Socially Expected Does Not Necessarily Mean Important

Our culture in America right now puts a lot of pressure on moms, in spite of all the pushback from real life. The list of unspoken rules that signify being a “good mom” are endless, yet viciously wounding. If you polled 100 moms today, I expect the majority would produce quite a few things that are keeping them from “good mom” status. I’m really bad at sending out thank you notes and annual cards, Christmas or otherwise. I get stressed out far too easily. And that’s just for starters. Every time I fall short of society’s (albeit unrealistic) expectations, the critical commentary starts up in my head and it is so hard not to lose sight of the truth. The truth that parenting, homemaking, and educating are imperfect processes, performed by imperfect people, none of whom are systematically lined out before us, awaiting a mere nod of approval in order to fulfill all roles appropriately. Success is messy, hard and, likely, not what we expected.

There isn’t one of us who can “do all the things” without something suffering. That has been the case, since the dawn of time. The curse of our generation is that we are made aware of all the other things “everyone else” is doing in real time, and scrolling through the newsfeed begins to combine everyone else’s lives into one big perfect pot that we foolishly compare our life to.

As parents, and especially in our choice to homeschool, we certainly want to give our children lasting gifts, independent skills and powerful memories, to pull from their entire life, even after we’re gone. That desire is what makes us so susceptible to social media’s false judgments. We start thinking that fulfilling that list of socially-expected things is going to mean we are doing all the important things right, too. If you take the right pictures, clean your house just so and carve the perfect body size, does that mean you are a good person? If your kid wears the most expensive clothes and always makes the team, will that ensure he is kind and merciful? If you always have the cutest pictures of you and your spouse, always celebrate anniversaries in style and go to all the right parties, does that prove that you are in a loving, fulfilling and respectful marriage? No, not in a million years!

There is so much to get distracted by, both good and bad, but we need to double-check who we are letting judge what matters. Someone else’s to-do list may never give us the harvest we seek. Decide what you need to do to please the Lord in your marriage, your children’s education and your home. After that, whatever anyone else is doing does not get to be your standard without your permission.

This post was originally published by Homeschooling with Heart Blog from The Old Schoolhouse.

When Learning Happens

As new homeowners in Oklahoma are inclined to do, we had a storm shelter installed in our back yard this week.  My husband took  the day off to monitor things and he and my son sat watching the entire process from beginning to end (about two hours).  As boring as it might sound, the excitement and captivation on both of their faces was unmistakable.  And of course it gave many opportunities for my husband (the engineer) to teach my 5 year old about a backhoe, displacement, weather and balance.  Learning was happening and I had some time to go organize the game cabinets.  Winning all the way around!Sometimes it is easy to forget that learning doesn’t only happen in a classroom between the hours of 8 AM and 3 PM.  When DOES learning happen?  Is it during a teacher’s explanation of a new concept?  Is it while you are outside staring at a world housed underneath a rock?  Is it while writing your first apology?  Yes, yes and yes!   With any situation where new information is presented learning is possible with an engaged mind.  But yet as a mom who chooses to homeschool and dictate the rhythm of our days, I catch myself feeling guilty or doubting the legitimacy of my choice.  Why?  Is it because I don’t have the knowledge to do the job? Nope. Between too many years of schooling in both of his parents, the library and google, we have access to all the knowledge we need.  Is it because my son isn’t learning or severely behind?  Nope.  According to public school rules, he wouldn’t start kindergarten until this fall and he was ready for 1st grade curriculum in January.   Is it because my son’s education schedule doesn’t look like everyone else’s? Yeah, that might be it.As a public-schooled homeschooler, some days I find it hard to view education in ways other than a classroom.  Our choice to homeschool is partially motivated by the promise of creating a different educational environment that is tailored to our family’s needs and intents, but suddenly there I am worried about all the things that aren’t just like a standard classroom!  The yellow bus, cafeteria, one-recess school day is reinforced through media, culture, and majority expectation so it’s not a surprise that I’m constantly measuring our experiences next to this iconic image in my mind.  What’s funny, though, is that even in the best classrooms around the world, there will be millions of differences in no small part due to the needs of that teacher and those particular children -which reinforces why I love having the option to homeschool in the first place!  Some days we need to be reminded of why we walked down this path to begin with.  My goal as a teacher and parent is to prepare my kids with everything they need to master required skills, whatever they may choose to pursue in life and ultimately glorify God with it all.
These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts.  Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. –Deuteronomy 6:6-7
Just as the spiritual training of our family should happen everywhere, an academic education can imitate that design beautifully, even while watching a machine dig a hole in your back yard!

This was originally published at  Homeschooling with Heart, The Old Schoolhouse Blog.

3 Things I'm Learning About Learning

Since I recently started reviewing for the Schoolhouse Review Crew - which is a great privilege and a lot of fun - my community of homeschooling families has grown and taught me or reinforced a few things.

1) The education of a child is so much more than learning a skill or being exposed to certain things.  No matter the location - home, private or public - successfully educating a child requires knowing them, supporting them, and connecting with their unique talents and tendencies.  As a parent, this means that I will always have the most important job as their biggest advocate.  When I think about my kids' futures, I want to see adults who love God, but also have self-control, an appreciation for mankind and nature, a hard work ethic, and the ingenuity to problem solve without giving up after the first try.  Yes, that training will include math problems and science experiments, but more so it requires a continual relationship where we live life together in all types of life situations.  If homeschooling isn't on your horizon, this means your job as advocate is even more important.  I'm convicted that we have such power as parents but we so easily forget or fail to honor it.

2) No family has the same needs, limitations, strengths, funds, opportunities, joys, struggles or anything the same.  Try as we might, there just isn't a fair comparison out there.  Temperaments are different.  Health issues are different.  People are just different.  That means the how, when, what and why we learn is different too!  And we cause a lot of trouble (for ourselves AND others) when we expect things based on being the same.  Because we just aren't.  The sooner we can accept that (of ourselves and others), we can have better relationships and make wiser decisions for our families.

3) Learning is FUN!  If we aren't experiencing fun as we learn, then somewhere something isn't right.  The most important skill we can learn is the ability to learn and the LOVE of learning.  While every assignment or task may not be the most fun ever, when you love to learn, there is fun in every day.

Judge You, Judge Me

I hope you're not like me.  I really, really do.  Unfortunately, even if you're not like me, you certainly know someone like me.  What am I like? Well, I judge.  I judge you and I judge me.  Mostly I judge you because I think you're judging me.  And then I start judging me the way I think you are judging me.  Before you know it, you and I have had such a judging debate that we may no longer speak after today.  You attacked me with your judgey ways and it really hurt my feelings.  Then I had to explain all of the reasons that I'm not as good as you expect me to be and even some of the reasons I think your expectations are unreasonable and silly.  I'm sure you didn't like that, but we had to keep going round and round until my brain got interrupted by a real live person.

How much of your day is filled with things that you do because you don't want someone to think less of you?  I'm not referring to things that you would do whether anyone saw or not - like hygiene matters or an OCD methodology.  I'm talking about responses in a conversation that have nothing to do with what's ACTUALLY been said.  I'm talking about weeds in a garden that you don't have time to tend to - but feel compelled because someone might think...might think... might think what?  That you're busy and prioritized your children, your spiritual life and things INSIDE your house first over your flower beds?  Well, yeah I guess.  But that's exactly what I am doing.  I know that people are more important than things.  I know that life is fluid and you must be flexible to ultimately succeed and flourish.  But I get tripped up so badly in trying to please the proverbial committee or at least to keep the you in my head to not judge me.

So, I've made a resolution of sorts today.  You are going to judge me from time to time.  Actually, I'll even give you a heads start.  I hate housework and think our obsession with it is unhealthy.  Yes, every family deserves order and cleanliness, but it's not going to happen every day, in every way, or even the same way.  So, pay more attention to people.  I hate deadlines and pressure.  More specifically my body freezes up and panics. (Don't ask me how taking piano lessons again is going, ha!)  I like slow paces and get resentful when I'm rushed.  And I don't like being told what to do, especially when you've not taken the time to get to know me or even begun to understand what is best for me.  Yes, I have a submission problem, but I'm working on it.  I've got lots of things to be judged about.

My resolution is this: It is not my job, my position or even in my power to control or heavily influence how/where/when/if you judge me or anyone else.  The most I should be doing is consulting what God thinks about things instead.  I will let go of what I THINK others are thinking and instead make as wise a choice I can unless a real life person comes along to question me.

Whew! See, you don't want to be like me - it's exhausting.  But you can know this much, I'm too busy arguing with you in my head to actually be judging the real life you so rest at ease my friends! ha! :)

Tips for a Balanced School Year

'Tis the season for new beginnings at school and it can be hard to find balance in the midst of sometimes chaotic and stressful happenings.  These are important and special times that won't flourish without care and focus.  Here are some tips to help you and yours stay on track.

-Start your day with a prayer.  My days spin out of balance so quickly, especially when things don't go the way I want. And since we can't deny that happens every day, the best defense is beginning the day asking God to be a part of it.  Instead of staying out of balance, God will use any event to show us more of Him.  That somehow balances out beautifully!

-Require hard work and then plan for fun!  Follow through is a big issue for me so requiring the hard work is a MUST.  Non-negotiable, no questions asked, necessity! But also, to keep that motivation up, fun and reward has to be strategically placed as well.  Commit to balancing your work and play this year!

-Quit comparing! Stop comparing yourself, your friends, your family, your anything.  Take stock of where you're at and where you want to be.  Figure out ways to get there and then don't worry about anyone else.  This is often so hard when it comes to our kids.  Help them stay focused on what they are capable of and remind them how important they are - not everyone else - to you.

-Grow a plant. Yeah, I said a plant.  Staying balanced requires a lot of maintenance.  Deciding to grow a plant - and actually sticking with it - is a beautiful symbol of growing in our life.  If you neglect it, it will die.  You can't give it all the water it will need forever the first day.  And you can't put off caring for it until a day before its dying and expect great results.  With daily attention, shifting and accommodating new needs, life brings joy and peace.  If your family needs a focal point, a coming together for the new year and new goals, caring for a plant together could be a fun and meaningful project!

Someone Else's Middle

As a parent, we are constantly asked to compare our kids to a standard, to the national average, even to each other!  There's not a week that goes by, I'm sure, that we don't wonder if our child is "where they're supposed to be" and up to par with other kids their age.  So, the concern is healthy and normal because if there is something wrong we want to and need to know about it.

The problem is when there really isn't a problem and yet we're pushing and worrying because we noticed someone else's kid performing a task our child hasn't even thought of yet.  I try not to be that parent.  Really I do, but that doesn't mean I don't notice things.  We got a hand-me-down train table a few months ago for Jude to go along with a new train set.  He was super excited about it at first, but as things went, he just didn't seem to know what to do with it.  I tried not to worry and hoped he'd get the hang of it.  Last week, before he had even eaten breakfast (which if you know him, you know he must be super excited), he was telling stories about the engines, putting tracks together and occupied for sooo long!

Yes, I guess, be excited that he's developing, but my point really is that so much happens on its own as long as the right elements are available.  Food, sleep, nutrients, attention, touch, love, time are all key elements that can inhibit development when they are lacking.  So, yes, in that way there is work that HAS to go into every child for sure.  But in the realm of 'first world problems', some of us get way too hung up on all the milestones and "how to prepare your child for X".  Give them plenty of opportunities to play with other kids, read to them like crazy, and play, PLAY, PLAY.

I'm continually surprised at children's development when you allow them to work at their own pace.  And, yes, though our society doesn't really practice it, that goes for adults too.  Instead of comparing yourself or someone else to where they should  be, highlight where they are beginning!  Encourage.  Demonstrate.  Give it some time. And then let people explore.  Who knows where we'd be if we just listened to everyone's natural pace.  

Your Stroll is my Race

Have you ever witnessed somebody breeze through something in a few moments that you struggle for hours to get right?  It's daunting and frustrating.  Have you ever experienced (you or a child) racing through a subject at school with ease and/or not grasping something until months (sometimes years) later than the norm?

We all have a habit of assuming that most people don't struggle with those kind of inequalities.  We assume that it's just us or our kids, not most families.  As a piano teacher, I'm blessed with the opportunity in some cases to teach siblings.  In case you're not accustomed to the differences in family members, they are consistently inconsistent! What's easy as breathing for one, is a foreign language for another.

I'm the mother of an almost 2 year old who has lots of cousins and friends near his age.  Comparing skills is second nature, sometimes out of fun, sometimes out of fear that our child is behind.  But there is a very clear point that we are not getting as a society and often not practicing as parents and teachers.  Everyone - EVERYONE - has their own pace when it comes to learning and developing.  When we treat (panic, rush, demean) each other (especially kids) as though they've missed the boat on something, we miss the point of learning.

My son is not interested in colors and says everything is green (which is a mighty fine color).  In some circles that might be cause for heavy concern.  But I know that my son is developing weekly - more words, more signs (ASL), and more complex concepts.  And he's got a great arm! I trust that he'll get there eventually, so what's the emergency?  It's so easy to get hung up on milestones and skill levels and ignore the full picture of someone's development.

Everyone is going to have weaknesses and strengths.  If you give a child the message that their weakness makes them abnormal or wrong, then that could affect their approach to learning.  We all have to work harder at some things.  Sometimes your stroll (through algebra or public speaking) is my race.  The sooner we accept those realities, the sooner we can focus on how we are developing as a person, not just at a skill level.

Both Sides of the Bandwagon

Have you ever had a paradigm shift?  An Aha! moment?  Been convicted by a cause or a need?  Aren't they wonderful? A new realization that you've been missing all this time!  A calling for your life or a new direction to choose with passion!  That's great!  Becoming so passionate and so convicted that you began telling everyone you know about it?  That's great too!

But fast forward just a bit.  Have you encountered friends and family that are supportive, but otherwise unaffected?  Have you grown frustrated and possibly angry with them for not seeing this as life changing as you are?  Or worse, they don't get it at all and are now avoiding you.  And then in walks the judgement, the superiority and maybe pity for not being at your level.

We've all been there.  Sometimes, as it turns out, we are right about it all.  Sometimes, though, we're just getting caught up in a fad or mislead or confused.  Time tells either way.

I believe in causes.  I believe in change and growth.  The danger is how we treat people in the process.  We rarely get everything right the first time and even if we did, that's no justification for shoving everyone that doesn't agree with you or see what you (maybe think) you see into the reject pile.  And let's be honest here - we all have personal revelations from time to time and at least half the time they aren't new or not even on target.  We are all fallible, so get rid of the smug faces and the condescending glances.  If you're right, time will tell.  You don't have to be ugly about it.

And when we are on the other side - when we don't see what the fuss is about or we think they've lost their mind - there's still no reason to be ugly about it.  Hear them out, consider if it's valuable, merited and why it would be important to them.  It's always good to keep lines of communication open, even when you might not agree all the time.  There's always something to be gained and learned in either direction.

Pride's Top Ten Signs

Pride, arrogance, boasting, bragging, smugness, trusting in your own abilities, thoughts and means above all others.  Pride sounds really ugly when its described like that.  As individuals its likely that we immediately think of someone who fits that description.  But do we take inventory of ourself to see if pride is contaminating everything we do, see and think?  Not usually.  Not if you're like me.

Pride slips in unannounced daily, perhaps even hourly in the right circumstances.  When we are young (in age or in experience) we are usually naive enough to believe we have it all figured out, we know better, we're different (better) than everyone else.  But then when we're older (age or experience), we are naive enough to assume that the temptation to rely on our age or experience isn't just as great.

So, no matter who you are, what you've experienced, you will likely be tempted with pride today.  Here are a few signs that pride has infiltrated your heart:

1. Insecurity - It causes us to freely extend praise and attention of others too much.  A lot of pride is motivated from our unmet need for self-worth.

2. Anger - Anger is a self-justifying emotion.  The nature of anger is to prompt us to justify our position and blame others for the fault or wrong.  This in turn leads to denying our own role in the problem.

3. Irritability & Impatience - Impatient displays often come from a haughty view of ourself - our time, abilities, opinions, etc. - that these are more important that another persons.  This is more an indication of our pride than someone else's slow movement towards perfection.

4. Lack of a submissive attitude - Submission is the voluntary placement of oneself under the influence, control or authority of another.  When an individual pledges their submission to you or another, yet is critical or argumentative of that authority, then pride is the hidden issue.  The test of humility and submission is being able to say, 'yes', maintain a positive attitude and trust God, especially when the decision of your authority goes against your grain or better judgement.

5. Being argumentative - At the root of these arguments is often a belief that they are right and the others wrong and that their will should prevail.  It is appropriate to advocate for a point of view or  position, but not to do so in such a manner that you are more invested in your opinion than in arriving at a mutual understanding.

6. More invested in being heard than in hearing - When someone habitually  needs others to listen to them rather than first hearing others, pride is the motivation.  The need to be excessively heard often means the person doesn't feel loved or valued unless people hear them out, but is really just an expression of insecurity and pride.

7. Needing others to take your advice - Advice should always be offered without strings attached.  If you find yourself resenting the fact that your advice is not followed, look deeper at the motivating issues in your life.

8. Competition & Comparisons - We know comparing is unwise. There is nothing wrong with playing to win, providing the joy is in the playing.  If our happiness depends on defeating others, rejoicing when others find failure or our heart is inwardly grieved when others are more successful, then we are building a world of illusion that is motivated by pride.

9. Not easily corrected - How do you react when someone points out something you did wrong? If you can't take it or react with anger and defensiveness, then pride is afoot.

10. Receiving correction, but never changing - Perhaps you have perfected the people pleasing technique of telling others what they want to hear, but you never move beyond to self-reflection.  Refusing to consider others criticism, even though they may be wrong, is a pride motivated response.


Some information taken from Alfred H. Ells' article Unmasking Hidden Pride.

The Perfect Problem: Complaining

When perfectionism plagues you, you most certainly have a strong opinion on most everything.  As a perfectionist you are looking for everything to be just the way you want it (perfect) and can tell in a heart beat when it's not.  In my experience (with myself) that results in complaining.

Sometimes perfectionist conjures up the image of a neat freak adjusting every picture frame.  And, sure, that person is quite possibly a perfectionist, but that's not the only form perfectionism comes in.  The guy who is desperate for a girlfriend, but finds something wrong with every girl he meets.  The friend who has to tell you constantly what's wrong with what you just said.  The person who requires perfection, but gets so overwhelmed at the thought of what it would take achieve such that they don't try at all.  I affectionately call that the 'discouraged perfectionist'.

My point is that it takes all kinds.  And one clear sign that perfectionism is taking up too much room in your life is the amount of time you spend complaining.  From the first bite of breakfast you take to the temperature of the room before bed to expecting the world to ask you for your opinion because you have the answers.  How many times do you complain about something in one day?  Another way to think about is this: How often are you satisfied and (at bare minimum) express contentment to those around you? The trouble with being a perfectionist is that you will never be really happy for more than a moment, if that.  That's pretty miserable to live with.

Mr. Butler and I have pretty high standards for ourselves and in my opinion there is nothing wrong with that.  The trick with me is making sure that those standards are reachable eventually AND that I don't make it a habit of griping about others who don't share or meet those standards.  It's really easy for me to demand things out of others as if they shared my views, my goals and my expectations and then complain about them when they don't.  But my first and primary job is to hold myself accountable and give mercy like it's going out of style!

Instead of complaining today, shift your focus onto something you can be thankful for.

Instead of expressing disappointment at imperfection today, choose to be content in it.

Comparing, Contentment & Giraffes

Happy October! If I wasn't convinced before that October is my absolute favorite month of the year, I am now.  LOVE this weather! Taking walks with the dogs is so much more pleasant and fulfilling lately.  Which brings to mind the endless struggle with contentment.  Whether its just a nasty habit of finding the negative in everything or constantly comparing my life to others around me, contentment seems like a life-long lesson that may never completely leave me. Despite that possibility, I'd really like some ideas on promoting a content spirit in my every day life.

After perusing in the internet, below are a few suggestions I found that I liked.

-Cut down on your tv/movie/magazine/media time.  A constant ream of impossible standards or fake lives is a sitting duck for satan to plant a seed of ingratitude.
-Cultivate your creativity - spend time creating (writing, painting, building, etc.) stimulates positive and fulfilling feelings that do wonders at counteracting restless emotions.
-Spend time outside - whether 10 minutes or an hour, it energizes the mind and can remind us of all that God has provided.
-Focus on the journey of things, instead of an expected outcome.  If we appreciate processes, our idealistic expectations tend to relax into joy for the experience.
-Stop complaining - just eliminating the negative words can push out the discontent

What helps you appreciate your life, weakness and misfortunes included? How do you pursue contentment?  Life is changing so much that its clear that circumstances cannot be relied upon for this, so how do we keep steady when the winds are constantly shifting around us?

Who doesn't marvel at the giraffe? Even though as a kid one tried to attack me with its tongue, I still can't argue at the unique coolness of a giraffe.  But if humans were giraffes, how many would despise their height and long for a solid coat instead of one with spots?

Comparisons

This past week Randy and I took a trip to Austin.  With it being known for its musical flare, Randy commented that he felt "like we should see a show or something", but we hadn't really planned anything like that and didn't really feel like hunting something down that may or may not be lame.  Still, we talked about it for a little while because we felt like we should simply because it would be cool or might make a good story.  We didn't want to come up short when comparing ourselves with other people.  All in all, though, we took the trip to get away, do whatever we felt like, when we felt like and just be together for relatively cheap.  So, that's what we did.  But that tendency to compare yourself with everybody else or the imaginary "they" and "them" is a much bigger force in my life than #1 I ever used to realize and #2 is healthy for a whole group of people, much less little ol' me.

Comparison is human and productive in learning.  How is the apple different from the orange? How would the story change if Cinderella was a CEO and not interested in settling down?  Comparing isn't bad, but comparing yourself with the constant question, "Am I as good as my best friend or cooler than this random person I've never met?" is treading on dangerous ground.  Friends and peers can be motivating to be better, but for me it always left me despising myself.  I guess I was looking for some one or some group that was just like me so that then I could be acceptable or just as good as because they would be just like me. I'm not about to finish up with a we are all different, what would the world be like if everyone was just like you speech, because that never really helped me NOT compare myself.  Instead, I'd like to talk about permission.  For whatever cooky reason, I think I've needed permission to do what I want, regardless of what custom or the group says is acceptable.  The group, the customs are rarely dictating what is the healthiest option for your life.  And I never really understood that until recently.  

Whatever it is driving a new car rather than a dependable used one, going into debt because you get something cool rather than paying cash and knowing you aren't in debt for the next 12 years, saying yes to every good thing there is to do in the world rather than choosing some and still meet all of your family obligations, or chasing down some music scene just b/c someone else might think its cool rather than making personal gains with your best friend, comparing your life with anyone else just wastes time and stifles growth.  Take it from one who had every opportunity to grow a lot more a long time ago but didn't because she 'wasn't already as good as so-and-so', it's just not worth it.