The Slow Journey to Health: A Weight-loss Update

I have always been insecure about my weight and size - even when I had ZERO reasons to be. Still, when you're thin, young and healthy it is so easy to judge other people who gain weight and don't ever get rid of it.  I know, I know - YOU would never think that way, but let's face it, we all judge secretly from time to time, especially about the things that seem simple or easy to us.  That is until we have to deal with it ourselves.  Age, disease, stress and, well, having children can certainly catch up to you in the body department.  I'm at 16 months postpartum and I don't have any impressive stats to brag about.  I'm sure to the moms of 4+ kids, I sound naive, but keeping up with 3 kids is hard, man.  It takes up all the time and energy and space that you started with and explodes feelings, stains and chaos all over it.  Even if losing weight was a no-brainer for me at one kid (which it's not), at 3 kids and 38 years old, it's going to be a lot tougher.

I guess it sounds like I'm gearing up for a big excuse party and learn to love yourself kind of post.  That's important to have some days, because we are just so cruel to ourselves behind the scenes.  But, that's not why I'm writing today.  I'm writing today to say that the journey to health - from disease, weight-gain or whatever - is often longer than we feel it should be.  I can't claim an awesome number of pounds lost over the summer or anything, which to some might be incredibly discouraging.  16 months! Let's do this already, right?  Well, the thing is, I AM doing it.  All of my clothes are looser, certain areas (where I may have carried a 10 lb baby around in) have tightened up, I have more brain power and more energy.  It's working! It's not revolutionary or mind-blowing, but it's another confirmation that - in my life anyway - a balanced, slow and steady approach wins every time!

I can't speak for everyone else's body or journey in and out of health, but for me weight-loss means detoxing.  Those fat cells hold on to all kinds of junk and getting rid of fat cells requires getting rid of the junk too.   Every 4-7 days, especially when I'm exercising well, I develop detoxing symptoms  (like mild nausea, headaches, body aches, fatigue, etc.).  They aren't pleasant for sure, but they tell me I'm doing something right! Clean eating, exercising and some great herbs that support cleansing and detoxing are where the magic happens around here.  I say magic, but it's more like exhausting uphill battle that takes much longer than you feel like it should. 

When it comes to your health, it is never worthwhile to give up.  The process of healing and recovery - no matter what we're talking about - takes time.  And that can be so frustrating.  Still, I want to encourage you to know that it is worth it.  Do you feel overwhelmed and defeated because of your health?  Did you try a little bit and it was so hard that you gave up?  Maybe it is blood pressure or blood sugar issues.  Or trauma and anxiety? I have had to deal with a lot of those in my life and my family.  You're not alone and if you need a friend to encourage you, I would be honored.  Either way, I'll keep you posted on my progress.  It IS hard, but it's not impossible.  

What 3 Babies Taught Me About Weight-Loss

Unlike my mother or my daughter, I was never really skinny.  As most people can do, looking back on my size in high school and college, I was just fine and would gladly return to that size again if given the choice.  When you're living it, though, that unique and specific-to-you shape gets ripped to shreds by society and their version of normal.  So like an adolescent girl is prone to do, I proceeded into adulthood with shame and insecurities surrounding how I looked and how much I weighed.  Enter marriage and pregnancy to make things really interesting!

If you know Mr. Butler, you know his second home is the gym.  To an insecure newlywed, that can result in more pressure and sensitivity.  I always wanted to look perfect and be viewed as perfect by everyone but especially my young husband.  Yet, exercise and dieting weren't exactly something I loved.  Ice cream, treats and Friday night fun I could get motivated for, but it took way too much baby weight that wasn't going anywhere to teach me how much exercise and clean eating would become one of my greatest tools in life.  Still, J was 6 or 7 months old before I had really begun that journey.  There was a mountain of judgement and criticism that I just couldn't get around and that was just the stuff in my head.  On the one hand there are supermodels and air-brushed magazine covers convincing me that my imperfection should be my shame.  On the other hand, there are other voices in the media that pounce any time someone suggests that a person should really work at losing weight.  Body-shaming, they call it.  And, goodness those voices can get so ugly.  In either case, I'm not buying it anymore.

I am 10 months postpartum after my third baby and about 50 lbs over my (1st) pre-pregnancy weight.  The rollercoaster has been real, but being on this end of it, I have certainly learned a few things I wish I could share with my pre-motherhood self.

1) View weight and body image through the lens of health.  Early on Mr. Butler encouraged me to exercise not because he saw me as flawed (like my inner voice tried to convince me all. the. time.), but because he wanted me to feel good about myself and stay healthy like he had learned.  Diabetes and heart disease may have very well been in his near future had he not made some major changes when starting college.  Thus, his commitment to healthy living was born.  He knew I was insecure and he also knew the motivation that came from a great exercise program!

It is in this point that I have a real problem with most people claiming that a concern for someone's weight is body shaming.  There are bullies and very cruel people in the world that say mean things and terrorize those with insecurities.  Encouraging someone to maintain a healthy weight is not the same thing.  I agree that no two bodies are the same and your healthy weight may be heavier/lighter than mine.  But if you have health complaints (other than how your clothes fit) like joint pain, labored breathing going up a flight of stairs, or depression, I do not agree that you should ignore your size.  A combination of any of those symptoms are signs that your body needs some attention for long-term survival, not to fit some society-built expectation.  When someone develops pneumonia, it is serious.  Any caregiver worth anything isn't going to start in ridiculing the person for being sick.  Instead, they just want them to survive without any permanent effects.  A major weight problem should be viewed the same way.

After the first pregnancy, losing weight was 100% about how I looked.  I was self-conscious about everything around everyone.  Now, after the third pregnancy, losing weight is about getting my health back where it needs to be so I can be the mom and wife I need to be.  What I look like and how my clothes fit is just a physical manifestation of where my health is at and how much further I have to go.

2)  Don't Use Another Person's Experience to Shape Your Expectations.  When it comes to weight-loss, most people fall into one of two categories.  They either must work at it to lose weight or they don't.  It is a rare unicorn of a person who has to work only a little bit in order to lose weight.   The two really can't be compared  and yet that's what we do.  Having babies is the perfect example.  Everything surrounding your first child is a brand new experience and that includes losing weight after pregnancy.  'They' say that if you breastfeed your infant, then the weight will just fall off.  Yeah, that only works for people who the weight just falls off anyway! I have two sister-in-laws and a handful of friends who just didn't even think about it and they were back to square one in no time.  I had really hoped that it just wouldn't be a big deal after J, because I tried to eat well and exercised some thinking that would be enough.  As you know, I fell into the category of having to really work at it.  And now I'm here again at 10 months postpartum and it still requires a ton of work. Honestly, it is probably more difficult this time because of how much busier I am with three kids.  Busyness translates into less time to exercise, less sleep and more stress which are all recipes for weight gain in my body, certainly NOT weight-LOSS.

After J, I let what other people (different body types and different circumstances) experienced determine what I expected my circumstances to be.  When I was obviously wrong, the despair, judgement and self-loathing just about ruined me in more ways than one.  In retrospect, it was all just so silly.  Healthy weight-loss is really just a science experiment anyway that takes patience and tweaking along the way.  What ratio of diet changes and exercise program intensity does it take to decrease your weight?  Spending all your time comparing yourself to where others are at is just taking time away from getting further along on your own path to a healthy place.  For probably the first 6 months of J's life I was just insistent in my head that what I was doing should be enough to get my desired results because of what anyone else was or was not doing.  And we're not even talking about the subject of what recovery after having a baby really means.  I had no clue.  Just stop comparing.  Period.

3)  There are many things worse than extra pounds.  When your health is clearly in danger, it will be a different story, but life is filled with more than just numbers on a scale.  Especially after children, life becomes more complicated.  Having healthy and whole children is a luxury many parents don't have.  A loving marriage, financial security, a hope of heaven and peace of mind are all things that don't just happen.  Many families struggle with so many things.  After miss Z's birth and difficulty sleeping through the night, I learned that I'd Rather Be Fat Than Crazy. The season of having babies and small children is short and losing weight is something you can always pursue later too.  At this stage there's just so much demand being put on your body that an aggressive weight-loss plan may not be possible, not yet anyway,  Be patient and be thankful for the good.

Mr. Butler has been so supportive of me this past year and it has really taught me to be kinder to myself in this area.  My blessings are many and my children deserve to see gratitude instead of a whiny state of being that only breeds unhappiness.  By the end of 2018, it is my goal to be well on my way to my former weight, but these three babies have taught me how to be content in the mean time.

I'd Rather Be Fat Than Crazy: A Farewell Note to 2017

For 8 months I had mostly refused to buy myself any clothes.  The days and months after having a baby are full of change and uncertainty.   I had been down this road before and my bulging closet was proof of the varying sizes I had been over the last 7 years.  Why should I waste the money? I had lost weight before and would get where I wanted to be eventually.  What I had should cover my needs.  But my little race car's pregnancy was almost entirely different than the others and that included my weight gain.  I carried him differently and thus gained more weight in certain areas and not as much in others.  Plus, he was 10 pounds!  That meant more skin stretched further and more time for it to return to 'normal' if that's even possible!  Weight-loss this time around was more complicated because of stress, more physical healing, and three kids!  Tired of my fits of frustration while getting ready to go anywhere, Mr. Butler finally insisted that I go buy clothes that fit and would make me comfortable.

So, as I tried on clothes in the dressing room of Kohl's, I found myself repeating, "I'd rather be fat than crazy.  I'd rather be fat than crazy." over and over in my head.   Everything was either too big up top or too small on the bottom so dresses seemed to be out of the question. My pride screamed at me that I should be further along than I was in my weight-loss and recovery, but if there is one thing I gained this last year it's perspective.  About a year after miss Z was born, I physically and emotionally burned out.  In a nut-shell, I was overcome with sometimes immobilizing and unreasonable anxiety.  I remember being so afraid that I would never be able to enjoy my kids or even be up to having another one because of the hold it all had on me.  Fast forward 3 years and through the year we just had - full of stress, loss, challenges, but nothing like the problems I had before - and I can see things much clearer.   

I hate being uncomfortable in my own skin.  The extra weight just serves as a  reminder of the unhealthy side effects of stress, sleep deprivation and life changes.  All of this can be such a tool of the devil in my life.  I think all the insecurity of life that most people can feel is the devil's biggest tool sometimes.  But in the day to day, satan is defeated with perspective. Yes, I couldn't fit into things the same way yet, but I wasn't terrified of getting out of bed.  I was able to enjoy my kiddos and think clearly and sanely.

This year gave me the most fun, lovable, and good-natured little boy I have ever met.  Seriously, my race car is always looking for someone to smile at!  Not only that, but he is 100% healthy after a scare early on.  I survived the death of one of my dogs.  Not a big deal to most, but it was a day that I had dreaded since we brought Grace home almost 11 years ago.  This year was a huge financial burden, but it could have been so much worse.  I wish I was skinnier.  I wish we had never had to spend the second week of the race car's life in the hospital.  I wish my dog was still alive and chasing frisbees.  I wish our savings were built up rather than being drained by medical bills and car purchases. But I'd rather be afloat, than drowning in debt.  I'd rather be grieving a sweet dog than causing her pain and suffering.  I'd rather have an emergency room experience than risk the health of a fantastic little soul. And yes, I'd rather be fat than crazy!

Our perception (and opinion) of ourselves is such a complicated and fleeting thing.  In some ways, it just doesn't matter, but in other ways, if it's not satisfactory, it can change the course of our life.  I found clothes that fit and that made me more comfortable.  So go me, I guess, but more importantly it allowed me to recognize how we cope with the ugly and hard things in life.  There are days, months and in our case years of life that are full of exactly what we never wanted.  So then what?  We can quit and let the devil ruin the good gifts the Lord brings.  Or we can be thankful for what is and wait patiently for the good the Lord is bringing through it all.  As 2018 closes, I think of it like that high school nemesis that was always beating you out of things.  2017 was just wretched to me, but without it, there are so many things I would not have gained.  So for that, I say a fond farewell to 2017.

In It To Lose It

Back in July we started a weight-loss competition and as off tomorrow there will be exactly a week and a half left. Thanks to the mercy of God, I have lost about 20 pounds so far.  To see it in print makes it feel pretty good, but then I remember I have 30 more to go to be at my pre-pregnancy weight.  It's a weird feeling to be excited and discouraged all at the same time.

I'm so thankful that I have been able to stick with it and seen some success.  But I'm even more thankful to be around others who are struggling with the same things.  Whether I gain or lose, succeed or fail this week, it's just comforting to know that it's hard for everybody and not just me.  And it'll probably be a gain/fail day because we're going to the state fair tonight.  Yummmmm...

So, anybody have any tips for sticking with it when you're not even halfway there?  I hear a lot of advice on getting started and setting new habits, but it seems to be a different ball game when it's not about the small changes anymore.  Making even bigger or more consistent choices, especially when you've been working hard already, is a pretty big mountain.  For me anyway.  I get super excited because some of my clothes are looser, but then I remember that those are clothes I had to buy BECAUSE I'd gained weight.  And I still can't fit into all of my pre-prego stuff.  Yeah, so then I get pretty aggravated that I've worked and worked and I still have to work some more! Call me impatient! :)  So, any inspiring words, tips or tricks?

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Losing Big!

It's bedtime and I'm tired.  So, just a few quick thoughts about the next 12 weeks.  Several of us (something like 22 or 23) at our congregation are playing "The Biggest Loser" for 3 months and I'm very happy about it! I need to lose weight, so there's that, but this is bigger than that.  It's so nice to have a common goal, everyone on the same page, doing similar work!  12 weeks is a long time to commit to a way of life - for me it's no sugar, no white flour, cutting back calories just a little and exercise.  A month, maybe two is one thing, but we have until October 8th.  That's a completely different season from now!

But you know what? I'm not dreading it.  Being in the same boat is oddly freeing to me.  Some are motivated by the competition and it's important to find what works for you.  But I think we forget how much human beings seek out those in similar situations for comfort and support.  And that is seen in any group or organization.  If you feel like an outcast, you look for the other outcasts.  If you have expensive taste, you gravitate towards others who do as well.   Why are you friends with who you are?  What traits are  you gravitating towards in a person or a group of people.  Not sure what any of it means.  It just seems like something I should be more aware of in myself.

Anyway, I hope to be lighter in 12 weeks - say a prayer for me!