A Mindful December: Being Willing To Fail

"Well, I'd rather fail at work than at home."  This was said by a contestant on a baking show who had just made a major mistake on the current challenge.  It was such a random and unexpected place to hear such profound wisdom, but it immediately rang in my ears and for days after. 

Nobody is super okay with failing so the statement above isn't a common thought in our society.  It is obvious to see that so many of us choose work over home simply by looking at all of the failed marriages and disconnected families everywhere.  Even for those of us who are committed to our families, it is so easy to give the best of ourselves to tasks and other people in the name of stress and urgency.  And it's the same whether you are home all day or work long hours away.  By the time we get face to face with our people, aren't we tired and drained from dealing with all the other stuff?  

When we started December, I knew that we needed to be more mindful of each other and of the important things.  I started Mindful December to re-energize us with a purpose.  Mr. Butler had been really feeling stressed, I was getting cranky and the kids were getting stuck in the whirl-wind.  And in the most important way, it was a success!  Mr. Butler and I had a chance to really communicate and invest in each other, things we needed to be better in life.  The kids, of course, follow suit and find their sweet spot as well.  What wasn't a success was my writing about it. There was a lot going on that first week and then we left for a week-long trip. Since we have come home, all the holiday preparations are in full force.  Sometimes there's only so much room in my brain.  So in a small way, I've failed at work in order to succeed at home.

The overarching theme of this blog is balance.  I easily get stuck and need to be balanced all the time.  I don't mean to imply that you have to fail at work in order to succeed at home or even that you can't be successful in both.  I just think we need to be willing to entertain the notion sometimes.  As parents, especially us mothers, we are all really trying to do it all even though we KNOW we can't do it all all the time. I needed to be a gentler kinder person to my husband and he needed more kindness and gentleness in his life.  Without focusing on that for a while, the stabilization of our marriage probably wouldn't have happened and instead our stressed out state could have undermined everything else we are trying to do in our life.

With work usually being such a public thing (business, reputation, etc.), the urgency to succeed can ramp up way higher than family success.  The love of our family by nature seems flexible and constant therefore easily put off until work is settled.  And sometimes it must be so.  But the feeling you get when someone chooses to put your needs above all other demands is incredibly powerful and healing.  Balancing this multi-faceted life is very hard, but genuine security and committed love is worth risking some much less important work here and there.

Socially Expected Does Not Necessarily Mean Important

Our culture in America right now puts a lot of pressure on moms, in spite of all the pushback from real life. The list of unspoken rules that signify being a “good mom” are endless, yet viciously wounding. If you polled 100 moms today, I expect the majority would produce quite a few things that are keeping them from “good mom” status. I’m really bad at sending out thank you notes and annual cards, Christmas or otherwise. I get stressed out far too easily. And that’s just for starters. Every time I fall short of society’s (albeit unrealistic) expectations, the critical commentary starts up in my head and it is so hard not to lose sight of the truth. The truth that parenting, homemaking, and educating are imperfect processes, performed by imperfect people, none of whom are systematically lined out before us, awaiting a mere nod of approval in order to fulfill all roles appropriately. Success is messy, hard and, likely, not what we expected.

There isn’t one of us who can “do all the things” without something suffering. That has been the case, since the dawn of time. The curse of our generation is that we are made aware of all the other things “everyone else” is doing in real time, and scrolling through the newsfeed begins to combine everyone else’s lives into one big perfect pot that we foolishly compare our life to.

As parents, and especially in our choice to homeschool, we certainly want to give our children lasting gifts, independent skills and powerful memories, to pull from their entire life, even after we’re gone. That desire is what makes us so susceptible to social media’s false judgments. We start thinking that fulfilling that list of socially-expected things is going to mean we are doing all the important things right, too. If you take the right pictures, clean your house just so and carve the perfect body size, does that mean you are a good person? If your kid wears the most expensive clothes and always makes the team, will that ensure he is kind and merciful? If you always have the cutest pictures of you and your spouse, always celebrate anniversaries in style and go to all the right parties, does that prove that you are in a loving, fulfilling and respectful marriage? No, not in a million years!

There is so much to get distracted by, both good and bad, but we need to double-check who we are letting judge what matters. Someone else’s to-do list may never give us the harvest we seek. Decide what you need to do to please the Lord in your marriage, your children’s education and your home. After that, whatever anyone else is doing does not get to be your standard without your permission.

This post was originally published by Homeschooling with Heart Blog from The Old Schoolhouse.

Purpose In The Pain

I think every homeschool parent hesitates—at least in the beginning—to share their children’s academic difficulties for fear of being judged and told they should quit. Of course, we want our kids to do well for their own sake, but when a parent invests so much of themselves into this adventure and lifestyle, we can get self-conscious about swimming upstream. The last thing we need is someone in our ear suggesting it’s been a good run, but now its time to stop kidding ourselves. For the next time you are tempted to give in to the peer pressure that shouldn’t matter (but for some reason today really does), let me encourage you to use the struggles to teach your family a greater lesson. No matter what we’re talking about, when we look at life with wisdom and perspective, there is a purpose in the pain and struggles.

The other night I was trying to explain what I was upset about to my husband but was unsuccessful and not handling it well. Suddenly, the parallel to my daughter’s behavior earlier in the day was blatantly obvious. The struggle that she and I have in dealing with each other (because of our fiery similarities) is what I’ve heard many parents give as the reason they could never homeschool. But that same struggle is what teaches me to be a better mother to her and teaches me how I have to grow. When we are successful at resolving these explosions of emotion or headstrong gridlock, we are becoming more like Christ and gaining skills for life!

As a society that has championed the instantaneous and speed, we just give up too soon. The message that if it doesn’t work out right away, then it probably never will is given through the culture’s attitude toward relationships, toward physical labor, and general health. When it takes work we are more inclined to try for something easier. What a tragedy when we miss the huge blessing and success that could be ours with just a different perspective.

The boy whose father failed him can break the cycle with children of his own. Any academic struggle can bring forth a work ethic that doesn’t come when things are learned with ease. A tragedy can teach coping and genuine empathy in the future. Financial struggles can bring generosity and charity when things have turned around. Any time we find ourselves blocked somehow in teaching our children—butting heads because of personalities, a genuine learning difficulty, or just trying to spark curiosity where there is none—it is a huge opportunity to accomplish something great. The successes in life are where we work through a struggle.

It isn’t the seven-foot-tall guy who happens to be good at basketball that we’re impressed by or the child born into wealth affording college that we say is special. It’s the person born with a physical difficulty who goes on to the Olympics or the great orator who began with a terrible stutter. Overcoming the struggles is what makes us great!

 This post was originally published by Homeschooling With Heart Blog from The Old Schoolhouse.

Who Is Stealing Your Success?

Success really does look different to different people.  Success even looks different from day to day sometimes.  Why do we forget that so easily?  I'm learning to manage three little people's lives as well as a list of other responsibilities.  There are moments when I feel compelled to justify a decision or circumstance because I'm afraid my real victory of the day - like slowing down long enough to cuddle with my three kids and capitalizing on their questions about heaven - isn't acceptable or doesn't seem like much.  Witnessing the bonding of my kids together is a beautiful victory, but why do I let a messy room or mismatched clothes steal the success in my mind?  

So, let me remind myself and you if you need it:  The expectations of others - and especially the PERCEIVED expectations of others - aren't valid until they align with God and your healthy conscience's standards.  Don't be motivated by the ambiguous THEM or PEOPLE.  Be motivated by sincerity and God's standard of love.  

Word of the Day: Effective

Effective adjective
1 successful in producing a desired or intended result.
Sometimes Mr. Butler hurts my feelings.  Maybe he wasn't listening to me or made light of something really important to me.  Often, in response to my hurt feelings, I get very disgruntled with him, build with resentment, ignore him and usually that results in an explosion of feelings at some point.  Why would I do that?  Well, to be honest, because I am MAD and it feels appropriate.  Never mind that it is disrespectful, unChristlike and not effective towards what I am really wanting - understanding, love and resolution.  It's those pesky feelings that are dictating (yet again) the state of my relationship.  

This is just one situation that was relevant to my weekend, but how many other things are we doing and saying that are not, at all, getting the desired result.  Think of a parenting issue - is how you're handling something being effective?  If not, why are you continuing?  In business, finances, school studies, any relationship - you name it - it is so important to question everything to ensure it is effective.  A lot of things seem right, but when put in practice they don't change a thing.  This can be especially difficult when what seems right has been done for years, but just because something has been done for years a certain way still doesn't make it effective.
In most things, if we're not being effective we're wasting our time and energy.  Take some time this week to take inventory of the things that are working really well and then those that aren't.  How can we be more effective?

The Power of Success & Change

Nothing changes your opinion of a friend so surely as success - yours or his.

Franklin P. Jones, Saturday Evening Post, November 29, 1953

School is in session for many by now, with lots of first days being extra special - Kindergarten, High School, & College.  These are often the very beginnings of things really changing in and around them.  We start to look at ourselves and others in a new light.  And special days like that don't stop happening just because you finish school either.  New jobs, promotions, new houses, weight-loss, new relationships - all these kinds of things significantly change our lives.  But how do they change our friendships and our opinions of other people?

I know we don't like to admit it much, but it is very hard to not compare yourself to people around you.  So, if you're like me, you do it.  You shouldn't and on good days you try not to, but you still feel intimidated around the better looking people and relaxed around those who haven't quite got it as together as you do, right? Since it happens so easily and it can usually be hidden from the rest of the world, it's natural to rationalize that the split-second comparison isn't hurting anyone.  

What happens when you or someone else, a friend, experiences one of the things listed above?  Doesn't that shift the balances a bit in your comparing?  Now, someone is making MORE money than you or now you lost a lot of weight and look BETTER than them.  Or the one that hit me the hardest when I was single was when a friend (or perhaps half a dozen!) would find a boyfriend and be married before I could say the word jealous.  Regardless of the end of the spectrum you're on, this phenomenon starts to put distance between you and this friend. Success in our lives has the potential to change us and our relationships.

So, what? If you struggle with this like I do, then we need to face a few facts.  If we are taking comfort in being better than someone or resenting someone else being better, we're not loving them.  Plain and simple.  Besides the fact that we're supposed to love even our enemies as Christians, when we call someone a friend that should mean something far greater than 'liking' a few of their pictures on facebook and putting on a fake smile to hide your judgement or resentment.  

I have a difficult time communicating with those that I care about, especially when it isn't in writing, just ask my husband! And I use others as rulers all the time! So, I am especially talking to myself today.  I suspect that when I purposely engage these friendships and invest a little bit more, instead of just viewing from afar and deciding who is better, I'll find my resentment or judgement will dissolve into care and concern.  Changes and success are everywhere and friendships often get the boot first.  What are some ways that you care for friends, even when you don't have much time to invest?

On a different note, there have been a few changes (for the better I hope) around here and if you have any questions or suggestions, please let me know! Also, this website now has a facebook page where I will be sharing more relevant thoughts, tips and links.  My hope is to separate my personal facebook a bit more than it has been in the past.  So, if you'd like to stay up with my writing and ideas, like Finding the Write Balance on facebook.