Don't Expect Life to Happen On Schedule

No matter your upbringing and influences, young adults have a timeline in their heads about when things should happen in their life.  Usually, it has something to do with what your parents did or what those around you are doing.  Truth be told, it shouldn't matter all that much.  But, oh how it matters in our hearts.  Career, marriage, success, kids, weight-loss, big purchases - the list just keeps going.  We put rich hopes and expectations on the future with only so much power to ensure them.

When I graduated high school, I had big plans, but more than anything I didn't want to be an old maid.  I wouldn't have admitted that, instead preached the opposite, but there's no point in denying it now.  I wouldn't get married until I was 26 and started having kids at 30, which in my social circles was older than most.  Since then it is closer to the millennial average, but still.  l have almost no friends that are my age (39) with a husband his age (4 1/2 years younger), and kids the age range of my kids 8, 5, and (almost) 2.  And it's fine.  I don't mean, it's fine but I'm super bitter.  I mean, it's got pros and cons and everything worked out fine fine.  It means that whenever I can get over my awkwardness, I have a lot in common with a lot of different type of people. When other moms (with older kids) can relax and chat, I have to run after a toddler, which is exhausting!  If I hadn't gotten married at 26, then I probably wouldn't have been marrying Mr. Butler and that comes with some pretty irreplaceable perks.  He carries all the heavy things and looks good doing it.  We can throw out calculus terms at the dinner table and impress our 8 year old together.  He builds me things, plants trees for me, loves to play with our kids, and wants to do what's right, even if he looks scary.  He's really not. :)  Whatever the complaints I could have about the timeline of my life thus far, they do not compare to the people that I get to spend my life with.  It's a no-brainer.



When you are young, there are so many influences that can push you in directions you don't need to go.  Trust me when I tell you that people are going to judge you  no matter what you do.  Marry young or old, no kids, a lot of kids, lose the weight, gain extra, work, stay at home, public, private, homeschool - I can do this all day.  The young, inexperienced and foolish people will judge you no. matter. what.  I have always worried about what other people think of me, but then I go off and do things different than most, so what did I expect? And then, I catch myself judging others the way I fear they are judging me! So, since being judged is a side effect of being human, then a fear of others' judgement should not make our life decisions for us.

Whenever you catch yourself criticizing the stage of life you are in and how it isn't lining up how it's 'supposed to,' remind yourself there is so much good right here, right now.  To bellow about where you aren't only prevents you from enjoying where you are.  I guarantee you that if you follow your imaginary timeline exactly, you will still be judged, disappointed and tempted to bellow about it.  Maybe you don't get into the program you want or you spend years in a relationship for it to only end.  Maybe you make choices with really tough life consequences.  It is so easy to give into the judgement and fears of not measuring up to anyone's expectations, especially your own.  But what good will that do?  It won't and you'll miss out on the really beautiful things that are yours no matter what.

Kids and Boundaries

Before I started school as a kid, I was a challenge to my parents.  Strong-willed is the term, I think.  I'm told that once I started school, everything calmed down for the most part.  30 years later, it is a common sentiment I've heard from other parents.  Kids, especially those strong-willed ones, do really well with clear boundaries and structure.  That's not some new revelation, but it has been a lesson that I have relearned over the past year.

The homeschooling lifestyle can be very structured of course, but it doesn't have to be.  The advantages can also be the difficulties.  We don't have to scramble out the door in the morning or wake babies up from their naps to go wait in the pick-up line.  When other things happen in our life and we don't complete something, we simply keep going or pick it up later.  If someone struggles in a subject, we take as long as we need to work it out.  The flexibility is amazing! But that also means there is a lot of flexibility which won't look like the well-laid out public classroom that awaits the arrival of children.  My kids, for better and worse, have seen the woman behind the curtain and know the truth.  Sometimes things are nicely organized and sometimes we do that together.

So, when we talk about kids needing boundaries and structure, it probably looks a little different in our household insomuch as there is a lot of bleeding over between the various aspects of our lives.  J isn't a classic strong-willed child so I have often reserved the iron-fist for miss Z.  However, the past year he and I have struggled with being more structured and efficient.  I tried to be and he fought me a lot.  "It's too hard." "I can't do it."  "Why do I have to?"  Hearing this day in and day out makes you start to doubt yourself.  Am I being too hard on him?  Maybe it really is hard and I'm just making it worse?  And then there are lots of days when I just don't want to fight about it all.  That motivates more things than I'm proud to admit.

Over the summer, I tried to better organize and de-clutter various areas of our home and life.  With that came a refreshed attitude and higher expectations for our school days.  J had demonstrated more than once that most things were not too hard.  The truth was that he didn't want to slow down and do them.  So, typical yes, but nothing to feel sorry for him about.  We've been on a better schedule the last few weeks and things are going a lot better.  I've stopped reacting to his dramatics and they have decreased.  He may complain or at least share his honest opinion of it, but he still proceeds to accomplish things in record time.

Most issues with kids involves two major factors: the kids issues and the parents issues.  When you are in the heat of it, it is so difficult to know the difference.  Sometimes children have real behavior or educational difficulties.  Sometimes parents just tolerate more than they should.  The wisdom is knowing the difference before it's too late.  My prayer this year is to recognize my weaknesses better so that they might not be confused with the needs of my children.

Who Is Stealing Your Success?

Success really does look different to different people.  Success even looks different from day to day sometimes.  Why do we forget that so easily?  I'm learning to manage three little people's lives as well as a list of other responsibilities.  There are moments when I feel compelled to justify a decision or circumstance because I'm afraid my real victory of the day - like slowing down long enough to cuddle with my three kids and capitalizing on their questions about heaven - isn't acceptable or doesn't seem like much.  Witnessing the bonding of my kids together is a beautiful victory, but why do I let a messy room or mismatched clothes steal the success in my mind?  

So, let me remind myself and you if you need it:  The expectations of others - and especially the PERCEIVED expectations of others - aren't valid until they align with God and your healthy conscience's standards.  Don't be motivated by the ambiguous THEM or PEOPLE.  Be motivated by sincerity and God's standard of love.  

Out of Nowhere: When Life Surprises Us But Really Shouldn't

I have often talked about how different Mr. Butler and I are.  We are still - after 10 1/2 years of marriage and a couple years more of friendship- finding ways we approach life drastically different. The Color Code is one of those personality profile methods that can help you understand yourself and others and this past year revisited what it says about us.  Mr. Butler is primarily a Red and I'm primarily a Blue - none of which is entirely a surprise.  What did strike me the other day was this chart that I ran across explained our struggles beautifully.  We are uncomfortable opposites who both tend to be controlling.  That ought to work well, huh? :)

I've mentioned before about how a year after Miss Z was born, my body pretty much collapsed in on itself and I spent the next 2 years having to build it back up with the most intentional living I'd ever done.  At the time, it felt like it came out of nowhere but the facts seemed to speak for themselves. The fall that I got pregnant with Miss Z, Mr. Butler went back to school for his master's degree in addition to his full-time job.  J was 2-3 years old, I was teaching piano regularly, and Mr. Butler's schedule meant he was usually away in the evenings 2-3 nights a week plus study time.  Once she was born things didn't slow down because I added another human being to the mix (which included nursing and lost sleep) and he didn't graduate until the time I collapsed.  The timing was poetic and ridiculous all at the same time.  The physical breakdown seemed random and unexpected, but the truth is that a body (my super sensitive body) could only take so much.

Sometimes when things happen in our life we are genuinely surprised.  We weren't expecting it and it just doesn't feel like it should be so.  This is often a pivotal moment.  The "it's not fair" routine could be bounding through the heart which leads to more unbridled emotion that likely won't help much.  The other direction involves asking important questions (like 'What circumstances could bring this about?') and be open to the possibility that our choices created this to some extent.  Mr. Butler and I didn't magically morph personalities after marriage.  We were always very different.  My body didn't just explode because it felt like it.  I had pushed it far too hard for far too long.  There are a lot of political opinions and discussions flying around that too easily end in horror at this or that opinion.  If you find yourself actually in a real conversation (and facebook doesn't usually count because people can't help but be ridiculous it seems!) about all of these things, take some time to ask questions like "What circumstances brought you to feel this way?"  Opinions and realities may not change from this, but relationships sure could be enhanced from a little more understanding.  Polarizing what is already polarized doesn't give us much.  Connecting the dots of how a person comes to embrace opposing ideals could give us quite a bit.

Marriage and the Tower of Babel

Marriage can be so hard.  J was recently studying the tower of Babel for school and it just reminded me so much of marriage some days.  Being in sync with your spouse is almost a magical feeling.  You're on the same page and headed in the same direction - such an enormous blessing for everyone involved, especially the kiddos.  But there are times when it is as if you've been struck like the people building the tower were and no matter what you try to communicate, it just seems to come out as gibberish to the other.  It can just be so hard.  Don't let that be discouraging if you hope to get married some day, but just make sure your expectations are realistic.  Even in your best hard reality flick, you don't see how much work has to go into every relationship that is worth its salt.  See those smiles down there?  They are real, but not long after the picture was taken the wind picked up and sand was flying everywhere.  I freaked out and thought he was crazy for wanting to stay any longer.  He LOVES adventure and I panic at new things.  Marriage can be really complicated.

Earlier this week, Mr. Butler and I found ourselves continuing to argue about things.  Arguments aren't unusual (we're polar opposites in so many ways) but not seeming to ever get resolved wasn't our norm.  After multiple attempts, the resolution was only achieved after realizing our entire issue was based on the different ways we were communicating things.  Don't you hate when that happens? :)  Sometimes we get into ruts where we just expect the person we're arguing with to be against us and not good-willed when really the language has gotten lost in translation somewhere.

It's December now and no matter who you are and what your life choices are, this will be one of your busiest and potentially most stressful months of the year.  Let's work on our language (and I'm not exactly talking about bad words) and bridging the gap between our frustrations and the appreciation we want others to feel.  It's easy to attack others for what we think they think about us, but simplifying our communication might just clear everything up and help us feel a whole lot better.

Great Distortions: Educating Expectations

About 10 years ago, my husband and I were excitedly planning our wedding and honeymoon when one of us stumbled on to some really great advice in a magazine.

Don’t expect that just because you are on this monumental vacation that the person you are normally is going to suddenly change.  A high activity person is still going to want to get out and do things and the slow paced person will still appreciate lying on the beach just reading a book.

The article’s intent was for the reader to consider the normal rhythms of life when choosing a destination and itinerary for your honeymoon to help counteract the unrealistic expectations that almost always accompany such a trip.  It was and is really good advice!  We are both slow paced personalities and so a cabin in the mountains was a great choice for us.  Naïve expectations creep in unannounced everywhere even when we’re looking for them.  10 years, 2 kids, 2 dogs, 2 houses and numerous trips later I can say with certainty that those expectations can ruin the best of us.  It is now becoming clear that the same rules apply to adventures in homeschooling. 

Our choice to homeschool is based on educational standards, traveling flexibility, and making our family a priority – all things we really believe in.  I may have all the principled reasons in the world, but that doesn’t change my introverted need for regular amounts of down time and privacy.  Like a young bride who is certain love is all she needs to survive, I must have assumed that because I was going to do this good thing in homeschooling that my basic rhythms wouldn’t matter.   It didn’t occur to me that my loathing of housework and laundry would be exacerbated by an increasing number of hours devoted to schooling.  It also didn’t fully register to me that, while I love my children fiercely, I would need (but not automatically receive) breaks from even the little people. 

Instead I envisioned the emotional fulfillment and maternal satisfaction I would receive from directing my children successfully.  I hung on to the thrill of teaching my own flesh how to read and write.  And, honestly, I have felt those wonderful things just like the newlywed and new parent has magical moments burned into their memory because it is everything you dreamed it would be.  But, as all perfect moments do, they pass and the other difficult moments begin to fill in the gaps.  The flesh begins to cry out in agony in spite of this really good thing we’re doing.

What do we do with all of the distorted expectations?   Educate, don’t eliminate.  Like the honeymoon article suggested, it’s important to back up and be honest about the rhythms of who we are.  I will never do well under a lot of pressure or thrive in chaos, but that just means I have to make time management a priority.  Then, let go of everyone else’s expectations that may have slipped in unannounced because your homeschool experience – much like your honeymoon – should honor who you and your family are.  Most of our friends are about to take a break from schooling for the summer, but long breaks don’t really work for us.  We school all year round, but take days/weeks off when we need it.  When our grand expectations look more like great distortions, remind yourself it is time for a deeper understanding of the family you’re working so hard to honor.

This was originally published at Homeschooling with Heart, The Old Schoolhouse Blog.
http://www.theoldschoolhouse.com/great-distortions-educating-expectations/

Change is Hard. Change Takes Time. Be Patient.

No matter the category of life, there's always more you could do, differing schools of thought and degrees of commitment.  Students get it from all sides.  If you make straight-A's then you likely have no life experience.  If you work all the time, you're just greedy and have no ambition.  As adults in the information age, we can't go a day without hearing about a new study, method or concept that will REVOLUTIONIZE your life (and other people may or may not judge you for whether or not you embrace it!).  It's overwhelming at best.

It's often easier to change when you don't feel overwhelmed and see change as something gradual.

I will easily admit that I'm surely a greater part of the problem than the solution.  I believe in things like natural childbirth, debt-free living, a relationship with Jesus Christ, alternative health, and the list goes on.  All of which have cultish followings and droves are looked down on for not embracing all aspects upon first exposure.  I have my opinions right along with the next guy.  Yet, here's what I think so much of our society is missing right now.

No matter how right or revolutionary something is, change very, very rarely happens (and sticks) over night.

There are exceptions but most of us are so busy and constrained with trying to staying functioning as households that changes (no matter how good) are hard to implement, certainly implement quickly.  As an opinionated person full of motivation for your convictions (that I applaud greatly), take some time to empathize with (feel for) everyone you find yourself judging for not jumping on your bandwagon right away.  I mean there are bandwagons I could preach to you for hours on how important they are for your family and future, but I have a hard enough time maintaining the few I've committed to myself!  Is it because I lack conviction or understanding?  Not really.  It's called life that comes with restrictions like time, budget, and opportunity.

I'm so thankful for a time in society where healthy living and alternative options are welcome topics of conversation in a lot of circles!  It's not always been so.   Instead of spreading an overwhelming sense of doom (unless everyone commits to your cause), start loving those around you as much as you love your new choices.  We all want to be better, but it's hard and it takes time.  Let's try to remember that the next time we roll our eyes at someone's "not what WE would do" choice.

"Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification." - Rom. 14:19

The Potential in Today

And a new day rises again. Isn't that the most wonderful thought? No matter what happened yesterday we are blessed with a brand new day!  Sometimes that can feel like a burden, especially if yesterday leaned more towards imaginary steps than baby steps, but it is important to recognize potential the way God does. Without His perspective, most of us I think would cut the entire world off at the knees, saying everything is impossible.  Just think about the number of people who have surprised you.  I've (falsely) judged people, never expecting anything good from them or assuming they would quit trying and just give up.  Sometimes I've even thought that they should give up.  Isn't that awful?  Well, whether its a person, a project or this brand new day, who are we to judge or limit its potential? 

As a teenager, I was NEVER an organized person and so, as an adult, discovering routines and schedules was like a life-preserver of sorts.  I hang on to them for dear life sometimes! The down side, though, has been getting off those schedules.  Being sick, waking up late, etc. pushes everything back and, instead of just rolling with it, I have a tendency to just give up on the day.  Sure, I can start over tomorrow, but simply because it's 9:30 and I haven't worked out yet isn't a sane reason to give up until tomorrow.  What is cool to me is when I start to give up on the day, somehow bypass it (through the power of God) and start accomplishing anyway and what do ya know? My day wasn't a failure after all!

Fridays are happy days anyway, so it will be an easy starting point to look for God's potential in our day.  The key for me anyway is to be purposeful about it.  If I don't intend to look for the potential, it's a sure bet I won't find it on accident!   So, moral of today: Look for the awesome potential in today!

It's a new day and I'm feeling good! 

This isn't a Vacuum

Nowadays, we hear about scientific studies as often as we hear the weather report and everyday it seems like "they" are recommending something new.  As a new parent, you are extra aware of such things because everyone shares their 'knowledge'.  Everything from what we eat, how we medicate, how we parent to weight-loss, relationships and finance - no matter what subject we're talking about, it's probably been studied and there are probably conclusions somewhere telling us how to live.

The trouble is, we don't live in a vacuum like many of the test subjects we hear about in the evening news. Now, I'm not knocking research because we all know that much is still being gained by some of the work being done.  My concern is how we adapt to or apply this information.  Too often we hear a one liner like, "Experts now say that balancing an apple on your nose for 3 minutes before bed can reduce your risk of dying from a dog bite" and then start working on balancing apples, expecting vicious dogs to flee rapidly.  This is a silly example (on purpose), but we do this so much.

In our daily lives their are so many factors at play, that narrowing things down to a one-liner is just not reasonable.  There are so many things that experts cannot account for or anticipate that what they should really say, "In a boring, perfect world, experts now say...  Think about all of those drug commercials - that's why the disclaimer is longer than the commercial half the time.  Only under specific circumstances will this thing work.

Here's what I'm really getting at: How are your expectations of others or of circumstances driving you and your actions?  Don't we expect others to be perfect and when they aren't we judge, maybe belittle (even if only in our mind), and label them as a lost cause for good? And sure, in an ideal world where children behave perfectly, traffic is never a nuisance and self-esteem is never a problem, then this person should behave 'perfectly'.  But leaders still have arguments with their spouses, injuries still happen, and moms get tired of saying no, even when it is for the child's best interest.  We don't live in a vacuum where this one idea or issue never is influenced by anything else in our life.  People do get their feelings hurt and overreact.  Stress often weakens good judgement.  And everything you hear isn't necessarily true.

Happy August, where school begins anew, summer extends its stay and we're one month closer to the end of 2011.  This week think about your expectations of others and then apply that standard to yourself to see if you can live up to it.  If not, maybe we should work a little bit harder to help rather than criticize. 

Expectations Are Killing Us

How much do any kind of expectations influence or, in some cases, control your decisions in life?  It's easy to say, "You're not the boss of me. I do what I want!"  But it's as though we're confused. We do what WE want when it comes to honor, respect and good deeds and then blindly perform when it comes to social custom, media assumptions or false entitlements.  We can (mentally) spit in the face of someone 'suggesting' we do something good (like singing at a nursing home, visiting the sick, etc.) but we let society's standards shove us around. 

No matter what stage of life you're in, there are false ideas forging false expectations in our minds.  As a child, princesses and superheroes - both fantasy that while not necessarily bad they shape unrealistic expectations that are indistinguishable by impressionable minds.  Teenagers - false expectations about the opposite sex, sex in general, and what 'freedom' looks like.  (Young) Adults - school, marriage, cars, body image, working - what is necessary and when is it mandatory - false expectations swirl around it all, often leading to fouled up circumstances.  We haven't even discussed consumerism - the things we're convinced we need to buy - deserve to buy.  And that is a continual influence from childhood on.  All of this can create trouble. Trouble in finances, when you deserve more than you can afford.  In marriage (one of my greatest struggles), when you expect your spouse's words and actions to be like something out of a movie.  What we look like - we're obsessed  with it and know better but if we're not like the cover of a magazine, we're going to worry, self-hate and starve until we do. At work, when working hard feels like something you should celebrated for every day and if you're not maybe you'll just quit.  I could go on and on.

It's frightening to me how many arguments I've gotten into or bad decisions I've made because of some fake scenario or expectation to be 'like everyone else' that usually completely ignored reality and wisdom.  And I've done it all. I've gone shopping to 'make myself feel better' when I didn't have the money and whatever I bought didn't change the reasons I was feeling bad in the first place.  I've compiled all romantic relationships from all the movies I've seen and then built up the most suitable for myself, expected grand things from Randy (while not really informing him) and leaving him doomed to fail, disappoint me and not be very happy.  No matter what weight I've been, I've always hovered around discontent bordering on self-loathing, assuming the rest of the world is laughing at me.  Last but not least, I've gotten out of hard work lots of times. And when I decide (or am forced) to work really really hard and then I don't get a huge pat on the back or reward, I'm upset, throwing a pity party. 

Some things are human nature, sure.  We compare.  Keeps us honest, maybe.  But much of this is a direct result of American society.  I'm thankful - oh so thankful - for the freedom and little to no persecution we experience here.  But America's gifts aren't all good.  I don't have the answer (if you do, please share!), but look a little closer at why you expect things, out of yourself and those you love.  There's a good chance, sooner or later, that you've been lied to.

Getting What You Ask For

Happy November!  I love this time of year! Not everyone does, I know, but you have to admit there are several really great things about November.  Changing leaves are beautiful and fun to hear crunch when you walk.  Even if you don't like the cold, a break from the heat is nice.  And Thanksgiving! I think that says enough, don't you? :)

Along the lines of thankfulness and appreciating what you've been given, how often do you get exactly what you ask for?  In my own life, I think I get exactly what I ask for more than I realize.  Don't our desires and expectations for something often stay buried and our actually asking, of God or others, produces the polite things to say?  And who is to say that's wrong a lot of times?  We live in a world of too many wants that are extreme or unnecessary.  But, I was thinking about some of the blessings in my life that I really appreciate right now (like a husband who will do 2 weeks worth of grocery shopping, make dinner, dessert and clean up) and it occurred to me.  Many of those things I asked for.  Many of the things that have disappointed or been mediocre were in fact exactly what I asked for also.

I'm told my grandmother used to say that "If all you want is to get married, ANYBODY can get married."  As teenagers and single adults, or at least the female ones, this is a topic that comes up over and over. And I've known people who 'just wanted to get married' and when they did, all they got was a husband.  Not love, not companionship, but just another set of problems.  My point isn't about marriage as much as it is clarifying what our desires really are and making sure to ask accordingly.  Do we limit each other and God by only asking for surface things?  Not that I realized what I was doing at the time, but as a young girl and beyond, I always prayed for a genuine love in a husband.  I despised fake things and if it was going to be halfway or empty, I didn't want it. And growing, I always wanted to grow (again, didn't know what kind of a load I was asking for, ha!) and not just live life on the surface.  With the included thorns and all, I can say I've been blessed with exactly what I asked for.  Though, honestly I didn't plan or welcome those thorns.

Sometimes we ask for the best, only to be disappointed in what it takes to receive the best.  Sometimes we ask for mediocrity, only to be disappointed in the quality of our gift.  In both cases, though, we get what we ask for.  Neither is to be despised, but appreciated for what they are - exactly what we requested.  I guess in my brain sometimes there is a disconnect between what my heart is thinking and what actually makes it to my lips.  My body assumes the two are connected so if an idea is present in one, it should automatically be in the other. The trouble is, they rarely are.

The lesson I need to learn:
If I want more, ask for it.  Then expect to work for it.
If I don't want to ask for more/work for it, don't be disappointed when it isn't lavished upon me.