What Happens If You're Disappointed This Week?

Disappointment is a big issue with kids around.  Every parent will tell you not to say a word about a trip to the zoo or a possible visitor until it is actively happening, otherwise there will be mountains of disappointed fits.  One of the ways we try to manage disappointment with our kids, especially as they've gotten older, is to talk about how we will react if we are disappointed.  When there's a chance their cousins will get to come over, but it's still up in the air (or something in that same category), we often have them talk about what they will feel and what they will do with that feeling.  I don't want to sound patronizing, but I think we all need to take ourselves through this exercise before this election on Tuesday.

Like it or not, there will be a lot of people disappointed by this presidential election, as there always is.  I'm not sure who it will be - maybe you, maybe your neighbor, but there will be disappointment.  How are we going to handle ourselves if that happens to us?  Even better, how are we going to handle ourselves if the outcome is something we like?  We've gotten used to the term unprecedented times as though it excuses bad behavior, but it really calls for grace.  That means not returning angry words with more angry words.  That means treating others with dignity whether we feel they deserve it or not.  That means not being a sore loser or condescending winner.  

This next week could be a side show of epic proportions or it might be a pleasant dive into November.  Whatever the case, I'm still commanded to live a life that reflects Jesus and His reign in my life.  Of course, it is easier said than done when unrest hits close to home.  There might be a lot of reasons you are afraid and unsettled heading in to this week. We don't know the future and this year has given all of us a dose of PTSD so it's easy to assume it may just get worse.  And maybe it will.  But if God is directing your path, then whatever is happening is allowed and ultimately His will.

Just as God and my marriage to Mr. Butler dictates that I love him just as much when things are really bad as when they are amazing, our commitment to godly behavior extends to when life is scary or unfair.  And maybe you are going to be tempted to argue or fuss this week as a result of the election.  It's understandable because, well, 2020.  But love is patient, love is kind.  And He is love and so then should we be as well.  So, as you think about all the bazillion ways this week could go, consider how you will choose to behave in response to it.  Will that remind others of how your final authority is in heaven?  Or will it just add to the mess of ugliness that comes from losing your way?

I'm praying for us tonight because we all need it so much.  Let's pray together for clear heads prevailing in all things this week and protection against foolish words and actions.  And for goodness sakes, let's keep it together! :)

Out of Context: The Importance of Breaks

Sometimes we can get so entrenched in our life that we lose the proper context or perspective we should be living in.  From a designated quiet time where everyone reads to a romantic getaway for a couple of weeks, we all need to prioritize breaks in our life.  It’s easy to make excuses because, well, life.  There could be several reasons why temporarily changing your normal seems out of reach.  Money, babysitters, work requirements, school requirements, and responsibilities of all kinds absolutely make it challenging, but no matter what the obstacle is, finding a way is worth it.  Teaching our children and future generations the importance of balancing work and rest is worth it.     

Anxiety, depression and suicide seem to be at an all time high.  Kids and teenagers are    mountains of pressure (and not handling it well) despite our culture of convenience.  The internet and social media have created problems we weren’t really ready for.  Well-meaning parents everywhere are looking for an easy solution, but avoiding lifestyle changes like the plague.  Just like the person who complains about weight-gain, but continues a fast food, lethargic way of life, nothing will change for the better unless you insist upon it.  Taking breaks – physical, emotional, and spiritual – gives life to our motivation and purpose.  Stopping the regular flow of life allows us to see it differently, often more clearly.  Distance away from the people in your life, even just 20 feet for an hour’s time can spark joy and clarity.

Kids, like adults, have varying rhythms and paces.  Now that my 3^rd baby is almost 3, I can say with conviction that every kid is sooooo different and that includes what kind of distance and downtime they require for optimal mental health.  Knowing them and how they really function best takes time and study, but it’s the only way we can truly give them these tools in the future. 

After a very eventful Winter Break, I learned a few things about breaks.

You don’t know what life would be like with less until you’ve tried it.  Less obligations, less outings, less distractions, less busy.  Until soccer season is over or that side job goes on hiatus, you can’t really understand what’s important to you or how your family might function (better).

The complaints you have about your job/family/house/life are often just the result of crankiness.  When we’re hungry/tired/sick/stressed/overstimulated/neglected everything feels worse.  Taking a time out to remedy one or more of those needs can eliminate the bulk of those complaints very quickly.  Like a child who needs a nap, we have a tendency to overextend and get shocked at our inability to live life calmly.

A break is worth just as much whether it’s on a tropical beach somewhere or on your back porch with the kids banned inside.  Every season of life has its limits and struggles, but breaks are still needed.  If you can afford to take a vacation – DO IT! If you have amazing babysitters – TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THEM!  If you have the chance to not commit to as much – DON’T FEEL GUILTY!  If you are bound up right now in life, then make the porch or the bathroom this amazing space where no one is allowed to interrupt for 15 minutes!

Honor those in your family by teaching them the value of breaks.

The Lies of Racing Thoughts

I sat in the stands, focused on my son's baseball game.  One moment I'm so proud of his courage and love for this game.  The next moment, as our pitching efforts only brought about walks and a slew of runs for the other team, my thoughts had literally jumped off a cliff. This is so not fair.  We should never have signed up for this.  We should absolutely find a team more on his level. It's just humiliating. All the racing thoughts had made my skin flush with heat. It was definitely a fight or flight moment of my own making!  Since I was just a spectator, there was no fighting or fleeing, only more thinking, thankfully.

The truth is the only problem with that scenario the other night was my thinking and pride.  My son is 7 playing on a 10 and under team at the YMCA.  If you're unfamiliar, the YMCA's purpose in sports is foremost to introduce kids to the sport, encourage sportsmanship and give everyone a chance.  A typical week includes one practice and one game and the season is 8 weeks long.  This is a clear alternative to the heavily competitive leagues that take up a lot of money and a lot of time.  So everything that took place absolutely fit into the context we signed up for.  J has gotten a lot of playing time in new positions.  He's learning about teamwork and emotionally processing losses.  We are busy but not so tied to baseball activities that we can't do anything else.  It is exactly what he needs right now.

So, why were my thoughts and emotions spinning out of control?  Because part of being human is desiring to be the best - or at least good enough.  Whenever there is comparison or competition we notice where we rate and hope it's at the top, no matter how unrealistic it may be.  But there isn't a real honest need for me or my child to be the best in any of this.  He needs to learn and that comes from adversity.  He needs to honor God with his whole life and that means never letting anything else rise above it.  He needs to be a joyful person and that can go away quickly when we lose sight of what's important in our family.

Too often we let racing thoughts - full of lies - determine how we respond to other people or what we spend our time and money on.  The honest truth behind the WRITE Balance is taking the time to write something down in order to consider it's value or truth before acting.  The way we feel should always give us clues as to what's going on with us.  However, that does NOT give them authority to make decisions without feedback.  How much of our life are we living because the hair is standing up on the back of our necks?  I don't want to be left out, I don't want to be disrespected, I want, want want....but if we were to write it down on paper and really face it?  Maybe we would choose differently.

Reacting to Reactions is Usually Reactive

There is a lot of life that is just someone reacting to someone else.  So many of my decisions or conclusions have been made reacting to something else.  For me, reacting is like breathing sometimes.  And yet just as I say that, I see entire institutions change directions or entire generations poisoned by over-reactive responses.

When someone else goes too far or even so little as to just make a mistake, it is so tempting and self-assuring to run in the other direction.  But usually, we go too far also.  Folks, that's how wars are started and sustained.  Certainly there are good reasons to run in an opposite direction, but unless those reasons are harmonized through facts AND emotions, the risk of doing more harm than good goes up exponentially.

Take weight gain for an example.  Let's say I start a work out regimen and counting calories.  After 2 weeks, the scale says I have gained 5 pounds.  A typical response might be to grow discouraged and, in order to lift my droopy spirits, eat a carton of ice cream.  Experiencing negative results to hard work is a good reason to be discouraged.  It's reasonable.  But eating an entire carton? Really?  To my emotions it felt not only justified, but exonerating even.  If, however, you ran through some facts first, you'll understand that it wasn't necessary or even a good idea.  New weight-loss efforts often cause a temporary build up of weight-gain before a large weight-loss.  The 5 extra pounds are likely exactly what I want to happen.  Furthermore, eating a carton of ice cream in no way makes my weight-loss efforts easier, but worse.

Unless we take the time to harmonize our emotions with rational facts, we're probably going to miss something major.  Even our physical body mimics this at times.  Eating poorly can affect our brain power and mood.  State of mind can impact the effectiveness of an exercise routine or even sleep.  There's often much more to a problem than we initially see.  A kids temper tantrum is rarely just about not getting one specific thing.  It's vital to take the extra time to give the entire issue balanced attention.  Like I may have mentioned before, if you're an overly emotional person, you NEED a highly rational friend that you consult with often.  If you are very logical and straightforward, it is healthy (especially for your other relationships) to spend quality time with a passionate person.

The perfection or completeness in Christ that we're supposed to strive for is a balance of many things.  The more we surround ourselves with balancing people, the easier that balance becomes.  Let's work on pausing before we react.  Pause long enough to consider what might be missing (some heart or some facts) in our reaction.  Whether you are 3 or 93, this can go a long way in ensuring a good life.

4 Things to Do Before You Give Up

We live in quite a complicated time, don't we?  Lots of corruption, violence, and circumstances we never dreamed of.  This week I had a hard time with motivation and productivity.  That mountain (be it laundry or a painful conversation) just seemed insurmountable.  

Good news, though.  It wasn't.  Insurmountable, I mean.  With my head, sometimes it's just a matter of figuring out what I'm lacking and my whole perspective will change.  Balance is everything, I tell you.  What I really needed was a couple of hours to clean, on a Saturday morning when the air feels different, just because it is Saturday.  I needed a little play time with my sweet girl and then to pass by her room a few times, knowing she's sleeping.  It all was beautiful therapy for me today.

Angry or bitter thoughts, bleak outlooks on the world can seep into our hearts and convince us that everything is futile and pointless.  To continue in the midst of controversy or struggle is foolish, you think.  If you find yourself here, as I have lately, here are a couple of things to consider first:

1) Check the Weather.  The weather affects us in so many ways.  How many days has it been since the sun was shining?   Maybe part of your foul mood is due to all the rain/snow/ice/heat you've had lately! Is a full moon coming around soon?  Ask any teacher, police officer or ER professional.  The full moon can do crazy things to people - myself included!

2) Check your Intro/Extroverted Status.  How long has it been since you recharged? Neglected our natural temperament's needs can do more damage than you'd think.  Just a couple of hours with no one to talk to or think about frees and feeds me in a way nothing else can!

3) Check your Fat.  Are you getting plenty of good fats and omegas (fish oil)? Adding this one element to your diet and supplements can make a huge difference in your brain activity and mood.

4) See the Good.  We easily latch on the bad, the worrisome and the ugly.  No matter what is going on in the world, there is still beautiful, wonderful things.  Take some time to soak them in before you give you to quickly!

 

Balance: Where Emotions and Truth Work Together

Every stage of life seems busier than before.  I just thought I was busy when I was single. married. dogs. work. one kid. graduate school. two kids.  And to the judgemental perfectionist in me, it all sounds like an excuse. But then every week as I live it, I get more and more frustrated at my inability to satisfy all of my priorities.  Granted, one of my major weaknesses is organization and time management, but still.  As I improve, the tasks grow.  As I master skills, new ones are needed.  To a girl who just wants to sit and breathe life in, with no deadlines or requirements, the hamster wheel gets discouraging.  And yet.

To whom much is given, much is required -Luke 12:48 

I'm painfully aware of the countless families without.  Without safety, without health, without opportunity, without God.  And I have so much.  It strikes fear and hesitancy in me because of this part of the verse: much is required. Since I don't have a big hospital story or tragic relationship, shouldn't my contribution to the world be that much greater?  Some moments that idea seems preposterous.  Other moments, it's convicting and debilitating in the same breath.

I have a drive (probably half first born, half strong-willed perfectionist and all passion) to do things well.  Great, important things!  To make a difference! Change the world!  And then I trip over my big daydream into the pile of laundry that hasn't been done just in time to hear scissors being used (by the 3 year old) in the next room and the UPS guy ringing the doorbell, which of course wakes up miss Z.  At that point, grand plans fade and doing a good job today becomes the best I can hope for.

Learning what it means to run a household, to be a submissive and graceful wife, being a mom, and serving God in whatever ('little') way is presented are hugely, important things.  Some would argue that these things are the solution to our society's dive into depravity.  I'm not diminishing their importance.  I'm just being honest about how I struggle to require balance in this area. Either I focus on doing BIG things or I get bogged down in the small, daily things.  I resist making them work together.

Where emotions and truth must work together.

Emotion: I want to be a catalyst for great change in those around me!
Truth: If I don't do the laundry, we will start to stink and that great change will be the number of people who can stand near us.

Truth: You have no money and are about to lose all of your possessions.
Emotion: Gratitude for safety and health.  Joy in God's peace and promises.

Working together is hard.  Melding together thoughts and actions is sometimes very foreign.  How many times have I put my foot in my mouth and someone thinks, "Didn't she think before she opened her mouth?"  Nope.  Sometimes the two just don't coincide.  Unless everything is in agreement, working together means patience, give and take, and probably some pain.  Balance is necessary, Biblical and the most effective place to be, I know.  But just because it is a right thing, doesn't mean it just happens.  It's going to be hard. Just about anything we do can be a battle of what is (truth) and what we feel (emotion).

I still want to do good in the world - and maybe these thoughts can be a start.  I'm still taking my responsibilities as a wife and mother seriously.  What I'm hoping will start to be different is where they can overlap and work together.  The balance is in there somewhere.

When Nobody Cares

No matter your job, station or personality, there will be days when all of your hard work, devotion and love will be overlooked, ignored and left to fall into the oblivion.  And while we can all sit here and discuss the whys and the explanations, to the person feeling unimportant the whys don't matter.  At least not right then. What usually matters is the list of other people who are acknowledged or showered with attention.  The main thing the insignificant person can see is how little their effort seems to matter, unless of course they didn't follow through next time.  Then maybe there'd be a big stink, but mostly it would just be a reprimand of "do better next time" that seems to communicate nobody has time for excuses.

The days we are that person, in the throws of self-pity (justified or not) and desperate for importance and appreciation, what do you do? For some it's not hard to complain and ask for extra attention.  But that's typically not who I'm talking about.  For others, just bringing it up makes them feel like a heel, tainting any further attention that might come.  In that case (when you know it's at  bare minimum rude to say "Hey, can someone give me a round of applause please because I'm working really hard?"), what do you do?

Honestly, I'm not sure what works the best, but here are a few things that we can try:

1) Pray.  Pray for your pride and your emotional needs.  Pray for those that are not appreciating you.  Pray for a distraction, something to look forward to, or for the appreciation to just not matter today.

2) Revisit old or determine new goals for yourself.  What's the purpose of your work/effort/devotion?  Sometimes we get focused on the acknowledgement and lose sight of the purpose.  Appreciation is healthy and necessary for flourishing relationships, but shouldn't be the purpose.  If it has evolved into that, then maybe it's time to focus on something else.

3)Write down why you matter.  Make a list. Journal about it.  Tell the dog.  Notice how everything on the list is possible through the grace of God.  Then, find someone else and tell them why THEY matter too.

How much violence and permanent damage (to groups, relationships, etc.) is the exasperated result of someone getting their feelings hurt in some way?  Far too much.  I struggle with allowing my feelings fester into destructive reactions - to life, to people, to things I know are not the cause.  And if I don't find something productive (like writing about it or talking to someone) about the issue, I grow more and more reactive and destructive.  It's never justified, but it does give a context for how overreactive people can get.  Let's help each other by honoring each other's emotions and giving safe arenas to work through pain and human hurt.

Another Strong-Willed Secret: Sensitivity

We've talked at length about my strong-willed nature and shared a few insights as I have taken a ride on the parenting coaster.  Boundaries, consistency and love are mandatory for success, wouldn't we all agree?  There's another secret that isn't widely acknowledged when dealing with a strong-willed child.  Most children that everyone would consider strong-willed (not just the parents in a moment of exhaustion) have the potential for deep anger and acting out, but what we often don't see is how deeply sensitive they are.

Being "sensitive" has all kinds of connotations with it, so let's define what I mean real quick:

1) Quick to detect or respond to slight changes, signals, or influences.

2) Having acute mental or emotional sensibility; aware of and responsive to the feelings of others.

This sensitivity can manifest itself in many different ways (physical, emotional, relational, etc.), but very often it is a real factor in whatever issue is being brought up at the time.  If you're ever hit with the "why is my child blowing his top out of nowhere?" consider that it might be some change in routine, health, relationship, you-name-it.  Don't for a second convince yourselves that this child isn't seeing everything!  The look on your face that says "I hate dealing with this" or the comments under your breath about how you don't have time for that - it all goes in and can mean something drastically different than just a parents exhaustion talking.

As parents or guardians, especially if we cannot relate, a child (who is acting oh-so ugly) being sensitive is usually rejected, ignored or at least overlooked.  Some may think there is no sensitivity at all, which absolutely feeds the fire of conflict.  Others might acknowledge it if they understood, but neither party have a way of communicating about it.

Intense emotions usually come from deep feelings.  Regardless of how right or wrong the feelings may be, that strong-willed child is feeling it to their core.  Dismissing those deep feelings (intentionally or not) will cause them to increase, not fade.  So, what? Are we supposed to cater and tip-toe because somebody feels something?

Not really.  But here's where the lesser experienced parent might step on your toes.

-Discipline does not require a parent's hurt feelings, looks of utter disappointment and words of anger.  Sometimes, especially when someone's safety is at risk, it can be appropriate.  But run of the mill tantrum or problem? It's just an excuse for an overworked, underpaid parent to vent.  And at that point, the lesson is more about how we feel about each other rather than the rule that was broken.

Before I'm misunderstood, consequences should be swift and solid.  The strong-will sensitivity will pick up on even the slightest loophole. So, I'm not advocating that we just be nice to our kids and all will be solved.  But the relationship between you and your child should be just as constant as their consequences.  Teach them to cope with their mistakes and accept their consequences, demonstrating that we can still 'be okay' even when things go really wrong.

As I consider my own reactions and behaviors as a strong-willed child AND looking at my son's strong-willed tendencies, I am regularly convicted by the advice my mother received upon questioning if there was something wrong with me.  Her chiropractor at the time said this,

"She's not sick, she's strong-willed.  She needs the level of discipline (& consistency) as she would receive in a monastery, but an EQUAL amount of love."

That love means patience, it means gentleness, it means the security of a relationship alongside the boundaries of a fortress!  And it is so hard. As parents we get tired, frustrated and isolated in our feelings of responsibility and pressure to make it all work.  With strong-willed personalities, it's only magnified.  It helps to remember that all the fights and ugliness can easily originate in a sensitive little heart that hasn't learned what to do with it yet.  Let's all strive to teach how to cope instead of demonstrating how to react.

The Questions We Should Ask, But Don't

In a 10 year span, most people encounter several head swirling events, any of which can really mess a person up if they let it.  The thing is, we often don't talk about these kind of events like that.  We talk about graduating college as the gateway to the future.  Marriage is easily characterized as the happiest day of our lives.  Then pregnancy and parenthood are spoken of in magical terms where the world is wafted with sunshine and rainbows.  And if we're all honest about it, deep down we want to believe it will all be true for us.  We are different.  The cool part is that there are days like that.  Days where I know I'm the luckiest girl in the world with amazing opportunities and joy beyond measure because of my husband, my work and my children.  But the other days - when I don't feel those things - well, we don't talk about those much, do we?

The other day I had a day that I just wouldn't want to share with anybody.  I didn't feel well physically. I was short-tempered with my son.  I was hateful to my husband.  And I accomplished nothing of note - as in no housework, no better attitude, barely getting the dogs fed kind of a day.  Granted, I'm pregnant and have been suffering from mood swings a lot lately, but it was still one of those 'I must be the worst person on the planet' days.  And the hardest part about it?  The next day I didn't feel any better.  It's like hitting a brick wall twice.  Ain't nobody got time for that!

In life, we experience things that we hope to never talk about with anyone - or at least as few as possible.  But I think we should.  Mostly, to know that we're not the only one who's ever faced such a thing.  Marriage problems, addictions, depression, feelings of failure because of layoffs, parenting problems, resentment, overwhelming pessimism, etc.  Just fill in whatever issue you struggle with right now.  We all know of people who have surprising problems. "I had no idea!" always follows the discussion.  So often, if we would talk about it, these problems can be ridden out before permanent destruction occurs.

We all have circumstances, health issues, weaknesses and a whole lot of faults.  And that's not really the problem.  The destruction really begins when we start thinking we're alone or no one else has to deal with anything like this.  Sure, it's not a good idea to tell anyone who will listen to all your dirty laundry, but find at least one or two friends to be honest with.  Whether you're at a crossroads of decisions, drowning in silence or just about to jump into something big (like college, marriage or kids), ask questions of those in the throws.  Ask the weird, maybe hard questions.

• What do you wish someone had told you before you went to college/took your first job/got married/had kids/bought a house?
• Did you ever completely regret getting married/that degree/having children?
• Have you ever taken anti-depressants?
• Have you ever had an addiction problem?
• Did you ever feel like you just couldn't do it anymore?
• How do people deal with feeling ashamed of where their life is?
• Have you ever had a lot of debt?
• Did you ever have suicidal thoughts?
• Do you ever resent your kids?
• Have you ever found out your spouse lied to you? 

This is the stuff that turning points are made of.  There are ways out, but all too often it's really hard to see them by yourself.  What do you wish someone had told you before now?

A Lesson in Disagreeing

Mr. Butler and I disagree a lot.  As I've said before, we're very different and that gets complicated.  But we like each other a lot too.  Sometimes I get very frustrated, demanding he agree with me or I feel utterly rejected.  And, just as a reminder, he's the safest place in the world for me.

Now think of a group of people - friends, your local congregation, colleagues at work, a class at school - and think about times anyone has disagreed with anyone else.  At their worst, things can get so ugly that there is separation, ridicule and some form of exile.  And I'm not talking at all about discipline situations. Do you dislike people because they disagree with you?  Do they dislike you because you disagree with them? 

I think a lot of people make an assumption, myself included, that is really wrong.  Disagreement doesn't have to mean or equal dislike.  I can say from first hand experience that sometimes it feels like you disagreeing with me is you disliking me, but that's not usually true.  At least not at first.  Most dislike comes when harsh words or flippant attitudes are thrown around and then concern for others flies out the window.

If you're like me and you've seen a lot of ugliness from people (myself included), it's hard to imagine what it's like for disagreements to be calm and productive.  But, I tell you they do exist and can be taught.  Mr. Butler is slowly teaching me, emphasis on slowly.  Let's just say it's very challenging to pull your emotions out of the game of disagreeing.  However, the foundation I'm trying to build on is that disagreement doesn't have to mean dislike.  I'll keep you posted! 

Eating an Elephant

 "How do you eat an elephant?"       

"One bite at a time!"

It is silly but holds so much good advice for every part of life.  This week I've committed to not only watering our plants first thing in the morning, but also doing some weeding.  It doesn't have to be tons, but some. This morning, though I wasn't that motivated to do it, I started watering and had almost talked myself out of weeding when guilt took over.  By the time I had taken my body to its limit, something amazing happened.  I felt so much better.  My backyard needs a lot of work and has shouldered a lot of neglect this year, but it didn't feel doomed.  And the thought that I would come back in a day or two and do a little bit more just energized me.

Emotions, just like Oklahoma weather, are bound to change if you give it a little time.  My habit is to tackle (or maybe endure) something full force and then when I stop, put it completely out of my mind until it becomes a fire again that forces itself onto me.  That approach is mere survival and is more like a spasm than anything and only reoccurs, usually worse. What I'm thinking today is that my emotional control is no different than weeds.  If I monitor my emotions regularly - not just when things seem out of control - I will find handling an out of control situation a lot easier.  I guess anything unhealthy or sinful is managed a lot easier when monitored regularly rather than only thought about in the heat of a tempting moment.

Little things and big things seem to morph into elephant size over night, in our heads at least.  Overwhelming tasks can quickly cause you to quit altogether because it all just seems too much to handle.  If we (I) would only recognize that the only way things get better is one step or bite at a time, real growth and improvement would be inevitable.

You might want to check your facts first!

Did you hear about the Dutch speed skater that got disqualified because a coach gave him wrong directions during the race? Can you even begin to imagine how the skater AND the coach must have felt, or I guess are still feeling? We saw a news clip on NBC about it last night and my jaw literally dropped!  It's such a sad thing, especially since he was CLEARLY the winner of the race.  How would you have handled it? Obviously the skater was upset and didn't welcome (publicly) any consoling, but he was on display for the world. That's a lot to take.

Dial it down a bit and place it into us little people's lives.  Have you ever had a friend (intentionally or not) completely mislead you or give you all the wrong information?  I can't think of an individual that has impacted me in this way, but my perceptions and my own emotions have, I think.  Whether it involves comparisons or maybe just what I think is right or justified, my feelings can run the show before I've even had (taken) the chance to see if they have a real leg to stand on.  For instance, there are some feelings that have carried over from my teenage years that were out right feminism and undermining my relationship with Randy.  If you had asked me before, 'Has feminism impacted you?', I would have said not at all.  But when I took the time to look at the emotions and then a second time, sure enough, I was a little bit of a man-hater and didn't even know it! :)

This coach, who from what I hear might be needing a job soon, reminded me how important it is to check and double check sometimes before we jump into anything.  Thankfully, my emotional decisions don't happen in front of the world and don't risk a gold medal.

What's the Point?

I've heard it most of my life from the pulpit and in late night chats. "We baptized dozens and where do they go? If everyone we baptized were still here, there wouldn't be enough room for everyone." And then a discussion about what's wrong with the world, the church, the christians, etc. ensues. I've been there in the middle of that conversation many times. Yet, here we are still witnessing this phenomenon in most areas and congregations. Evidently all of our talk hasn't produced much fruit, has it? I've had some things nagging me in the back of my mind lately having to do with why people struggle or leave and what it means to really help and be there for someone. Think of 3 people who are struggling or have left God completely. Why are they living like that? Do you have any idea? I think sometimes we truly don't have any clue, mostly b/c they are probably not like me. They don't respond like me, they don't talk like me or feel like me. So, its safer to just say they don't want to do what's right so they left or they sinned or gave up or whatever.

I'll tell you what I'm seeing and thinking. I think that, at least here in the midwest/south, there are emotional problems multiplying like cancer and are largely being neglected. Pain, anger, alienation, lack of skill, insecurity, you name it, people struggle with it constantly. The struggle is common to man, of course. But a spiritual family is designed to fill in those gaps and help heal the past. But how can any of that growth happen if no one is talking about it?

How aware are you of what kind of emotional struggles the family in the pew next to you have? How comfortable are you with asking your brothers and sisters how their struggles are effecting their emotions, relationships or habits? None of us want the entire world knowing our business, but we all need somebody. Often when serious problems arise, everyone is shocked and had no idea there was even a problem, and certainly not that bad. They never said anything or asked for help. They should ask for help, that's true. But when life is crumbling around you, that can be one of the hardest things to do.

I guess all I'm saying is that it makes sense that people flock to places and people that are genuinely interested in their lives - the good and the bad - and do their best to understand, even if they can't exactly help. If I or the group that I associate with am not creating an environment where people can lay their burdens down and be fed, what's the point?