Reacting to Reactions is Usually Reactive

There is a lot of life that is just someone reacting to someone else.  So many of my decisions or conclusions have been made reacting to something else.  For me, reacting is like breathing sometimes.  And yet just as I say that, I see entire institutions change directions or entire generations poisoned by over-reactive responses.

When someone else goes too far or even so little as to just make a mistake, it is so tempting and self-assuring to run in the other direction.  But usually, we go too far also.  Folks, that's how wars are started and sustained.  Certainly there are good reasons to run in an opposite direction, but unless those reasons are harmonized through facts AND emotions, the risk of doing more harm than good goes up exponentially.

Take weight gain for an example.  Let's say I start a work out regimen and counting calories.  After 2 weeks, the scale says I have gained 5 pounds.  A typical response might be to grow discouraged and, in order to lift my droopy spirits, eat a carton of ice cream.  Experiencing negative results to hard work is a good reason to be discouraged.  It's reasonable.  But eating an entire carton? Really?  To my emotions it felt not only justified, but exonerating even.  If, however, you ran through some facts first, you'll understand that it wasn't necessary or even a good idea.  New weight-loss efforts often cause a temporary build up of weight-gain before a large weight-loss.  The 5 extra pounds are likely exactly what I want to happen.  Furthermore, eating a carton of ice cream in no way makes my weight-loss efforts easier, but worse.

Unless we take the time to harmonize our emotions with rational facts, we're probably going to miss something major.  Even our physical body mimics this at times.  Eating poorly can affect our brain power and mood.  State of mind can impact the effectiveness of an exercise routine or even sleep.  There's often much more to a problem than we initially see.  A kids temper tantrum is rarely just about not getting one specific thing.  It's vital to take the extra time to give the entire issue balanced attention.  Like I may have mentioned before, if you're an overly emotional person, you NEED a highly rational friend that you consult with often.  If you are very logical and straightforward, it is healthy (especially for your other relationships) to spend quality time with a passionate person.

The perfection or completeness in Christ that we're supposed to strive for is a balance of many things.  The more we surround ourselves with balancing people, the easier that balance becomes.  Let's work on pausing before we react.  Pause long enough to consider what might be missing (some heart or some facts) in our reaction.  Whether you are 3 or 93, this can go a long way in ensuring a good life.

The Introvert Extrovert Conflict

For the majority of my adolescence, I assumed I was extroverted probably because my mom was and my subconscious just figured that was 'right'.  What I failed to notice was how introverted my dad was and how much more I identified with him on basic relationships with time and things.  As a result of my confusion, I've been made very aware of how often conflicts aren't really about what we're saying at the moment, but how we value and define elements in our life.

Take a few minutes and read through the definitions below. 

We all know that people are 'different', but how often do we think less of them, as though they don't really know how to live life well or the right way to act?  Or sometimes we assume others are choosing to be extroverted or introverted, and somehow place blame on another for not being conveniently like us.  

The easiest test of that I know is asking where a person gets their energy from.  For the typical extrovert, people soothe and energize them.  For the typical introvert, time alone (away from people) soothes and energizes them.  Our life is full of choices in behavior, but in where we obtain and lose energy, it seems to be a done deal largely set at birth.

What's the point?  The point is that these ideas are just a good illustrations of how differently we can be approaching something.  If I spend an entire weekend constantly with people - even if it's different people - I will be a zombie and the crankiness will be hard to contain come Sunday night.  Others (extroverts) forced to spend an entire weekend at home working by themselves will often find a similar scenario - deflated and grumpy - from a lack of interaction.  

Whether it's a spouse, your children, a group of friends or an organization, these differences can affect the dynamics very negatively if we don't keep some of this in mind.  It, of course, means there will need to be compromises, but just remember everyone needs to be energized sooner or later whatever that will take!

A Lesson in Disagreeing

Mr. Butler and I disagree a lot.  As I've said before, we're very different and that gets complicated.  But we like each other a lot too.  Sometimes I get very frustrated, demanding he agree with me or I feel utterly rejected.  And, just as a reminder, he's the safest place in the world for me.

Now think of a group of people - friends, your local congregation, colleagues at work, a class at school - and think about times anyone has disagreed with anyone else.  At their worst, things can get so ugly that there is separation, ridicule and some form of exile.  And I'm not talking at all about discipline situations. Do you dislike people because they disagree with you?  Do they dislike you because you disagree with them? 

I think a lot of people make an assumption, myself included, that is really wrong.  Disagreement doesn't have to mean or equal dislike.  I can say from first hand experience that sometimes it feels like you disagreeing with me is you disliking me, but that's not usually true.  At least not at first.  Most dislike comes when harsh words or flippant attitudes are thrown around and then concern for others flies out the window.

If you're like me and you've seen a lot of ugliness from people (myself included), it's hard to imagine what it's like for disagreements to be calm and productive.  But, I tell you they do exist and can be taught.  Mr. Butler is slowly teaching me, emphasis on slowly.  Let's just say it's very challenging to pull your emotions out of the game of disagreeing.  However, the foundation I'm trying to build on is that disagreement doesn't have to mean dislike.  I'll keep you posted! 

The Diamond in the Garbage

Sometime in the year 2004, in the Spring I think, I made a very bold statement to a very good friend.  Carisha Hullet asked me if I'd ever thought about dating a one, Randy Butler.  I quickly told her I had no desire to date him and most certainly would never marry him.  The following months provided lots of interesting events and if you ever want to know the story, just ask me.  It's probably my absolute favorite!  But for now, suffice it to say that I was convinced of what I wanted/needed and he wasn't it.  Clearly, I had no clue what I was doing!

How many times have you heard of or even experienced something like this: You start out with a clear plan (a career, place to live, type of person to love, way to believe) and due to any number of things, that plan gets changed for you.  You would never have planned it that way, yet when its all said and done, it couldn't have worked out better for what you needed.

I judged Randy and assumed that he would not be what I wanted or needed in a mate.  We judge others and assume their friendship is not valuable.  We assume that a change is going to bring all bad things.   We assume a move could be the worst thing that could happen.  And, yes their are some people who would be horrible mates.  Some friendships are not valuable. And some changes or moves do bring all bad things.  But here's my issue: Have you honestly considered, with facts and actually knowledge about the value of this choice or are we assuming too much?

I'm so thankful that God knew better than I and that I was allowed to spend so much time with Randy that when his interest wandered elsewhere, I was green with envy.  Had my emotions and assumptions not been changed, I wouldn't have had almost 5 years of marriage with the best guy in the world for me or a fabulous son who has brought us so much joy.  Consider the people, the choices, the opportunities that you are automatically throwing in the trash.  You just might find a diamond!