Feel What You Feel. Give Others the Same Privilege.

Throughout my life's education, one of the biggest concepts that always resonated with me has been how one size just doesn't ever fit all.  We don't learn at the same rates, we don't grow at the same rates, and a cure for one might be poison for another.  As a young mother, that was always evident when babies are starting to talk and walk.  We act as though it's a race or a competition, but it's really not.  This year has given us a concentrated dose of other people's lives (while ironically being cut off directly) and too often we still aren't getting the message that we're all different.  Many celebrating holidays this week and are coming from entirely different places emotionally.  We should never buy into the idea that everyone needs to (or has to) experience it the same way.

I have loved ones who have suffered great tragic losses this year.  There are friends who have gone through massive changes in their lives.  I also know those who are suffering financially.  Some families and relationships have experienced beautiful healing and growth this year.  There are those who are simply sick themselves.  Some of us are struggling with anxiety and depression.  New babies, sad divorces, exciting marriages, new homes, job changes, and great losses.  All of these and more have happened all around us this year.  

My little brother and his beautiful family moved back to our area after spending their whole married life out of state.  The past several days I've gotten to spend time with my niece and nephews that I've not really every been able to before and it has been wonderful! There were moments yesterday when I started to feel guilty for my joy simply because I know others who struggled to enjoy the days because of personal loss or struggles.  I know it is right to be content and joyful with my circumstances  when it arises, but I have to admit the pit of guilt I had to fight off just the same.  As I thought about that, I realized how often we strive for others to experience the world like we are, but usually fail miserably.  The loss anyone is feeling right now needs to be honored by those that feel it most.  The joy of reunion and family needs to be celebrated by those that feel it most.  Our lot of celebration or mourning will undoubtedly change from what it is today so there is no need to force it somewhere it doesn't belong.  We will all celebrate and we will all mourn in due time.  

Good deeds and painful trials both deserve honor.

As we live in a free country that recognizes our freedom to live a quiet and peaceful life as suits our needs, we should honor those in our life with a similar respect to engage the world as they need to.  When we start expecting everyone to adhere the same way in holidays, in circumstances or just feeling the way we feel, we are trying to argue with the beautiful design of man.  We are made in the image of God, but as we see the complex differences between one person to the next, it is clear His image manifests itself in a variety of ways at a variety of times.

If you're mourning, honor it with everything you have.  If you are celebrating, do not let it go without great joy.  If you are growing, lean in to it to get where you are going.  If you are broken and struggling, honor it and let others lift you up.  I would never expect an essay out of my 3 year old the way I might with my 10 year old.  Even two 10 year old kids side by side can't be expected to know/perform/think the same.  Let's quit treating each other with such ignorance, but far more mercy and support.  So, as you are closing out this perpetual circus of a year, feel what you feel, but give those around you that same privilege. We are not all in this together in the same way and that has to be understood and it has to be okay.  

1 Corinthians 12:12-27

12 For just as the body is one and has many members, and all the members of the body, though many, are one body, so it is with Christ. 13 For in one Spirit we were all baptized into one body—Jews or Greeks, slaves or free—and all were made to drink of one Spirit. 14 For the body does not consist of one member but of many. 15 If the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” that would not make it any less a part of the body. 16 And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” that would not make it any less a part of the body. 17 If the whole body were an eye, where would be the sense of hearing? If the whole body were an ear, where would be the sense of smell? 18 But as it is, God arranged the members in the body, each one of them, as he chose. 19 If all were a single member, where would the body be? 20 As it is, there are many parts, yet one body.

21 The eye cannot say to the hand, “I have no need of you,” nor again the head to the feet, “I have no need of you.” 22 On the contrary, the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, 23 and on those parts of the body that we think less honorable we bestow the greater honor, and our unpresentable parts are treated with greater modesty, 24 which our more presentable parts do not require. But God has so composed the body, giving greater honor to the part that lacked it, 25 that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another. 26 If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together.

27 Now you are the body of Christ and individually members of it.

Family Matters

Family is a funny thing.  Some of us complain about what's missing from ours.  Others cut out the family we don't want to claim as ours.  And most of us just don't appreciate it much until much later in life.  As I think about how I want my children to appreciate their family experience, it's convicted me that I must model that for them.  

Last weekend I attended a family reunion and had a moment of reflection that just hasn't left me.  What does being family mean?  Different things to different people, of course.  One thing it really is, though, is a group of people who share experiences.  There are people, places and events that were shared over time and no matter the course of their life later, those common elements will remain.

There are billions of strangers that even if you meet you likely won't share more than a glance or a few words.  With your family, extended and immediate, you share hundreds of instances and events before you're even born!  Especially in childhood, there are only a certain number of people who will witness your many milestones.  Within each family group, there are certain people or items that have great significance (simply because you all were there together) that will hold no value to anyone outside of the group.  That commonality that you share with family members matters.  I believe it matters more than we think.  No matter where you are today, those people were witnesses in your life and the life of those you both love.  It matters because of that, I think.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that in most circumstances (not talking about abuse or criminal behavior), our various family circles deserve a little more love than we tend to give.  We forget that they were there too.  Sure, not all experiences are going to be the same, but the commonality of places and people means that their different experience might help us find better perspective sometimes.  With my own little family, I know that one day J & Miss Z will have conversations about their parents, probably complaining about how awful we are in some way.  And they will have the best tools in each other to better understand what's happening.

Family, big or small, near or far, isn't just some obligation to fulfill.  It is an obligation, but within it are endless opportunities and tools to grow and gain a better, richer experience - even separate from them completely.  In the past I've let myself get so caught up in how family makes me feel or how much I agree with them on this or that.  Discussion and principled debate has it's place but it shouldn't overshadow the respect we all deserve for being witnesses to each other's life.  Even more so when they were supportive and active witnesses.  May we work a little bit harder on loving for others' sake and honoring because of history's sake.

  

Submission: Pitching Fits Like a Rockstar

Submission - noun - the act or fact of accepting or yielding to a superior force or to the will or authority of another person.

There is a lot that I don't know, mess up and get confused about.  And this is one of the subjects that just takes the cake some days.

When I was first married - and probably before - I had this arrogant notion that I could do submission better than anyone I'd ever encountered and be this rockstar of humility!  I thought I could bring Mr. Butler a few drinks and let him pick where we ate and before I knew it, everyone - including him - would be singing my praises as the most meek and submissive wife anyone had ever met.  Like I said, I can get confused sometimes. ;)

There are a few big decisions in my married past that my husband would have done differently had I not pitched a fit.   And yes, I do mean pitched a fit in the most grammatically correct way, complete with huffing and puffing, ugliness, mind games and flat out explosion of tears and emotions.  I'm talking life-changing things like where to live and who to be friends with.  And I'm still not good at submission, but on all of those decisions, he was right.  I should have respected his opinion, needs and desires more - at least to hear him out.  On most things, I struggled to even let him get words out.  I was consumed - absolutely CONSUMED - with how it was going to affect me, how I was going to (or not) be able to control the situation, and how it just didn't feel good.  Submission was all well and good until it made me sad/mad/scared/uncomfortable.

I love the idea of doing something right.  Or the best way.  Or at least better than most people do.  But loving an idea and actually living it when things get uncomfortable and hard, well that's so different.  And I didn't realize how different it was until I started really trying to live it.  For all that I thought I knew, I just didn't realize that this attitude of submission took sacrifice - doing things you just didn't want to do to achieve an end that was more beautiful than you could imagine.

The other night Mr. Butler said something to me that I felt was too harsh, unnecessary and just wrong.  I found a way (I'm pretty sure the Holy Spirit was working overtime) to keep my mouth shut and neutralize the fit that was brewing.  And my fits are no little matter so neutralizing it is sometimes an even bigger event.  Anyway, I moved on.  Within an hour or two, he brought the comments back up and the kind-hearted gentleman made it right.  That's what happens when I handle things God's way.  When I handle it my way (telling him he's wrong, ordering him to treat me better, and freezing him out until he does), well...not so much.

This next year it is my desire to improve my submission skills.  I want a better marriage and I want my kids learn how to respect.  I know that all starts with me.  Needless to say, I'm no expert on the subject of submission and respect, but here are a couple of things I'm learning and constantly need to be reminded of:

-Submission is easy when my husband agrees with me.

-Submission is easy when my husband does what I think he/we should.  

-If submission is easy, that's a good sign it's not really submission.

-If I find myself being critical, impatient, defiant or snarky, I'm not being submissive.

-Submission is an attitude of being soft, receptive, responsive and leadable towards my husband.

For some (good) expert advice, check out a few of these:

And for a great discussion about what submission is and certainly what it is not, check this out:
7 Misconceptions about Submission: Girls Gone Wise

Treating People Well

We think it's about being on one side or another.  We are convinced it's about proving our point.  We are often fed a diet of panic, despair and emergency that should result in change.  I'm pretty sure we have it all wrong.

The world will be debating truths and campaigning for their view as long as it is still spinning.  There's no doubt about that.  And yes, I have my own view about what's true and what's right.  We all do.  Why we are so shocked to find others who absolutely disagree with us, I just don't know.  So, it's not about disagreeing because that has always been with us and always will be.

Here's what it IS about:  Treating people well.  Period.  Whether you disagree or are bosom buddies on every issue known to man, you should still be able to treat another human being well.  If your view of the world (and any little thing in it) is so vital, true and imperative, do you really think antagonizing or alienating someone will help them come to agree with you?

Human nature says no.  Doesn't make it reasonable or righteous.  But we just can't go around barking at  each other - no matter what we're saying - and expect change.  Most people, when they feel attacked, can't hear anything but their own defense.  When a person feels understood and valued, then they are more likely open to considering what you have to say.

You're wondering now if I'm in favor of ignoring the truth of someone's situation just to keep them from hurting.  No, we all have to hear hard things and ultimately it is up to us to either change or live with the consequences.

But we all know what it is like to be corrected with respect and dignity.  And what it's like to be bashed and brushed aside.  Speaking as a mother, there are ways to tell my son he is wrong that are healthy and useful.  Belittling, hateful arrogance is not involved and certainly doesn't do anyone any good.  Our world is continually changing and that alone can be really overwhelming.  But you know what?  So far, none of those changes has taken away my ability to treat people with respect and honor, even when they are wrong.  Don't be surprised when you meet those who oppose everything you're about.  Instead, look for ways to treat them well.  

Politics, Sports and Other Things I Care Very Little For

It's Thursday and here's what's going on: The kick-off of football season, two political conventions just about in the books, and even with the holiday on Monday, I feel like I haven't seen my husband all week!  I'm not a sports fan.  I'm certainly not a political activist.  And I get cranky when my routine gets messed up!  So, maybe I'm a little cranky, but I have a couple of opinions about some of the hypocrisy we allow when sports and politics are involved.

I'll just tell you up front, every time the subject (whether in person or in social media) of politics or sports comes up, I cringe.  I cringe and I pray people will behave.  Because about 70% of the time, people don't behave.  People aren't respectful, humble, kind or honest.  We get prideful, boasting, rude, mean and grow into big fat liars.  Liars to ourselves about how good our team/political party is and how bad the other is.  Liars to each other, making claims about what (or who) will fix things in the country/conference/team.  We also get demanding and ungrateful.  The ability to vote in an election and watch a football game on a beautiful Saturday alike are awesome gifts and blessings.  Many times, we behave as though we are in charge of everything to do with them and are personally paying each politician and player.

Now, living in Oklahoma, you can't get away from sports fans because these days, if it's not football it's basketball.  And I also live in a free, relatively democratic society so getting away from others exercising their political freedoms would mean moving and potentially giving up my own freedoms.  So, I am in no way suggesting that we try to get away or that all involvement and support of sports and politics is bad, wrong or offensive to me.  I love a good basketball or football game, snuggled up to Mr. Butler - especially with my ipod handy to distract me when I lose interest! I know one day J will be on some field or court and I'll desperately pray to God that his team win!  And, I get fearful and overwhelmed at the thought of one day losing my freedoms - freedom of religion, the safety and luxuries we are provided in this country! I'm even thankful there are at least two major political parties, where one party or ideal can't dominate completely for ever and ever.

What I am begging for is good, well-thought out, reasonable behavior.  Just because a party did something profitable once doesn't mean it is infallible and is the only solution to everything.  But just because you disagree with certain ideals of a party doesn't mean it can't accomplish beneficial things for everyone.  Politically, I'm probably half republican and half democrat because I support some of both sides.  In sports and politics, every last player and coach are human, subject to mistakes, circumstances and game-changing events.  Everybody has a bad day and deserves mercy just as much as you do.  If you can't enjoy the ride and appreciate the process without being rude and stirring up strife with others then maybe you should re-evaluate why you feel so strongly that you can't behave in an honorable way.  And yes, I may feel so strongly about all of this because I'm cranky, so maybe we'll all behave better next week! :)

It's a balance, I tell ya!

Relapse, Remorse & Respect

This weekend, I got sleepy, sloppy, and comfortable and as a result acted foolishly, arrogantly and disrespectfully.  Very embarrassing.  Proof that the moment I start to think I have something down, I'm probably messing it up in that same breath.

Due to recent events in my own attitude, today I'm skipping to chapter 12, "R-E-S-P-E-C-T".  This is a concept that to begin with seemed foreign and almost made up to me when first presented, but has proven to be a pivotal need in my relationships, especially my marriage.   As a female, respect always registered as a synonym for something else like love or kindness.  It took me a while to really get that it consisted of attitudes and actions (even down to a few word changes) that could fill my husbands needs and ultimately give me what I'm needing as well - really change our whole life together!

-How do you register on his respect meter? One of the most eye opening experiences is to ask, "do you ever feel disrespected by me?" and then "what are the things I do that disrespects you?" Intentions count for very little in this department, I found out.  Regardless of what you intended or even thought you were doing, certain things can still be disrespectful and sabotage good things you're trying to do.

-Accepting him for who he is - This acceptance can feed an open spirit towards you, rather than shutting him down and pushing him away for who/how he is.  This is one of those things that I thought I did  (accept him) but really wasn't. Everything from being more like a girl, more like me to just being what I wanted, not what was best or even wise, I found myself expecting or demanding, none out of respect for him and all making him feel as though openness with me was pointless.

-Respecting your personality differences - Similar to the previous one, but it focuses more on taking those differences and allowing them to enhance your relationship. Those differences are part of what attracted you in the first place. Why do we suppress that?

-Choosing words wisely - As women, we can take the words men say and boil it down to meanings they didn't really intend. "It's okay" suddenly turns into "I hate it and think you are dumb for even suggesting it".  Well, turns out, much to my surprise, guys aren't much different. Certain phrases or questions can be triggers that send them into a despair of sorts, not that different than us.  The phrases and triggers are just different. The best example that I've seen in myself and Randy is this: I say, "Why are you doing it that way? This way makes more sense!" In my mind I'm just trying to help and share my 'experience and wisdom'.  But he hears, "You're stupid, certainly not as smart as me and can't do anything right on your own!"  This is especially where asking him what makes me feel disrespected is helpful because, if you're like me, you might be really surprised at the seemingly 'little' things that totally set them off.

It's kind of a heavy day for me.  I hate it when things get out of control, I feel like the ground I gained just slips away from me and feel no better than years before.  But I guess there is much to be thankful for in second (and fortieth and 100th) chances.  It is a beautiful new SPRING week that can hold many wonderful things. Hope we can find them all!