Taking Pride In Your Home: The Double-Edged Sword

Home.  When we are blessed with the responsibility of making a home out of walls and doors, if you're anything like me, things can get a little...complicated.  I come from a line of sensitive pack-rats who find it hard to let go of things - things that I could use one day, things that remind me of a special time, things someone gave me, things I never got around to doing but wish I did - and that makes things like decorating or spring cleaning...interesting.  Finding a balance in things is always my goal - mostly because our human nature is to rush the extremes - and taking an appropriate amount of pride in a home is an area I need a lot of balance in.

There's one extreme where you take no pride in your home.  That might look like never cleaning ever or doing nothing to make your family or guests feel comfortable in your home.  Sometimes this extreme comes from pure ignorance.  If things like decorating or housekeeping don't come naturally or weren't taught, sometimes you just don't know any better.  Other times it could be perfectionism gone wrong.  Since I can't have X (a bigger house, newer things, more things, not have to work, etc.), then I'm just not going to mess with any of it. I am guilty of that one a lot.  And it could be the sincere belief that due to some issue like the size or condition of a house that there really isn't anything that can be done to make a house more comfortable or welcoming.  Whatever the case, it is an extreme that isn't healthy.

The other extreme is taking so much pride in your home that you forget what is important and what the home is there for: people.  This might look like spending all your time cleaning and neglecting other responsibilities like playing with your kids or cultivating other relationships.  Or your clean house is so important that you can't allow kids or unruly guests into your home because they will tarnish it.  It could also look like spending a considerable amount of money on furniture and decorations when you can't really afford to or refuse to be generous in other areas.  This extreme is typically characterized by a huge lack of contentment.  Contentment with our spaces, contentment with what others think of us and contentment with our own realities.  This is really the crux of most issues when it comes to our homes.

As a sensitive girl who is largely motivated by relationships and a desire to do the right thing, what you think of me matters a whole lot more than it should.  So then what you think of anything I do, say or OWN instantly comes into play as well.  To that end, especially at our previous house, I struggled to make homemaking decisions (especially decor) within the constrains of feasibility, what I actually liked, and what I felt compelled to do.  It's the last one that always messed everything up.  With the blank canvas of our new space, I've been forcing myself to not hang much on the walls or buy new anything.  And the struggle is real.  We don't need to spend the money and I want to fill my corners and walls the way I really like, not just to fill space.  But I have to regularly squelch the little monster that says, "What will people think, Amy?  You're so lazy that you STILL haven't gotten anything on the walls?  What's the matter with you!?!"  See, I know it doesn't matter.  My family is comfortable and happy, to my knowledge guests in my home are not grossed out or hurt in any way because there isn't a great picture wall or gigantic mantel piece.  But that comparison bug is constantly pushing for me to be discontent, regardless of the issue.  I had a smaller, less updated home and I struggled with being content.  I now have a larger, updated home and being content is still a struggle.


So, what then?  Contentment - like self-control or healthy eating - takes intentional work. And homemaking, entertaining, decorating and creating a home takes a balanced effort.  How we feel in our home, as residents or guests, matters toward our relationships and our service to God so it is important to work at it.  But that home - be it on a mountaintop or in a bunker deep below - should never take priority over the people it houses or the God who provides it.  When we obsess over filling space, squander savings over feelings of self-worth or idolize our every room, we are missing the point completely.  Of course, I'm still figuring all of this out myself, but it seems like there are a few guidelines that can help us stay balanced.

-Make homemaking and entertaining a priority some of the time.

-Insist on living within your means and circumstances. 

-Always, always ask yourself if the people (including you) in your life are getting what they need out of your relationship.  If not, then all the things in the world don't matter.

-When you are making choices about your living space, focus on what brings you and your family joy.  Most everything else is probably just an attempt to please some ambiguous 'them' and shouldn't matter anyway.

Pride's Top Ten Signs

Pride, arrogance, boasting, bragging, smugness, trusting in your own abilities, thoughts and means above all others.  Pride sounds really ugly when its described like that.  As individuals its likely that we immediately think of someone who fits that description.  But do we take inventory of ourself to see if pride is contaminating everything we do, see and think?  Not usually.  Not if you're like me.

Pride slips in unannounced daily, perhaps even hourly in the right circumstances.  When we are young (in age or in experience) we are usually naive enough to believe we have it all figured out, we know better, we're different (better) than everyone else.  But then when we're older (age or experience), we are naive enough to assume that the temptation to rely on our age or experience isn't just as great.

So, no matter who you are, what you've experienced, you will likely be tempted with pride today.  Here are a few signs that pride has infiltrated your heart:

1. Insecurity - It causes us to freely extend praise and attention of others too much.  A lot of pride is motivated from our unmet need for self-worth.

2. Anger - Anger is a self-justifying emotion.  The nature of anger is to prompt us to justify our position and blame others for the fault or wrong.  This in turn leads to denying our own role in the problem.

3. Irritability & Impatience - Impatient displays often come from a haughty view of ourself - our time, abilities, opinions, etc. - that these are more important that another persons.  This is more an indication of our pride than someone else's slow movement towards perfection.

4. Lack of a submissive attitude - Submission is the voluntary placement of oneself under the influence, control or authority of another.  When an individual pledges their submission to you or another, yet is critical or argumentative of that authority, then pride is the hidden issue.  The test of humility and submission is being able to say, 'yes', maintain a positive attitude and trust God, especially when the decision of your authority goes against your grain or better judgement.

5. Being argumentative - At the root of these arguments is often a belief that they are right and the others wrong and that their will should prevail.  It is appropriate to advocate for a point of view or  position, but not to do so in such a manner that you are more invested in your opinion than in arriving at a mutual understanding.

6. More invested in being heard than in hearing - When someone habitually  needs others to listen to them rather than first hearing others, pride is the motivation.  The need to be excessively heard often means the person doesn't feel loved or valued unless people hear them out, but is really just an expression of insecurity and pride.

7. Needing others to take your advice - Advice should always be offered without strings attached.  If you find yourself resenting the fact that your advice is not followed, look deeper at the motivating issues in your life.

8. Competition & Comparisons - We know comparing is unwise. There is nothing wrong with playing to win, providing the joy is in the playing.  If our happiness depends on defeating others, rejoicing when others find failure or our heart is inwardly grieved when others are more successful, then we are building a world of illusion that is motivated by pride.

9. Not easily corrected - How do you react when someone points out something you did wrong? If you can't take it or react with anger and defensiveness, then pride is afoot.

10. Receiving correction, but never changing - Perhaps you have perfected the people pleasing technique of telling others what they want to hear, but you never move beyond to self-reflection.  Refusing to consider others criticism, even though they may be wrong, is a pride motivated response.


Some information taken from Alfred H. Ells' article Unmasking Hidden Pride.

You've Gone Too Far

Have you ever gone too far? Stepped over a line?  I struggle with that a lot.  Sometimes I say too much, presume to much or just set up camp somewhere in the heat of the moment.  They say never make major life decisions when you're tired, under pressure or emotional (and certainly not all three).

I'm sorry to say that's when I make a lot of decisions that turn out to be really off base.  But then what's worse is that I stay there because of pride.  There was probably a huge ordeal or a big fit, words were said, feelings were hurt and to go back and say I was wrong or not completely right feels absolutely impossible! But why? It feels impossible because I can't bear the feeling of eating crow, admitting the huge ordeal was for nothing, and just humbling myself.

But the good news is that you can always go back.  You can always say you were wrong, ask for forgiveness and at least try to make amends.  How often do we sit in misery, head down a road we know is wrong or isn't where we really want to be, only because we care more about what others think than what is really good for ourselves, our family, our future?  I do it much more than I'd like to admit.

My task today is to pay more attention to what is right by my family and my God than to my ego or self-esteem.  May our pride dissolve into humility quickly.

Hodge Podge

Weekly pride update:

After contemplating the subject all last week, the most significant effect has been a significant decrease in automatic judgements.  The option of judging still presents itself from time to time, but more often than not, I've been able to ignore it.  Hallelujah!  Still, the natural thing for me, once I've tried to 'deal' with an issue is to get comfortable, thinking I've got it all under control.  And that, my friends, is exactly when it'll all creep back in and attack.  So, perhaps updating on the issue will help to refocus my attention.  We'll see.

And now for a plug on writing (publicly or privately):


As Calvin illustrates as only he can, most of us feel like writing, especially writing about our life, has to be full of grand adventures, meaningful experiences and what not.  Sure, if you've lived an exciting life, it'd be good to write it down. But writing can serve a much greater purpose in your life and, if you choose, other people's lives as well.  Have you ever had someone sit down and say "hey, do you need to talk?" and your response is "No, I'm fine." But then as you get to talking, the words start to come out wave by wave? The more you talk the more you realize you need to talk more?  Maybe it's largely a female thing, but writing is one of the BEST tools for sorting yourself out or keeping yourself on track/in tune/centered.  When I go for too long without writing of some kind, it's like my soul gets backed up and the irrationality starts to take over.  Randy journals off and on and I can always tell a difference when he's kept it up for several days.  He's more insightful with what's going on inside of him, he's more patient with me and overall happier.  Whether it is something that you would want to bound for  your grandchildren, the world or burn at the end of the year, I believe it is a healthy and productive practice. :)

Gratitude is in order:

Since I decided to write regularly, several people have commented and even more have read this blog regularly.  Thank you for it all.  I know you don't have to and it most likely will not change your life, but I appreciate your presence and, especially, your kind words and feedback.  Sometimes I stink at being a people person and even more often I stink at adequately expressing myself in person.  This venue makes it much easier for me and your reading and comments are like a big hug to me.  Reminds me that I'm not alone and that, on occasion, others have struggled where I am.  

Keep Me Where The Light Is

It is Friday and a beautiful morning already! I've never been so happy to see hints of spring! I also have a spring in my step because Randy and I have the pleasure of seeing John Mayer tonight! I know some might snarl at any of his indiscretions, but the good that I have witnessed in his music writing, personality on stage and blues guitar skills has produced a genuine fan in Randy and I.  Can. not. wait!  If you're unfamiliar with him and at all curious, here are a couple of videos, though they alone don't do him justice.

This is one of my favorites.



This one highlights a little of his sweet guitar skills. :)



Anyway, as a ending to this week thinking heavily about my pride, I have a request.  I understand that you may decline and that's fine, but if you ever feel inclined, please go right ahead.  If you ever witness prideful words, attitudes, anything coming out of me, whether to you or to anyone else, would you bring it to my attention? Throughout this week I've experienced moments when I remained humble and silent and also moments when I vomited up prideful everything.  I really like and feel blessed by the humble moments.  I like how they impact my relationships with others and my attitude towards God. Therefore, #1 it is a worthy goal for me and #2 I suspect maintaining it will be much harder than I realize.  


Proverbs 16:18 Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.


Any advice on maintaining humility and keeping pride out?

And it's self for the block!

The other day Hannah mentioned that having pride in your life will undoubtedly hinder or block any real growth.  Makes me think of playing Connect 4 and not being very good at it.  Everything you go to do your opponent hijacks it and you just want to quit.

And if you think about it, isn't that what a lot of not growing is all about?  Why don't we grow, why don't we get better at living this life we've been given?  The number one answer, I suspect, would be that "I just can't"  or "It is impossible", but what does that really mean? Doesn't it really mean we don't want to or think we shouldn't have to work that hard to make us/circumstances/lifestyles different?  Somehow we deserve an easier way or a faster answer.  Isn't that just pride at the bottom of it? Maybe I'm giving pride too much power but hopefully you see the point.

With my analytical brain comes the observation of weaknesses or improvements needed (I'm now convinced I should've been a quality control person somewhere) and as long as I'm just concerned with myself I can probably be safe.  But most of my life it has rarely stayed confined to just myself.  So, here I am, walking around full of ideas and observations (even a few answers I think are good) ready to help the world!  The deal is either nobody told me or I thought I knew better that people don't like being told #1 what's potentially wrong in their life and #2 how some person (ME!) thinks they should fix it.  So what, you say?  Well, so what I thought was a strength (because it came so easy to me) was actually wrapped up in one of my great weaknesses.  I guess I've moved on from trying to convict myself of the sin of pride and now trying to relearn how to live my specific life in humility.  Since so much of my nature involves these analyzing, dissecting, improving patterns, I'm having a hard time knowing what to trust, what is born of pride and what is good.  Anyway, that's where I'm at today.

On a happy note, I got a glimpse of several bulbs coming up in my yard yesterday!! I never used to understand gardener's 'spring fever' but I've never been so excited to start gardening in my life!  Yay for a warm week full of sunshine!

Red Alert! Danger!

As kids learn the piano, there is a very clear (planned) shift from playing notes to reading music. Within just a couple of weeks they progress a great deal in their skill by making that one shift.  The funny thing is, the kids usually don't realize how big of a deal it is.  Take an adult with no prior music reading skill and try to do the same thing and typically it is more difficult and overwhelming.  On occasion, an adult student will trust the teacher enough to just go with the process ( assigned pieces, practice, etc.) with the faith that by following through on all of it, the skills will come in the appropriate time.  But adults seem to be much less trusting than children and, as a result, have a harder time progressing with ease. It seems to me that this a good example of 'becoming like little children' and some admonition for myself in how I approach change in myself.  In my desire to eliminate pride and arrogance from my heart and mouth, I've been looking for a trick or a method to 'fix' it.  It occurs to me that if I was aggressively and proactively pursuing God's will for a follower of Him - the fruits of the spirit, etc. -   and trusting him, like a child would, to bless the process, my situation might be much different.

Nonetheless, there are a few indications I've thought of that should raise some flags in my mind that pride is near.


-Evaluating/Comparing: My brain is pretty analytical (about things I know or like, ex. people, relationships, circumstantial ethics, etc.) and with every breath, I can find myself evaluating something.  While that isn't inherently wrong or necessarily an indication of pride in myself, it can result in it.  Evaluating often leads to comparison.  Comparison will either result in thinking myself better than someone else or thinking myself less of someone, which will result in building myself up further to compensate.  No matter what, the temptation to feed my prideful ego can be very heavy.


-Speaking quickly, rashly or very emotionally: Again not always bad, but it does increase the risk.  When I speak quickly, it could be that I've not thought about it OR my emotions are so big on the issue that I wanted to jump fast.  Either way, when my emotions or lack of thinking are present, I often make an assumption that everything I say will be right.  There's no checks or balances on anything so pride can be sky high before there is any clue.


-Interacting with people who differ from me: Whether it is a spiritual opposition, personal preference or complete lifestyle difference, I have the tendency to put up a large defense that is very destructive in my life.  Somewhere I got the idea that a difference of opinion is automatically a challenge to my very self and principle values.  Especially when you write it out, isn't that silly? There is an entire world who does and thinks at least 1 thing different than I. That in no way means the entire world is out to challenge and destroy everything I think is important. Yet, that is a very tempting way to react, which then leads me to justify and build up everything I think, again placing it higher than everyone else.


I heard Dave Ramsey quote someone yesterday on the radio, saying (something to this effect) that IQ is not a good indicator for a person's expected (financial) success in life, but rather a person's level/habit of self-discipline.  Verbalizing and itemizing some of these triggers I can tell is already helping me but I won't change unless I commit and DO something about it.  If you are looking for someone to pray for today, I would be very thankful for remembering me in this desire to change.

The Ugly Truth

It looks like this week will be slightly warmer here in Oklahoma and that alone is reason to celebrate! As thankful as I am for the tiny fact, I am faced with a less than celebratory topic to tackle this week most importantly because I need it.  This week I'm going to look at humility and pride.  First and foremost I have a problem with acting and displaying prideful feelings and attitudes, often without being fully aware of it.  Now, my lack of awareness isn't some sneaky way of saying I should be excused or slightly justified because "I just didn't know".  It's actually an indication of how long I've been like this and learned this behavior, so long until it was completely unconscious.  So, it is my intention and hope to be able to recognize it in myself more readily, isolate the causes and triggers, and hopefully find some ways to minimize and extinguish it completely.  That's my desire, anyway.

As this quote clearly illustrates, to turn this into a "how humble I can be" discussion would be missing the point.  Instead, let's start with why we get prideful in the first place.  It's easy to dismiss yourself from having an issue with pride because I think we understand it a little differently than what it is sometimes.  I used to think pride was high self-esteem, publicly loving yourself or boasting about how great you are. While any of those could be prideful, they aren't the only expressions of it.  In myself, pride finds it's way in self-preservation and trying to know the answer to everything.  The self-preservation is a coping mechanism I think but it results in raising my everything (needs, thoughts, opinions, emotions) higher than anyone else's.  Somewhere along in my life, I felt compelled, as though I was supposed to, to have a ready answer for anyone's question.  Not at all sure why, but it has resulted in me answering whether I have a good reason to or not AND it has fed into me feeling like my answer is probably the best, no matter what! Self-esteem has never been my strong suit and thus it was assumed that of course I wouldn't be prideful, because I struggled with taking pride in myself.  But having low self-esteem, seems to have resulted in a raising up of the self higher because it felt lower.  Seems confusing and silly  when you say it.  It doesn't feel like pride and arrogance when it happens but viewing it through this lens makes it shameful, hard to swallow and worthy of expulsion! 

So there it is, the big ugly truth.  One step at a time, I guess.  So, now I'm looking for triggers or clues that can tip me off that I'm about to jump into the pride pool.    Any suggestions?