White Knuckles and Clenched Teeth: A Lesson in Control

Control is such a funny thing.  When you lose it, bad things can happen.  When you demand it, bad things can happen.  Many of us fight for it only to (hopefully) figure out that we were trying to control the things in God's power and neglecting the ones in our own. I am very guilty of allowing someone else's actions - that may not even be about me, in front of me or to me - consume me and affect my attitude, which often works like poison to those around me.  Often in those situations, the right thing for me to do is nothing when it comes to that other person or situation. Just mind ya business, you might say.  Nothing good would come from me getting involved! And yet, I sit stewing in my reactions to it with white knuckles and clenched teeth when I really need to be consumed with the responsibilities right in front of me.

2020 will certainly be known as the year God reminded us how volatile our lives really are.  Certainly there are very tragic losses from this virus and shutdowns, but even those of us who have fared with only moderate inconveniences cannot deny how fragile our arguments are about normal life.  "I don't have time for that."  "I could never be able to manage that."  "It wouldn't work anyway."  Everyone I talk to has a few complaints for sure, but then comes back around to all of the beautiful blessings that they have experienced because of more time spent at home with each other.  It's not that I'm trying to sing the praises of a shutdown or make light of this virus' negative impact.  Those that live alone or are separated from family may obviously be suffering more.  What I am seeing and experiencing though is a revitalizing reminder that our families are important.  Not just important, but MORE important than the endless sports schedule, MORE important than a steady flow of new things, MORE important than whatever tempts us to neglect these precious years we have together.

On any given day, the semblance of control we think we have might be taken away.  The order we so intentionally planned out might get high-jacked by a natural disaster or an emergency Wednesday, as my mother affectionately calls them, where a Wednesday often find itself packed full of surprise fires that need to be put out.  Instead of getting sucked back into this control game (that is usually just an exercise in futility anyway), we have to stay focused on the things we truly do control every day no matter what is happening in the world. 

Things we actually control:

1.  The way we treat others.  Even if my resources are lacking, I can still be kind and loving with my words.  Yes, especially on social media.

2. The way we talk to ourselves.  The thoughts that we allow to live in our head are under our control (severe mental health issues aside).  We will never please everyone so it's our responsibility to decide to listen to what God says first and foremost and then realize the quality of our thoughts (positive or negative) directly affects our feelings and actions.

3. How often we talk to God and spend time in His word.  Praying, when done well and often, becomes as second nature as breathing.  We can control how much time and thought we put into our prayers.  Studying the Bible isn't quite as easy, but still with the never ending ways to interact with it  through our electronic devices, even those of us with the busiest schedule really don't have an excuse.

As the country gradually opens up and our schedules start filling, I really want to work on disciplining my mind to focus on what I can control rather than getting distracted with things I can do little or nothing about.  Pray for me, would you?  I have a feeling I'm going to be very bad at this! :)

Act Hysterical and Give Up

I ran across this picture on pinterest and was struck by how deeply that notion is imbedded in my DNA.  If there's pressure, if things aren't in control, if others don't behave how I think they should, if (insert any uncertainty in life), then my brain wants to freak out and quit.

You and I would laugh at the ridiculous notion, but I'm not kidding.  And I bet, even if you're not this way very often, you know a few people who are.  Outside of the hysterical moment, it's clear that this kind of approach only makes matters worse, right?  But inside that stressful, out of control moment, it tempts to solve all of our problems.

I happen to know that so many people are struggling right now.  Financial worries.  Health crises. Relational problems.  Depression.  So. much. stress.  For you and those around you that tend to react this way, keep this little thought handy.  Post it in your house or office maybe.  Set it as a wallpaper for your computer or phone.  Let's see if we can keep the hysterics to a minimum this weekend and maybe even be fruitful!

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and self-control." 2 Tim. 1:7

Who Is Going To Change the World? Maybe Not Me.

Every community (or family or relationship) has its frustrations and downfalls.  Worldwide or next-door, we'd all agree that change is needed.  Some days you can't help but grow overwhelmed by it all.  Maybe it's the world you're trying to change or maybe it's that close friend, crazy family member or everyone in-between.  Someone (my mother) wisely advised me that when I couldn't change things, maybe Jude could.  I'd never thought about him and my role as a mother quite like that.  The thought instantly broadened my hope.  As an eldest, strong-willed child, I'm used to feeling as though everything's up to me.  My responsibility to perpetuate good things in the world is still there, but it's not solely based on me.

There is sometimes an immediacy to wanting to change things and people.  To impatient folk like myself, it feels like if it's not changing soon, then change will never come.  When people disappoint  and nothing I do helps, maybe I'm not the person for the job.  Or maybe I'm just approaching the job from the wrong place.  I think there is enormous value in nurturing relationships that I've consistently overlooked.  The good (or bad) we do is often from a distance, 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon-style.   Our relationship with our children, how they grow and develop isn't just a box to be checked with "acceptable" or "unacceptable", but potential lives to be changed by how I parent.  What kind of people will my children be?  What opportunities will they have to touch people's lives and will they accept them with open arms?  What am I teaching my child that is preparing her to change her world?

Think of the last frustrating conversation you had where you just wished you could change someone.  If you can't change someone, then maybe someone you're loving right now can.  Today let's try to remember that every relationship is important and exponentially life changing!

Before we give up on anything,  just think of what God can do with willing hearts!

Control is Not Trust. Trust is Not Control.

Trust isn't really trust when you can control the situation.

Trust is defined as reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.

Control, on the other hand, is defined as to exercise restraint or direction over; dominate; command.

By its very definition, trusting involves relying on something.  Control doesn't rely, but actively dominates or commands.  This distinction stuck out to me the other day as I was considering a relationship where I had been wronged - lied to, betrayed - and was seeking ways to ensure I could know it wouldn't happen again.  I began to panic because it wasn't possible for me to know every situation and be in control of all matters.  And then it struck me.  If I am to continue the relationship, as I desired to, and build back trust in them, this was not the way to do it.  Eventually, I would have to stop trying to control and begin to trust.

My relationship with God is much the same.  I say I trust him, but usually that occurs simultaneously with my feelings of control and comfort being very high.  When I feel out of control, I struggle with relying on God.  Hence, I don't really understand what it means to trust God.  Because control is such a big part of my personality, embracing this new picture of trust feels like purposefully running into a thorn bush and letting it scrape you up.  Not a natural or even tolerable thing!

What has helped you practice an active, authentic trust in others and in God?

Feeling Controlled By Kids

When you become a mother, it's true that a certain part of your life is committed and controlled by your children.  Feeding, clothing, nursing to health and loving are non-negotiable.  But as life goes on and they find their voices, it's so easy for their needs to be confused with their wants/whines.  Then the conflict begins to grow - when do I take care of my business?  We've all heard it (and probably said it) - "As soon as I get ready to {insert personal task here}, somebody wakes up, wants to eat, needs, needs, needs!"

So, we can all agree that it's normal to feel out of control sometimes when children are involved.  The question I keep asking myself is is it always necessary? The other day Jude just wanted to be around me.  I needed to be moving from room to room or focusing on a task on the computer.  It was so frustrating that he couldn't be occupied with something other than me! Instead of pausing to look for some wisdom in the situation, I just kept resisting him.  It wasn't until I sat down in the middle of the floor with a task that he calmed down.  He grabbed a book and cuddled up next to me for a good long while.

This taught me a few things:

-Toys and entertainment are no substitute for human/parental interaction.

-Control is largely a concept in our mind, dictated by our attitude.

-Life with kids is integrated - parent things and kid things should frequently be combined, not isolated.

Some days I catch myself expecting J to be an adult and understand what I'm 'dealing with' and act accordingly, but he's a child.  He just understands that he wants to be with me and things feel better when he can sit down next to me, 'doing' what I do.  When I focus more on my 'burdens' or long to do list, I shove us both in the wrong direction.  If I feel out of control because he wants to be with me, that's my issue and attitude to deal with, not something he's done to me.  Why do I feel out of control?  Usually because I'm not managing my time well, I'm trying to do more than possible or I'm just nursing a bad attitude.

When you have children you are shifting life automatically to life WITH children.  That means both parties will be accommodating to life with the other.  Kids do kid things with parents.  Parents do parent things with kids.  Sometimes we just need to be reminded to balance needs with wants and check our attitudes at the door.  And equally as important, remember that the days are long, but the years are short.  He won't always be satisfied to cuddle up with me and a book.  Shame on us (me) when we don't drink in moments like that.

Eating an Elephant

 "How do you eat an elephant?"       

"One bite at a time!"

It is silly but holds so much good advice for every part of life.  This week I've committed to not only watering our plants first thing in the morning, but also doing some weeding.  It doesn't have to be tons, but some. This morning, though I wasn't that motivated to do it, I started watering and had almost talked myself out of weeding when guilt took over.  By the time I had taken my body to its limit, something amazing happened.  I felt so much better.  My backyard needs a lot of work and has shouldered a lot of neglect this year, but it didn't feel doomed.  And the thought that I would come back in a day or two and do a little bit more just energized me.

Emotions, just like Oklahoma weather, are bound to change if you give it a little time.  My habit is to tackle (or maybe endure) something full force and then when I stop, put it completely out of my mind until it becomes a fire again that forces itself onto me.  That approach is mere survival and is more like a spasm than anything and only reoccurs, usually worse. What I'm thinking today is that my emotional control is no different than weeds.  If I monitor my emotions regularly - not just when things seem out of control - I will find handling an out of control situation a lot easier.  I guess anything unhealthy or sinful is managed a lot easier when monitored regularly rather than only thought about in the heat of a tempting moment.

Little things and big things seem to morph into elephant size over night, in our heads at least.  Overwhelming tasks can quickly cause you to quit altogether because it all just seems too much to handle.  If we (I) would only recognize that the only way things get better is one step or bite at a time, real growth and improvement would be inevitable.

Control, Are You With Me?

Control is one of my favorite things, in case you didn't know it.  Being in control of things, circumstances, feelings, or even everything is something that I thrive with.  That, I think, is at least partially a human attribute so I expect most people feel that way some days.  And being in control - self-control - is healthy, good thing.  But, sometimes you lose it, through circumstances beyond your control.  Like this morning.  Evidently this morning I slept through our 5:30 alarm and Randy decided we needed to sleep instead of going on our morning walk.  That fact, no matter how much I might have needed to sleep or appreciate Randy's mercy on the issue, puts me behind and a little less 'under control'.

Of course that is a minor setback, I know.   What if you were injured, a family member is sick, you are sick (or pregnant like EVERYONE these days) and whatever the reason cannot perform certain duties on time, in the same way or maybe at all.  For us control loving people, that can push you over the edge!  In major or minor situations, you really have two options for reactions.  You can get frustrated, upset and resist the reality - which has been my knee-jerk reaction and gets you nowhere but further behind - or you can accept the reality and shift where necessary.  At 5:30 am, it is still dark anyway so we agreed to walk tonight after work, even though it will be dark.  I'm reminded of those who experience strokes or debilitating accidents where they have to relearn how to speak and do simple tasks.  Resisting and sulking only pushes success further back, no matter who you are and what your situation is.

I guess growing involves shifting.  If we're unwilling to shift when we need to, ultimately we're unwilling to grow.  Here's to a growing day!