The Peak of Perfection

Ideal. Slam dunk. Perfect.  Whether you will admit it or not, many of us think in these terms. We want our bodies, homes, things, relationships, other people to be the very best - perfect would be great! While having  goals and high standards is healthy and good, this past week I've noticed a theme of perfection that leads to a lot of treading water and arriving nowhere new.

In learning the piano, the thing I encounter the most within myself and my students is this desire and expectation that everything should be played perfectly the first time. When that doesn't happen, a couple of things can happen.   If you're like me, you are tempted to quit.  It's no "fun" to practice.  Or, like many of my diligent students, you take every measure painfully slow insisting on determining the exact correctness of each note.  While sometimes you need to just slug through a song to understand what you're doing, mostly you just waste a lot of time.  In demanding perfection, we paralyze the learning process.  However, allowing yourself to make mistakes but continuing through with the entire song enables you to get somewhere.  Before long, after pushing through (allowing mistakes here and there), you'll have mastered most of the minor problems and are left with 2 or 3 areas that you DO need to pick apart.

If you don't play an instrument, all of that might not mean much to you, but I think the same concept applies to all aspects of my life.  It's easy to be all or nothing with exercise and diet.  Expecting perfection and then when you foul up, what happens? Either quit all together or obsess over the mistake. Relationships - we expect the people in our life to treat us the way we need every time.  What happens when they don't? We write them off or retaliate. Your home - Everyone has an opinion on housework  and whats important. Don't we worry that everything isn't good enough or up to someone else's standards, perhaps our own? Either we spend excessive amounts of time ensuring that perfect home (sometimes to the neglect of others and other things) or we view it as impossible all the while beating ourselves up over not doing enough.

Here's the point: Perfection is a wonderful destination as long as we realize that its located in heaven. Extremes always come with a heavy price tag that usually isn't worth it.  Instead, accept that mistakes come and see the benefits that come with following through to the end despite them.

Try Again

Giving up, before even really trying, has been a trademark of mine since I was young.  My strong-will demands perfection in the important things (to me anyway) and as soon as it looks like work or not perfection for the get-go, well, I'm out.  I know that's why I was never successful losing weight (the 5-10 lbs) when I wanted to.  I just never really gave it a chance to work before giving up.

I have about 10 more pounds to lose before I reach pre-pregnancy weight and wouldn't mind if I knocked off another 5-10 while I was at it.  The fact that I've lost over 35 pounds is so exciting to me, but overwhelming at the same time.  It just seems like something that should've been too hard for me.  How could I actually do that?  I know a lot of people who desire to achieve things - things like weight-loss, improving certain skills, have better relationships, get better jobs - but day after day, year after year, nothing really changes much.  If you're happy and content with your circumstances, then I am not talking about you.  But to those of us who complain (even if its just to ourselves every night) about how we wish life was and then never try or never try AGAIN, well shame on us.

It took me 30+ years to figure out how to accomplish something really difficult.  We have little to be proud of when things come easy.  When things are really hard, that's when we should be impressed by you.  Do you know the secret to succeeding at something really challenging?  It's a real game changer - let me tell you.  Try again.  No, that's the secret.  Just try again.  Keep trying.  Make those little decisions AGAIN.  Whether it has to do with making a better eating choice, a better word choice with your spouse or a better use of the next 5 minutes, just try again.  It's never going to flow out like honey or happen while you're asleep.  So, just try again.  And after the next 50 tries, look back and realize you're actually getting somewhere! 

I struggle all the time with these little decisions.  It IS easier to stay in bed.  It IS easier to shoot my mouth off with snide remark because HE DESERVES IT! It IS easier complain about my life than actually do something to change it.  At least that's the way it feels at first.  But once those little decisions start paying off, you'll find that it is more work to beat yourself up in discontentment than it is to just make a better choice today.

Let's all try again today, shall we?

The Perfect Problem: Complaining

When perfectionism plagues you, you most certainly have a strong opinion on most everything.  As a perfectionist you are looking for everything to be just the way you want it (perfect) and can tell in a heart beat when it's not.  In my experience (with myself) that results in complaining.

Sometimes perfectionist conjures up the image of a neat freak adjusting every picture frame.  And, sure, that person is quite possibly a perfectionist, but that's not the only form perfectionism comes in.  The guy who is desperate for a girlfriend, but finds something wrong with every girl he meets.  The friend who has to tell you constantly what's wrong with what you just said.  The person who requires perfection, but gets so overwhelmed at the thought of what it would take achieve such that they don't try at all.  I affectionately call that the 'discouraged perfectionist'.

My point is that it takes all kinds.  And one clear sign that perfectionism is taking up too much room in your life is the amount of time you spend complaining.  From the first bite of breakfast you take to the temperature of the room before bed to expecting the world to ask you for your opinion because you have the answers.  How many times do you complain about something in one day?  Another way to think about is this: How often are you satisfied and (at bare minimum) express contentment to those around you? The trouble with being a perfectionist is that you will never be really happy for more than a moment, if that.  That's pretty miserable to live with.

Mr. Butler and I have pretty high standards for ourselves and in my opinion there is nothing wrong with that.  The trick with me is making sure that those standards are reachable eventually AND that I don't make it a habit of griping about others who don't share or meet those standards.  It's really easy for me to demand things out of others as if they shared my views, my goals and my expectations and then complain about them when they don't.  But my first and primary job is to hold myself accountable and give mercy like it's going out of style!

Instead of complaining today, shift your focus onto something you can be thankful for.

Instead of expressing disappointment at imperfection today, choose to be content in it.

The Perfect Problem

In the dictionary, perfection is defined as "a personal standard, attitude, or philosophy that demands perfection and rejects anything less."  So, to call me a perfectionist doesn't sound accurate because I seem to rarely do things perfectly and always seem to be falling short.  But reading this list I found changed my mind:


Ten Top Signs Your a Perfectionist

1. You can't stop thinking about a mistake you made.
2. You are intensely competitive and can't stand doing worse than others.
3. You either want to do something "just right" or not at all.
4. You demand perfection from other people.
5. You won't ask for help if asking can be perceived as a flaw or weakness.
6. You will persist at a task long after other people have quit.
7. You are a fault-finder who must correct other people when they are wrong.
8. You are highly aware of other people's demands and expectations.
9. You are very self-conscious about making mistakes in front of other people.
10. You noticed the error in the title of this list.

Over the years, I've always heard perfectionism referred to as a close cousin to OCD, but I either thought that I wasn't a perfectionist or that it wasn't that big of a problem anyway.  I'm guilty of all the signs on this list at least some of the time and guilty of some of them ALL of the time.  With Jude walking everywhere now and really on the verge of actual talking, I'm growing more aware of how miserable I can become when things aren't perfect (the way I see perfect).  I really don't want him (and any other children I may have) growing up in an environment where I can rarely be pleased, always complaining, and unable to handle changes in plans.   I would appreciate your prayers about this.

The Peak of Perfection

Ideal. Slam dunk. Perfect.  Whether you will admit it or not, many of us think in these terms. We want our bodies, homes, things, relationships, other people to be the very best - perfect would be great! While having  goals and high standards is healthy and good, this past week I've noticed a theme of perfection that leads to a lot of treading water and arriving nowhere new.

In learning the piano, the thing I encounter the most within myself and my students is this desire and expectation that everything should be played perfectly the first time. When that doesn't happen, a couple of things can happen.   If you're like me, you are tempted to quit.  It's no "fun" to practice.  Or, like many of my diligent students, you take every measure painfully slow insisting on determining the exact correctness of each note.  While sometimes you need to just slug through a song to understand what you're doing, mostly you just waste a lot of time.  In demanding perfection, we paralyze the learning process.  However, allowing yourself to make mistakes but continuing through with the entire song enables you to get somewhere.  Before long, after pushing through (allowing mistakes here and there), you'll have mastered most of the minor problems and are left with 2 or 3 areas that you DO need to pick apart.

If you don't play an instrument, all of that might not mean much to you, but I think the same concept applies to all aspects of my life.  It's easy to be all or nothing with exercise and diet.  Expecting perfection and then when you foul up, what happens? Either quit all together or obsess over the mistake. Relationships - we expect the people in our life to treat us the way we need every time.  What happens when they don't? We write them off or retaliate. Your home - Everyone has an opinion on housework  and whats important. Don't we worry that everything isn't good enough or up to someone else's standards, perhaps our own? Either we spend excessive amounts of time ensuring that perfect home (sometimes to the neglect of others and other things) or we view it as impossible all the while beating ourselves up over not doing enough.

Here's the point: Perfection is a wonderful destination as long as we realize that its located in heaven. Extremes always come with a heavy price tag that usually isn't worth it.  Instead, accept that mistakes come and see the benefits that come with following through to the end despite them.