Strong-Willed Girls

I'm no expert when it comes to parenting or strong-willed kids, but I am/was a strong-willed girl and I have a strong-willed daughter.  It's a topic I am at least familiar with.  And I know there is an ugliness that comes with being strong-willed.  There are lines that the strong-willed cross out of passion and commitment to a cause and then deeply regret it when the consequences are painfully clear.  There is a fight that arises that seems misplaced, but so real just the same.  There can be bossiness, rudeness, selfishness and pride.  It all comes from a fierceness that just isn't taught, but was burning at birth.  And it is just as hard being a strong-willed girl as it can be parenting one, no matter how well-equipped you might be.  I say all of that to say this.  If you have a relationship with a strong-willed girl, know how amazing they are.  They will be the leaders taking the path less traveled by.  They will be standing up for the invisible and the fatherless.  They will make a way when it seems hard or impossible.  They will do great things.  Unless you don't teach them how to love and respect others.  Then, it's anybody's game.  

One of the big challenges with Miss Z (3 years old and the strong-will is fully activated) right now is how she talks to everyone, especially Mr. Butler and I.  She is fine assuming we are there for her pleasure.  "I need a drink of water!" she will demand.  "Mommy, you need to find my blanket." she declares.  It's a simple, maybe silly thing to you, but I know where it leads.  Where on earth do you think mean girls come from?  They start with a ring leader who thinks she knows better (has the best ideas) and can tell everyone how things should go. So, we're working on the polite way to speak to others and how we ask for things, not demand things.  It's not a huge ordeal but it's an example of how easily these strong-willed diamonds can crush everyone around them really fast if their heart isn't constantly tuned towards God's love for others and how that should look in our daily lives.

I can't speak from a position of success since she is only 3, but I know so many strong-willed girls and awesome mothers of strong-willed girls that have their own struggles.  It really is one of the hardest most significant things you can do simply because of the force you're shaping in them.  Let's not give up, but just remember the privilege and duty these awesome souls bring to us.

Twirling in her new dress

Even though she didn't really want to

It was her brother's idea

And I sorta had to make her

Doing some Yoga in the morning

Doing some Yoga in the morning

Making faces in the mirror

Commitment: The Missing Ingredient

As a child, I gained the reputation of being strong-willed.  In common conversation, that is usually heard as a bad thing - and yes it can be - but it is really a characteristic that most people these days are in need of.  Having a will that is strong is important, as long as it is pointed the right direction.  The struggle as a parent of the strong-willed is teaching them to direct it appropriately.  Being strong-willed against wearing your seat belt is not appropriate.  Holding firm with that strong-will in the face of hopelessness or peer pressure - very fruitful direction.

As an adult, my strong-will is no less complicated at times (I can be stubborn, hurt easily and inclined to hold grudges), but it has given me a great blessing that I never would have anticipated.  A strong-willed, highly sensitive, creative introvert is set up to find friendships difficult.  So sometimes the comfort of principles is easier to obtain. (There he goes, off to write that hit song, "Alone in my Principles"-That Thing You Do)  While I stink at maintaining friendships, I seemed to have been blessed with several helpings of commitment, especially when the principles are close to my heart.

I hate cleaning up.  I'm a lousy housekeeper mostly because it seems so futile and doesn't change the world enough.  That's probably the reason that I left the dishes on the table after lunch with almost half of an omelet left (that would have been a great snack) while I put the kids down for a nap.  Of course, when I returned Grace (the dog) is just finishing the crumbs up.  I was so mad, but at who?  I couldn't be mad at anyone but myself because I knew she is inclined to do such things and I did not clean up in a timely manner nor have I worked to train her out of such behavior.  Most of our complaints as adults (especially parents) is stuff that is changeable, but not easily changeable.  Sure we could do things differently to ensure a certain outcome, but frankly we're not that committed. And some things, in some seasons in life, aren't worth the extra effort.  If that's the case, great, but can we tone down the complaints about it?  

Over the past 2 years, my life has been full of really difficult challenges.  Not a complaint, just something to note.  Health issues, time management issues, financial pressure, and personality conflicts galore make quitting (or not even trying to begin with) the best looking option most days.  This past month, certain things have really started to turn the corner and I look to be decidedly out of the valley.  God is good and I'm so thankful for answered prayers.  In addition to God's grace, I think my stubborn strong-willed self has done me some favors.  I'm very committed to natural health.  I'm very committed to pleasing God completely.  I'm very committed to the health, education and good behavior of my children.  I'm very committed to the outdoors and all they provide.  If I wasn't emotionally bound to all of these ideals, quitting would be my job.  A professional quitter.  Because quitting is easy and life is hard.

As a child of the 80's, I've always been tempted to find the spot (job, relationship, method) where everything just flows.  If life didn't flow, then I must be in the wrong job/relationship/method.  There is truth in committing your life to God's ways and then that way will be blessed.  Still, in that commitment, there is mountains of work.  My intention is to encourage you to revisit the things that are important to you, the realities that you want for your life.  Then don't quit.  If this way doesn't work, keep at it and find another way.  It won't magically fall into place most times.  But over time with plenty of work and constructive planning, a harvest is reaped.  

I love that my son is learning to read.  By this time next year, he should be reading books all on his own!  I think of the 5 years Mr. Butler and I have spent reading to him and around him.  Imagine if we had only done so for a couple of months?  Good, worthwhile things take time and all-in commitment.  Everything takes more time than you're likely to expect.  Don't give up yet.  And next time you get frustrated with someone's (maybe your own) stubborn will, remember it must need to be pointed in a different direction!  

Another Strong-Willed Secret: Sensitivity

We've talked at length about my strong-willed nature and shared a few insights as I have taken a ride on the parenting coaster.  Boundaries, consistency and love are mandatory for success, wouldn't we all agree?  There's another secret that isn't widely acknowledged when dealing with a strong-willed child.  Most children that everyone would consider strong-willed (not just the parents in a moment of exhaustion) have the potential for deep anger and acting out, but what we often don't see is how deeply sensitive they are.

Being "sensitive" has all kinds of connotations with it, so let's define what I mean real quick:

1) Quick to detect or respond to slight changes, signals, or influences.

2) Having acute mental or emotional sensibility; aware of and responsive to the feelings of others.

This sensitivity can manifest itself in many different ways (physical, emotional, relational, etc.), but very often it is a real factor in whatever issue is being brought up at the time.  If you're ever hit with the "why is my child blowing his top out of nowhere?" consider that it might be some change in routine, health, relationship, you-name-it.  Don't for a second convince yourselves that this child isn't seeing everything!  The look on your face that says "I hate dealing with this" or the comments under your breath about how you don't have time for that - it all goes in and can mean something drastically different than just a parents exhaustion talking.

As parents or guardians, especially if we cannot relate, a child (who is acting oh-so ugly) being sensitive is usually rejected, ignored or at least overlooked.  Some may think there is no sensitivity at all, which absolutely feeds the fire of conflict.  Others might acknowledge it if they understood, but neither party have a way of communicating about it.

Intense emotions usually come from deep feelings.  Regardless of how right or wrong the feelings may be, that strong-willed child is feeling it to their core.  Dismissing those deep feelings (intentionally or not) will cause them to increase, not fade.  So, what? Are we supposed to cater and tip-toe because somebody feels something?

Not really.  But here's where the lesser experienced parent might step on your toes.

-Discipline does not require a parent's hurt feelings, looks of utter disappointment and words of anger.  Sometimes, especially when someone's safety is at risk, it can be appropriate.  But run of the mill tantrum or problem? It's just an excuse for an overworked, underpaid parent to vent.  And at that point, the lesson is more about how we feel about each other rather than the rule that was broken.

Before I'm misunderstood, consequences should be swift and solid.  The strong-will sensitivity will pick up on even the slightest loophole. So, I'm not advocating that we just be nice to our kids and all will be solved.  But the relationship between you and your child should be just as constant as their consequences.  Teach them to cope with their mistakes and accept their consequences, demonstrating that we can still 'be okay' even when things go really wrong.

As I consider my own reactions and behaviors as a strong-willed child AND looking at my son's strong-willed tendencies, I am regularly convicted by the advice my mother received upon questioning if there was something wrong with me.  Her chiropractor at the time said this,

"She's not sick, she's strong-willed.  She needs the level of discipline (& consistency) as she would receive in a monastery, but an EQUAL amount of love."

That love means patience, it means gentleness, it means the security of a relationship alongside the boundaries of a fortress!  And it is so hard. As parents we get tired, frustrated and isolated in our feelings of responsibility and pressure to make it all work.  With strong-willed personalities, it's only magnified.  It helps to remember that all the fights and ugliness can easily originate in a sensitive little heart that hasn't learned what to do with it yet.  Let's all strive to teach how to cope instead of demonstrating how to react.

Parenting: Lessons From the Field

As I've mentioned before, I was (am - you never really grow out of it) a strong-willed child.  Mr. Butler is a really strong personality, but not necessarily strong-willed in the sense of resistance and negative behavior.  So, when baby Butler came along we've all just waited with anticipation to see what the result would be!

J is definitely one to get his feelings deeply hurt (he gets that from me) at the sign of NO, but he's also one to let it go pretty quickly if we don't feed into it (he gets that from his dad).  So, he has thrown a few royal fits, but we're not strong-willed certified yet.  Yesterday, though, was certainly a step in that direction.

J had been fed, changed and been playing.  I sat down at the piano with a set plan and needed to complete it - approximately 12-15 minutes worth.  As soon as I started playing, he rushed in there to apparently squash all the good intentions I had just mustered up! :)  He instantly started fussing and pushing his way between the piano bench and piano.  After about a minute of trying to ignore him, it became obvious that he would not get bored and move on.

It quickly felt like a moment to put my foot down.  He was fine and I needed to do this.  So I did the most logical thing I could think of (ha!) and propped my foot on the edge of the piano in such a way so that he could not reach the keys or crawl under anything. He didn't like this at all - not. at. all.  But since I could easily still play and keep him back, I continued.  About 3 times I had to pick him and set him in the hall.  Then it was getting ridiculous (because playing the piano with one leg propped up isn't silly enough) and I took him all the way back to his room, telling him that if he needed to cry or throw a fit to do it in here, but that he needed to calm himself down one way or another.  I gave him his pacifier and blanket and left.

I went back to the piano and finished my work.  There was silence after a while and I reached a stopping point.  The scene I came to in his room was certainly photo worthy, but I didn't take the time.  He had curled up in front of the rocking chair in his room on his blanket and was just laying there.  Not asleep, not crying, just resting.  When I walked in he didn't scramble up to me or even lift his head.  His eyes turned to me and smiled.  I picked him up, rocked him, read a few books, prayed with him and put him down for a nap.

Victory!  One of the challenges of a strong-willed person early on is requiring them to soothe themselves and accept NO.  I still struggle with both.  This incident was a good example of how to discipline -consistently, not out of emotion, capped with love.  I'm sharing this because so often it doesn't look like this.  My emotion sky-rockets and the discipline comes from anger.  Checking myself BEFORE I start yelling out orders seems to melt all of the "bad parenting" away.  Now if I can do it again and prove yesterday wasn't just a fluke!

A Strong-Willed Secret

A popular post from the archives:

For those who are not strong-willed or have never dealt with a strong-willed child, you may not know what I'm talking about.  And if that is the case with you, be thankful.  Now those of you familiar with a strong-willed personality, here are a few confessions.

The 'will' that is so strong, at least in myself, is often misdirected because of my emotions. Reason gets blinded by the fierceness of how I feel at the moment of conflict. Instead of being a 'never quit' kind of will, it results in an escalating kind that desperately seeks the soothing of the emotional desire.  In other words, I tend to not stop until I get my way, which isn't a noble victory usually.

As any mother will tell you, the hormones flooding your body after giving birth can be overwhelming once the initial excitement dies down.  Adding hormones to an already emotional person can be destructive and especially difficult on those close by (like a spouse).  Adjusting to Jude has been pretty easy, but my dealings with myself have gotten a little out of hand.  The perfectionistic streak took hold pretty quickly, wanting to 'master' the new rhythm of having a baby in the house before I start teaching piano again in a few weeks.  Long story short, I was driving Randy crazy!

This last week Randy was sick and a man of even fewer words than normal.  Once he finally felt better this weekend, he let me know a few things.  Now, these conversations were not enjoyable by either one of us, least of all me.  I DESPISE being told what I'm doing wrong.  He called me on some emotional games I was playing and childish reactions that I wasn't and shouldn't be proud of.  This didn't just happen once either.  At least 2 or 3 different conversations over the course of 2 days were had.  Why am I even talking about this?

Even though my strong-will is like a tornado sometimes, when I have limits there is an amazing calm that replaces the storm.  The presence of rules and boundaries that are enforced and I am held to gives me peace.  As a result, I had a fabulous day yesterday and have already accomplished (with joy) so much today! Randy created and consistently enforced standards for my behavior (reactions, etc.) and even though it wasn't a fun experience for either of us, it has had amazing results.

Everybody's different, but from the heart of a very strong-willed child, let me tell you: Consistency, structure, limits, and boundaries brings peace, joy and security.

A Strong-Willed Secret

A popular post from the archives:


For those who are not strong-willed or have never dealt with a strong-willed child, you may not know what I'm talking about.  And if that is the case with you, be thankful.  Now those of you familiar with a strong-willed personality, here are a few confessions.

The 'will' that is so strong, at least in myself, is often misdirected because of my emotions. Reason gets blinded by the fierceness of how I feel at the moment of conflict. Instead of being a 'never quit' kind of will, it results in an escalating kind that desperately seeks the soothing of the emotional desire.  In other words, I tend to not stop until I get my way, which isn't a noble victory usually.

As any mother will tell you, the hormones flooding your body after giving birth can be overwhelming once the initial excitement dies down.  Adding hormones to an already emotional person can be destructive and especially difficult on those close by (like a spouse).  Adjusting to Jude has been pretty easy, but my dealings with myself have gotten a little out of hand.  The perfectionistic streak took hold pretty quickly, wanting to 'master' the new rhythm of having a baby in the house before I start teaching piano again in a few weeks.  Long story short, I was driving Randy crazy!

This last week Randy was sick and a man of even fewer words than normal.  Once he finally felt better this weekend, he let me know a few things.  Now, these conversations were not enjoyable by either one of us, least of all me.  I DESPISE being told what I'm doing wrong.  He called me on some emotional games I was playing and childish reactions that I wasn't and shouldn't be proud of.  This didn't just happen once either.  At least 2 or 3 different conversations over the course of 2 days were had.  Why am I even talking about this?

Even though my strong-will is like a tornado sometimes, when I have limits there is an amazing calm that replaces the storm.  The presence of rules and boundaries that are enforced and I am held to gives me peace.  As a result, I had a fabulous day yesterday and have already accomplished (with joy) so much today! Randy created and consistently enforced standards for my behavior (reactions, etc.) and even though it wasn't a fun experience for either of us, it has had amazing results.

Everybody's different, but from the heart of a very strong-willed child, let me tell you: Consistency, structure, limits, and boundaries brings peace, joy and security.