Beginning Again

In two days, my daughter will be 2 weeks old and what feels like the longest month this year will be coming to an end.  All month long, our household has felt in slow motion and fast forward simultaneously, so much happening while doing absolutely nothing! We've been surprised, overwhelmed and so blessed this past month - and now it's time to begin again.

My handsome and oh-so-active Jude is ready to dive into 'school' again, since we've been lacking quite a bit lately.  My precious Zoey is beginning everything! Mr. Butler will go back to school in a few weeks, beginning his final year of graduate school.  If I can get the hang of being a mother of two, I should begin teaching piano lessons not too long after that.  Lots of beginnings.

Beginning something for the first time can be scary.  There's just a lot you don't know until you start doing.  Beginning again is a little different.  There might be more pressure because you have been here before and often the standards or goals are placed a little higher.  At least that's a little bit what I'm feeling as I gear up for all of this.  What I'm finding, already, is that no matter what I'm trying to accomplish, I still have to do the work.  There's no room for impatience or giving up too soon.

As we all begin some things again in the next few weeks, let us be reminded of the beauty of beginnings and throw ourselves into really living the days - even if it feels like a rerun.  Every day will be flawed somehow, but at the same time those flaws bring us to new places that ultimately bring growth we couldn't touch otherwise.

Why I Never Wanted To Have a Daughter

When I was pregnant the first time, I really, really didn't want a girl.  I get boys.  Girls? Not so much.  Girls are complicated and I could barely handle my own complicated girl-ness, so how could I raise one just like me?  I expected God would tell me to get over it and give me a girl anyway, but He didn't.  And, for sure, I love my boy - jumping, noisy, dirt and all!  But as I sit on the verge of having another baby (that might be a girl), I'm game for anything this time around.  I am starting to understand a little bit better why having a daughter was so unappealing at first.

I've always heard a story about me and my great aunt Sally sitting with me as I color and asking me what my favorite color was.  My response? "Black."  And no joke, for the first half of my life, black was the dominant color.  The typical pink or purple response was revolting to me.  I also hated things like tights and lace - mostly because they bothered my skin, but it quickly became difficult to distinguish between the items and the frilliness they represented!  I'm not certain that this ever happened, but in my mind I asked my parents for cars (with ramps and all) and they refused.  Perhaps I never actually asked for them, but I felt gipped just the same.  I just didn't like the typical girl things.  Dolls seemed dumb.  I didn't get the princess 'persona'.  And, frankly, most girls seemed so dramatic and not like me.  (Yes, I understand some who know me might object to the idea that I was in no way dramatic, but just go with it!)

I'm sure there a lot of reasons for the differences I felt, but a general reason is that society didn't readily offer other acceptable options for girls.  Clothes, toys, colors - if you picked the wrong ones, it said something about you that seemed threatening and irreversible.  In my heart, I knew that it just didn't matter, but the fact that so many people couldn't see that, made me mad.  That resulted in subtle rebellion, like never wearing the color pink or not ever playing with barbies by choice.

As my husband reminded me this morning, in most ways I'm living the life I always wanted: married, homemaker, mother, freedom to create as I wish.  Sounds pretty typical for a girl.  So, don't get me wrong, I'm not anti-girl.  Not at all.  But the girl box that I always heard and saw from other people just didn't feel like it fit me the same as it did everyone else.  Anyway, my point, and the lesson I've taken too many years to really learn, is that having/being a girl doesn't have to mean one toy or color or one (career) path - it can be all of them or none of them.

Have you heard of Goldie Blox? I had been told about them, but had never seriously looked them up until recently.  This is a video of the creator and her thoughts behind the toys.

Web edit - v10b-YouTubeUP-25k from Goldie Blox on Vimeo.

I don't know that I would have been a good engineer, per say, but I can see how this type of encouragement could have shaped the way I saw myself much differently than I did.  And perhaps this toy isn't the solution to all the 'girl' problems of the world.  It IS, however, a beautiful example of how there's not one kind of girl.  Don't expect it (whatever girl version you have in your head) from your child, but encourage discovery and exploration in all areas.

I'm sure princess play shows, just like boys will discover fighting and saving the girl, whether you encourage it or not.  The point isn't to polarize our vision for what being a girl is, but to understand that those aren't the only games to play!  At this writing, I am a few days shy of my due date and no clue if I'm having a girl or a boy.  It's exciting to say the least, but should I have a girl - I'm so excited to not feel boxed in the way I have in the past.  For all of you parents of daughters, what types of toys or games have you found that encourages your daughter to be more than just a princess, as their slogan says?

Your Problem Isn't Really Your Problem

Happy July to you! Here in Oklahoma, we've been given a marvelous gift of highs in the 80's all week.  After the extreme weather we've been battling, it's definitely a show of God's mercy and goodness.

I am currently 39+ weeks pregnant and playing the waiting game with the arrival of baby #2.  With this pregnancy going a lot smoother with very little 'misery' and everything appearing to ready and healthy,  there is much to rejoice about.

Since Mr. Butler has finished his first year (of 2) of MBA school and I've taken some time off from teaching, we're enjoying much needed time together as a family and catching up on the back log of to-do's around the house.  After the very full year we've had, this break is such a blessing!

And yet.

And yet, I still find myself focusing on what I feel like I'm lacking.  Since this baby could come any time now, I can't travel and I need to rest a lot.  Kind of lame when it's the season for activity and fun! Do you ever think like that?  My life is full of things that you might envy, but all I can think about is what I can't do and don't have.  Any new day, regardless of the actual events, can be a struggle - a battle between positive and negative.

Why Your Problem Isn't Your Real Problem

What that tells me today is that it just doesn't matter what your circumstance is or how much money you have.  The problems we focus on usually just aren't the real problem. You can be grateful and joyful about what you do have or you can always complain about what's missing.  It won't matter if today's problem was fixed, we could just find something else to fixate on and be miserable about.  The real problem is our response - a tone of voice, the amount of faith or hope, effort and attitude.

When I'm miserable, being told to CHOOSE to be content despite the circumstance is not that helpful.  Why?  Because I want my emotions to change on the subject before my response does.  Did you get that? We are usually waiting on our emotions to change before we change our response.  Unfortunately, it doesn't work very well that way.

Instead, I need to be focusing on the best response with the expectations that my feelings will change.  So, what's a good response? Gratitude.  What are you grateful for?  What prayer has been answered that was such a burden before?  What are you learning right now? Behave - respond - as though it is a blessing!

"And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." Colossians 3:17

Change is Hard. Change Takes Time. Be Patient.

No matter the category of life, there's always more you could do, differing schools of thought and degrees of commitment.  Students get it from all sides.  If you make straight-A's then you likely have no life experience.  If you work all the time, you're just greedy and have no ambition.  As adults in the information age, we can't go a day without hearing about a new study, method or concept that will REVOLUTIONIZE your life (and other people may or may not judge you for whether or not you embrace it!).  It's overwhelming at best.

It's often easier to change when you don't feel overwhelmed and see change as something gradual.

I will easily admit that I'm surely a greater part of the problem than the solution.  I believe in things like natural childbirth, debt-free living, a relationship with Jesus Christ, alternative health, and the list goes on.  All of which have cultish followings and droves are looked down on for not embracing all aspects upon first exposure.  I have my opinions right along with the next guy.  Yet, here's what I think so much of our society is missing right now.

No matter how right or revolutionary something is, change very, very rarely happens (and sticks) over night.

There are exceptions but most of us are so busy and constrained with trying to staying functioning as households that changes (no matter how good) are hard to implement, certainly implement quickly.  As an opinionated person full of motivation for your convictions (that I applaud greatly), take some time to empathize with (feel for) everyone you find yourself judging for not jumping on your bandwagon right away.  I mean there are bandwagons I could preach to you for hours on how important they are for your family and future, but I have a hard enough time maintaining the few I've committed to myself!  Is it because I lack conviction or understanding?  Not really.  It's called life that comes with restrictions like time, budget, and opportunity.

I'm so thankful for a time in society where healthy living and alternative options are welcome topics of conversation in a lot of circles!  It's not always been so.   Instead of spreading an overwhelming sense of doom (unless everyone commits to your cause), start loving those around you as much as you love your new choices.  We all want to be better, but it's hard and it takes time.  Let's try to remember that the next time we roll our eyes at someone's "not what WE would do" choice.

"Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification." - Rom. 14:19

Home: A Moveable Reality

Last week a massive, destructive tornado blew through a suburb just south of my home, killing 26 people, destroying over 3,000 structures.  It's path touched numerous people and places that I knew, creating in me a foggy experience of being a victim while not being a victim.  There are several amazing and heartbreaking stories that have come from this event, but the most striking thing to me is everyone's concept of home.  And how very, very different it can be.

A home is considered the place you sleep and store your stuff.  

Home is a family of people.  Or a significant other.  Wherever they are, you are home.

Home is felt in belongings: mementos of a life, of loved ones, of precious times; possessions that signify hard work and worthy accomplishments: things that set you apart, that fill out your identity.

The comfort and reassurance of home is found in a routine.  Laundry day or a favorite coffee shop. 

This past week so many people have been stripped of one or more of these.  Houses, lives, belongings,  and certainly routines are different at best.  What this brings to my mind is the struggle we all face in realigning where our home really is.  The apostle Paul said he had grown able to be content with little or with much.  To me, that says he could be at home in any circumstance.  Why? I think it's because he was at home, truly home, in his relationship with God.  And that relationship never left him as long has called God his home.

In the past 30 years of my life (give or take, ha!), I have been guilty of making all of these things my home.  And I'd probably add food to that list as well.  Home, in whatever form, is where we go to for comfort, security, and a protection from all that isn't going right.  If my day doesn't start the way I want it to, if a person doesn't relate to me or stay near me the way I'd like, or I'm deprived of things I want, any of these things easily begin to take priority over my relationship with God.  

It all can be taken away and "my only hope is You, Jesus" as the song goes.  It's a beautiful thing to take pleasure in the good gifts we are given.  It's certain that God designed us to enjoy our families, our homes, a great meal.  However, if I'm continually fixed on all that isn't my relationship with God, then I have no hope.  What seemed so important last week or the week before, suddenly is irrelevant in so many lives.  And in a lot of ways, that is a beautiful thing.

Pray actively and do what you can for the heartbroken parents and families.  As someone put it, God knows what it is like to see a child die and buried.  He is the only one who can provide the comfort needed to survive such grief.  And as for the rest of us, join me in recognizing how limited our 'homes' are and instead turning to God for comfort and security.

Phil. 4:11-13 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

When Nobody Cares

No matter your job, station or personality, there will be days when all of your hard work, devotion and love will be overlooked, ignored and left to fall into the oblivion.  And while we can all sit here and discuss the whys and the explanations, to the person feeling unimportant the whys don't matter.  At least not right then. What usually matters is the list of other people who are acknowledged or showered with attention.  The main thing the insignificant person can see is how little their effort seems to matter, unless of course they didn't follow through next time.  Then maybe there'd be a big stink, but mostly it would just be a reprimand of "do better next time" that seems to communicate nobody has time for excuses.

The days we are that person, in the throws of self-pity (justified or not) and desperate for importance and appreciation, what do you do? For some it's not hard to complain and ask for extra attention.  But that's typically not who I'm talking about.  For others, just bringing it up makes them feel like a heel, tainting any further attention that might come.  In that case (when you know it's at  bare minimum rude to say "Hey, can someone give me a round of applause please because I'm working really hard?"), what do you do?

Honestly, I'm not sure what works the best, but here are a few things that we can try:

1) Pray.  Pray for your pride and your emotional needs.  Pray for those that are not appreciating you.  Pray for a distraction, something to look forward to, or for the appreciation to just not matter today.

2) Revisit old or determine new goals for yourself.  What's the purpose of your work/effort/devotion?  Sometimes we get focused on the acknowledgement and lose sight of the purpose.  Appreciation is healthy and necessary for flourishing relationships, but shouldn't be the purpose.  If it has evolved into that, then maybe it's time to focus on something else.

3)Write down why you matter.  Make a list. Journal about it.  Tell the dog.  Notice how everything on the list is possible through the grace of God.  Then, find someone else and tell them why THEY matter too.

How much violence and permanent damage (to groups, relationships, etc.) is the exasperated result of someone getting their feelings hurt in some way?  Far too much.  I struggle with allowing my feelings fester into destructive reactions - to life, to people, to things I know are not the cause.  And if I don't find something productive (like writing about it or talking to someone) about the issue, I grow more and more reactive and destructive.  It's never justified, but it does give a context for how overreactive people can get.  Let's help each other by honoring each other's emotions and giving safe arenas to work through pain and human hurt.

Another Strong-Willed Secret: Sensitivity

We've talked at length about my strong-willed nature and shared a few insights as I have taken a ride on the parenting coaster.  Boundaries, consistency and love are mandatory for success, wouldn't we all agree?  There's another secret that isn't widely acknowledged when dealing with a strong-willed child.  Most children that everyone would consider strong-willed (not just the parents in a moment of exhaustion) have the potential for deep anger and acting out, but what we often don't see is how deeply sensitive they are.

Being "sensitive" has all kinds of connotations with it, so let's define what I mean real quick:

1) Quick to detect or respond to slight changes, signals, or influences.

2) Having acute mental or emotional sensibility; aware of and responsive to the feelings of others.

This sensitivity can manifest itself in many different ways (physical, emotional, relational, etc.), but very often it is a real factor in whatever issue is being brought up at the time.  If you're ever hit with the "why is my child blowing his top out of nowhere?" consider that it might be some change in routine, health, relationship, you-name-it.  Don't for a second convince yourselves that this child isn't seeing everything!  The look on your face that says "I hate dealing with this" or the comments under your breath about how you don't have time for that - it all goes in and can mean something drastically different than just a parents exhaustion talking.

As parents or guardians, especially if we cannot relate, a child (who is acting oh-so ugly) being sensitive is usually rejected, ignored or at least overlooked.  Some may think there is no sensitivity at all, which absolutely feeds the fire of conflict.  Others might acknowledge it if they understood, but neither party have a way of communicating about it.

Intense emotions usually come from deep feelings.  Regardless of how right or wrong the feelings may be, that strong-willed child is feeling it to their core.  Dismissing those deep feelings (intentionally or not) will cause them to increase, not fade.  So, what? Are we supposed to cater and tip-toe because somebody feels something?

Not really.  But here's where the lesser experienced parent might step on your toes.

-Discipline does not require a parent's hurt feelings, looks of utter disappointment and words of anger.  Sometimes, especially when someone's safety is at risk, it can be appropriate.  But run of the mill tantrum or problem? It's just an excuse for an overworked, underpaid parent to vent.  And at that point, the lesson is more about how we feel about each other rather than the rule that was broken.

Before I'm misunderstood, consequences should be swift and solid.  The strong-will sensitivity will pick up on even the slightest loophole. So, I'm not advocating that we just be nice to our kids and all will be solved.  But the relationship between you and your child should be just as constant as their consequences.  Teach them to cope with their mistakes and accept their consequences, demonstrating that we can still 'be okay' even when things go really wrong.

As I consider my own reactions and behaviors as a strong-willed child AND looking at my son's strong-willed tendencies, I am regularly convicted by the advice my mother received upon questioning if there was something wrong with me.  Her chiropractor at the time said this,

"She's not sick, she's strong-willed.  She needs the level of discipline (& consistency) as she would receive in a monastery, but an EQUAL amount of love."

That love means patience, it means gentleness, it means the security of a relationship alongside the boundaries of a fortress!  And it is so hard. As parents we get tired, frustrated and isolated in our feelings of responsibility and pressure to make it all work.  With strong-willed personalities, it's only magnified.  It helps to remember that all the fights and ugliness can easily originate in a sensitive little heart that hasn't learned what to do with it yet.  Let's all strive to teach how to cope instead of demonstrating how to react.

A cappella Singing: Praise & Harmony

Where our family worships, we all sing a cappella and are very blessed with a rich heritage of beautiful singing!  But if you've ever seen the show The Sing-Off, you know that it's not always the easiest or simple task to cut out reliance on instruments.  Several years ago, a series of CDs began production to help congregations learn new songs and part-singing skills.  Well, a few years ago and then again a couple of weeks ago, Randy and I got to be a part of the recording as singers!



It was certainly hard work and a sacrifice to leave home (and my baby) during this really busy time, but the recordings are such a blessing and the experience was great!  The two upcoming releases from Keith Lancaster and Acappella Ministries will be Mighty God - 25 contemporary songs - and Jehovah God - 25 hymns.  If you're interested in the past albums, check out Praise & Harmony.  And if you've never heard of the group Acappella, do yourself a favor and check them out too!  Here's a great medley of some of their songs.

Someone Else's Middle

As a parent, we are constantly asked to compare our kids to a standard, to the national average, even to each other!  There's not a week that goes by, I'm sure, that we don't wonder if our child is "where they're supposed to be" and up to par with other kids their age.  So, the concern is healthy and normal because if there is something wrong we want to and need to know about it.

The problem is when there really isn't a problem and yet we're pushing and worrying because we noticed someone else's kid performing a task our child hasn't even thought of yet.  I try not to be that parent.  Really I do, but that doesn't mean I don't notice things.  We got a hand-me-down train table a few months ago for Jude to go along with a new train set.  He was super excited about it at first, but as things went, he just didn't seem to know what to do with it.  I tried not to worry and hoped he'd get the hang of it.  Last week, before he had even eaten breakfast (which if you know him, you know he must be super excited), he was telling stories about the engines, putting tracks together and occupied for sooo long!

Yes, I guess, be excited that he's developing, but my point really is that so much happens on its own as long as the right elements are available.  Food, sleep, nutrients, attention, touch, love, time are all key elements that can inhibit development when they are lacking.  So, yes, in that way there is work that HAS to go into every child for sure.  But in the realm of 'first world problems', some of us get way too hung up on all the milestones and "how to prepare your child for X".  Give them plenty of opportunities to play with other kids, read to them like crazy, and play, PLAY, PLAY.

I'm continually surprised at children's development when you allow them to work at their own pace.  And, yes, though our society doesn't really practice it, that goes for adults too.  Instead of comparing yourself or someone else to where they should  be, highlight where they are beginning!  Encourage.  Demonstrate.  Give it some time. And then let people explore.  Who knows where we'd be if we just listened to everyone's natural pace.  

Looking for Love

Sometimes, whether single or married, we look to be loved by others, but grow frustrated and ultimately disappointed.  "Are we unloveable? What's wrong with me?" we ask.  And yes, married people are just as guilty of this as single - maybe more!

Consider this: Could we be loved and just not see it as love? Women and men define love differently.  Children are loved differently from family to family.  The other day my husband hadn't been very affectionate or wordy in regards to our relationship or his feelings for me.  One might say he's not loving me.  Oh, but did I mention that despite a mound of homework and reading needing his attention, he spent a large part of his time off digging a trench for a new garden all FOR ME?

It's often termed as love language.  Do you know your friends' and family's love language? Take some time to think about it.  You might be surprised at how much you really are loved once you get the language right!

Here's a handy resource for determining and accomodating a child's love language:

Not sure what your language is? Visit The 5 Love Languages and take their quiz to find out!

Treating People Well

We think it's about being on one side or another.  We are convinced it's about proving our point.  We are often fed a diet of panic, despair and emergency that should result in change.  I'm pretty sure we have it all wrong.

The world will be debating truths and campaigning for their view as long as it is still spinning.  There's no doubt about that.  And yes, I have my own view about what's true and what's right.  We all do.  Why we are so shocked to find others who absolutely disagree with us, I just don't know.  So, it's not about disagreeing because that has always been with us and always will be.

Here's what it IS about:  Treating people well.  Period.  Whether you disagree or are bosom buddies on every issue known to man, you should still be able to treat another human being well.  If your view of the world (and any little thing in it) is so vital, true and imperative, do you really think antagonizing or alienating someone will help them come to agree with you?

Human nature says no.  Doesn't make it reasonable or righteous.  But we just can't go around barking at  each other - no matter what we're saying - and expect change.  Most people, when they feel attacked, can't hear anything but their own defense.  When a person feels understood and valued, then they are more likely open to considering what you have to say.

You're wondering now if I'm in favor of ignoring the truth of someone's situation just to keep them from hurting.  No, we all have to hear hard things and ultimately it is up to us to either change or live with the consequences.

But we all know what it is like to be corrected with respect and dignity.  And what it's like to be bashed and brushed aside.  Speaking as a mother, there are ways to tell my son he is wrong that are healthy and useful.  Belittling, hateful arrogance is not involved and certainly doesn't do anyone any good.  Our world is continually changing and that alone can be really overwhelming.  But you know what?  So far, none of those changes has taken away my ability to treat people with respect and honor, even when they are wrong.  Don't be surprised when you meet those who oppose everything you're about.  Instead, look for ways to treat them well.