Today it stirred up feelings - no matter how foolish and untrue they are - that I was forced to trade one beautiful life for another. I gambled a bit when I got pregnant with the Race Car because of my health problems after miss Z and as a result had a hard time with his pregnancy. Now that he is here and a healthy whopping 3 year old, I thank God so much for him. When the Race Car was about 2 months old, my dog Grace got sick and never recovered. I was barely hanging on as it was just trying to recover from having a baby. I've never loved a dog the way I love her and I can still weep like a baby when I dwell on it. The hard truth is that it just felt like too much to handle and almost like a punishment or price tag. I know that is not how life works, but on a day like today when it's the perfect weather for chasing frisbees (Grace was a leaper), I feel guilty that I can't spend it with her.
Anyway, this little patio spot is the perfect place to write because of how clear my feelings seem to be here. There are a lot of reasons to write, but at the end of the day, I write for therapy sake. I am a sensitive and emotional person, whether I like it or not. I've spent a lot of years fighting myself about it because it always seemed to get me into places I didn't want to be. Pretending the emotions weren't there didn't work because they would erupt like a volcano and ruin everything in its path. Letting the emotions do whatever they want whenever they want is destructive to other parts of my life, even if it might feel good. Some people have words for days. Some nursing mothers have a crazy big milk supply. Some of us sweat like it's going out of style. And some of us feel all the things and can't help it.
What I have found is that writing, for me, is the most efficient therapy for dealing with my feelings. Just creating is a therapeutic process. It's common to hear artists or songwriters talk about their art that way. As a parent, I'm seeing the emotional sides of my children needing a place to work out their feelings as well. The process of writing and then often rewriting or creating something new from that writing is fascinating and one that I spent a couple of years in college learning about. As I explore this in my own writing, but also with my children, I would love to share it with you, so stay tuned!