What 10 Years Can Do: A Reflection

Every one of my children's births was amazing for completely different reasons.  Ask me about them when I see you next because (like most other mothers on the planet) I love to talk about it. But there is something about that first one, no matter how perfect or broken the whole affair was, that moments from it are frozen into your heart so deeply that they almost don't feel real.  

Crunchy leaves outside beneath the huge pecan tree in our yard.  Learning to remember all the baby things for a simple trip to the store.  Agony of learning to breastfeed and the surreal joy of getting him to laugh.  Our living room was quite long, but kind of narrow with only one window in it.  In the early days after Jude was born, we rearranged furniture a bit so that his bed could be put in there during the day and he could soak up the sun to fight off a little jaundice.  There was a moment when I looked at him across the room sleeping away, the sun shining down on his sweet face, and I wanted to know who he was going to be so desperately.  What was he going to be like?  

Little did I know, much of who he was I could already see.  In that same living room, I had looked into his eyes for the first time and I saw this old soul who looked straight into my heart. He was taking me in almost as much as I was him.  My oldest son has always been an observer with a deep heart.  That little tree frog who loved to cuddle onto my shoulder as an infant still tries to sit in my lap and hug me more than all the others.  Being born in November in Oklahoma, you would expect a lot of bundling up throughout the winter, but he hated socks and hats caused him to get too hot.  He is still much more comfortable in shorts regardless of the weather.

What I didn't know was how naturally athletic he would be.  He loves playing ball of just about any kind and picks things up so quick, which makes his dad a tad envious!  I didn't know how easy and hard it would be to have a boy.  I also didn't know how I was going to royally mess things up while still getting some important things really right.  I didn't expect 10 to be here yet.  I guess that happens when you have a 3rd child that looks just like the oldest one and you get busy.  So here I am, with a 3 year old miniature version of my first one except he acts nothing like him, and a 10 year old that is learning to become a man, piece by piece. And suddenly I realize I could start really taking notes in church now.  I haven't been able to maintain that for over 10 years!

More than anything, I never imagined how much he would be like me and how much that would challenge me to grow.  I'm not the same person I was the moment he was finally born and I was in shock that he was a boy.  That naïve and idealistic girl has gotten more wake up calls than I'd like to admit, but I've also been given much more than I deserve.  I've always been really sensitive to the state of mind other people are carrying around and (for better and worse) he is the same.  If he could, he would just live on a farm and take care of animals all day, or go hiking or go fishing or just be outside. He loves with his WHOLE heart and feels despair deep.  It's a beautiful thing, but, as I know all too well, it can spin out of control really fast.  And If I am to expect him to manage himself, then I need to do the same.  That is something I'm still working on, but we're all growing together.  And for that I'm very thankful.

When other people's children have turned 10, it really wasn't that big of a deal to me because socially I think we fixate on 13, 16 and 18.  But let me tell you, 10 is a DECADE! To the mom, it's a big deal and it has brought me to this place where I'm evaluating my entire motherhood journey because of the milestone and where everyone is at right now.  Who I thought I would be or even wanted to be is, well. complicated at best.  My baby is still really cute and a lot of fun.  My daughter is still snuggly but becoming a a really good helper when she stays on task.  And my oldest is a doing really ok - not perfect, not done growing - but doing okay. Considering what I mess I feel half the time, I think it's really important to say that out loud!  When Jude was born, the spotlights of my mind shifted drastically and seem to have been twirling around ever since.  This year, for all of its hassles and heartaches, has brought some really powerful blessings.  I turned 40, my son turns 10, I like my husband more than I did last year, and I'm learning to cope with myself in ways I've never thought possible.  I miss that sweet cuddle bug and wish I could give that brand new mom a hug and some better advice than what she was telling herself.  But I'm in awe of some of the things we have navigated and bounced back from.  Even though it's complicated, my momma heart is so full.  Happy 10th Birthday!

J and My Motherhood Turn 8

Being the emotional creature that I am, J's pregnancy and first days are seared into my brain.  I knew how fleeting the days were and I just didn't want to miss anything so I wrote and I observed as much as I could.  To this day I can still see the leaves in the yard and the sun streaming into our living room at the time.  We had placed his bed in front of the window to help with a little bit of jaundice.  It wasn't perfect - breastfeeding was way harder than I ever dreamed - but life with him was so exciting and beautiful.

I've told people that I'm just not sad that he's turning 8 because the Race Car looks exactly like him so it's like living it all over again, only easier!  That being said, I do feel like this year has been a turning point.  All of our weaknesses have shown a lot more and we've had to really struggle on some points.  There are times in life when so much is going on or certain big things help you ignore the small issues that are growing larger. When it all calms down, then the real work begins.  That's what 7 to 8 has been for us.

I absolutely love this kid so much because his heart is big.  When he was born, I felt like he immediately hopped to my side and said, "Let's do this, Mom!"  I know and love him because he shares my emotion for things, but that also means I know the dangers set in front of him.  This year, both of us have had to come to terms with who we are and what that might mean for the future.  Avoiding the hard things is an easy choice that becomes a habit when we're not careful.

I'm learning what it means to know your child, even when it tells you more than you're ready to hear about yourself.  Celebrating birthdays are still just as much about the parents as it is the child.  Bringing this child into the world and sustaining life is a big deal and a luxury some don't have.  On Saturday, we'll be celebrating Magic Tree house style, which only makes me love him more.  The adventures of motherhood are continuing to evolve, but a couple of things stay the same.  He has made me grow, he has taught me love and he has brought me joy!

Happy 8th Birthday J!

When Life Changes You

Every stage of life brings about changes.  There is always plenty of physical changes that are normal.  If we move schools, homes, or jobs, our physical locations change.  If we are 'normal' our wants and desires change over time too.  But then there are crises or traumatic events that change you even further.  Returning to what is normal after that is sometimes not possible or not even desirable anymore.  The older you get, the more life may change you.  Is that good?  Is that the way it is 'supposed' to be?

I have an adorable little boy who just learned to walk.  He's extra adorable to me because he resembles another little boy who is now 7.  J and the Race Car embody two very different stages in my life.  One is newness, naivety and deep wells of feelings.  The other is bursting with activity, seasoned joy and determination.  And yet to me they are just two sides of a ball (another thing they share a love for).  This walk of motherhood has brought about changes in me.  This decade (plus) of marriage has brought about growing pains and harsh realities.  Shock and grief took hold of me last summer after a season of severe change. As it turned out, I had all kinds of emotions tied up in my sweet dog, Grace and when she died this final part of my shifting identity went with it.  Who I was when I first got her was completely gone (it felt like).

That feeling of change can be empowering and assuring, but sometimes it is unfamiliar and unsettling.  Or better yet, to me it is just overwhelming sometimes.  I feel loyalty to this person I used to be and the priorities she had, but the life that now is holds so many different things.  The reality is I cannot honor both fully at the same time and to try undermines it all.  So what can be done when life changes you and you're not exactly okay with it all?  I guess the same thing we always need to do when we don't like what we're getting.

-Accentuate the POSITIVE.  Be thankful about all things. Life is different and not what we expected, but that's not all bad.  Many of the things I dreamed of having or doing in my adult years are mine.   A God who has never left me without hope, a committed husband, healthy children, a taste of the country, many freedoms to do what I want.

-Set a Game Plan.  When things don't work out like you want, then it is usually time for a new and improved plan perhaps with slightly adjusted goals.  Instead of wallowing in what isn't, it's time to take what is and look for what it could be. 

The changing is never going to stop, so I'm told, but it is worthwhile to do it in as healthy a way as possible.

Tales of a Messy Mom: The Day I Learned to Love Cleaning My Kitchen

You have heard the phrase "having to learn the hard way" to characterize people.  I have never really thought of myself as that kind of a person.  I always envisioned a reckless person who thrashes around just moving through life without thinking.  But today, standing in the small kitchen of a condo in a small Arkansas town, I suddenly realized that I had just learned a lesson a very hard way and there really could not have been any other way.

I hate cleaning.  I hate dishes and cleaning counters.  I hate laundry.  I despise making beds.  My back aches at the thought of mopping floors.  Things that have to be done over and over and over with little to show for it just seem to weaken my soul and bring out the worst, most indignant teenager, version of myself.  Since recovering from the race car's addition, I've really been trying harder to stay on top of household chores.  I even mopped last month long before we were due to have company! I've been trying because I know I'm supposed to and that it makes everyone feel better.  It is important and I'm committed to being a good homemaker sooner or later!   So, as I stood in this miniature version of our kitchen at home that we had cooked in for 4 days in an attempt to save money, I was overcome with this feeling of completion and motivation.  I knew keeping this kitchen clean was easier because it was smaller and we hadn't lived here very long, but the mental clarity that came from the order we were maintaining was suddenly very intoxicating.

And that's when I realized it!  I had been told this little nugget of wisdom since I was a child, but it absolutely didn't matter.  It wasn't until I needed the blessing of a maintained space that I could really buy into the importance.  And the truth is, there is large part of me that doesn't need it to exist myself.  Messes are a part of life and creativity trumps all sometimes.  But now that I'm in charge of 3 little souls and all the things that go into keeping those plates balanced and spinning in the air, after all of the crashes and failures I've had over the last 8 years, now I need sanity, clarity, and order.  That, ugh, starts with a clean kitchen.  So, in that way, I'm really looking forward to getting home from vacation and figuring out new ways to keeping that kitchen clean.  I'm so proud of and annoyed with myself all at the same time. 

This Beautiful and Wounding Life of Motherhood

As I'm navigating this child life for the third time,  there is so much beautiful and wounding at the same time.  On a daily basis you're hit with a reality wave that reminds you how this is not how you planned it exactly and yet it is everything!  My sister-in-law put it right in her newest song.

If you like it and would like to support more music coming from Hannah, go vote for her at the link below:

Vote for I've Got It Good by Hannah Elise

Finding Grace in Social Media

One of the hallmarks of our culture and time is the effect social media on our relationships.  It began with the onslaught of advertising 60 years ago and now culminates in our friends sharing a good picture of their life.  Too often we believe the staged is real and get overwhelmed at the high standard OR we criticize the realistic only to comfort ourselves that we aren't that bad.  
You've probably read online about how only people in failing relationships post the 'perfect' pictures and gush about how great they are.  At the same time we also have a climate where posting anything could potentially get us in trouble, even if it's innocent.  The genuine person is guilty of something no matter what they do!

Don't get me wrong.  I understand that there are stereotypes in this world for a reason.  People can be ridiculous, fake, shallow and deceitful.  Still, amidst those realities are other realities that we shouldn't ignore.

Sometimes that picture of a new car or house is a lifelong victory.  Other times that relationship gushing is filling a great need in their partner.  That perfect photo of that perfect life might just be the best moment they've had in months and the only thing that makes them feel normal amidst a very dysfunctional reality.

One of my most favorite photos, but reminds me of so many conflicting emotions.  Photos can be deceiving, but really they are just snapshots - and that's not a bad thing.

I guess what I'm talking about here is grace.  I don't have to like you and you don't have to like me.  My choices may never be your choices.  You will undoubtedly think things about what I say and do that may or may not be right.  Still, when you find yourself about to spew judgments about others - how their relationship must be awful or their choice of staged photo means this or that - pause and look at them with a mother's eyes.  Or better yet, look at them with God's eyes.  See their pain or their struggle.  See their weaknesses and love them anyway.

I'm about to be a mother of 3 - a pretty daunting task - and over the last 7 years I've experienced a lot of the downs of parenting.  Being tired, judging other mothers, being judged by other mothers, feeding struggles, milestone competitions, jealousy, pressure to perform, pressure to do it all and absolute failure to feel good about any part of it some days.  The media and us regular people can make a big deal over anything and sometimes that ruins us.  Somehow we need to get to a place where my victory can be celebrated right along with yours even if they look vastly different.  So, try to calm down your feelings about what everyone else is doing.  Do good. Celebrate the good.  And just love them anyway!

I'd Rather Be Your Mommy: A Home School Adventure Co. Review

When we see other people make choices that oppose what we have chosen in our life, it is so easy to get defensive and judgmental.  Motherhood is littered with such choices and is one of the ugliest battle grounds that we can find ourselves in.  Because it can be one of the more explosive topics of conversation, sometimes the joy and importance of motherhood doesn't get communicated to our children the way that it should.  Home School Adventure Co. provided us a copy of the ebook I'd Rather be Your Mommy that shoots straight into the heart of our children the value of being their mom.  This also includes I'd Rather be Your Mommy Coloring Book Edition and I'd Rather be Your Mommy Print Set.

In some areas of the world, it is common place to have the freedom to vote, to be educated, to be employed and to choose the direction of our lives specifically as women.  There are so many messages flying around that supports and encourages women to achieve and compete with the best of them.  However noble and coveted these options are, it is important to remember that there are many options and motherhood for many of us is one of the best options!  I have been very blessed with the opportunity to be educated at the college level, I can vote, and I have pursued many individual goals that I am proud of.  When trying to compare those things to what it means to be J, Miss Z and soon to be little brother's mom, it just doesn't work.  Caring for them fulfills many desires of my heart and has forced me to grow in ways I never thought possible, but even more it carries so much weight in shaping their future.  Like it or not, my voice will be in their head from time to time for the rest of their life, long after I'm gone.  The way they love and learn and let go 30 years from now will be influenced by the days we're spending together right now.  Being their mom means and will mean so much more than diapers and discipline.  And we all need to be reminded of that often.

This 34 page children's book, along with a corresponding coloring book and print set, are simple, yet profound and a needed element in every mother  and child relationship.  Our fast paced and ambition-minded society forgets so quickly how cold our world grows when our relationships are not valued and nurtured.  The most important place to start is for each child to know how much someone loves them and desires to choose them first.  The coloring book is a neat additional element that provides kids a way to interact with the story further.  And of course, what child doesn't enjoy new and different coloring sheets?  The beautiful print set could be used in a number of ways including framed and hung on the wall, sent as a postcard to that grown child far away or given as a gift.

There are a lot of seasons of life for us to live through, especially as women, but none so life altering and mind blowing as motherhood.  Before living through it, it can be hard to believe but our children need to see it anyway.  In the midst of our exhaustion, worry and desperation, we don't always remember to tell our sons and daughters that all of the incredibly hard stuff is absolutely worth it.  This book is a great way to remind us, mom and child alike.
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The Review Crew is reviewing several other texts by Home School Adventure Co. that you might find interesting.  Follow the link before to read more reviews:

Mothering is a Verb

Have you ever felt labeled?  Not in the good way, like 'Most likely to succeed' or 'Best Smile' but in the 'you have this one characteristic therefore you must belong in this huge category and are instantly nothing more' kind of way.  From racism to sexism, I'm sure we all are familiar with how not okay it feels to be labeled prematurely.  Since this is certainly my season of life, I've thought about how we label mothers.  The infamous mommy wars are constantly stirring up our insecurities within our own mothering and the judgement and bitterness in our perceptions of other mothers.  We expect others to validate our own choices and then resent everyone else's choices, especially those that would suggest we follow their example.  And we wonder why we all can't just get along! :)

Mothering or being a mother - in its truest form - is a verb.  Growing a child, giving birth, nourishing, protecting, educating, loving are all parts of mothering.  Mothering is so much something you do.  When we label each other and often ourselves - formula, breastfeed, cloth, disposable, work, stay at home, public, private, homeschool, crunchy, anti-vax, vax, epidural, c-section, and every other variable that comes into play in mothering - we are confusing the mess further.  Let's talk about IF you are mothering rather than HOW you are mothering first.  I've only had 2 children and the oldest is 5.  So at best I've had 6 years of parenting experience.  Science and best practices and trending methods of everything have changed since I started.  Does that mean I was an awful mother, but now if I'm caught up with the latest fads, I'm the best mom?  Riiight.  When you know better you do better. Except when you are bitter and angry.  Then we're probably not mothering well, if at all sometimes.

It is very easy to be angry with those that choose differently than you.  It is easy to build others into the big bad guys because they feel strongly about something and it doesn't resonate with you.  It is easy to carry a chip on our shoulder when mothering is different than we expected, but our pride won't allow us to change our minds about anything.   There are a million and 1 opinions about how to mother and of course I have my own, but it is time we focused on the fact that you are mothering for a while.  Because many don't.  Women choose not to mother every day.  From conception to college, there are women who walk away or stay and abuse - certainly not mother.  There are a lot of subjective levels of good mothering, but let's celebrate the verb of mothering rather than hunting someone down to evaluate their 'level' of goodness.  When the heart of a mother is in tune with doing what is good for their child - and not in fighting all the opinions of levels, then those levels will improve over time.  Being angry, defensive or bitter does not a good mother make in the long run.

Once the comparing, judging and defending stops, the passion for mothering well grows.  When you're looking for a reason to choose this option over that, there will be plenty of information available.  Until then, let me be the first to say thank you to the ladies who choose to mother.  There are a lot of ways to change the world, but there isn't anything quite like producing humans after our own living.  Thank you for the mothering that you do.

Is It Just Me or Does This Feel Harder Than It Has To Be?

When the morning begins with smoothie on the ceiling, you want to say why me, but that happens right?  When you're running late, but ridiculously trying to make it work anyway and dinner is delayed by un-popped corn and rice spilling all over the counter and floor,  the words "I quit!" begin to form in your mouth.  When there aren't enough hours in the day and you can't seem to find time to put up baby pictures of your almost 2 year old daughter, you start to feel really defeated.When you spend way too long trying to decide which brand of an unnecessary (yet super cool and handy) new gadget to buy, required to purchase said gadget before it is in hand, wait at the front of a story with hungry and tired kids too long only to be told that it isn't actually in stock and you'll have to stand in the customer service line to return the chunk of change you just gave them for nothing apparently and little miss starts screaming "Noooooo! Caaaar!" - well then the muscles in your neck begin to cramp, and the tears can't be stopped.

This afternoon I read something that I'm ashamed to say shocked the daylights out of me.  We are homeschooling our kids and since J is only 4, we haven't exactly gotten the hang of things yet.  So, I was reading an article on balancing school and keeping up with the house duties - something I'm really struggling with.  The first tip was to delegate.  Yes, my kids can help with a few things, but a large amount of time it is me teaching them to do things and taking twice as long to do so.  Not really helpful in the time department.  The rest of the article was helpful, but at the end were comments.  Several of those comments were from older homeschool moms stating that when their kids were small (like mine), they hired help to keep up with the house!  That there was no way they could keep up with small kids.  Forget the question of whether or not someone could afford such a thing.  My question is, how did I not know this already???  You mean I have been killing myself over here pathetically trying to keep up with EVERYTHING and you guys are saying it can't be done?

I felt justified and deflated all at the same time.  On the one hand, I knew that it was all too much for one person to reasonably manage, but I also felt discouraged at the thought of being given an impossible task.  I need completion and accomplishment for peace of mind and when I'm constantly feeling behind, my mental facets begin to crumble.  With all of the things in my life, it's difficult to complete projects or feel any sense of accomplishment when certain things (dishes) never end.  On the other hand, my insides are screaming, "I KNEW IT!" with a song of victory behind it.  Being a mom - any kind of mom (working, work at home, homeschooling, SAHM) requires tons and tons of time and energy, but certainly when they are small.  Trying to make things run smoothly and cleanly has been driving me mad for a while.  Understanding that no matter which way we organize or plan, running a household with small children is hard and requires a lot of (exhausting) work.

That realization, while perhaps simplistic, made me breathe a little easier.  It didn't change the amount of work that still has to be done in more time than I have to do it, but at least now I know it's not just me.  So, in case you're in like me or in some unavoidable circumstance that seems overwhelming yet maddeningly necessary, it's not just you.  It IS really hard.  In a lot of ways, it IS unfair.  But that family you're working for or that goal you're headed toward, it's totally worth it.  When my kids are grown and as a joke happen on to my writings, I hope they realize that it was ridiculously hard some days, but achieving the goals Mr. Butler and I have as a family are worth every bit of it.  

Balance: Where Emotions and Truth Work Together

Every stage of life seems busier than before.  I just thought I was busy when I was single. married. dogs. work. one kid. graduate school. two kids.  And to the judgemental perfectionist in me, it all sounds like an excuse. But then every week as I live it, I get more and more frustrated at my inability to satisfy all of my priorities.  Granted, one of my major weaknesses is organization and time management, but still.  As I improve, the tasks grow.  As I master skills, new ones are needed.  To a girl who just wants to sit and breathe life in, with no deadlines or requirements, the hamster wheel gets discouraging.  And yet.

To whom much is given, much is required -Luke 12:48 

I'm painfully aware of the countless families without.  Without safety, without health, without opportunity, without God.  And I have so much.  It strikes fear and hesitancy in me because of this part of the verse: much is required. Since I don't have a big hospital story or tragic relationship, shouldn't my contribution to the world be that much greater?  Some moments that idea seems preposterous.  Other moments, it's convicting and debilitating in the same breath.

I have a drive (probably half first born, half strong-willed perfectionist and all passion) to do things well.  Great, important things!  To make a difference! Change the world!  And then I trip over my big daydream into the pile of laundry that hasn't been done just in time to hear scissors being used (by the 3 year old) in the next room and the UPS guy ringing the doorbell, which of course wakes up miss Z.  At that point, grand plans fade and doing a good job today becomes the best I can hope for.

Learning what it means to run a household, to be a submissive and graceful wife, being a mom, and serving God in whatever ('little') way is presented are hugely, important things.  Some would argue that these things are the solution to our society's dive into depravity.  I'm not diminishing their importance.  I'm just being honest about how I struggle to require balance in this area. Either I focus on doing BIG things or I get bogged down in the small, daily things.  I resist making them work together.

Where emotions and truth must work together.

Emotion: I want to be a catalyst for great change in those around me!
Truth: If I don't do the laundry, we will start to stink and that great change will be the number of people who can stand near us.

Truth: You have no money and are about to lose all of your possessions.
Emotion: Gratitude for safety and health.  Joy in God's peace and promises.

Working together is hard.  Melding together thoughts and actions is sometimes very foreign.  How many times have I put my foot in my mouth and someone thinks, "Didn't she think before she opened her mouth?"  Nope.  Sometimes the two just don't coincide.  Unless everything is in agreement, working together means patience, give and take, and probably some pain.  Balance is necessary, Biblical and the most effective place to be, I know.  But just because it is a right thing, doesn't mean it just happens.  It's going to be hard. Just about anything we do can be a battle of what is (truth) and what we feel (emotion).

I still want to do good in the world - and maybe these thoughts can be a start.  I'm still taking my responsibilities as a wife and mother seriously.  What I'm hoping will start to be different is where they can overlap and work together.  The balance is in there somewhere.

Childbirth Recovery: Takes Longer Than You Think

There are plenty of books, pamphlets and internet articles that will confirm that childbirth is a big deal and it can take your body a long time to get back to normal.  So, I'm not going to hash that out.  Instead, I just want to say this:

No matter the details of a birth, transitioning from before to after (no kids to new parents, 1 to 2 kids, etc.) is a big deal.  The body and emotional mind are amazing things - able to adapt and respond in beautiful ways.  But still, it's all a big deal.

Maybe you already know that, but sometimes we don't talk about things the way we should.  My daughter is 2 months old as of yesterday.  It's been 2 whole months since I labored and met her for the first time.  60 days seems like plenty of time to do anything you'd like, right?  Well, I still feel a little shaky.  Physically, aside from the excess weight, I'm just fine.  Tired, but fine.  Mentally, though, I get flashes of normalcy mixed with bizarre time-warp feelings.  Being sad and depressed (PPD) is real and a big deal, but thankfully that's not what I'm talking about.  Life is different and getting used to it isn't awful, but it is hard.

To all the mothers who work full-time and have to return around 6 weeks, I am humbled at your strength.  And I'm not talking about having to leave that precious baby either (that's a whole other mountain I don't know how you guys climb).  Returning to work and being expected to function as you did before isn't unreasonable at all, but you're just not the same.  And sometimes that shows up in the most inconvenient places.  I seem to have trouble talking.  No, really.  I've never been eloquent or warm per say, but now I'm downright awkward and jumbled.  I can't remember words or even concepts sometimes.  My point is that awesome thing that we did (childbirth) creates ripples everywhere and it just takes longer than we think to recover.

Have patience with yourself.  If you aren't a new mother, but work or live with one, have patience with them.  They will amaze you at the things they can do (think up all night with a baby and then takes care of a sick toddler like a pro before a full days work), but don't let that fool you.  What they are doing is a very. big. deal.  And there are hiccups and meltdowns and wrenches thrown.  Be gentle and kind to that hardworking spirit.  In time it will produce fruit ten-fold, just make sure to give it enough time.

Childbirth: Know All Your Options

Recently (as in over the last nine months), I watched the television show Frasier from beginning to end.  In addition to getting attached to characters, it was so interesting to see social and cultural changes over time in a sort of fast forward.  Cell phones grew smaller, talk of the internet grew more common and something near the end of the show - as Niles and Daphne are preparing for the delivery of their child - struck me funny.  They considered (out of elitist pressure, I think) hiring a doula to attend their birth, but in the end decided not to because Daphne didn't want a natural birth.  What was funny was how they attempted to portray a doula as something so outlandish that the audience is expected to think it ridiculous.  Less than a decade later, things such as doulas, midwives, and home births are common place and are showing up on everyone's childbirth 'menu' nowadays.

That's one of the things I'm so thankful for in the day we live in.  We have options. So many options.  In case you haven't looked into childbirth lately, there are a lot of options available which means a lot of decisions to make.  While that can be overwhelming at first, you and your family are much better off fully understanding what you're saying yes and no to.  Everyone has a different circumstance and it is vital to know what's available to you.  In short, do your research - you won't regret it.

For those in the OKC area, here are some people I would recommend, if you're considering using their line of work.

Doula:
Bel Amour Birth Services - Emily Hullet
Grace Full Doula Services - Kathryn Martin
Spirited Birth Services

Midwives:
Community Midwifery Service, LLC
Hands of Grace Birth Services
Heaven Sent Births 
OU Midwives

Resources:
Oklahoma Birth Network
Glasco Chiropractic
The Changing Table
Green Bambino

One of the things you say as and hear from new mothers is "If I had known...then I would have done things differently."  If you have questions, ask.  If you are unsure, find out.  If you don't know what you don't know, then spend time chatting with other moms.  If there's one thing moms like to do, it's share their experiences.  So, do yourself and the precious children you may one day bear and know all of your options!

Night and Day: 2 Birth Stories

Warning: Birth stories aren't everyone's cup of tea so if you're not into details just skim or skip altogether!
Next week we're going to talk all about babies from pregnancy to birth order since it's all fresh on my mind.  To kick things off, here's my childbirth experiences with my two kids.

If only we could all start with the second time around!  Once you've done something, at least once, it makes more sense.  The advice others give you actually computes and you feel a bit more capable.  This was the case with me.

When I gave birth to my first born J, it was like trying to give a cat a bath.  Before the real contractions set it, I was convinced that it wouldn't be that bad.  Truthfully, I needed to believe that otherwise I would have been in full panic mode.  Thankfully, that came later. :) Everything about this labor took longer.  My water broke one day and I didn't give birth until the next.  Labor started in the wee hours of the morning and he was born at dinner time.  Pushing was almost 2 hours.  Short compared to some I'm sure, but to this girl who had expected a baby by lunch, way too long.  But of course, I made it longer than it had to be because I was so frightened and tense that I mentally (and thus physically) ran in the opposite direction.  There's only one way out and I was trying to avoid it like the plague.

So, the entire experience around J was long, hard and stressful, but there was this one, most beautiful thing about it all.  Once the real contractions began, I didn't think I could do it.  Any of it.  If it wasn't coming right then, well, I couldn't do anything different.  So, therefore, it wasn't happening.  I gave up and looked for a miraculous short-cut somewhere.  The most beautiful thing? I did do it.  In my living room, with Mr. Butler's supportive arms around me and no drugs, I worked harder than I'd ever in my life and gave birth to a beautiful (big - 9 lb 4 oz) boy!

When Miss Z was born, things were practically perfect!  But then why shouldn't they have been? I had many factors working for me this time around - I was in better shape, I knew I could do it again,  I had prepared with hypnosis (Blissborn worked beautifully for me!) and I was just prepared this time.  My due date had come and gone so by when the day finally came we were skeptical of everything.  False starts seemed to be the only thing I ever talked about anymore!  I woke up early to real contractions every 15 minutes for an hour and a half.  We alerted some folks and then they promptly quit.  As in nothing.

Still, Mr. Butler stayed home from work and my mom came over.  I walked, ate, and rested.  We agreed that if things weren't happening by lunch time then he would go back to work.  As if like clockwork, lunch time comes and the contractions start in.  So, what do we do? Snack and play trivia pursuit!  Everything was 12-17 minutes for a while.  Around three (times and lengths are a bit sketchy so forgive me) the contractions are more intense and 7-10 minutes apart.  My mom, who over-prepares, gets a bit nervous, thinking the midwives should be called.  Mr. Butler, who under-reacts to everything, delays calling, thinking we have a while.  And why shouldn't he think that?  It took hours to get from where I was right then to actual pushing.  A few minutes labor the contractions dropped to every 4 minutes or so.  Needless to say, he called.  And then couldn't get a hold of anyone.  So, there was mild panic for a little bit.

After that, things get a bit fuzzy mostly because everything went so fast! About the time the midwife (and attendant) got there, we sent Jude with my sister-in-law down the street.  Before I know what's going on, they are trying to get me to lay down - which I didn't really want to do only because I didn't want to mess with what was working.  But, I had been standing for about 3 hours.  They had a good point.  As I lay down and rest a bit, they checked me and I was dilated to a 5.  Not too shabby, but only halfway there. The contractions grew harder.

You're told that when you get the urge to push, go with it.  Well, I never felt anything like that with J.  I was a basket-case and the only thing I felt with him was "Make it STOP!"  So, as I'm laying down my body starts having a mind of its own and I'm certain its NOT time to push because it was too quick.  And yet, it just wouldn't quit.  So, approximately 30 minutes after they checked the last time I had since dilated all the way.  I was ready to go and this baby was coming.  Mr. Butler and I both were in shock! Less than 30 more minutes (of pushing) and Miss Z surprised us even further.  She arrived at 5:34pm and she was a girl!

Night and day I tell you.  What's so neat is how much (so far) their personalities mirror their births.  J is loud and big.  Miss Z is clear and calm.  And they complement each other and us so beautifully.  God is so wise and good.

Motherhood is Beautiful

This afternoon I had swaddled miss Z up and was bouncing her around (a pre-nap ritual anymore) while perusing facebook.  All in the same scan, I see two separate friends who recently had lost their mothers, some friends who are afraid they are about to lose their mother, and plenty of new baby pictures.  As I look at my daughter, desperately aware of the earth-moving events happening simultaneously, I see a very different picture of being someone's mother.

As a kid, and even a little now, a compliment from my mom is usually a paradox of sorts.  If she fails to compliment or notice something I've done well, then utter disappointment builds up.  And yet, as soon as the compliment rolls off her tongue, my brain smirks and says, "Yeah, but you have to say that.  You're my mother."  And to a point, it's kind of true.  The two kids sleeping down the hallway can throw crazy fits, highlight all of my inadequacies and make every mess imaginable and I'll still giggle at how 'cute' they are at any given moment.  All the milestones are significant mostly because they are being reached by MY child.

And yet, every hour of sleep I lose to feed or rock a baby is a choice.  Every diaper I change or every vegetable I make sure is eaten is a choice.  Mothering, while arguably highly instinctual for some, is most certainly a daily (hourly) choice.   It's a heart-breaking reality that some mothers do not make positive choices for their children - rejecting them, abusing them.  Those that do strive for their children's growth and well-being are much more valuable because we see that they have chosen to mother, when they could have chosen not to.  

Motherhood is beautiful.  Discovering a new human being and teaching them the world all in one breath is amazing.  And mom's do it every day.  But that's not even the best part.  Growth in every way possible creeps into your life, sometimes without even realizing it.  I know parenthood isn't for everyone, but if you're on the fence about whether or not to have kids, this is what tips it in favor.  Those precious little souls (that make me wonder what I did with all of that time I used to have) are changing me for the better.

Miss Z was sleeping and had another hour before needing to eat again.  J had confirmed my fears that he had contracted Hand, Foot & Mouth disease and went to bed loaded up with herbs and a fever.  Most things in the house had been straightened and I was wiping down the counters in the kitchen.  Suddenly, I had flashes of my grandma's kitchen all cleaned up and glowing in the dark from some lighting underneath the top cabinets.  All the kids and grandkids tucked away in a corner or couch somewhere before or after some big holiday like Thanksgiving or Christmas.  And the weirdest thing happened.  I didn't resent the cosmos for having to wipe down the counters or clean up dishes.  Having my own kids in their beds and finishing up my household tasks for the night was absolutely fulfilling.  It felt right and comforting and good.

Never before had I really understood why someone (moms usually) would work so hard to provide things like warm meals, clean beds and comforts of home from a place of joy.  It seemed to me they probably did it because no one else would and it was expected of them.  And of course sometimes those are the only reasons anything gets done, at least in this house for sure.  But in that moment I felt the incomparable joy of motherhood.

Miss Z - Why I LOVE Having a Daughter

Before Miss Z was born, I shared my reasons for never wanting a daughter and for the first time began to consider what it might be like to have a girl.  Well, surprise! It's a girl!  And before anyone starts to think I would like to send her back, I thought I'd share some wonderful things about having a daughter!

She's mine. J's mine too of course, but Z is mine even more somehow.  J adores his father and we talk all the time about how he's strong/helping/fun like daddy.  I can't say how Z will feel about me, but she'll be more like me than anyone else in the house.  It's just nice to not feel outnumbered anymore!

There's no box.  It's 2013, and while our world has plenty of problems, my daughter doesn't have a box she has to fit into.  Following the heart of God doesn't require a box, just a willing spirit.  I never felt like that was acceptable as a girl growing up.  I love that I can teach Z to see things differently than I did.

She's laid back! From pregnancy to birth, from birth to date Miss Z is one chilled out lady!  She is a constant reminder for me to relax.  Partially because I need to relax anyway, but also because I don't want to 'teach her' how to be uptight or panicky all the time.  Whatever I want her to be like in the future, I need to model now.  So, she's helping me be better already.

She's beautiful! I have always struggled with a low opinion of how I look.  I feel like I've come full circle since I was a teenager- appreciating my strengths more than I used to.  But still, it's a bizarre feeling to look at her and think just how beautiful she is, only to have everyone comment on how much she looks like me.  I don't consider myself a beautiful person, but to have her beautiful face remind someone of me is such a sweet thing.

I can't say what the future holds and what I'll think about having a girl once she can walk and talk.  But I think its a whole new ballgame for me.  And that's mostly a good thing I think! ;)

Another Strong-Willed Secret: Sensitivity

We've talked at length about my strong-willed nature and shared a few insights as I have taken a ride on the parenting coaster.  Boundaries, consistency and love are mandatory for success, wouldn't we all agree?  There's another secret that isn't widely acknowledged when dealing with a strong-willed child.  Most children that everyone would consider strong-willed (not just the parents in a moment of exhaustion) have the potential for deep anger and acting out, but what we often don't see is how deeply sensitive they are.

Being "sensitive" has all kinds of connotations with it, so let's define what I mean real quick:

1) Quick to detect or respond to slight changes, signals, or influences.

2) Having acute mental or emotional sensibility; aware of and responsive to the feelings of others.

This sensitivity can manifest itself in many different ways (physical, emotional, relational, etc.), but very often it is a real factor in whatever issue is being brought up at the time.  If you're ever hit with the "why is my child blowing his top out of nowhere?" consider that it might be some change in routine, health, relationship, you-name-it.  Don't for a second convince yourselves that this child isn't seeing everything!  The look on your face that says "I hate dealing with this" or the comments under your breath about how you don't have time for that - it all goes in and can mean something drastically different than just a parents exhaustion talking.

As parents or guardians, especially if we cannot relate, a child (who is acting oh-so ugly) being sensitive is usually rejected, ignored or at least overlooked.  Some may think there is no sensitivity at all, which absolutely feeds the fire of conflict.  Others might acknowledge it if they understood, but neither party have a way of communicating about it.

Intense emotions usually come from deep feelings.  Regardless of how right or wrong the feelings may be, that strong-willed child is feeling it to their core.  Dismissing those deep feelings (intentionally or not) will cause them to increase, not fade.  So, what? Are we supposed to cater and tip-toe because somebody feels something?

Not really.  But here's where the lesser experienced parent might step on your toes.

-Discipline does not require a parent's hurt feelings, looks of utter disappointment and words of anger.  Sometimes, especially when someone's safety is at risk, it can be appropriate.  But run of the mill tantrum or problem? It's just an excuse for an overworked, underpaid parent to vent.  And at that point, the lesson is more about how we feel about each other rather than the rule that was broken.

Before I'm misunderstood, consequences should be swift and solid.  The strong-will sensitivity will pick up on even the slightest loophole. So, I'm not advocating that we just be nice to our kids and all will be solved.  But the relationship between you and your child should be just as constant as their consequences.  Teach them to cope with their mistakes and accept their consequences, demonstrating that we can still 'be okay' even when things go really wrong.

As I consider my own reactions and behaviors as a strong-willed child AND looking at my son's strong-willed tendencies, I am regularly convicted by the advice my mother received upon questioning if there was something wrong with me.  Her chiropractor at the time said this,

"She's not sick, she's strong-willed.  She needs the level of discipline (& consistency) as she would receive in a monastery, but an EQUAL amount of love."

That love means patience, it means gentleness, it means the security of a relationship alongside the boundaries of a fortress!  And it is so hard. As parents we get tired, frustrated and isolated in our feelings of responsibility and pressure to make it all work.  With strong-willed personalities, it's only magnified.  It helps to remember that all the fights and ugliness can easily originate in a sensitive little heart that hasn't learned what to do with it yet.  Let's all strive to teach how to cope instead of demonstrating how to react.

Who Doesn't Love Letters?

One of the most treasured things in a person's life is usually words from a loved one who has died.  A letter from a parent or grandparent is just more special than I can express.  Everyone loves letters written specifically for them, no matter the age.

As a teenager I was always fascinated with finding a journal in a secret wall or buried in an attic that would be full of some persons writings, maybe even written to me, the finder.  Because of that, I LOVED keeping journals, still do.

When we decided to get pregnant I found the perfect little notebook with trees and owls on the front and different wooded scenes on every page.  Ever since we confirmed that I was pregnant I've been writing to J every so often - usually a couple of times a month if I'm doing well.  Now that I've been at it for over a year an a half, I'm so glad that I did.  It has captured parts of me that fade so quickly and are forgotten.  The excitement and fear about being a mom.  The lessons I want him to learn.  My reactions to the different stages and new discoveries of his personality.  And Randy has written a handful of times as well - which I think is super special.  He wrote right after J was born and I was a bit incapacitated.  What I am trying to get at is that doing this has been a super blessing even to me.  And I trust that when J is 12 or 15 or even having his own children that this can be a neat perspective he'll have about his own past that might positively influence his future.

Now that J's older I don't write quite as often as I did, but it really doesn't take much time at all to put a glimpse of our life down on paper every month or two.  This idea, I think, is something you could do for anyone that you love or really want to communicate with but find it difficult.  The written word can last longer and brings with it time to think about what is being said, instead of thinking about how you're going to respond.  Maybe you have an anniversary coming up or you want to do something special for a mother or father's day gift.  Or even just a special birthday.  Who doesn't love getting letters and notes?

Book Review: what mothers do (especially when it looks like nothing)

what mothers do (especially when it looks like nothing
by Naomi Stadlen c2004

Let me begin by saying, I should have read this book while I was pregnant.  If you ever plan on having (more) kids, I recommend you reading this book during your pregnancy, whether or not you've had kids before.  It took me a while to finish it, mostly because I started it when Jude was a month or two old - not the best time to accomplish anything.

What I liked about it:
It's not a parenting book or a child psychology book.  It's a woman sharing her thoughts, thoughts of the numerous new mothers she's counseled and simply ruminating on concepts that are taken for granted by mothers and the rest of the world.  My favorite chapters (that resonated with me the most) were (4) "being instantly interruptible", (6) "I get nothing done all day", and (11)"snapping at my partner". It genuinely discusses the value and importance of what mothers do - like functioning on interrupted sleep, the ability to shift gears from a project to diapering/soothing/nursing and back again over the course of an hour or more.  In a nutshell, it validated and justified the out of control feelings that surrounded me and appreciated (valued) the unspoken acts a mother gives daily to her child.

Concerns:
Not all mothering experiences are the same so for the chapters that didn't apply to me as much, the reading got tedious, but in the areas I needed, the extra discussion was good.  So, picking and choosing what you want to read about could be a good thing if you're short on time and attention.

Overall, a mom (especially a new one) is so vulnerable to first few weeks and months.  Sometimes there are great women to guide and reassure them and sometimes there just isn't.  This book can definitely fill in gaps.  It's not an instruction manual or even one woman's opinion on how to mother.  It's just a gathering of 100's of women's experiences, organized in such a way to assure the reader that she's perfectly normal and doing great things as a mother, even when it looks like nothing!

What Mothers Do

About a month or so ago, I ran across a book, "what mothers do: especially when it looks like nothing" by Naomi Stadlen.  At first glance it seemed to address a lot of what I was dealing with currently.  I went out and bought it but haven't made the time to finish reading it.  But, I'm now working on it.  Today I read this passage and thought it was really worth sharing.  I wish I would have been told (and equally listened to) something like this.  The further I get in time away from those first weeks and months, I see how applicable this is.

"...She supposes her baby must be out of line because he does not do what the expert assured her was "normal" for a baby of that particular age.  It may sound strange, but the solution to this "problem" does not seem to be a super-expert...If she feels disoriented, this is not a problem requiring bookshelves of literature to put right.  No, it is exactly the right state of mind for the teach-yourself process that lies ahead of her.  Every time a woman has a baby she has something to learn partly from her culture but mostly from the baby.  If she really considered herself an expert, or if her ideas were set, she would find it very hard to adapt to her individual baby.  Even after her first baby, she cannot sit back as an expert on all babies. Each child will be a little different and teach her something new.  She needs to feel uncertain in order to be flexible.  So, although it can seem so alarming, the "all-at-sea" feeling is appropriate.  Uncertainly is a good starting point for a mother.  Through uncertainty, she can begin to learn."

My biggest complaint over the last 6 months has been control.  I've wanted it all to be an exact science when I should have been embracing the instability and confusion.  So far, I really enjoy the book, even though I'm only 50 pages in.  It is discussing all of the assumptions about motherhood that just get overlooked and not acknowledged (even by ourselves) as significant, not just in accomplishment, but in how it changes our lives (body and spirit).  It's helping me appreciate the whole process more, anyway.

Book Review: Ministry of Motherhood

I recently read a book that, in light of my impending motherhood, should be on my reading list yearly if not more.  Its a few years old so perhaps many have already read it, but at the chance that some hadn't, I thought it was good enough to share.

The Ministry of Motherhood: Following Christ's Example in Reaching the Hearts of Our Children
By Sally Clarkson

In my own preparation for the tornado that motherhood is about to bring me, much of the information and conversations are on childcare, as in diapers, furniture, discipline, and so on.  There is less talk about  the spiritual lives of children and what I can do outside of "set a good example" or "teach them the love God", which, by the way, I expect are core principles to parenting.  The difficulty is that it rarely goes further than that.  How do you set the right example and how do you teach them to love God?  The great thing about this book is that, to me, it showed me several ways to just that AND kept parenting in a healthy perspective.

Just a taste of what this book discusses:

We are expected and commanded to give good gifts to our children.  Clarkson shares her desire to make sure those gifts weren't just physical things and what she came up with.  Below are the 5 sections of the book and within each section are approximately 4-5 chapters that go into detail about how to give that gift.

The Gift of Grace

The Gift of Inspiration

The Gift of Faith

The Gift of Training

The Gift of Service

Ultimately, the book is a mother sharing stories about her own children and what they've learned from each other, but every section was full of things I either hadn't thought of or was not remembering long enough to practice it in my life.  It is sold on  Amazon.com or you can save money like me and borrow it from your local library!