When Life Changes You

Every stage of life brings about changes.  There is always plenty of physical changes that are normal.  If we move schools, homes, or jobs, our physical locations change.  If we are 'normal' our wants and desires change over time too.  But then there are crises or traumatic events that change you even further.  Returning to what is normal after that is sometimes not possible or not even desirable anymore.  The older you get, the more life may change you.  Is that good?  Is that the way it is 'supposed' to be?

I have an adorable little boy who just learned to walk.  He's extra adorable to me because he resembles another little boy who is now 7.  J and the Race Car embody two very different stages in my life.  One is newness, naivety and deep wells of feelings.  The other is bursting with activity, seasoned joy and determination.  And yet to me they are just two sides of a ball (another thing they share a love for).  This walk of motherhood has brought about changes in me.  This decade (plus) of marriage has brought about growing pains and harsh realities.  Shock and grief took hold of me last summer after a season of severe change. As it turned out, I had all kinds of emotions tied up in my sweet dog, Grace and when she died this final part of my shifting identity went with it.  Who I was when I first got her was completely gone (it felt like).

That feeling of change can be empowering and assuring, but sometimes it is unfamiliar and unsettling.  Or better yet, to me it is just overwhelming sometimes.  I feel loyalty to this person I used to be and the priorities she had, but the life that now is holds so many different things.  The reality is I cannot honor both fully at the same time and to try undermines it all.  So what can be done when life changes you and you're not exactly okay with it all?  I guess the same thing we always need to do when we don't like what we're getting.

-Accentuate the POSITIVE.  Be thankful about all things. Life is different and not what we expected, but that's not all bad.  Many of the things I dreamed of having or doing in my adult years are mine.   A God who has never left me without hope, a committed husband, healthy children, a taste of the country, many freedoms to do what I want.

-Set a Game Plan.  When things don't work out like you want, then it is usually time for a new and improved plan perhaps with slightly adjusted goals.  Instead of wallowing in what isn't, it's time to take what is and look for what it could be. 

The changing is never going to stop, so I'm told, but it is worthwhile to do it in as healthy a way as possible.

Growing Grace Is Hard

I was watching some friends' wedding video from earlier this year and couldn't keep the tears from falling a bit.  It was a beautiful venue and such a sweet reminder of our own wedding almost 11 years ago.  The excitement just starting out in your marriage is just one of the coolest things.  I wish so badly to tell my younger self a few things to save us from a few extra unnecessary fights.  I love my kids, but I can't deny the tiny longing to live that newlywed time over again - to do it better.  I think the perfectionist in me longs to keep the beautiful beginning to the marriage just as it is - beautiful and perfect.  We don't want the marriage to be stained by things like loss, fear, dishonesty, emergencies, weight gain, tempers, money problems, etc.  I just want that long, relaxed walk down the aisle to towards this guy who shared his heart with me.

Of course, that is the trouble with us perfectionists.  We have a hard time being glad and thankful in the imperfect moments.  The "life is about the journey" way of thinking is often lost on us.  Journey or not, things aren't the way we want them (aka RIGHT) so we're not yet pleased.  I had a baby in April followed by several large stress events in my life.  My body is extremely sensitive to stress, not getting enough sleep and change (so why did I have kids again? ha!) and the past month I've been working hard at solidifying a routine for school and housekeeping, despite having a 4 month old who hasn't mastered sleeping through the night yet.  My hormones have taken the long way to evening out, the battle between sleep and exercise isn't funny anymore, the extra weight is still hanging around and this introvert is finding it a lot harder with 3 kids to find true alone time than I expected.  Enjoying the journey feels like a joke or near impossible some days when the first bit of alone time I get (which still includes the baby of course) and before the rest of the family is even off of the property, my little race car dumps a bowl of (delicious!) homemade granola. While I'm cleaning that up he also manages to dump my water bottle on the ground too.

Sooo, whether it is enjoy the journey or enjoy them while they are little talk, my point is that it's way harder than a meme on facebook pretends it is.  Some moments it is pride that tells me I want to do everything or other times it is perfectionism that convinces me to be miserable until all the things are just right.  Neither of which are ever satisfied.  I don't have to rely on a ringer washer for clean clothes, my family's bellies are full at night, I have three of the most beautiful children (not that I'm biased) and I get to climb into bed at night with a handsome guy who just happens to be my best friend.  Despite the huge blessings we have in our life, sometimes it doesn't matter (the way it should) in the heat of the day.  Life is messy, heartbreaking and just hard.  There's always someone who has it worse, but there's also always somebody who seems to be doing it better that is hard to ignore.

One thing I really lacked as a newlywed - and still struggle with on a daily basis - is grace.  Grace for my husband, grace for my circumstances, grace for others opinions, and even grace for myself.  My passion and pride typically take me to one extreme or another, thus the name of this blog was born.  Sometimes balance is another word for the appropriate amount of grace.  Not overlooking sin, but not stamping out hope either.  The struggles of the middle parts of life seems to be where grace is being grown, if we'll let it.  It's so easy to judge others and congratulate yourself for doing it better (especially when you haven't yet).  Having kids certainly punches you in the gut some days.  But it seems to be for good reason.  Growing grace is hard.

Most everything feels better in the morning so maybe a good night's sleep is all you need to stay on the brighter side of things.  Or maybe you just need to write it down like I do to get the weight of it all off your shoulders.  Whatever you need to do, just be sure and do it.  And know that you're not alone. :)

Finding Grace in Social Media

One of the hallmarks of our culture and time is the effect social media on our relationships.  It began with the onslaught of advertising 60 years ago and now culminates in our friends sharing a good picture of their life.  Too often we believe the staged is real and get overwhelmed at the high standard OR we criticize the realistic only to comfort ourselves that we aren't that bad.  
You've probably read online about how only people in failing relationships post the 'perfect' pictures and gush about how great they are.  At the same time we also have a climate where posting anything could potentially get us in trouble, even if it's innocent.  The genuine person is guilty of something no matter what they do!

Don't get me wrong.  I understand that there are stereotypes in this world for a reason.  People can be ridiculous, fake, shallow and deceitful.  Still, amidst those realities are other realities that we shouldn't ignore.

Sometimes that picture of a new car or house is a lifelong victory.  Other times that relationship gushing is filling a great need in their partner.  That perfect photo of that perfect life might just be the best moment they've had in months and the only thing that makes them feel normal amidst a very dysfunctional reality.

One of my most favorite photos, but reminds me of so many conflicting emotions.  Photos can be deceiving, but really they are just snapshots - and that's not a bad thing.

I guess what I'm talking about here is grace.  I don't have to like you and you don't have to like me.  My choices may never be your choices.  You will undoubtedly think things about what I say and do that may or may not be right.  Still, when you find yourself about to spew judgments about others - how their relationship must be awful or their choice of staged photo means this or that - pause and look at them with a mother's eyes.  Or better yet, look at them with God's eyes.  See their pain or their struggle.  See their weaknesses and love them anyway.

I'm about to be a mother of 3 - a pretty daunting task - and over the last 7 years I've experienced a lot of the downs of parenting.  Being tired, judging other mothers, being judged by other mothers, feeding struggles, milestone competitions, jealousy, pressure to perform, pressure to do it all and absolute failure to feel good about any part of it some days.  The media and us regular people can make a big deal over anything and sometimes that ruins us.  Somehow we need to get to a place where my victory can be celebrated right along with yours even if they look vastly different.  So, try to calm down your feelings about what everyone else is doing.  Do good. Celebrate the good.  And just love them anyway!

Struggling to Submit

Last week, I had a really rough piano lesson.  Today, things went better.  An issue, though, is still at play that I must keep a handle on.  Nerves are the main problem, but the cause of that main problem was revealed later in the week.  And it makes sense, but it really surprised me.  The reason I struggle with nerves and performing under pressure is submission.

Selfie in Georgetown, CO.  He's a catch!

Submission is typically what you hear in the pulpit about wives and their husbands.  This submission issue is much broader than me respecting Mr. Butler.  This is submission to anyone and anything.  Even walking in a crowd at the fair, I practically refuse to be lead by someone else. Either I don't trust them to be right and/or I couldn't possibly face being wrong.  In a piano lesson (or every other role in my life), I don't want to be wrong.  Not only do I not want to be wrong, but I don't want to be thought of as wrong, unenlightened or criticized in any way.  Unless, of course, it was my idea.  Then it's fine.  But ultimately I'm still right.  See that?

Even when the entire purpose of an encounter (a piano lesson, for example) is to critique my performance, it still kills me if I don't execute well.  And with the amount of practice I haven't done in recent years and how difficult it is to find quiet time for focused practice, it's absolutely reasonable that I should struggle for a while.  Due to a series of events over the week, my refusal to be honest and humble with myself became painfully obvious to me.  All of the lessons about Jesus' humbling himself for my sake, when he of all beings had a right to be indignant and self-righteous never really fully made it into my heart.  I found my humility stretched as far as everyone else treating me fairly went.  Whenever that stopped, then my submission quit.  So yeah, I know.  It never really was there to begin with.

Facing mountains can force you to face your own struggles with more honesty.

I come from several lines of strong-willed, prideful, sensitive people and knowing something about myself doesn't make it disappear over night.  I do know this, though: I had a better lesson today.  I practiced more, so that definitely helped.  But I went in admitting and accepting to myself that I had a lot of work to do.  I was there to learn to be better, not prove I'm the best (which I'm never going to be anyway).  I'm not sure what this is going to look like or mean in the future, but I have a feeling that understanding submission throughout my whole existence is a key to pleasing God, no matter what.

And pleasing God has never been so real to me as with having a daughter.  While she may have some personality traits like her daddy, Lord willing, she will walk the road of a woman.  If and how she strives to please the Lord and demonstrate grace and humble beauty to those around her lies largely on what she sees.  And she's going to see a lot of me.  I pray that my heart will learn submission and grace quickly.

My girl

Great Things: Adopting a Shelter Pet

There are some things/people/ideas/causes in this world that I think are great.  Periodically, I'll be adding them to the Great Things page.  Come back soon for more great things!


Adopting a shelter pet:  The reasons to adopt a shelter pet are convicting and numerous!  The realities of most designer dogs and puppy mills are too awful to ignore.  The next time you start looking for a new pet, try local shelters, online search engines like Petfinder or simply ask friends and neighbors - isn't their always someone trying to find a dog a new home?

Our shelter of choice is Pets & People Humane Society in Yukon, OK because we have volunteered there and we found our Lizzie there.  Maybe you're not in the market for a pet, but are looking for a good cause to help or donate to.  Or perhaps you're looking for a place to do good volunteer work?  Animal shelters are always in need and always organizing new ways you can help! 

Our two beautiful dogs, Grace (black & white) and Lizzie (tan) are strong, healthy dogs who have blessed our family for 5+ years.  We have never regretted our choice in them and are thankful we were able to spare their lives!

As I have mentioned before, we have two dogs. Lizzie (on the left) and Grace (on the right. For those who believe dogs are dogs and have no people-like tendencies, just skip this entry. These dogs are stricken with personality all over and oddly enough one favors my husband and the other favors me. Just as Randy and I are not like the rest of the world, well neither are out dogs. With that said, Grace still seems to amaze me sometimes. In our large backyard lined with a privacy fence, there has never been a hint of them getting out or even wanting to get out. As weather and age do, though, wood can wear out after a while. In the corner, without a gate, a couple of panels had started to crumble and with a little help from doggy noses looking through the holes, they just came down the other day. So, what does Lizzie do? Nothing. She looks out for squirrels on occasion, but she has remained within the confines of our yard. It might be argued that she is just too big to fit through the whole, but I don't think so. She's big and strong. If she wanted out, she could make it through. Now, what does Grace do? She marches herself through the whole to greet the blue yonder of freedom never to be seen of again??!! No, she marches through the whole and stays just on the other side of the fence. Sniffing around at the leaves and the neighbors air conditioner, she doesn't even make it to the front yard.
Getting around to fixing the hole just hasn't been top priority, plus I thought I had scared her enough then to make her not try it again. Unfortunately, that was not the case. This morning Grace slept in until about 9:30. When I finally let her out, not 10 minutes later I called them for breakfast. Lizzie trots in, happy as a lark, but no Grace. Yeah, here we go again. This time I was mad. I had to go put decent clothes on, shoes and a jacket. When I finally opened the front door to track her down, I didn't even have to leave the house. There she was sniffing around the front walk, shivering the moment I opened the door. She knew she was in trouble. What possesses a dog to get out but not really get out? If it were me, I'd make the breakout worth my time and run up and down the street or something!