Don't Expect Life to Happen On Schedule

No matter your upbringing and influences, young adults have a timeline in their heads about when things should happen in their life.  Usually, it has something to do with what your parents did or what those around you are doing.  Truth be told, it shouldn't matter all that much.  But, oh how it matters in our hearts.  Career, marriage, success, kids, weight-loss, big purchases - the list just keeps going.  We put rich hopes and expectations on the future with only so much power to ensure them.

When I graduated high school, I had big plans, but more than anything I didn't want to be an old maid.  I wouldn't have admitted that, instead preached the opposite, but there's no point in denying it now.  I wouldn't get married until I was 26 and started having kids at 30, which in my social circles was older than most.  Since then it is closer to the millennial average, but still.  l have almost no friends that are my age (39) with a husband his age (4 1/2 years younger), and kids the age range of my kids 8, 5, and (almost) 2.  And it's fine.  I don't mean, it's fine but I'm super bitter.  I mean, it's got pros and cons and everything worked out fine fine.  It means that whenever I can get over my awkwardness, I have a lot in common with a lot of different type of people. When other moms (with older kids) can relax and chat, I have to run after a toddler, which is exhausting!  If I hadn't gotten married at 26, then I probably wouldn't have been marrying Mr. Butler and that comes with some pretty irreplaceable perks.  He carries all the heavy things and looks good doing it.  We can throw out calculus terms at the dinner table and impress our 8 year old together.  He builds me things, plants trees for me, loves to play with our kids, and wants to do what's right, even if he looks scary.  He's really not. :)  Whatever the complaints I could have about the timeline of my life thus far, they do not compare to the people that I get to spend my life with.  It's a no-brainer.



When you are young, there are so many influences that can push you in directions you don't need to go.  Trust me when I tell you that people are going to judge you  no matter what you do.  Marry young or old, no kids, a lot of kids, lose the weight, gain extra, work, stay at home, public, private, homeschool - I can do this all day.  The young, inexperienced and foolish people will judge you no. matter. what.  I have always worried about what other people think of me, but then I go off and do things different than most, so what did I expect? And then, I catch myself judging others the way I fear they are judging me! So, since being judged is a side effect of being human, then a fear of others' judgement should not make our life decisions for us.

Whenever you catch yourself criticizing the stage of life you are in and how it isn't lining up how it's 'supposed to,' remind yourself there is so much good right here, right now.  To bellow about where you aren't only prevents you from enjoying where you are.  I guarantee you that if you follow your imaginary timeline exactly, you will still be judged, disappointed and tempted to bellow about it.  Maybe you don't get into the program you want or you spend years in a relationship for it to only end.  Maybe you make choices with really tough life consequences.  It is so easy to give into the judgement and fears of not measuring up to anyone's expectations, especially your own.  But what good will that do?  It won't and you'll miss out on the really beautiful things that are yours no matter what.

Momma Worries & Holy Spirit Assurances

The shift from being a parent of two to three has been significant, to say the least. Not only are we outnumbered, but the required mental attention is an entirely different animal sometimes. Instead of just a mental burden of getting two children dressed in the morning, there is now a blind hope that you don't forget something or someone in the process.  Mismatched socks, neglected hair and ridiculous clothing are too often par for the course, whether we're headed to the park or a funeral.  The reality is much heavier with three that you WILL forget things.  The good news is that you learn it's not really that big of a deal to see last nights mustard on the cuff of someone's pants.  What is troublesome is wondering if you will forget something far more important. 

If you have siblings, you know that we don't all have the same experiences under the same roof.  And I understand why all the more these days.  To give all parents the benefit of the doubt, it is probably not because they loved one child more than the others, but how much life was crashing in on them at the time you were hitting a particular milestone.  This morning as I let the dog out, I glanced into the yard and was met by a dozen or more bright yellow and orange soccer cones and the remains of miss Z's outdoor kitchen adventures from yesterday.  I love that girl and her imagination! When all of a sudden fear gripped my heart for the things that any one of them might forget or never appreciate as they get older.  What if they lose their imagination and ability to have fun?  What if they forget the value of a garden or a walk in the woods?  What if they lose sight of who made the forest and gave them life?  What about all the things I remember to say to one of them but not the other two? What about all the things I'm forgetting? 

The whirlwind of this emotional girl is not insignificant.  At 8, 5 and almost 2, my nest is still full and my chicks are still my charges to guide.  The responsibility of being the strongest lighthouse (for now) showing them the way to God is so daunting at times.  I'm so thankful for them, but I'm also aware of how fast it is going.  At bedtime, J was asking me about the difference between high school and college which morphed into how many colleges are around Oklahoma and how they were different.  One day scholarships and programs offered are going to be all we talk about.  And by that time, this part of my mom job will be largely done.  What if I forget something and it's too late?

My panic and worry often gets the best of me for a little while, but I'm thankful the Holy Spirit doesn't leave me to my own devices for too long.  So, two things.  

#1 Wherever my children go, God will be there, even though I'm not.  It may not change my compulsion to hold their hand into every new room, but the Almighty God can and will walk with them providing hope and peace. 

#2 It only takes one person remembering what is important and worthwhile to remind others. The bonds my children are building right now can breathe new life into them when they are older and lacking.  It only takes one person with joy in their heart and a spirit of life about something to rekindle old memories and joys into someone else.   Not only is God filling in the gaps of my parenting, but He can use my other kids to do it! There is something about a shared experience (even when the details are slightly different) to raise up hope and new life.

My favorite pic of my Papa, J.D. and me at the Azalea Festival

My Granny Susie, my brother and I

My sweet Aunt Nell passed away last month and one of the best things that came about aside from celebrating her was the stir of memories.  Thinking of places and times that had long been forgotten swept me away onto water rapids made of tears.  The best part was leaving that place with a deeper appreciation for the very special blessing my brothers and I were given for being a part of this large family rich with all kinds of blessings.  Music, gardening, sharing what (little or a lot) you have with every neighbor and friend, and most of all a devotion and love for the one who gave us all things.  I could write a book - and I might some day - of all the exceedingly special and significant things surrounding this sweet Elmore family that I get to ride on the coattails of.  My grandparents have been gone since before I became a teenager and their precious home has been torn down and sold for a while now, but the diamonds that are still growing out of that small Healdton, Oklahoma house are becoming too many to count.  And like this momma fears for her own little cubs, sometimes we forget the value of being a friend to every man like J.D. was or the healing goodness of a home-cooked meal like Susie always provided.  Thankfully, you couldn't have known them without knowing the God they served for that love has flowed freely into all of their children as a constant reminder of what really matters.  They have given us all a wonderful heritage to hold on to and remind us when we get off track.

No person can ultimately control the course of someone else's life and I know that there are many unknown events awaiting my children.  But amidst dysfunction or tragedy, I can give my children the gift of a heritage.  Some of it, like the heritage I received from my parents and grandparents, is already set.  The rest is ongoing and that is up to me and Mr. Butler with God's help.  What a beautiful ray of hope for the fearful "What if" kind of day I started with.  

Mind Control and Thinking Matters

There is a lot of turmoil in our culture that tries to overtake our minds on a daily basis.  In our private lives, there is often a different kind of turmoil that we work to live amidst and rise above in our work and relationships.  Then there is the turmoil that is sometimes (or always) present in our hearts because of things like fear, grief, anxiety and disappointment.

When we don't have outlets to process all of these things, extreme reactions often occur.  Sometimes it is an outburst of anger or explosive posts on social media.  Other times it creates the beginning of disease and dysfunction - physically, emotionally and most certainly within our relationships.

I'm almost 34 weeks pregnant - getting very close to a really big day of celebration and change, a very certain bend in the road.  For me, the anxiety of the mind can overtake all of the good elsewhere in the body and control things for the worse.   That is exactly what happened with J's birth.  I was afraid and couldn't see anything else once the pain started.  Praise the Lord for second chances because I was able to change that with miss Z's birth.  I learned to get my active mind out of the way and the body took over - doing a much better (and quicker) job than I had let it do before.  In my case, the babies weren't much different in size.  The risks or lack thereof weren't different.  The difference was how I thought (courtesy of Blissborn). As I'm staring down this road again with a much fuller perspective (and a fuller plate), I can see how easily the pendulum can swing solely based on what is flying around in my head.  Knowing what I know now, it's my responsibility to fill it with the good and the encouraging things, rather than the uncertain and negative.

More than ever before we are struggling with disease and mental health issues.  After miss Z's 1st birthday, I found myself riddled with anxiety and drowning in poor health, despite thinking I was fine.  The road back to health changed me a lot.  If your thoughts and emotions are a constant struggle, then you especially need to consider what's going into your mind and how your brain is processing all of that.  And give yourself every opportunity to surround yourself with light and beauty.  If we don't do it on purpose, the ugliness and pain of the world can absolutely take over. Our mind can be our biggest asset if we treat it right.

-Point out great things (and not complain).
-Commit to a prayer & Bible study habit.
-Listen to beautiful things.
-Express yourself through creating - like music, writing, painting, woodworking, etc.
-Take time with nature.
-Gain perspective through gratitude.
-Consider lifestyle changes like exercise, food choices and supplement deficiencies.

Most importantly, talk about it.  Our thoughts and concerns affect us mostly deeply, but often we keep them hidden from most everyone in our life.  Find a person or a group where you can share your struggles.  Just getting them outside of your self is a really big step toward health.

In the Face of Fear

As a child, I took piano lessons.  I always enjoyed playing the piano, but I usually hated my lessons.  I had a couple of different teachers over the years, but none of the issues I had were their fault.  I didn't like the pressure of practicing and performing everything just right.  I knew when it wasn't right, but the more I seemed to know, the more pressure I felt to perform.  All of which added to the whirlpool of destruction in my mind.

As you know, I teach piano part-time and have played for my own entertainment off and on for the past few years.  By design I don't perform much.  Unless I'm 100% prepared, which doesn't happen often, I. get. nervous.  And not just a pit in my stomach beforehand, but do better than I expect-nervous.  I get - make mistakes you never make at home because hands are shaking and everything you try to NOT be nervous only brings more attention to the fact and results in more nerves-nervous.

So, for a few clerical reasons, a free grant paying the bill and Mr. Butler saying, "Do it.  I'll be good for you.", I am taking piano lessons myself for the first time in 12 years.  And, yes, I still get nervous.  Frustratingly nervous.  I mean it's a little (okay, a LOT) humiliating to know what you're doing wrong but appear to be clueless as I stumble around on the piano as though I only looked at the piece once over the past week. It's something that I have to seriously work on.  The main answer is that I need to practice as much as possible.  The complicated answer is that I have to structure my time differently and insist on my own discipline and for others to respect that boundary.   

Regardless, the reason I'm sharing this with you, besides therapeutic purposes, is to say that everyone has areas in their life where they should perform better than what they are.  Their experience and training should put them higher up.  They should know better than to stumble at such a little thing.  They should have gotten their act together by now.  We all have the proverbial 20 lbs of weight we should never have gained or the debt that shouldn't have spun out of control.  We all have something.  And maybe today you should face it, instead of avoiding it.  

I hate feeling like an idiot when I play poorly.  But not playing or running away like the little girl I feel like inside is the worst way to handle it.  It might be a really long road to truly face the skeleton you're avoiding, but I think it's time, don't you?  It won't be easier next year.  That's what you said the past several times and it hasn't exactly panned out.  I'm going to go practice.  What are you going to do? :)

Judge Dread: A Dreamer's Stumbling Block

Dreading things.  Dreading a conversation, a deadline, an ending, a big job, a rejection, a separation.  We all bump into dread, just like a dog underfoot sometimes.  Ever since my days in elementary school, I remember searching for the next thing to dread.  When it was far off, my body issued a sigh of relief!  Deadlines or in the heat of the moment pressure panics me quite a bit.  I just don't think well on my feet.

I do dream well though.  I've always gotten flashes of beautiful places, sometimes out of my hoped for future and sometimes from an Anne of Green Gables scene.  My heart lives to dream! So, what happens when the two parts try to co-exist?  Well, I dream up things to dread! :) Everything from fantastic scenarios where people ridicule me to all the possible events surrounding mine or a family members' death.  Ri-diculous.

Tension, judgement, assumptions and loads of dread can often billow up like smoke into notions that never really were there to begin with.  I'm slowly learning (sometimes it seems verse by verse) that the Bible says things for a reason.  Because they are true.  Because they work.  The things we allow ourselves to dwell on will change so much of our world.  How many fights or worries have you had that were based on wrong information - or worse, information that you imagined?

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. 

-Ephesians 4:8

And besides all of that, dread is presumptuous and divisive, even if just to our own selves.  Today, and most days, I need to be reminded that everything I need to carry out what is in front of me is at my disposal if I only seek and ask for it.

Act Hysterical and Give Up

I ran across this picture on pinterest and was struck by how deeply that notion is imbedded in my DNA.  If there's pressure, if things aren't in control, if others don't behave how I think they should, if (insert any uncertainty in life), then my brain wants to freak out and quit.

You and I would laugh at the ridiculous notion, but I'm not kidding.  And I bet, even if you're not this way very often, you know a few people who are.  Outside of the hysterical moment, it's clear that this kind of approach only makes matters worse, right?  But inside that stressful, out of control moment, it tempts to solve all of our problems.

I happen to know that so many people are struggling right now.  Financial worries.  Health crises. Relational problems.  Depression.  So. much. stress.  For you and those around you that tend to react this way, keep this little thought handy.  Post it in your house or office maybe.  Set it as a wallpaper for your computer or phone.  Let's see if we can keep the hysterics to a minimum this weekend and maybe even be fruitful!

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and self-control." 2 Tim. 1:7

Fear Factor

When you come from a family of talkers like I do, it's easy to assume that because someone talks a lot, they must be an effective communicator.  But, that is not necessarily so.  Doing a lot of talking could just be a lot of talking.  Effective communication involves one person accurately and clearly expressing ideas and another person listening and understanding.  Talking a lot may sometimes do exactly the opposite.  

Randy does not come from a family of talkers, but his abilities as a communicator (when he is actually trying) are far greater than my own.  As that has been made clear to me over and over, I've been trying to strengthen my communication skills by reading a book or two.  Today, I'd like to share with you something I'm learning about.

What makes you feel emotionally safe in a conversation?  According to Love Talk by Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott, we all have primary fear factors that, when not addressed, lead to walls coming up and communication completely breaking down.  "When our fear of losing what we deeply value increases, so does our insecurity, and that's when our conversations get twisted." Below are the 4 basic fear factors and as with anything, you may identify with more than one.

-gaining control of time (live in fear of wasting your time, complains to others to 'get to the point')

-winning approval from others (facts take a backseat to emotion of your message, do you like me?)

-maintaining loyalty (needs met through commitment and stability, fear change, value devotion)

-achieving quality standards (fear a choice may tarnish, approach decisions cautiously)

So, as I've mentioned  before, Randy and I are quite the opposites and this is no different.  My primary fears are that you won't like me and you will shift your loyalty away from me.  Randy feels the most at ease when high standards are met and he is using his time productively.  

How can any of this help you today?  When you're trying to communicate with someone, it's important to understand what might be sabotaging it.  If you start a conversation with me by telling me how much you don't like what I've just said or done, don't be surprised if that's all I hear and shut down from there.  If you want Randy to understand something and engage with you, don't spend 15 minutes explaining something when you could say it in 15 words.  See how that works?  It may not change your life, but it might help you understand people a little bit better.

I get shy when it comes to taking compliments and saying thank you.  Many of late have been very complimentary of this blog and some of the things I've written.  Every comment is appreciated and soaked up by my primary need of approval and words of affirmation.  :)

Mortality

Most people don't like to think about death.  I don't either, but sometimes I get caught up in it.  My vicious relationship with fear leads me to prepare for that which I fear - usually an unknown.  And in some ways, what's more unknown than death? From all sides, it just has a hard time feeling good.  Separation, loss, and all the unknown makes for a dreary disposition.  But, I'm on a 'let's deal with it as it is' kick instead of pining over what I wish it was.  So, in light of the reality that our life and the lives around us will one day end here on earth, shouldn't that affect how we live?

Whether you are thinking about your spiritual readiness or just what kind of regrets are you comfortable having, we have to think beyond the physical feelings of right now.  Will I regret all the time I spent on my electronic device of choice?  Will I regret those camping trips?  In light of the fact that our days together are numbered, is it ok with me that I've continued to say hateful things to my husband or gossiped about friends? And I guess this is what really gets me: When I look back on the life of my child's (future children) time in our home, will I be proud of how we spent it? Did my life teach him good things about God? Did we really live and love or was it spent near the edge of exasperation all the time?

I've spent a lot of time running away from things and trying to comfort myself with physical things.  And I DO regret it and have very little to show for it.  Now that January is gone and the season of resolutions is about up, I am convicted to spend less time on things that just tread water.  Treading water is wonderful in crisis or just trying to survive.  But that isn't or at least shouldn't be the state we live in continually.  I want to feel satisfaction and peace about death.  The only way I can see to do that is to live vibrantly and purposefully for God which includes living daily the things I want to be proud of when my life is over.

That Growth May Abound

Have you ever witnessed an accident of some kind as though it were in slow motion? You see everything coming and you want to scream or stop it somehow.  When I look back over some of the choices and decisions I've made, its as though I were a time-traveler and thought I could change the future and avoid accidents.  The trouble with that, as some time-travel epics illustrate, the mere act of trying to prevent sometimes is the actual cause.  All of my many years in college, my intention was to go after something I loved and felt strongly about. I did NOT want to end up employed in a industry or field where I did nothing meaningful to me.  Instead, I never quite followed anything through, resulting in qualifications that left just shy of any position most people were hiring for.  I have really painted myself into a corner.  It is true that I have two college degrees, a wonderful husband, friends, family, and don't forget two beautiful dogs.  So, there has been follow through at times throughout my life. But, when you foolishly in-debt yourself to a university for a tad more than a few bucks, doing something with your degree becomes important, if not necessary. 

Before the wailers and mourners begin, all is not lost. Today is always an opportunity to learn from mistakes and I'm already working on it.    My first lesson learned is to focus just as much (if not more) on working hard at something than avoiding all of your feared outcomes.  Either what you fear will never happen, which is the case most of the time. Or, your fear will happen eventually (death, separation, etc.) so you'd best get used to the idea now. 

Today I am trying to get rid of all fear by ignoring the ones that are silly and facing the ones that are my eventual reality.  The hope is that growing will abound!