October Reset: Friendship

I put off writing this October Reset post because it made me nervous.  Friendship is a sensitive and difficult subject for me.  I am not really good at friendship, yet I crave it like water.  I am motivated most by relationship, but I'm terrified of others coming face-to-face with my flaws and insane quirks.  So, a friendship reset is something I've needed to do for years, but it seems so deeply rutted that I'm overwhelmed at where to start. 

First things first I guess.  I love deep meaningful relationships where loyalty and authenticity are mandatory.  As a kid and through adolescence I usually felt deeper (or at least more loyal) about my friendships than the friends did.  I was always a bit of a know-it-all which meant not really a barrel of laughs, but got a lot of people asking me for advice.  And truth be told, who doesn't like being asked for their 'expert' advice, right?  But when the crisis was over, most would move on to their regular friends.  Before you think I'm throwing a pity party or something, understand that I have been blessed with some amazing people in my life where I've spent some amazing weekends of fun with. 

I seem to remember a crazy weekend with some beautiful Bradford girls that involved way too many accidents and emergencies, but made for some great laughs and stories.  Whenever the subject of no friends would come up, my mom would always advise us to look for others who needed a friend.  I remember a couple of sweet Tidmore girls recently back from living in Honduras for a few years that became fast friends at first because we all didn't really know anyone.  Teenage years into my twenties brought some really great people close to home that were the building blocks to so many adventures - Melissa, Annette, Darcy, Olivia, Brandi, Andrea, Jessica, Afton, Stephanie and I could just keep going.  

So, yes I was blessed with friends, but friendship is complicated and then adulthood starts happening.  People get real jobs, get married, children take over and before you know it, an introverted, easily-overwhelmed girl who was always scared to really put herself out there first anyway, finds herself drifting farther and farther away from true friendships.  Why? Because life for one thing.  If you don't see each other on a weekly basis, then staying in touch requires more.  If your timelines in life (if you marry, age of your kids, values, etc.) don't align, it requires even more commitment.  And then there is me:  All of that plus my life and kids taking up a lot of the limited free space in my brain.  I go to bed longing to be closer to people - to be invited or included in things, but figuring a random text message at 11:00 probably won't be welcome or bring me that much closer to them.

The snowball of drifting away from friendships is sometimes impossible to avoid.  When you have a baby (and then two and then three), your life has to change.  For better and worse, you have a new job in guiding that little soul.  Your priorities have to shift.  And that's a lot of what has happened to me.  I take my job seriously as a mom and before I knew it friends were changing.  And then I want to do friendship perfectly or effortlessly - both of which never happens.  So I tend to give up before I try because it can't be either.  Thus, arms length or whenever its easy, which can be really unfulfilling. 

So, a friendship reset for me involves starting over from this new normal.  This new normal has 3 children, awkward introductions, 40 lbs of baby weight to lose, and a mountain of things to be grateful for.  My desire for friendship to be perfect or easy always required me to be the perfect friend.  If I was thinner, if I was funnier, if I was more stylish, if I was a million other things, then maybe friendship would be easier.  The first reset truth is that friendship requires work and maintenance, things I've resisted in so many areas of my life over the years.   The second truth is that I'm not perfect and neither is anyone else that I might be friends with.  I have to be okay with both of those things.

This month has really turned a corner in my heart with recovery from the really rough first half of this year and my little racecar's first 6 months.  I'm feeling more hopeful and joyful than I have in several months.  Ladies, motherhood makes so many other things in life hard.  Now may not be the right season for seeking friendship beyond what is already available to you.  That's a reality that we must accept sometimes.  I've been a lousy friend on multiple occasions - and knew it - but just never seem to have enough energy or brain power to fix it.  Now my season of life, especially with the racecar being our last planned pregnancy, is shifting.  I'm not exactly declaring I'll be everyone's best friend in 30 days or less, but I am committing to the pursuit of real, deeper friendship.  You might not be in the right place for this kind of reset right now, but tuck it away for another day when the time is right.  Isolation and arms length is just not how we were designed to live.  

If you find yourself in the presence of an awkward exchange or a nervous invitation from me or anyone else, try to have mercy on us.  Even if we aren't your forever friend, you might be just the practice we're needing to not give up!

Control is Not Trust. Trust is Not Control.

Trust isn't really trust when you can control the situation.

Trust is defined as reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.

Control, on the other hand, is defined as to exercise restraint or direction over; dominate; command.

By its very definition, trusting involves relying on something.  Control doesn't rely, but actively dominates or commands.  This distinction stuck out to me the other day as I was considering a relationship where I had been wronged - lied to, betrayed - and was seeking ways to ensure I could know it wouldn't happen again.  I began to panic because it wasn't possible for me to know every situation and be in control of all matters.  And then it struck me.  If I am to continue the relationship, as I desired to, and build back trust in them, this was not the way to do it.  Eventually, I would have to stop trying to control and begin to trust.

My relationship with God is much the same.  I say I trust him, but usually that occurs simultaneously with my feelings of control and comfort being very high.  When I feel out of control, I struggle with relying on God.  Hence, I don't really understand what it means to trust God.  Because control is such a big part of my personality, embracing this new picture of trust feels like purposefully running into a thorn bush and letting it scrape you up.  Not a natural or even tolerable thing!

What has helped you practice an active, authentic trust in others and in God?

Letting the Notes Lead

There is something in human nature that compels us to put on a good face and act as though we have it all figured out.  In playing the piano, it's common to want to play a song perfectly the first time without allowing a few runs at it to figure out what's going on.  Many students work so hard at guessing and second guessing instead of taking a little bit of time to really understand what's expected.  "Is this right?"  "Oh, now I get it." All before they've really looked at it and figured it out on their own.

We all want that in life.  We want everyone else to think we've got everything all sorted out.  Instead of taking time to really see what life is all about, what a certain direction really means, we try to second guess everything.  Sometimes I can't go a day without dreading something, complaining about something, panicking about something.  How is that trusting God with my life?   I honestly catch myself trying to feed God plans like telling Him why this can't happen because that will result.  It's just
foolish.

With new piano songs, I still have to remind myself that nothing is too hard for me and just to let the notes lead me where it's going.  The parallel to our life is beautiful.  Whether it's through sickness, pain, struggle or blessing, God is trying to take us somewhere, mold something, cultivate growth somewhere.  It's us and our second guessing or micro-managing that gets in the way too often, I think.

Below are the lyrics to a beautiful song you might have heard.  This is really hard for me to swallow, but I  can't deny it's truth.  Who am I to decide what's going to bring about the best version of me for God?

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

In God We Trust - Do We Really?

Day 3: Why aren't we more thankful?  As a society we have more gadgets, more abundance, more opportunities - even in a recession - than just about any other period of time.  And yet our favorite pastime is complaining and demanding what we 'deserve'.

For my little family, understanding why we aren't thankful is key to growing gratitude because the why points directly to the problem.  Last night I was in a funk and being very hard on Mr. Butler, demanding and griping.  There was no gratitude or respect in my heart.  Why?  Really it was because I was tired and I wanted his attention.  Without thankfulness, we often are filled with ourselves, our worries, our needs and not trusting anyone, least of all God to take care of anything.  In this state, we lose sight of the really good things we could be doing in someone else's life.

Remember that we have a God to fill all our earthly needs.  Instead of holding tight to your little world, be thankful you have one and open it up to others.

What are some of the reasons you aren't thankful sometimes?

Trust Issues

I have trust issues.  I tried to think of another, more clever way of starting this post, but that's really the only place to start.  Even though Randy has proven time and time again that he wants good things for me, too often I don't trust him to fill my needs.  Instead, I assume (first BIG mistake) that he won't and then complain (which sometimes looks like nagging or throwing a fit, second BIG mistake) to him, usually before I've given him a realistic chance to even try.  

Even though the last time I was told "I don't want to be friends with you" or "Please don't come with us because we don't want you around" was when I was 12 years old, I think, I still expect that people are thinking it and just may say it to my face one day.  I get nervous talking to people a lot and often talk myself OUT of talking in the first place.  Or, because I'm nervous, I say something goofy or bizarre and then hate myself for the rest of the evening in expectation that others are disliking me.  There are so many great people I've encountered in my life that, to this day, I REALLY wish I were closer with, but I've not honored the friendship enough, mostly because of my own fears and they've certainly found more loyal friendships.

Even though God has blessed me richly in so many things and answered my fervent prayers in so many ways (far better than I intended when I asked), I still (very often) refuse to go to Him with things and even more refuse to trust that He really will work it out.  Instead, I worry, bicker within myself, try to control, control, control and then emotionally throw myself on the floor boo-hooing about everything being too much.  I know, it's pretty ridiculous.

So, I have trust issues.  And you know what I find so precious, amazing and shaming to me at the same time?  (So far) My son doesn't seem to have an untrusting bone in his body.  It's beautiful.  He's like his dad, in that, he takes first encounters to gather information, but once he's taken it all in, he's all smiles and friendly.  Today, I am trying to be teachable about trust.  Without trust, life is a very ugly picture.  I know it because somedays that is the only picture I see and it's ugly!  This great picture from my brother's wedding warms my soul and reminds me to trust, if no one else, God.  He's pulling the wagon so we can trust we'll get where we need to be!

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