White Knuckles and Clenched Teeth: A Lesson in Control

Control is such a funny thing.  When you lose it, bad things can happen.  When you demand it, bad things can happen.  Many of us fight for it only to (hopefully) figure out that we were trying to control the things in God's power and neglecting the ones in our own. I am very guilty of allowing someone else's actions - that may not even be about me, in front of me or to me - consume me and affect my attitude, which often works like poison to those around me.  Often in those situations, the right thing for me to do is nothing when it comes to that other person or situation. Just mind ya business, you might say.  Nothing good would come from me getting involved! And yet, I sit stewing in my reactions to it with white knuckles and clenched teeth when I really need to be consumed with the responsibilities right in front of me.

2020 will certainly be known as the year God reminded us how volatile our lives really are.  Certainly there are very tragic losses from this virus and shutdowns, but even those of us who have fared with only moderate inconveniences cannot deny how fragile our arguments are about normal life.  "I don't have time for that."  "I could never be able to manage that."  "It wouldn't work anyway."  Everyone I talk to has a few complaints for sure, but then comes back around to all of the beautiful blessings that they have experienced because of more time spent at home with each other.  It's not that I'm trying to sing the praises of a shutdown or make light of this virus' negative impact.  Those that live alone or are separated from family may obviously be suffering more.  What I am seeing and experiencing though is a revitalizing reminder that our families are important.  Not just important, but MORE important than the endless sports schedule, MORE important than a steady flow of new things, MORE important than whatever tempts us to neglect these precious years we have together.

On any given day, the semblance of control we think we have might be taken away.  The order we so intentionally planned out might get high-jacked by a natural disaster or an emergency Wednesday, as my mother affectionately calls them, where a Wednesday often find itself packed full of surprise fires that need to be put out.  Instead of getting sucked back into this control game (that is usually just an exercise in futility anyway), we have to stay focused on the things we truly do control every day no matter what is happening in the world. 

Things we actually control:

1.  The way we treat others.  Even if my resources are lacking, I can still be kind and loving with my words.  Yes, especially on social media.

2. The way we talk to ourselves.  The thoughts that we allow to live in our head are under our control (severe mental health issues aside).  We will never please everyone so it's our responsibility to decide to listen to what God says first and foremost and then realize the quality of our thoughts (positive or negative) directly affects our feelings and actions.

3. How often we talk to God and spend time in His word.  Praying, when done well and often, becomes as second nature as breathing.  We can control how much time and thought we put into our prayers.  Studying the Bible isn't quite as easy, but still with the never ending ways to interact with it  through our electronic devices, even those of us with the busiest schedule really don't have an excuse.

As the country gradually opens up and our schedules start filling, I really want to work on disciplining my mind to focus on what I can control rather than getting distracted with things I can do little or nothing about.  Pray for me, would you?  I have a feeling I'm going to be very bad at this! :)

When Life Changes You

Every stage of life brings about changes.  There is always plenty of physical changes that are normal.  If we move schools, homes, or jobs, our physical locations change.  If we are 'normal' our wants and desires change over time too.  But then there are crises or traumatic events that change you even further.  Returning to what is normal after that is sometimes not possible or not even desirable anymore.  The older you get, the more life may change you.  Is that good?  Is that the way it is 'supposed' to be?

I have an adorable little boy who just learned to walk.  He's extra adorable to me because he resembles another little boy who is now 7.  J and the Race Car embody two very different stages in my life.  One is newness, naivety and deep wells of feelings.  The other is bursting with activity, seasoned joy and determination.  And yet to me they are just two sides of a ball (another thing they share a love for).  This walk of motherhood has brought about changes in me.  This decade (plus) of marriage has brought about growing pains and harsh realities.  Shock and grief took hold of me last summer after a season of severe change. As it turned out, I had all kinds of emotions tied up in my sweet dog, Grace and when she died this final part of my shifting identity went with it.  Who I was when I first got her was completely gone (it felt like).

That feeling of change can be empowering and assuring, but sometimes it is unfamiliar and unsettling.  Or better yet, to me it is just overwhelming sometimes.  I feel loyalty to this person I used to be and the priorities she had, but the life that now is holds so many different things.  The reality is I cannot honor both fully at the same time and to try undermines it all.  So what can be done when life changes you and you're not exactly okay with it all?  I guess the same thing we always need to do when we don't like what we're getting.

-Accentuate the POSITIVE.  Be thankful about all things. Life is different and not what we expected, but that's not all bad.  Many of the things I dreamed of having or doing in my adult years are mine.   A God who has never left me without hope, a committed husband, healthy children, a taste of the country, many freedoms to do what I want.

-Set a Game Plan.  When things don't work out like you want, then it is usually time for a new and improved plan perhaps with slightly adjusted goals.  Instead of wallowing in what isn't, it's time to take what is and look for what it could be. 

The changing is never going to stop, so I'm told, but it is worthwhile to do it in as healthy a way as possible.

4 Things to Do Before You Give Up

We live in quite a complicated time, don't we?  Lots of corruption, violence, and circumstances we never dreamed of.  This week I had a hard time with motivation and productivity.  That mountain (be it laundry or a painful conversation) just seemed insurmountable.  

Good news, though.  It wasn't.  Insurmountable, I mean.  With my head, sometimes it's just a matter of figuring out what I'm lacking and my whole perspective will change.  Balance is everything, I tell you.  What I really needed was a couple of hours to clean, on a Saturday morning when the air feels different, just because it is Saturday.  I needed a little play time with my sweet girl and then to pass by her room a few times, knowing she's sleeping.  It all was beautiful therapy for me today.

Angry or bitter thoughts, bleak outlooks on the world can seep into our hearts and convince us that everything is futile and pointless.  To continue in the midst of controversy or struggle is foolish, you think.  If you find yourself here, as I have lately, here are a couple of things to consider first:

1) Check the Weather.  The weather affects us in so many ways.  How many days has it been since the sun was shining?   Maybe part of your foul mood is due to all the rain/snow/ice/heat you've had lately! Is a full moon coming around soon?  Ask any teacher, police officer or ER professional.  The full moon can do crazy things to people - myself included!

2) Check your Intro/Extroverted Status.  How long has it been since you recharged? Neglected our natural temperament's needs can do more damage than you'd think.  Just a couple of hours with no one to talk to or think about frees and feeds me in a way nothing else can!

3) Check your Fat.  Are you getting plenty of good fats and omegas (fish oil)? Adding this one element to your diet and supplements can make a huge difference in your brain activity and mood.

4) See the Good.  We easily latch on the bad, the worrisome and the ugly.  No matter what is going on in the world, there is still beautiful, wonderful things.  Take some time to soak them in before you give you to quickly!

 

What You Have Left

Life can turn on a dime.  I understand that more the more I have to lose.  We lose loved ones.  We lose positions.  We lose friends.  We lose the familiar.  But for every loss, there's always something left behind.   Don't forget about what you have left.  I catch myself obsessing over things that I've lost, the stuff that has changed. And if I'm looking back at what's gone, then it's pretty hard to focus on what I still have.

In death, we suffer emotional loss here on earth, but there are always the living left behind that can still be cherished.  In financial hardships, there are so many opportunities for growth that will far outweigh the pain.  In friendships that shift, move and sometimes leave, there are others that you need and need you.

The change is coming and always will be.  What we learn from it and how we keep going is what matters.  They added covered parking to J's pediatrician's office and I had to turn around a couple of times to figure out where I was supposed to be.  When I returned home I was locked out of my house and had to climb over our back fence - twice!  Change is bugging me today! But J is in perfect health and the pediatrician didn't have one bad thing to say about him! So, there is always a silver lining and joy in a gloomy day.

Embrace the inevitable and find jewel it's bringing you!

Are You Having a Rough Day?

Some days are just like that, aren't they?  All you can do is just go with it.  Here's to flexibility!

My Evolution of Exercise

When Mr. Butler and I started dating, he went to the gym regularly before class and he started dragging me along with him.  I hated it.  

When we got married, he would get up about 5:30 every morning to go to the gym before work and I went with him.  I still hated it.  

About 2 months before I got pregnant I committed to exercising more than I ever had before.  And I started to enjoy it.  

While I was pregnant I exercised as much as I could.  I regretted not pushing myself more before when I was able to.

Now, I can't go more than a day (I try to do something 6 days a week) without really missing it.  

Last month the NY Times posted an article about the mental benefits of exercise.  For the longest time I associated exercise with a path to lose weight and just a boring prescription for better health that you couldn't really feel.  It just seemed like punishment.  Now, even just today, exercise helps me think.  I'm sure part of it is having a kid and the toll it takes on your brain, but exercising decreases my stress, increases my mental and physical energy, boosts my mood and optimism, improves my body image (even when the image of my body hasn't improved any), and all of those things in part and in whole makes me a better person - wife - mother - friend.

I've often heard arguments against taking the time to exercise, saying our focus as Christians shouldn't be on our physical body, but our spiritual body.  It's true that our spirits are eternal and ultimately what matter most.  But the physical is either going to be a tool or a hinderance. If you have trouble focusing, remembering, staying calm, being positive or staying well, then I'd say your physical body is hindering your spiritual life and exercising could help improve and extend it.

I know as well as anyone how hard it is to MAKE yourself do something that you don't enjoy, that is hard and even hurts to do.  Just know that if you wait to start, it'll only get harder and the sooner you start the more you'll improve and benefit from it.

A year from now you'll wish you'd started today - Karen Lamb

Chick-Fil-A Could Change the World!

The other day I splurged on lunch and went to Chick-Fil-A.  I was starving, running late, running very low on groceries and my son was in great need of attention.  So I braced myself for a long wait or something negative to happen because fast food drive thrus are usually bothersome one way or another.

The first thing I noticed was the lady at the window.  She had been there the last two times I'd been there - which has spanned several months (we don't eat out a lot and Chick-fil-a is usually closed when we do - Sundays).   Come to think of it, the last time we had the dogs with us and she gave us some chicken bites for the dogs!  Anyway, she was super happy, chatting with a co-worker passing by with the trash can and proceeded to greet me.  I got my food very quickly, she thanked me for coming multiple times and wished me a very blessed day as I was leaving.  Left me feeling so good.

When I got home and had a chance to sit down with my food - a chicken strip salad - I was blessed again.  Not sure when the last time I've had one of their salads but I didn't remember them being so good.  It contained romaine lettuce, really fresh looking veggies (carrots, red cabbage, broccoli, tomatoes), cheese, and of course chicken.  In the bag was a packet of sunflower seeds and one of small croutons.  Maybe I'm easily impressed, but this made my day!

What if you were joyful about everything you did today?  What if you put good ingredients (materials, honorable actions, etc.) into what you produce?  There is so much ugliness in the world that it makes the really good stuff stand out even further.  This simple trip to Chick-Fil-A not only improved my day and mood, but I'm definitely going to be a repeat customer to the establishment and I'm going to prefer this specific location.  For those who own businesses, do you treat your customers this way?   It definitely makes a difference!

An Hour of Thanks

It is so easy to complain.  Perhaps it's even fun to complain sometimes.  Who are we kidding? It's fun to complain MOST of the time.  We complain about dinner, salespeople, your family, your friends, the weather, our phone service, traffic, pain, discomfort, but basically we complain about a world that isn't out to make us happy!

But today try being thankful for just an hour.  At least we have dinner, money to consider buying anything,  a family at all, a few people that actually tolerate us, an earth that has changing seasons, the ability to carry around a device that can communicate with others anywhere in the world, cars to take us places, life, awareness but mostly at least we have the opportunity to try harder and make the world a better place!

Join us for Gratituesday at Heavenly Homemakers!

What I'm Praying For This Week: Positivity

I have a hard time letting things go when they have impacted me emotionally.  If what you said/did made me mad, hurt my feelings, etc., I have hard time just getting over that.  One of the reasons is because of the way I process information, which is partially female and partially just crazy me.  My brain replays the worst and the best of my recent (and long-term) experiences.  So those hateful words replay over and over in my brain.  On the flip side, a compliment, surprise or special gift can send me instantly into sky-high celebrations. As a teenager, that stuff lasted me weeks - especially if it was from a boy!  But the negative seems to dominate my brain so much easier.  Definitely not a healthy way to live.  I'm needing some help pumping up the positivity!

Everyone has a hard time staying positive, I think. Everything from thinking the best of someone's intentions to sharing enthusiasm with someone's plans even if you don't care that much or didn't get to make decisions, positivity is needed to strengthen relationships.  This week, I'm praying that with the onset of Spring, that joy can spread into ALL corners of our hearts helping us let go of hurts and dwelling on blessings to come.

Philippians 4:8
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things.

Great Things About Motherhood

I've heard statistics about how marriages break up more often AFTER the kids come (even for non-adultery issues) rather than before.  During my pregnancy, I had a really hard time understanding that.  To me, sharing the bond of the child I was carrying with Randy was so huge that it was difficult to see what could become greater than that.  With Jude on the outside now, I'm able to understand better.  The outside forces that come with adding a person (or two) to your family are quite unpredictable and can act like the fire used to refine silver.  If you stay in it long enough with the purpose of purification and growth, you'll survive.  But, if you jump out too soon with the complaint that its too hot, then you'll have very little to show for it.

My point is that I get it now.  Parenting includes really hard days and stretches you farther than you ever thought you could go.  But I also have seen what a difference an attitude can make.  Have you ever wanted to prove someone wrong and that forced you to try just a little bit harder at something? I've heard some parents complain - at length - about parenthood.  I never wanted to be like that.  The way I thought was, if having kids was so bad, why'd you have them in the first place? I know, that's not a very nice way to be, but honestly, that's how I felt. So, having waited a while to have kids, I (we) were very purposeful about it.  And I was (still am) very motivated to not be a miserable mom.  I do understand where the overwhelming chaos can come from, but I also know that we often are what we set out to be.  So, to reinforce the positive side of this coin, here are some great things about motherhood.

- Since your choices directly affect someone else (state of mind, eating/nursing, way of life), motherhood is helping me be a better person, work harder and grow more than I ever would have without it.

- When even a half of a smile makes your heart melt, motherhood compels you to appreciate the little things and in turn increases your gratitude for life.

- Without any effort on your part, people are friendlier after you've had a baby.  Especially since we walked consistently throughout my pregnancy, our neighbor's are coming out more, wanting to see the baby.

- Though daunting to some, parenting is also empowering.  You are given the opportunity to make decisions - decisions that you think are best.  Of course, you're not always going to be right, but you get a chance to really learn that and then feel good when you are.  Maybe its just a control thing, but its been very freeing to me.

- No matter where Randy is, I have a part of him that I can spend the day with.  Makes me love both of them even more!

I am in awe of single parents doing all of this on their own.  I might have a very different discussion here if that were my situation.  But when you have help and keep everything in perspective, having Jude is one of the best things in the world.