Homeschool Hesitations

This is the first installment of the Homeschool Hesitations series.  As an active homeschooler that maintains relationships with many, many non-homeschoolers, I have found that I hesitate - a lot.  I hesitate to speak when I have a different perspective.  I hesitate to try things that seem right to me, but not exactly socially celebrated.  Even though I often know what I think and desire for my family, I still find myself hesitating.  The sad truth is that it's probably because I'm afraid of what others will think or disagree with.  Considering how opinionated I am, I'm sure that sounds foolish.  And in reality it is.  Which is why I'm creating this series.

The Difference You Bring Is Everything

The reason we hesitate is often tied to a difference.  The path is different.  The outcome is different.  The people are different.  In our culture of individuality, we don't digest difference very effectively.  Many of us have been conditioned to dodge being different because it invariably will bring negative attention.  The irony is that many of our favorite people or restaurants or organizations are our favorite BECAUSE they are different than the rest.  Why did you choose your spouse or your birthday dinner or a favorite vacation spot?  Because somewhere in all of your circumstances they were special and were/provided something most others could not.  They were different! The difference that you bring - whether it be in your personality, your educational choices or your favorite hobby on a cool afternoon - is what makes you YOU!  If that isn't important than what are we even doing in this free American society???  America isn't perfect and as a country we miss the mark a LOT, but we still have freedom of expression, worship, and pursuit of happiness.  Being different in whatever way you are is important!  

Homeschooling is Special

Like two kids barely over 18 deciding to get married - some of society thinks it is unwise to pursue the path of homeschooling.  And like many married couples gone on before us - some make a beautiful life and then some don't make a very good go of it.  But that could be said of all educational paths.  When you have the convicted desire and the blessed opportunity to pursue homeschooling, there is something very special that takes place.  Your family is witness to your difference in the face of so much sameness.  As those little souls grow and develop they instinctively know that their difference is a good and exciting thing. 

I'm no expert in anything, but I've been pursuing homeschooling in some form or fashion for almost 8 years.  I've hit road blocks and contemplated quitting.  I've also found success in teaching my big kids to read, play the piano, and love learning.  I have felt inadequate, alone, judged and very much a failure too.  I have hesitated so often and that hesitation can really hurt.  My desire is to encourage other homeschooling families to hesitate wisely instead of out of fear.  Over the next few weeks we're going to talk about areas we should and should not hesitate when it comes to homeschooling our children.

Out of Nowhere: When Life Surprises Us But Really Shouldn't

I have often talked about how different Mr. Butler and I are.  We are still - after 10 1/2 years of marriage and a couple years more of friendship- finding ways we approach life drastically different. The Color Code is one of those personality profile methods that can help you understand yourself and others and this past year revisited what it says about us.  Mr. Butler is primarily a Red and I'm primarily a Blue - none of which is entirely a surprise.  What did strike me the other day was this chart that I ran across explained our struggles beautifully.  We are uncomfortable opposites who both tend to be controlling.  That ought to work well, huh? :)

I've mentioned before about how a year after Miss Z was born, my body pretty much collapsed in on itself and I spent the next 2 years having to build it back up with the most intentional living I'd ever done.  At the time, it felt like it came out of nowhere but the facts seemed to speak for themselves. The fall that I got pregnant with Miss Z, Mr. Butler went back to school for his master's degree in addition to his full-time job.  J was 2-3 years old, I was teaching piano regularly, and Mr. Butler's schedule meant he was usually away in the evenings 2-3 nights a week plus study time.  Once she was born things didn't slow down because I added another human being to the mix (which included nursing and lost sleep) and he didn't graduate until the time I collapsed.  The timing was poetic and ridiculous all at the same time.  The physical breakdown seemed random and unexpected, but the truth is that a body (my super sensitive body) could only take so much.

Sometimes when things happen in our life we are genuinely surprised.  We weren't expecting it and it just doesn't feel like it should be so.  This is often a pivotal moment.  The "it's not fair" routine could be bounding through the heart which leads to more unbridled emotion that likely won't help much.  The other direction involves asking important questions (like 'What circumstances could bring this about?') and be open to the possibility that our choices created this to some extent.  Mr. Butler and I didn't magically morph personalities after marriage.  We were always very different.  My body didn't just explode because it felt like it.  I had pushed it far too hard for far too long.  There are a lot of political opinions and discussions flying around that too easily end in horror at this or that opinion.  If you find yourself actually in a real conversation (and facebook doesn't usually count because people can't help but be ridiculous it seems!) about all of these things, take some time to ask questions like "What circumstances brought you to feel this way?"  Opinions and realities may not change from this, but relationships sure could be enhanced from a little more understanding.  Polarizing what is already polarized doesn't give us much.  Connecting the dots of how a person comes to embrace opposing ideals could give us quite a bit.

Treating People Well

We think it's about being on one side or another.  We are convinced it's about proving our point.  We are often fed a diet of panic, despair and emergency that should result in change.  I'm pretty sure we have it all wrong.

The world will be debating truths and campaigning for their view as long as it is still spinning.  There's no doubt about that.  And yes, I have my own view about what's true and what's right.  We all do.  Why we are so shocked to find others who absolutely disagree with us, I just don't know.  So, it's not about disagreeing because that has always been with us and always will be.

Here's what it IS about:  Treating people well.  Period.  Whether you disagree or are bosom buddies on every issue known to man, you should still be able to treat another human being well.  If your view of the world (and any little thing in it) is so vital, true and imperative, do you really think antagonizing or alienating someone will help them come to agree with you?

Human nature says no.  Doesn't make it reasonable or righteous.  But we just can't go around barking at  each other - no matter what we're saying - and expect change.  Most people, when they feel attacked, can't hear anything but their own defense.  When a person feels understood and valued, then they are more likely open to considering what you have to say.

You're wondering now if I'm in favor of ignoring the truth of someone's situation just to keep them from hurting.  No, we all have to hear hard things and ultimately it is up to us to either change or live with the consequences.

But we all know what it is like to be corrected with respect and dignity.  And what it's like to be bashed and brushed aside.  Speaking as a mother, there are ways to tell my son he is wrong that are healthy and useful.  Belittling, hateful arrogance is not involved and certainly doesn't do anyone any good.  Our world is continually changing and that alone can be really overwhelming.  But you know what?  So far, none of those changes has taken away my ability to treat people with respect and honor, even when they are wrong.  Don't be surprised when you meet those who oppose everything you're about.  Instead, look for ways to treat them well.  

Your Stroll is my Race

Have you ever witnessed somebody breeze through something in a few moments that you struggle for hours to get right?  It's daunting and frustrating.  Have you ever experienced (you or a child) racing through a subject at school with ease and/or not grasping something until months (sometimes years) later than the norm?

We all have a habit of assuming that most people don't struggle with those kind of inequalities.  We assume that it's just us or our kids, not most families.  As a piano teacher, I'm blessed with the opportunity in some cases to teach siblings.  In case you're not accustomed to the differences in family members, they are consistently inconsistent! What's easy as breathing for one, is a foreign language for another.

I'm the mother of an almost 2 year old who has lots of cousins and friends near his age.  Comparing skills is second nature, sometimes out of fun, sometimes out of fear that our child is behind.  But there is a very clear point that we are not getting as a society and often not practicing as parents and teachers.  Everyone - EVERYONE - has their own pace when it comes to learning and developing.  When we treat (panic, rush, demean) each other (especially kids) as though they've missed the boat on something, we miss the point of learning.

My son is not interested in colors and says everything is green (which is a mighty fine color).  In some circles that might be cause for heavy concern.  But I know that my son is developing weekly - more words, more signs (ASL), and more complex concepts.  And he's got a great arm! I trust that he'll get there eventually, so what's the emergency?  It's so easy to get hung up on milestones and skill levels and ignore the full picture of someone's development.

Everyone is going to have weaknesses and strengths.  If you give a child the message that their weakness makes them abnormal or wrong, then that could affect their approach to learning.  We all have to work harder at some things.  Sometimes your stroll (through algebra or public speaking) is my race.  The sooner we accept those realities, the sooner we can focus on how we are developing as a person, not just at a skill level.

A Lesson in Disagreeing

Mr. Butler and I disagree a lot.  As I've said before, we're very different and that gets complicated.  But we like each other a lot too.  Sometimes I get very frustrated, demanding he agree with me or I feel utterly rejected.  And, just as a reminder, he's the safest place in the world for me.

Now think of a group of people - friends, your local congregation, colleagues at work, a class at school - and think about times anyone has disagreed with anyone else.  At their worst, things can get so ugly that there is separation, ridicule and some form of exile.  And I'm not talking at all about discipline situations. Do you dislike people because they disagree with you?  Do they dislike you because you disagree with them? 

I think a lot of people make an assumption, myself included, that is really wrong.  Disagreement doesn't have to mean or equal dislike.  I can say from first hand experience that sometimes it feels like you disagreeing with me is you disliking me, but that's not usually true.  At least not at first.  Most dislike comes when harsh words or flippant attitudes are thrown around and then concern for others flies out the window.

If you're like me and you've seen a lot of ugliness from people (myself included), it's hard to imagine what it's like for disagreements to be calm and productive.  But, I tell you they do exist and can be taught.  Mr. Butler is slowly teaching me, emphasis on slowly.  Let's just say it's very challenging to pull your emotions out of the game of disagreeing.  However, the foundation I'm trying to build on is that disagreement doesn't have to mean dislike.  I'll keep you posted! 

Honor the Difference

What would our daily experiences be like if more people were taught to honor the differences in other people?  The broken record overfloweth I think but people are different.  We were made different and expecting sameness is foolish.  Finding kinship is a blessing and a gift. Why? Because it is rare.  We could go on and on about how being different is good, but the bible has already covered it at length (read I Corinthians 12 for starters).  The first mistake we (I) make is continually scoffing at and perhaps rejecting the other that is not like me.  This is little things like what food you like and big things like how you parent, who you marry and what you do for a living.

Let's use a funeral director for an example.  I don't know any personally so this is hypothetical at best. If anyone I knew decided to go into funeral directing or embalming or even a medical examiner, I would most certainly turn my nose up, give them a disgusted look and say "Why on earth would you want to do that?"  Fact: I would never be able to or want to do this kind of work.  Fact: That does not mean it is a bad line of work, no one should ever consider it or that it doesn't serve a greater purpose in society.  Why do I automatically criticize the entire idea? Why couldn't I consider how needed it might be and what a blessing it is to the grieving?  This is probably a silly example but I hope it makes the point.

As my son grows up, begins talking and eventually having an impact on the world, I don't want him to intimidate or bully others just by his opinions.  It's easy to do and I am very guilty of it.  There is plenty about my life that is very different than you.  I'm sensitive, physically and emotionally, which means weird things stress me out.  I generally don't go to the doctor and have taken natural remedies (herbs & vitamins) for most of my life.  I hate small talk that is just for show (I'd rather you ignore me unless you have something genuine to say).  I like basketball better than football, but I hate the poor sportsmanship that comes out in spectators of any sport most of the time.  I'd rather spend more time with animals than some people.  If there is someone out there that is the same as all that, well let me know because we should be better friends! :)

We will never like all the different things about everyone else.  But we can choose to honor them at least by not tearing them down.  This is probably an extension of a zillion other ideas (loving your neighbor, biting your tongue, etc.) but just think of it this way.  Wouldn't you like to be honored, cherished or at least appreciated for being a little different every now and then?

Be Just Like Me!

I'm not sure what it is about us humans that makes us desire, expect, demand others be, think, want just like us.  Perhaps its partly female but I expect its largely human.  We seem surprised when others like different things than we do.  Sometimes we are even offended that others make decisions vastly different than we do.  More often than not, we try (at least internally if not outright) to make others be like us.

 A good example is love - getting married - having a spouse.  It is common to hand out unsolicited advice to engaged/newlywed couples like it's candy.  "Oh, I know you feel that way now, but just you wait! It's all going to change and be [insert my personal experience here]"  Now, maybe they'll have your experience and maybe they won't.  But why is it so easy to walk around telling people they WILL be just like us, when #1 we don't really know and #2 we usually hate to be told how our life is going to be just as much as the next guy?

I've been on both ends of this scenario and didn't like how it felt either way.  It's one thing to be told that you're normal, but it's a whole different ball game to be told you don't know your life at all.  I'm guilty of it I know and if I did it to you, I'm sorry.  And I'm not criticizing advice from those with more experience.  It's the unsolicited "I know better than you about your own life" kind of stuff that doesn't seem to benefit anyone.  There are a few things in the world that a lot of us would agree on for sure (God, murder isn't a good idea, etc.), but the rest is pretty subjective.  Some girls, okay A LOT of girls love princessdressuppinkshoppingbarbiegirlygirlmakeupfashionista-NESS.  I despise it.  I really hope God blesses me with many boys, though by that very desire I'm fully aware it's likely I'll have a coop full of hens.  But the point is I'm very different from a lot of people that way.  Actually there is a whole lot of me that is very different than most people. So, you'd think I would be used to being different and not ever get caught up in trying to make others just like me somehow.  Why is it so hard (myself included) to believe, accept and celebrate the differences in other people?

Why Can't You Be Just Like Me?

One of the hardest things about marriage is also what makes it so beautiful. As children, many of us are misled into thinking that everyone is or at least should be just like us. When diving into marriage, whether we realize it or not, we carry that sentiment with us. Of course, the blinding love usually keeps us from seeing just how annoyingly different our mate-to-be actually is until its way too late to back out.
This morning, my husband and I were playing 20 questions, mandatory answering and they must be honest. In asking him what his ideal holiday plans would be if he had complete authority and control, I was struck by how different he was. And it wasn't that I didn't already know that because his differences were some of the reasons I loved and needed him. The most difficult part was that I finally realized how important it was to me for him to be just like me, in some areas at least. If it were up to him, he would spend the winter holidays in a different place every year vacationing. Leaving home, not being around family and setting up our own (home-centered) traditions struck me as absolutely the worst thing I could do. Yet, that's the best thing he could do.
Rational or not, I went into a little bit of grieving for myself. In a lot of ways, I had always felt vastly different than my family growing up. One of those secret solutions that we seek in marriage (yes, that we never verbalize or admit) for me was finding validation for me being me. This certainly was not doing that. Now, I know all of the positive things about the joining of two very different worlds, especially for our future children. Compromises can be beautiful things. As much as I want to share my perfect holiday with him, spending a week in NYC or Flagstaff could be fun too. So, yes I know we can share and probably be better off. But, there is just some kind of insane draw about sharing things that you love with other people who love it too. And suddenly realizing that may not happen in quite the way you had hoped with the most important person in your life is pretty mind-altering, if only for a while.
As usual, Randy's differences set up a learning situation that is exactly what I need. We are two extremes, sitting opposite of one another, sharing commonalities mostly because of our extremity. So, really, I shouldn't be surprised. But as a kid, going over to your friends house for dinner can bring quite a wrench to your relationship. Especially if they have weird food for dinner and watch weird things on tv or don't have a tv at all. Suddenly, you're looking at your friend much differently. Most likely, you'll still be friends because kids are more resilient than adults. But how many adult relationships, between parent & child, friendships and even nations, get stuck here and never are the same again. No worries, I'm sticking with Randy despite his 'crazy' holiday ideals, but its certainly something to help me reflect on how I deal with differences.