Feel What You Feel. Give Others the Same Privilege.

Throughout my life's education, one of the biggest concepts that always resonated with me has been how one size just doesn't ever fit all.  We don't learn at the same rates, we don't grow at the same rates, and a cure for one might be poison for another.  As a young mother, that was always evident when babies are starting to talk and walk.  We act as though it's a race or a competition, but it's really not.  This year has given us a concentrated dose of other people's lives (while ironically being cut off directly) and too often we still aren't getting the message that we're all different.  Many celebrating holidays this week and are coming from entirely different places emotionally.  We should never buy into the idea that everyone needs to (or has to) experience it the same way.

I have loved ones who have suffered great tragic losses this year.  There are friends who have gone through massive changes in their lives.  I also know those who are suffering financially.  Some families and relationships have experienced beautiful healing and growth this year.  There are those who are simply sick themselves.  Some of us are struggling with anxiety and depression.  New babies, sad divorces, exciting marriages, new homes, job changes, and great losses.  All of these and more have happened all around us this year.  

My little brother and his beautiful family moved back to our area after spending their whole married life out of state.  The past several days I've gotten to spend time with my niece and nephews that I've not really every been able to before and it has been wonderful! There were moments yesterday when I started to feel guilty for my joy simply because I know others who struggled to enjoy the days because of personal loss or struggles.  I know it is right to be content and joyful with my circumstances  when it arises, but I have to admit the pit of guilt I had to fight off just the same.  As I thought about that, I realized how often we strive for others to experience the world like we are, but usually fail miserably.  The loss anyone is feeling right now needs to be honored by those that feel it most.  The joy of reunion and family needs to be celebrated by those that feel it most.  Our lot of celebration or mourning will undoubtedly change from what it is today so there is no need to force it somewhere it doesn't belong.  We will all celebrate and we will all mourn in due time.  

Good deeds and painful trials both deserve honor.

As we live in a free country that recognizes our freedom to live a quiet and peaceful life as suits our needs, we should honor those in our life with a similar respect to engage the world as they need to.  When we start expecting everyone to adhere the same way in holidays, in circumstances or just feeling the way we feel, we are trying to argue with the beautiful design of man.  We are made in the image of God, but as we see the complex differences between one person to the next, it is clear His image manifests itself in a variety of ways at a variety of times.

If you're mourning, honor it with everything you have.  If you are celebrating, do not let it go without great joy.  If you are growing, lean in to it to get where you are going.  If you are broken and struggling, honor it and let others lift you up.  I would never expect an essay out of my 3 year old the way I might with my 10 year old.  Even two 10 year old kids side by side can't be expected to know/perform/think the same.  Let's quit treating each other with such ignorance, but far more mercy and support.  So, as you are closing out this perpetual circus of a year, feel what you feel, but give those around you that same privilege. We are not all in this together in the same way and that has to be understood and it has to be okay.  

1 Corinthians 12:12-27

12 For just as the body is one and has many members, and all the members of the body, though many, are one body, so it is with Christ. 13 For in one Spirit we were all baptized into one body—Jews or Greeks, slaves or free—and all were made to drink of one Spirit. 14 For the body does not consist of one member but of many. 15 If the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” that would not make it any less a part of the body. 16 And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” that would not make it any less a part of the body. 17 If the whole body were an eye, where would be the sense of hearing? If the whole body were an ear, where would be the sense of smell? 18 But as it is, God arranged the members in the body, each one of them, as he chose. 19 If all were a single member, where would the body be? 20 As it is, there are many parts, yet one body.

21 The eye cannot say to the hand, “I have no need of you,” nor again the head to the feet, “I have no need of you.” 22 On the contrary, the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, 23 and on those parts of the body that we think less honorable we bestow the greater honor, and our unpresentable parts are treated with greater modesty, 24 which our more presentable parts do not require. But God has so composed the body, giving greater honor to the part that lacked it, 25 that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another. 26 If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together.

27 Now you are the body of Christ and individually members of it.

Mothering is a Verb

Have you ever felt labeled?  Not in the good way, like 'Most likely to succeed' or 'Best Smile' but in the 'you have this one characteristic therefore you must belong in this huge category and are instantly nothing more' kind of way.  From racism to sexism, I'm sure we all are familiar with how not okay it feels to be labeled prematurely.  Since this is certainly my season of life, I've thought about how we label mothers.  The infamous mommy wars are constantly stirring up our insecurities within our own mothering and the judgement and bitterness in our perceptions of other mothers.  We expect others to validate our own choices and then resent everyone else's choices, especially those that would suggest we follow their example.  And we wonder why we all can't just get along! :)

Mothering or being a mother - in its truest form - is a verb.  Growing a child, giving birth, nourishing, protecting, educating, loving are all parts of mothering.  Mothering is so much something you do.  When we label each other and often ourselves - formula, breastfeed, cloth, disposable, work, stay at home, public, private, homeschool, crunchy, anti-vax, vax, epidural, c-section, and every other variable that comes into play in mothering - we are confusing the mess further.  Let's talk about IF you are mothering rather than HOW you are mothering first.  I've only had 2 children and the oldest is 5.  So at best I've had 6 years of parenting experience.  Science and best practices and trending methods of everything have changed since I started.  Does that mean I was an awful mother, but now if I'm caught up with the latest fads, I'm the best mom?  Riiight.  When you know better you do better. Except when you are bitter and angry.  Then we're probably not mothering well, if at all sometimes.

It is very easy to be angry with those that choose differently than you.  It is easy to build others into the big bad guys because they feel strongly about something and it doesn't resonate with you.  It is easy to carry a chip on our shoulder when mothering is different than we expected, but our pride won't allow us to change our minds about anything.   There are a million and 1 opinions about how to mother and of course I have my own, but it is time we focused on the fact that you are mothering for a while.  Because many don't.  Women choose not to mother every day.  From conception to college, there are women who walk away or stay and abuse - certainly not mother.  There are a lot of subjective levels of good mothering, but let's celebrate the verb of mothering rather than hunting someone down to evaluate their 'level' of goodness.  When the heart of a mother is in tune with doing what is good for their child - and not in fighting all the opinions of levels, then those levels will improve over time.  Being angry, defensive or bitter does not a good mother make in the long run.

Once the comparing, judging and defending stops, the passion for mothering well grows.  When you're looking for a reason to choose this option over that, there will be plenty of information available.  Until then, let me be the first to say thank you to the ladies who choose to mother.  There are a lot of ways to change the world, but there isn't anything quite like producing humans after our own living.  Thank you for the mothering that you do.

Why I Really Don't Like Birthdays

When I was a little girl birthdays consisted of a few basic elements.  A few relatives sent you birthday cards in the mail (ya know, snail mail).  A few friends, cousins and other relatives would come to your house and help you celebrate. There would always be a birthday cake, with ice cream (sometimes two flavors), party games and presents.  Because you were a kid, most everyone watched you expectantly, hoping you had a good time, liked their presents and helping you blow out all the candles.  By the time you crashed into bed that night, you had a birthday high that would last a week.  Or maybe that was just me. :)

As you age birthdays change of course.  For me it was ridiculous slumber parties.  Some have skating parties or bowling parties.  There's the infamous boy/girl parties.  Nowadays, especially for the emerging adolescent, birthdays are often about competition with the neighbors or cool kids at school, looking for the newest 'thing.'  And unless it's a major milestone like 30, 40 or 50, you don't usually get a full planned out party as an adult.  Adult parties are friends going out to dinner or just eating food in your honor, maybe with a cake.   

I have always LOVED my birthday and loved feeling special on it.  Sure, I was disappointed when a special friend or something forgot or didn't come to my party, but the ones who did remember and wanted to come to MY party, they made everything great.  Today though, with the internet and the vicious Facebook you are not expected to remember anyone's birthday.  This article proves how conditioned we are.  This has been a burr in my saddle for a while and reading this prompted me to get a few things off my chest.  Forgive me while I rant a bit.

I currently have 564 'friends' on facebook.  I know there are not 564 people in my life that are so special to me that I should/want to remember their birthday in order to express some sweet or grateful sentiment about their life.  No offense to the 400+ that I don't talk to, but we're not that close.  So here's my problem: If I am going to honor someone's birthday, I want it to be special.  If someone is going to honor my birthday, I want it to be special.  Facebook happy birthdays to me are not special.  Maybe a mention in someone's status or a direct private message, but the flood of one sentence comments on my wall, not so much.  And furthermore, with all of these birthdays I'm now constantly exposed to, I feel like I should especially acknowledge everyone and since I can't do that, I sit still and do nothing.  Feeling lame just the same.

Some will say I'm too sensitive or I care too much about silly things.  Maybe.  But to me there some things in life that are too rich to let pass by on the surface without really experiencing them.  And some might think I'm writing this for selfish reasons and that might have some truth to it, but not really.  If I'm not important to you, if I'm not a part of your life, I don't want or need your birthday acknowledgements and I certainly don't want a present.  Not because I think you are bad, but because it just doesn't mean anything. Like the birthday card from your dentist or insurance agent.  Big whoop! :)

I know that we're all busy and almost too connected with too many people, but I'm starting to think that that fact is a red flag to many other problems.  Perhaps the solution is in paring down the number of people/activities/priorities that we are glued to.  In trying to do many things we often succeed poorly instead of choosing a few in which to succeed at.

Something Worth Celebrating

Feelings are fickle and time is one of the only things that can truly test them for validity. And even then, feelings should never get the final say when there's plenty of other evidence available to the contrary. Still, when feelings work in your favor, it can be amazing. I guess that's why they control more than their share sometimes. This morning I watched the above video of Michael Buble's latest hit, "Haven't Met You Yet" and it made me cry a little, in the best way possible. If you haven't seen the video yet, watch it. Its worth it. The reason I cried is because most everything to song says, was true in my life. For a while there, I made some stupid decisions, seemed to crash into everything (literally and figuratively) and continually felt like everything was a mess. It was a mess of my own making, sure, but it seemed hopeless and ridiculous. Meeting Randy seemed like an insignificant event to begin with, but looking back now really did start a change in my life that is still bearing more fruit daily. The video is silly but so true to the heart when it takes an ordinary trip to the grocery store and showcases our dreams of someone, complete with a celebration upon finding them.

In my 3 short years of marriage, I can attest that somedays its not easy, its not fair and its not pretty. But somedays its everything you ever dreamed. Somedays, like today, I feel like marching down the aisle of a supermarket with a band, confetti and dancers - all celebrating that because of God's blessing in Randy, I am changing, growing, and far more than I ever thought I could be. Sorry its so mushy, but truth be told God has taught me so many lessons through Randy and boy life is good. And Michael Buble does an awesome job at pulling those heart strings too! :)