The Writing Spot

My favorite spot at my house is this little corner of my patio.  From this seat I hear a wind chime above my head and see the willow tree dance around when the wind blows. Being outdoors calms my racing brain and soothes the ache in my heart.  That willow tree is my favorite - it was one of the many things that sold us on this house.  Those trees have a way of bringing all of my soul longing feelings straight to the top. 

Today it stirred up feelings - no matter how foolish and untrue they are - that I was forced to trade one beautiful life for another.  I gambled a bit when I got pregnant with the Race Car because of my health problems after miss Z and as a result had a hard time with his pregnancy.  Now that he is here and a healthy whopping 3 year old, I thank God so much for him.  When the Race Car was about 2 months old, my dog Grace got sick and never recovered.  I was barely hanging on as it was just trying to recover from having a baby.  I've never loved a dog the way I love her and I can still weep like a baby when I dwell on it.  The hard truth is that it just felt like too much to handle and almost like a punishment or price tag.  I know that is not how life works, but on a day like today when it's the perfect weather for chasing frisbees (Grace was a leaper), I feel guilty that I can't spend it with her.

Anyway, this little patio spot is the perfect place to write because of how clear my feelings seem to be here.  There are a lot of reasons to write, but at the end of the day, I write for therapy sake.  I am a sensitive and emotional person, whether I like it or not.  I've spent a lot of years fighting myself about it because it always seemed to get me into places I didn't want to be.  Pretending the emotions weren't there didn't work because they would erupt like a volcano and ruin everything in its path.  Letting the emotions do whatever they want whenever they want is destructive to other parts of my life, even if it might feel good.  Some people have words for days.  Some nursing mothers have a crazy big milk supply.  Some of us sweat like it's going out of style.  And some of us feel all the things and can't help it. 

What I have found is that writing, for me, is the most efficient therapy for dealing with my feelings.  Just creating is a therapeutic process.  It's common to hear artists or songwriters talk about their art that way.  As a parent, I'm seeing the emotional sides of my children needing a place to work out their feelings as well.  The process of writing and then often rewriting or creating something new from that writing is fascinating and one that I spent a couple of years in college learning about.  As I explore this in my own writing, but also with my children, I would love to share it with you, so stay tuned!

Out of Context: The Importance of Breaks

Sometimes we can get so entrenched in our life that we lose the proper context or perspective we should be living in.  From a designated quiet time where everyone reads to a romantic getaway for a couple of weeks, we all need to prioritize breaks in our life.  It’s easy to make excuses because, well, life.  There could be several reasons why temporarily changing your normal seems out of reach.  Money, babysitters, work requirements, school requirements, and responsibilities of all kinds absolutely make it challenging, but no matter what the obstacle is, finding a way is worth it.  Teaching our children and future generations the importance of balancing work and rest is worth it.     

Anxiety, depression and suicide seem to be at an all time high.  Kids and teenagers are    mountains of pressure (and not handling it well) despite our culture of convenience.  The internet and social media have created problems we weren’t really ready for.  Well-meaning parents everywhere are looking for an easy solution, but avoiding lifestyle changes like the plague.  Just like the person who complains about weight-gain, but continues a fast food, lethargic way of life, nothing will change for the better unless you insist upon it.  Taking breaks – physical, emotional, and spiritual – gives life to our motivation and purpose.  Stopping the regular flow of life allows us to see it differently, often more clearly.  Distance away from the people in your life, even just 20 feet for an hour’s time can spark joy and clarity.

Kids, like adults, have varying rhythms and paces.  Now that my 3^rd baby is almost 3, I can say with conviction that every kid is sooooo different and that includes what kind of distance and downtime they require for optimal mental health.  Knowing them and how they really function best takes time and study, but it’s the only way we can truly give them these tools in the future. 

After a very eventful Winter Break, I learned a few things about breaks.

You don’t know what life would be like with less until you’ve tried it.  Less obligations, less outings, less distractions, less busy.  Until soccer season is over or that side job goes on hiatus, you can’t really understand what’s important to you or how your family might function (better).

The complaints you have about your job/family/house/life are often just the result of crankiness.  When we’re hungry/tired/sick/stressed/overstimulated/neglected everything feels worse.  Taking a time out to remedy one or more of those needs can eliminate the bulk of those complaints very quickly.  Like a child who needs a nap, we have a tendency to overextend and get shocked at our inability to live life calmly.

A break is worth just as much whether it’s on a tropical beach somewhere or on your back porch with the kids banned inside.  Every season of life has its limits and struggles, but breaks are still needed.  If you can afford to take a vacation – DO IT! If you have amazing babysitters – TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THEM!  If you have the chance to not commit to as much – DON’T FEEL GUILTY!  If you are bound up right now in life, then make the porch or the bathroom this amazing space where no one is allowed to interrupt for 15 minutes!

Honor those in your family by teaching them the value of breaks.

The Children We Despise

There is a trend with young mothers right now who scoff and resist when their elders suggest they are going to miss this season of life.  For the most part, all parties are well-meaning and the argument (if you'd even call it that) doesn't need to be rehashed.  However, it highlights something we don't talk about.

There are children or times in our children's lives that we find ourselves despising these precious gifts.  It's not that we hate children or wish them harm, but feelings of resentment or harsh criticism repeatedly bubble to the top.  We don't like it and in some cases would NEVER admit it (because that would mean being a monster who didn't deserve to have children, right?), but in the silence of our closets when deciding on which piece of clothing you hate the least that day, you can't deny the volcano ready to erupt around this child/these children.

Sometimes it is a personality conflict - sometimes those precious daughters are just. like. YOU.  Other times it's a simple problem of more energy going out than coming in and anyone needing anything from you becomes your enemy.  Other times a mom just can't seem to make sense of this little boy who is trying to find his way to manhood.  The reasons can be as complex and unique as the children and may not really matter all that much at the end of the day.

The most important thing to remember when you find yourself struggling to love these little souls the way Jesus does is that these feelings are simply a signal - a notification, if you will.  This bubbling eruption is telling you that you need care in some way.  Sure, it is also a sign that your child needs care too, but that won't happen adequately until your attitude and head space is right. We are just human and parenting is a lot in this fast-forward, social-media perfect culture.  If you aren't feeding your soul and keeping your perspective healthy on a regular basis, then of course overwhelming feelings of resentment are likely to set up shop in our hearts.

When you're stuck in a cycle of exasperation, remember this.  We all respond better when we feel safe, heard and cared for.  That includes you!  Do you have a safe space to talk when you need it?  Are you making more healthy choices than not on a regular basis?  Are you spending enough time outdoors, something that is super important to mental health?  If your answer is no to all three, you need to do something about it!  I read a quote recently about the quality of the fruit depending on the health of the tree.  As a parent, you are life-giving tree and if you are crumbling you are likely to sour those around you.  Do you know a parent who is desperate need of care?  Help them out with a free night of babysitting or going on an evening walk.  Something to help us get our heads on straight so that we don't turn into volcanoes! 

Real Talk: The Importance of a Safe Space

Real life - not staged perfection - is really important to me.  As a kid who got to grow up outside of social media, I can see how important it can be to see life as it is, especially in coping emotionally with our place in the world.  When we believe the carefully crafted photos actually depict the quality of relationships on the ride home or in the bathroom before bed, we start applying a standard to our own life that is unreasonable at best.  Social media aside, there is a lot of pressure to give the impression that everything in our life is great! Holiday events and parties are stressful for a lot of reasons, but largely because we want all of our insecurities and failures to instantly disappear, leaving only the best elements of us on display.  Some of the most iconic television or movie scenes involve sore attempts to deceive family into thinking the main character isn't single/broke/failing/etc.  Our culture loves a good hiding of the truth, doesn't it?

As a person who just wants to cut to the chase and have some real talk in every conversation, I have learned that not every situation can handle real talk.  Some people don't care.  Sometimes there's not enough time.  Some people can't handle that much reality.  But for you friend, there must be a place where you can have some real talk with real feedback that you aren't going to start a royal war over.  Why? Growth will abound when we can honestly process our experiences in a safe environment.  Without this real talk, growth just doesn't happen very quickly, if at all because so much of our time is spent trying to keep the illusion going that everything is fine.  So many of us are carrying around emotional burdens that quickly become too much, but we keep suffering and often cause real damage to ourselves and others.  It's easy to underestimate how important just talking to someone about what we're dealing with, but it can be one of the most freeing experiences you can have - especially when you are struggling with something heavy. 

If you are blessed with a friendship that is safe and honest, take advantage of it! Many people don't.  If you are blessed financially (insurance benefits or otherwise), take advantage of professional counseling!  There is zero reason it should have a stigma attached to it anymore because it is often as simple as just having a conversation about what's troubling you.  It can be no different than chatting with  an emotionally available mother that warmly invites you to tell her all about it.  And for those times in your life when there just isn't anyone able to listen, pull out some paper and pen and just write.  Write until the tears come and then write until there aren't anymore.  If you can't bear the thought of it being read or you don't want to keep it, feel free to immediately burn it.  The important part is that it is now outside of you and decreasing the pressure place on your heart.

I'm not a professional counselor (though I've thought about it before) and I do not have all the answers, but I'm always happy to listen when someone needs to talk.  If you need to chat or help finding someone you feel comfortable talking with, I would love to help you.  Rich or poor, young or old, we all just need help understanding what's going on in our world and inside of us.