Great Distortions: Educating Expectations

About 10 years ago, my husband and I were excitedly planning our wedding and honeymoon when one of us stumbled on to some really great advice in a magazine.

Don’t expect that just because you are on this monumental vacation that the person you are normally is going to suddenly change.  A high activity person is still going to want to get out and do things and the slow paced person will still appreciate lying on the beach just reading a book.

The article’s intent was for the reader to consider the normal rhythms of life when choosing a destination and itinerary for your honeymoon to help counteract the unrealistic expectations that almost always accompany such a trip.  It was and is really good advice!  We are both slow paced personalities and so a cabin in the mountains was a great choice for us.  Naïve expectations creep in unannounced everywhere even when we’re looking for them.  10 years, 2 kids, 2 dogs, 2 houses and numerous trips later I can say with certainty that those expectations can ruin the best of us.  It is now becoming clear that the same rules apply to adventures in homeschooling. 

Our choice to homeschool is based on educational standards, traveling flexibility, and making our family a priority – all things we really believe in.  I may have all the principled reasons in the world, but that doesn’t change my introverted need for regular amounts of down time and privacy.  Like a young bride who is certain love is all she needs to survive, I must have assumed that because I was going to do this good thing in homeschooling that my basic rhythms wouldn’t matter.   It didn’t occur to me that my loathing of housework and laundry would be exacerbated by an increasing number of hours devoted to schooling.  It also didn’t fully register to me that, while I love my children fiercely, I would need (but not automatically receive) breaks from even the little people. 

Instead I envisioned the emotional fulfillment and maternal satisfaction I would receive from directing my children successfully.  I hung on to the thrill of teaching my own flesh how to read and write.  And, honestly, I have felt those wonderful things just like the newlywed and new parent has magical moments burned into their memory because it is everything you dreamed it would be.  But, as all perfect moments do, they pass and the other difficult moments begin to fill in the gaps.  The flesh begins to cry out in agony in spite of this really good thing we’re doing.

What do we do with all of the distorted expectations?   Educate, don’t eliminate.  Like the honeymoon article suggested, it’s important to back up and be honest about the rhythms of who we are.  I will never do well under a lot of pressure or thrive in chaos, but that just means I have to make time management a priority.  Then, let go of everyone else’s expectations that may have slipped in unannounced because your homeschool experience – much like your honeymoon – should honor who you and your family are.  Most of our friends are about to take a break from schooling for the summer, but long breaks don’t really work for us.  We school all year round, but take days/weeks off when we need it.  When our grand expectations look more like great distortions, remind yourself it is time for a deeper understanding of the family you’re working so hard to honor.

This was originally published at Homeschooling with Heart, The Old Schoolhouse Blog.
http://www.theoldschoolhouse.com/great-distortions-educating-expectations/

The Introvert Extrovert Conflict

For the majority of my adolescence, I assumed I was extroverted probably because my mom was and my subconscious just figured that was 'right'.  What I failed to notice was how introverted my dad was and how much more I identified with him on basic relationships with time and things.  As a result of my confusion, I've been made very aware of how often conflicts aren't really about what we're saying at the moment, but how we value and define elements in our life.

Take a few minutes and read through the definitions below. 

We all know that people are 'different', but how often do we think less of them, as though they don't really know how to live life well or the right way to act?  Or sometimes we assume others are choosing to be extroverted or introverted, and somehow place blame on another for not being conveniently like us.  

The easiest test of that I know is asking where a person gets their energy from.  For the typical extrovert, people soothe and energize them.  For the typical introvert, time alone (away from people) soothes and energizes them.  Our life is full of choices in behavior, but in where we obtain and lose energy, it seems to be a done deal largely set at birth.

What's the point?  The point is that these ideas are just a good illustrations of how differently we can be approaching something.  If I spend an entire weekend constantly with people - even if it's different people - I will be a zombie and the crankiness will be hard to contain come Sunday night.  Others (extroverts) forced to spend an entire weekend at home working by themselves will often find a similar scenario - deflated and grumpy - from a lack of interaction.  

Whether it's a spouse, your children, a group of friends or an organization, these differences can affect the dynamics very negatively if we don't keep some of this in mind.  It, of course, means there will need to be compromises, but just remember everyone needs to be energized sooner or later whatever that will take!