing and detoxing are where the magic happens around here.  I say magic, but it's more like exhausting uphill battle that takes much longer than you feel like it should. 

When it comes to your health, it is never worthwhile to give up.  The process of healing and recovery - no matter what we're talking about - takes time.  And that can be so frustrating.  Still, I want to encourage you to know that it is worth it.  Do you feel overwhelmed and defeated because of your health?  Did you try a little bit and it was so hard that you gave up?  Maybe it is blood pressure or blood sugar issues.  Or trauma and anxiety? I have had to deal with a lot of those in my life and my family.  You're not alone and if you need a friend to encourage you, I would be honored.  Either way, I'll keep you posted on my progress.  It IS hard, but it's not impossible.  

When Life Changes You

Every stage of life brings about changes.  There is always plenty of physical changes that are normal.  If we move schools, homes, or jobs, our physical locations change.  If we are 'normal' our wants and desires change over time too.  But then there are crises or traumatic events that change you even further.  Returning to what is normal after that is sometimes not possible or not even desirable anymore.  The older you get, the more life may change you.  Is that good?  Is that the way it is 'supposed' to be?

I have an adorable little boy who just learned to walk.  He's extra adorable to me because he resembles another little boy who is now 7.  J and the Race Car embody two very different stages in my life.  One is newness, naivety and deep wells of feelings.  The other is bursting with activity, seasoned joy and determination.  And yet to me they are just two sides of a ball (another thing they share a love for).  This walk of motherhood has brought about changes in me.  This decade (plus) of marriage has brought about growing pains and harsh realities.  Shock and grief took hold of me last summer after a season of severe change. As it turned out, I had all kinds of emotions tied up in my sweet dog, Grace and when she died this final part of my shifting identity went with it.  Who I was when I first got her was completely gone (it felt like).

That feeling of change can be empowering and assuring, but sometimes it is unfamiliar and unsettling.  Or better yet, to me it is just overwhelming sometimes.  I feel loyalty to this person I used to be and the priorities she had, but the life that now is holds so many different things.  The reality is I cannot honor both fully at the same time and to try undermines it all.  So what can be done when life changes you and you're not exactly okay with it all?  I guess the same thing we always need to do when we don't like what we're getting.

-Accentuate the POSITIVE.  Be thankful about all things. Life is different and not what we expected, but that's not all bad.  Many of the things I dreamed of having or doing in my adult years are mine.   A God who has never left me without hope, a committed husband, healthy children, a taste of the country, many freedoms to do what I want.

-Set a Game Plan.  When things don't work out like you want, then it is usually time for a new and improved plan perhaps with slightly adjusted goals.  Instead of wallowing in what isn't, it's time to take what is and look for what it could be. 

The changing is never going to stop, so I'm told, but it is worthwhile to do it in as healthy a way as possible.

Who Will Balance You?

I witnessed something just really petty and mean-spirited this weekend and left feeling disgusted about it.  As I tried to process it, all I could wonder is how a person could stoop so low and considering the circumstances not have moved on and grown up.  Do you ever just shake your head at people's unwillingness to even try to grow? Sometimes I catch myself excusing some people as if they were young and still learning.  I guess that's because I feel like I'm young and still learning, but I am 38.  Not old (unless you ask my kids), but certainly not young in the traditional sense anymore.  So a lot of my peers aren't that young either.  We're adults and some of us aren't acting like it.  

This is why balance is so important to me.  We are gravitational beings.  We WILL gravitate to one side or another.  The question is are there people and circumstances that will bring us back to center when we near the edge of extreme?  If you are a rule follower that struggles with having the right attitudes, do you have emotionally sensitive people in your life to help influence you for good?  If you are a passionate dreamer, do you have logical and financially wise people to keep you from ending up destitute?  Whatever your current state, do you have someone who is different than you that will give you a different perspective rather than just the friends who will agree with whatever you say?

I am a very strong-willed and difficult person to deal with sometimes.  It's true and a fact of (my husband's) life.  Can you believe that he makes me beautiful and kind?  His differences - although still strong-willed and difficult sometimes - complement me and draw out a better version of me.  And I do the same for him.  It is because we can be extreme opposites, but in our love for each other we are learning to appreciate the other side to everything which causes us both to land closer to the middle.

I pray that you never are so wrought with personal angst and drama that you despise someone who is young or weak.  It is usually here when we make foolish choices and start filling our hearts with regrets.  If/when it does happen, I pray that you will find someone who can balance you.  And in that balance may the Lord be glorified and His will be completed.

Rory the Race Car: A Birth Story

When miss Z turned a year old, I began having some health issues and eventually the need to wean her was discussed.  I didn't want to end that stage of parenting on such a difficult note.  At that point my anxiety was very high and the fear of not being able to have another child was very real.  I certainly didn't want to put me or a new child at risk, but in my heart I just wasn't finished with two.  There were a lot of prayers going up about this possible child #3 and from start to finish, everything was so. much. different.  From J to miss Z there were some clear differences, but I still felt like I was in the same ballpark.  Sickness, how I carried, emergencies, labor and delivery with this one were all almost foreign to me, they were so different! And for someone who really aches for familiarity (and panics at change and new things), this was hard to process.  Rory is over a month old and I'm just now sitting down to write about it - the shock of it all has made it hard to have any words I think.

As I've written before, miss Z's birth was so much more gentle and efficient than J's and I had attributed a lot of it to the self-hypnosis I had learned.  So obviously, I intended to do the same with the next one.  The trouble with that was that nothing lined up the same both mentally or physically.  I was looking to recreate miss Z's birth, but couldn't even muster up similar feelings when it came down to it.

On Saturday April 8, 2017 I woke up still very pregnant looking like this: 

I didn't feel good, but there were no regular contractions.  There was hardly any irregular contractions.  I felt poorly enough to ask my mom to work on (reflexology) my feet just to get things flowing in a good direction.  She did.  I felt better.  She left.  And I continued my day.  Mr. Butler was nesting for me - cleaning up the house like a pregnant woman.  I was cranky so I had a late lunch/snack and then took a shower.  

Showers always make me feel better.  This one made me feel worse.  It activated something and around 3:30 I started feeling sick in every direction.  That would make sense if I was in the middle of labor - that's called transition in case you're not familiar.  Transition is the point where most women reconsider and say "I can't do this."  The good news is that you're almost done at that point.  Well, I didn't know it at the time or even that it was possible, but I WAS in transition.  For some reason I just started there and skipped the build up.  Yay, right?  Well, sort of.  Because there were no rhythmic contractions, we weren't sure we should call the midwives or not.  Then I started having severe acute pelvic pain but still no contractions.  It was very uncomfortable and not getting easier.  So, Mr. Butler called and they were sending an assistant to check on me.  In the meantime, miss Z woke up from her nap and very concerned for me.  J was already with my dad so we sent her over there and my mom came over to help me.

After we had called, things started getting out of control.  I couldn't get comfortable, everything was VERY painful and I had to squat for any kind of relief. HELLO, that's transition getting ready to push!!!  But it just didn't make sense. None of it was in a familiar order or form.  When the guttural sounds started coming out of me spontaneously, I had Mr. Butler call back to confirm we were having a baby, regardless of how little sense it made!  Now, I tried to use my hypnosis.  I tried to relax and focus, but it was all for not.  Nothing I or anyone else did really helped.  The pain was constant and so intense that I had to focus on getting out of that situation as fast as possible.  So, that's what I did. 

The midwives' assistant arrived about 5:45 pm and had to start setting up for birth immediately as I was practically pushing.  She got everything set up just in time too because he was born at 6:01 pm before the senior midwife even made it!  The relief and joy was so amazing largely because the intensity of labor was insane!  But of course our little race car couldn't let the excitement end there.  When he came out he started turning blue and wouldn't sustain breathing.  He would cough and make a sound and then nothing.  So, the fantastic assistant knew just what to do and gave him oxygen and some chest compressions.  He was right next to me the whole time and perhaps it was all the love hormones flowing through me but I was confident he would be fine.  Mr. Butler and my mom seemed to be in charge of panicking instead.  Still, after a little bit of help he was breathing on his own and we were in business!

Rory Emerson was 10 lbs 2 oz and 22 in long. 

The big kids were VERY excited to meet him.

As many people know, we went on to have a hospital stay and some health concerns, but thanks to an enormous amount of prayer, he has been cleared of all issues and thriving at home!  We are learning many lessons through this sweet boy, but none so much as thankfulness for all the good things.  This mama's heart is very full.

It Only Takes One: Letting Go of Longing

If you were one of those favored people that everyone wanted to date or be like, then feel free to skip this post because you might not understand where I'm coming from.  For the rest of us, I expect you'll know what I mean.  We all had a time - and maybe still live there - where we longed to be that popular and interesting person that seemed to have all the cool friends and get all the dates.  Contentment with ourselves seemed impossible and no matter who paid us attention, we just weren't satisfied.  For most people it is simply an adolescent phase, though a few drag it into adulthood and beyond.  Regardless of how real it feels, it isn't a healthy place to live.

I was (am) most certainly that girl with the super sensitive feelings who noticed when all the boys paid attention to miss beautiful and all the girls didn't mind me if there was no one more interesting around.  The longing and discontentment, while maybe I hid it well - not sure, followed me around like a dark cloud.  I've been married 10 1/2 years to quite my uncomfortable opposite that has forced me to learn and grow more than anyone in my life.  It has certainly not always been fun, easy or even felt good (because growing is hard), but friends I just want to say something.  It only takes one relationship, maybe a best friend, maybe a husband, or maybe just a committed relationship with God, to satisfy those longings our adolescent conjures up.  It doesn't take attention from ALL the boys or all the popular kids, it just takes one faithful, authentic relationship to heal old wounds and teach the heart true commitment and devotion.  It's so easy to get a perfectionistic view of what we want or demand in a relationship that distorts truth as well, but it only takes one good one to realize how unnecessary all that fixating is.

There is a lot that I dislike about this picture.  It is NOT a perfect shot of us.  

But it doesn't take perfect to fill up the soul.

Tomorrow marks 3 weeks since my third child was born and the closing of a most stressful and trying adventure.  There's much to say about that, but I'll save it for another post.  What is significant is that Mr. Butler is and was the most amazing faithful friend and partner I could have had in all of the things we had to do.  He was the perfect strength in my weakness.  We have weathered all kinds of storms together so it didn't surprise me when we stared down this one together.  However, it did overwhelm me how far the 14 year old girl I sometimes still carried around in my heart had come.  It only took my (aged and purified) relationship with Mr. Butler to stamp out the foolish comparisons and longings of my youth.  So, whether you find yourself stuck in a cycle of longing or as our children grow through these stages, let's remember how many lies adolescent sneaks in. It doesn't take the popular crowd or the cutest boy or even the perfect 15 friends to satisfy our hearts.  It just takes one relationship of truth and stability to ground us where all others can come and go for the best without constantly pulling us out of orbit.

Finding Grace in Social Media

One of the hallmarks of our culture and time is the effect social media on our relationships.  It began with the onslaught of advertising 60 years ago and now culminates in our friends sharing a good picture of their life.  Too often we believe the staged is real and get overwhelmed at the high standard OR we criticize the realistic only to comfort ourselves that we aren't that bad.  
You've probably read online about how only people in failing relationships post the 'perfect' pictures and gush about how great they are.  At the same time we also have a climate where posting anything could potentially get us in trouble, even if it's innocent.  The genuine person is guilty of something no matter what they do!

Don't get me wrong.  I understand that there are stereotypes in this world for a reason.  People can be ridiculous, fake, shallow and deceitful.  Still, amidst those realities are other realities that we shouldn't ignore.

Sometimes that picture of a new car or house is a lifelong victory.  Other times that relationship gushing is filling a great need in their partner.  That perfect photo of that perfect life might just be the best moment they've had in months and the only thing that makes them feel normal amidst a very dysfunctional reality.

One of my most favorite photos, but reminds me of so many conflicting emotions.  Photos can be deceiving, but really they are just snapshots - and that's not a bad thing.

I guess what I'm talking about here is grace.  I don't have to like you and you don't have to like me.  My choices may never be your choices.  You will undoubtedly think things about what I say and do that may or may not be right.  Still, when you find yourself about to spew judgments about others - how their relationship must be awful or their choice of staged photo means this or that - pause and look at them with a mother's eyes.  Or better yet, look at them with God's eyes.  See their pain or their struggle.  See their weaknesses and love them anyway.

I'm about to be a mother of 3 - a pretty daunting task - and over the last 7 years I've experienced a lot of the downs of parenting.  Being tired, judging other mothers, being judged by other mothers, feeding struggles, milestone competitions, jealousy, pressure to perform, pressure to do it all and absolute failure to feel good about any part of it some days.  The media and us regular people can make a big deal over anything and sometimes that ruins us.  Somehow we need to get to a place where my victory can be celebrated right along with yours even if they look vastly different.  So, try to calm down your feelings about what everyone else is doing.  Do good. Celebrate the good.  And just love them anyway!

Growing in Pictures

There's a song by Raffi that's called, "I Wonder If I'm Growing" that the kids sing a lot.  It highlights the common struggle to know when you're growing.  We don't usually feel it, but all of a sudden it is clear.  We haven't felt the growing, but this week we've sure seen evidence of it.

 The kids decided they wanted to have a pretend wedding instead of a show.  So, they picked out their wedding clothes themselves and laid blankets on the ground (for grass) and the cuteness ensued.  The conversations about flowers and music were hilarious.  Still, this was a first for the Butler household and it was evident how big they are getting.

J finished his first basketball season at the YMCA and I think soccer and baseball suit him better.  Still he seemed to have a great time.

J also got rid of his training wheels and took off like the wind.  Definite growth happening.

And last but not least, baby #3 is most certainly growing.  We'll be a party of 5 before we know it!

A New Dinnertime Approach: The Pioneer Woman and My Engineer

Learning to build a life with someone else seems so fantastic and simple in the movies or in the midst of planning a wedding.  The signs of what kind of work it is going to take are certainly all around, but they are easy to miss when you're just so excited about everything.  As you know, I married a great man who experiences the world vastly different than me which is not so great sometimes and creates some interesting discussions.  Like everything else, my engineer has opinions about the most efficient and effective approach to dinnertime!

Early on in our marriage he trained me to grocery shop twice a month and meal plan like a pro.  It was never intuitive to me (because what if I didn't want that for dinner when it came down to it?!), but after getting the hang of it, it helped the budget and meals run a lot smoother.  Adding children to the mix, however, has certainly decreased my brain power and motivation for things like this and being pregnant all the more.  This guy, who lives for check lists and assigned tasks, decided to engineer our dinner plans last month and as a result has given me one of the best gifts I've ever received.  He discovered Ree Drummond, known around here as The Pioneer Woman, and has tasked himself with planning our month with meals from her cook books.  So far, so incredibly good!

Honestly, when he suggested it I was afraid that he would resent me not cooking pretty quickly (because I know I would in his position!), but it's been this beautiful thing.   He loves having something to do when he gets home and I love the freedom of a little more mental breathing room.  I will usually assist or clean up after him and get his undivided attention when I talk.  The kids now know the routine and don't bother us much and it has been WONDERFUL!

Benefits So Far:
-'Couch Time' or Dad and Mom's talk about the day time has almost instantly been better respected by the kids and marriage benefits from it.
-Pregnant, homeschooling busy mom has more energy and emotional stamina.
-Dad feels accomplished for making dinner and taking a load off mom.
-Dinner is planned, yummy and good for the budget.
-Eating out isn't as much of a temptation which is good for our health and budget.

I won't always be pregnant and he probably won't always be on a cooking kick, but there is a reason I wanted to share this with you.  In marriage (or any relationship really) it's easy to jump in and fight for your rights or preferred way of doing things without looking for compromises that might look funny but actually benefit everyone.  It's taken us over 10 years to start really embracing our differences for good and I pray you can be more successful than us and do it sooner!  In doing a little inventory of our needs, this alternative approach to dinner time is producing more benefits than initially expected.  And, it is certainly old news, but the Pioneer Woman's recipes are hard to beat for yummy and easy dinners.  Everybody jumps for leftovers!

Training the Body, Training the Soul

A guest post from Mr. Butler:

A Greek word "Arete" used in 2 Peter 1:5 "Add to your faith, virtue; and to virtue, knowledge..."gets translated as "virtue" or "moral excellence".  This word choice in English is rather watered-down.  In Greek society the word "Arete" spoke to the kind of mental/physical connection that went into the Greek training lifestyle.  The training they committed themselves to intertwined physical training (boxing, foot racing, wrestling, etc) with spirituality and mental training.  Training the body WAS training the soul.  Arete encompassed the idea of excellence in intellect and action with distinctly moral overtones.

What do you do when what you do is not what you want to do?  Chasing a dream that fulfills you, and ultimately landing it are sometimes mutually exclusive.  Try as you might it may never happen.  Some people follow heart, and get that dream only to find they've lost something in the process. Some are scared and never take a leap and beat themselves up for the rest of their lives.  Still others know what could fulfill, but make a conscious effort to subvert those feelings and that gratification for other reasons or they strive to achieve them on their own terms without the loss seen by our first example.


For me, going to the gym started out and continued for 10 years to be an endeavor solely striving for aesthetic gains.  Looking good is the major driver for most people's goals at any gym I've attended, but over the past couple of years though, my mentality has shifted from that mindset to one in which I'm trying to be the best form of myself I can be.  The nobility that is embodied in "arête" pushes the goals I set for myself now.  Looking good becomes the byproduct of being able to lift heavier weights and being more flexible and athletically conditioned.  Along with that physical training comes a goal to read more thoroughly and indoctrinate myself with a life where reading and study in many veins is the norm now.  I've made goals to read 20-30 books a year (about one every two weeks) which includes bible reading. Inevitably it isn't about the individual items I do, but rather about the mentality behind the undertaking.

This kind of training doesn't appeal to everyone and there are various reasoning's for it all.  Many times it comes down to the way we prioritize our lives and how consciously we say "yes" and "no" to the various minutiae that seep in if left unchecked.  For instance the simple act of turning off notifications on your phone or email can cause anxiety, but once done becomes a freeing realization that you were once slave to a ping. In the same way physical training doesn't have to be lifting heavy weights or wrestling; it can be a walk, a fast, a diet that is conscious.  The strenuousness of the exercise is not the main intent, but rather the mental overcoming of the body that can and will lead to spiritual growth.

So go back to the original question about how we chase dreams and what we do about those.  Following your heart and never taking the leap both have components of incomplete "Arete" to them.  For every example of someone who followed their dreams and succeeded there is someone who made trade-offs about what they have chosen to do: be it foregoing money or time with family or time for themselves.  For the person too scared to make a leap, it's the body dictating the mind and the dissonance that creates anxiety.  But in that last person who makes the conscious decision to abstain from gratification and not live with guilt, or obtain it without sacrificing other precious things that  we see the fulfillment of "Arete".

Polykleitos, the greek sculptor, said it like this, "Perfection comes about little by little through many numbers."

Consciously abstaining, or obtaining something in a slower time frame is so foreign in our society as to look strange. But in this abstaining or the slow-life, we find value.  When we make conscious decisions it's not easy, but we strengthen ourselves when we do and that strength radiates out in a way nothing else can accomplish.  Being able to tell yourself, "I will lift this weight" or "I won't eat that" or "I won't sacrifice time with my kids" allows us to do the same in other areas.  "I won't cheat" and "I won't lie" is easier when we've made the connection between our physical self and our emotional and spiritual self.  Doing so requires effort but this effort produces good.

Philippians 3:12-14 says it like this, "Not that I have already obtained it or have already become perfect, but I press on so that I may lay hold of that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus. Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus."