Balance: Where Emotions and Truth Work Together

Every stage of life seems busier than before.  I just thought I was busy when I was single. married. dogs. work. one kid. graduate school. two kids.  And to the judgemental perfectionist in me, it all sounds like an excuse. But then every week as I live it, I get more and more frustrated at my inability to satisfy all of my priorities.  Granted, one of my major weaknesses is organization and time management, but still.  As I improve, the tasks grow.  As I master skills, new ones are needed.  To a girl who just wants to sit and breathe life in, with no deadlines or requirements, the hamster wheel gets discouraging.  And yet.

To whom much is given, much is required -Luke 12:48 

I'm painfully aware of the countless families without.  Without safety, without health, without opportunity, without God.  And I have so much.  It strikes fear and hesitancy in me because of this part of the verse: much is required. Since I don't have a big hospital story or tragic relationship, shouldn't my contribution to the world be that much greater?  Some moments that idea seems preposterous.  Other moments, it's convicting and debilitating in the same breath.

I have a drive (probably half first born, half strong-willed perfectionist and all passion) to do things well.  Great, important things!  To make a difference! Change the world!  And then I trip over my big daydream into the pile of laundry that hasn't been done just in time to hear scissors being used (by the 3 year old) in the next room and the UPS guy ringing the doorbell, which of course wakes up miss Z.  At that point, grand plans fade and doing a good job today becomes the best I can hope for.

Learning what it means to run a household, to be a submissive and graceful wife, being a mom, and serving God in whatever ('little') way is presented are hugely, important things.  Some would argue that these things are the solution to our society's dive into depravity.  I'm not diminishing their importance.  I'm just being honest about how I struggle to require balance in this area. Either I focus on doing BIG things or I get bogged down in the small, daily things.  I resist making them work together.

Where emotions and truth must work together.

Emotion: I want to be a catalyst for great change in those around me!
Truth: If I don't do the laundry, we will start to stink and that great change will be the number of people who can stand near us.

Truth: You have no money and are about to lose all of your possessions.
Emotion: Gratitude for safety and health.  Joy in God's peace and promises.

Working together is hard.  Melding together thoughts and actions is sometimes very foreign.  How many times have I put my foot in my mouth and someone thinks, "Didn't she think before she opened her mouth?"  Nope.  Sometimes the two just don't coincide.  Unless everything is in agreement, working together means patience, give and take, and probably some pain.  Balance is necessary, Biblical and the most effective place to be, I know.  But just because it is a right thing, doesn't mean it just happens.  It's going to be hard. Just about anything we do can be a battle of what is (truth) and what we feel (emotion).

I still want to do good in the world - and maybe these thoughts can be a start.  I'm still taking my responsibilities as a wife and mother seriously.  What I'm hoping will start to be different is where they can overlap and work together.  The balance is in there somewhere.

Submission: Pitching Fits Like a Rockstar

Submission - noun - the act or fact of accepting or yielding to a superior force or to the will or authority of another person.

There is a lot that I don't know, mess up and get confused about.  And this is one of the subjects that just takes the cake some days.

When I was first married - and probably before - I had this arrogant notion that I could do submission better than anyone I'd ever encountered and be this rockstar of humility!  I thought I could bring Mr. Butler a few drinks and let him pick where we ate and before I knew it, everyone - including him - would be singing my praises as the most meek and submissive wife anyone had ever met.  Like I said, I can get confused sometimes. ;)

There are a few big decisions in my married past that my husband would have done differently had I not pitched a fit.   And yes, I do mean pitched a fit in the most grammatically correct way, complete with huffing and puffing, ugliness, mind games and flat out explosion of tears and emotions.  I'm talking life-changing things like where to live and who to be friends with.  And I'm still not good at submission, but on all of those decisions, he was right.  I should have respected his opinion, needs and desires more - at least to hear him out.  On most things, I struggled to even let him get words out.  I was consumed - absolutely CONSUMED - with how it was going to affect me, how I was going to (or not) be able to control the situation, and how it just didn't feel good.  Submission was all well and good until it made me sad/mad/scared/uncomfortable.

I love the idea of doing something right.  Or the best way.  Or at least better than most people do.  But loving an idea and actually living it when things get uncomfortable and hard, well that's so different.  And I didn't realize how different it was until I started really trying to live it.  For all that I thought I knew, I just didn't realize that this attitude of submission took sacrifice - doing things you just didn't want to do to achieve an end that was more beautiful than you could imagine.

The other night Mr. Butler said something to me that I felt was too harsh, unnecessary and just wrong.  I found a way (I'm pretty sure the Holy Spirit was working overtime) to keep my mouth shut and neutralize the fit that was brewing.  And my fits are no little matter so neutralizing it is sometimes an even bigger event.  Anyway, I moved on.  Within an hour or two, he brought the comments back up and the kind-hearted gentleman made it right.  That's what happens when I handle things God's way.  When I handle it my way (telling him he's wrong, ordering him to treat me better, and freezing him out until he does), well...not so much.

This next year it is my desire to improve my submission skills.  I want a better marriage and I want my kids learn how to respect.  I know that all starts with me.  Needless to say, I'm no expert on the subject of submission and respect, but here are a couple of things I'm learning and constantly need to be reminded of:

-Submission is easy when my husband agrees with me.

-Submission is easy when my husband does what I think he/we should.  

-If submission is easy, that's a good sign it's not really submission.

-If I find myself being critical, impatient, defiant or snarky, I'm not being submissive.

-Submission is an attitude of being soft, receptive, responsive and leadable towards my husband.

For some (good) expert advice, check out a few of these:

And for a great discussion about what submission is and certainly what it is not, check this out:
7 Misconceptions about Submission: Girls Gone Wise

Being Thankful for the Pain

With Thanksgiving being a little later than normal, I've been a little more aware of the holiday than it seems like I normally am.  Of course, food and family are at the forefront and cooking and traveling are what we usually focus on.  Our thankful thoughts hover around freedom, safety and abundance, which is right according to the custom.  This year though, I'm reminded of a few of my weaknesses surrounding this topic of thankfulness.

I'm thankful when I get what I want.

Being thankful for what I have is easy as long as it is what I want.  But, all the submission, obedience and grace goes out the window for me when things don't go my way.  It's kind of like the passage in the Bible where we're told its nothing to love those who love you back.  Of course, you should do that.  It's, generally, automatic.  To really love is when you love those who hate you, who can do nothing for you, who can and will hurt you back.  I think gratitude, real gratitude, might imitate love in this way.

Some friends of ours were expecting a baby and have begun a blessed journey with all of the events surrounding this child's life.  I would like to encourage you to read from the beginning the father's blog about the coming and arrival of their child.  I'm not joking when I say starting from the beginning is sooo worth it - talk about a plot twist!  Shaun does an awesome job at writing and encouraging others through the words and videos.  I'd also appreciate it if you would pray for this family.  God has been doing so much in a short time for them and it's exciting to see what will continue with God's help.  The reason I bring this family up now is because of the gratitude Shaun expresses in everything.  Take a read and you'll see what I mean.

Over and over in my life, my loved ones lives and even through out the Bible, God knows what He's doing.  Things we think we want and don't get are usually for our own good.  For learning, for better things to come, for protection, etc.  And that almost always involves pain at some point.  I hate that part.  You can do so many things 'right' and if you're always avoiding pain, you miss so much.  My labor with Jude was like that.  I did a lot of things well to prepare - we were both very healthy - but when the pain hit, I shut down and wanted out.  In childbirth and life too, pain means something is happening - usually an opportunity for growth and something better and until you embrace it somehow, you'll just be stuck.

So, thanksgiving.  I have much to be thankful for and many to pray for.  There's a lot of pain, loss, and struggles.  Pray for the evil who are hurting so much - in need of mercy and grace.  Pray for the hurting - loss of family, old and young.  Pray for the misguided - those with zeal but without truth and understanding.  But mostly, be thankful for all of these people and circumstances.  I'm trying to see the pain and discomfort, wherever it grows, as blessings this year - gifts to be fully appreciated farther along.  I hope our gratitude can be just a touch more true when including pain in the category of thankfulness.

No Nonsense November: The Only Way Out

I was perusing the news and found myself drawn into an update on a murder trial.  The details aren't important except that they were awful, unmentionable and committed by a minor.  Yet, it happens so much these days.  Whether it's more than it 'used to be', I don't know.  But it's convicting nonetheless.

I'm a first born perfectionist daughter who loves a clear set of rules that will allow me to do something the right way and loves improving towards that illusive perfection.  So, even if I really stink at follow-through or accomplishments, in my head, I take things very seriously!  Like marriage, like parenting, like Christianity, like healthy living, like frugality, etc.  And for people not like me, I know that high achieving and always improving can be downright annoying.  A broken-record or a snob, you say.  And some days, you're right.  That's why I need balance so badly.  But that's not my point today.

That random news article took a hold of me somehow and convicted me of why I (should) take some things so seriously.  Our society is crying out in pain and suffering through these children that find themselves choosing paths of hate, pain and violence.  Everything from divorce to substance abuse to pornography is seeping (if not gushing) into our kids lives and then for some families it's just a time-bomb, waiting for the right trigger.

Even when we mean well and get lost along the way, consequences still cut deep.  I seem to have very little figured out, but I see bold truth in a few things.   Healthy marriages, strong role models and active parenting aren't the solution, they are the groundwork - the bare minimum - to raising healthy, reasonable, productive kids.  Some days it feels like we're lucky to even smile at each other, much less feel like we're doing a good job in our marriages or roles as parents.  So it might sound like I'm saying we're all worthless unless we're perfect.  I'm not.  Not at all.  Because I'm not worthless and I fail miserably all the time.

I'm saying when you think you're being paranoid about how much sexualized tv your kids are watching or when you make light of a drug problem or how hateful families are to each other, just stop.  Pornography is killing marriages everywhere.  Sexual abuse is rampant.  Substance abuse is washing lives down the drain and feeding violence everywhere.  It's happening.  Don't act like its not.  Instead, join me in an effort to love your spouse. Ensure your kids are safe, loved and have plenty of honest men and women in their lives.  Love your neighbors.  In a society with so much hate and ugliness, our best weapon is to fill every space we can with security, honesty, beauty, respect, hard work and wise love.

I think of the moms of these children who get dissected in the news because of their crimes.  How much pain they must bear.  We can throw blame around and where will it get us?  Instead, let's be proactive, preventative and most of all convicted that Jesus came to save us from all of this hate.  Submitting everything to him - our marriages, our children, our habits, our hearts - is the way out.  The only way out.

No Nonsense November: You Can Do Better

If there is one thing I've learned about myself over the past few years, its that I can always learn to do better.  Challenges are always hanging around, but if I work at something long enough, hard enough, with extra information and help, eventually I'll get the hang of things.

And if there is one thing I've seen about the world we live in, its that we believe so little about ourselves and God's ability to work and grow.  The complaint is usually the first thing to enter our mind and exit from our mouth - I wish {enter problem here} would change.  I, for example, have a list of things that has bothered and depressed me for years going back to adolescence.  Things like my complexion, my weight, my relationships, my financial status, my to-do list, my stress...etc.  We all WANT to be better or different, but whether by ignorance or laziness, we just think its not possible.  "I've been this way my whole life!" "You think I'm bad, you should've seen my parents.  I'm doing great compared to them!" Or that the only way its possible is to be completely miserable (discipline) and who can live like that?  Am I right?

Well, it's a lie that I'm sure the devil started.  You can do better!  It doesn't matter what you've come from, what you've spent the last decade learning to be right (while it was sooo wrong), or how messed up things are right now.  You can change your perspective, your habits, your responses.  We can be an active participant in our life instead of a victim.  God is waiting for that desperate but determined plea for help when we finally admit we're not going to do it alone.  But we put him off with delusions that it's too hard anyway.

It's common to get a little teary eyed at the person who was born with a condition or had a terrible accident or was found in an abusive situation and then applaud their courage and persistence in rising above their circumstances.  They are an inspiration, we say.  Yes, yes they are.  They have defied the odds.  Combatted hardship and rejection.  And they succeeded!  It is wonderful.  So, then what is my excuse?  No, really.  What is your excuse?  Is it harder than any possible scenario I've described?  I daresay there might be a few who have comparable situations, but for the rest of us, what's our problem?  I have all of my limbs, no degenerative disease and was not abused as a child - or any other tragic thing I can think of.  As a young teenager I was heavily rejected by some girls who I thought I was friends with and now I constantly have to remind myself to relax and that any friend isn't hating every second with me.  So I guess if you want to classify that as some tragic situation, ok, but still I'm sure we all have those kinds of stories.  So, what?

You can do better.  I can work smarter.  We can change those problems.  Or at least we can grow.  It's hard to change, for sure.  But why wouldn't you want to be healthier and happier? Really? You'd rather just complain about it? Well, I get that.  Sometimes its easier to complain than to work.  But I'm over it, myself.  I'm ready for results and steady growth.  Extremism is for the birds, but balanced growth and change.  Yeah, I'm feeling it these days.  Hope you will too!

No Nonsense November: Birthday Party Panic

One of my most favorite things as a kid were birthday parties - especially mine or my brothers.  My mom did a great job every year making the whole thing special and fun.  So, of course, doing the same is important to me.  Doesn't mean I'm great at it, but it's important to me.

Well, in the spirit of full-disclosure, I'm so not prepared this year for J's birthday (which is Sunday, party Saturday).  I'm so unprepared that yesterday we just changed themes from Blue's Clues to Thomas the Train.  Sometimes I hate taking the easy way out, but in this case the easier way was the only way to survive! To get Blue's Clues related decorations you either have to order it from Etsy type places or make it yourself! And when I glanced around Party Galaxy yesterday, there was loads of Thomas stuff.  It didn't hurt either that I was getting super overwhelmed, Jude was running around like a crazy and when I asked him what he would rather have Baseball, Blues Clues or Thomas, he practically yelled Thomas!

It's not like it really matters in the grand scheme of things.  It probably doesn't even matter in the tiny scheme of things.  But letting go and just rolling with it was a big deal for me.  I want so badly to be thorough, detailed and IN CONTROL that I dismiss ideas and options too quickly sometimes just because they aren't ideal or perfect.  But I'm being forced to accept my reality in a lot of ways, whether I like it or not.  And one of those big realities is that in this season of life (two small children, part-time work, husband in school and under job stress), I certainly can't do it all and not exactly the way I'd want to in a perfect world.

Ugh.  Just saying it makes me scoff a little at the thought.  I just hate it, but I'm learning to accept it.  And don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with Thomas! ha! It'll probably be more fun and festive than Blue's Clues anyway.

No Nonsense November: Mondays

On Sunday nights, the thought of facing a Monday morning feels like this:

After I've actually gotten up on time and finished my workout, I feel like this:

No Nonsense November: Praise God!

Sunday mornings are busy in our house with making breakfast, taking showers and usually scrambling to get to church on time.  It always seems that the day gets caught up in the to-dos like naps and remembering extra diapers.  A day of rest and reverence to God is always my hope and expectation, but  I so easily forget.

To help shape the day a little better (at least in my head), here are some reasons I am praising God today:

-I'm able to learn and grow.  I may have fouled everything up yesterday, but I can start over, learn from it and do better.

-The season outside is changing again.  Whatever season of life I'm in today I am reminded to soak it all in and be patient - for it will all be different sooner than I realize.

-Potty training is going so well that J only uses a diaper at naptime and bedtime.  And he can usually go by himself.  Procrastination for the win!

-Prayer alone provides endless possibilities for God to work and to bless.

I hope your day is filled with rest and reverence!

No Nonsense November: Life is Hard

Our culture is saturated with instant, easy and shallow.  And at this point in time, we mostly know it but usually don't care because everyone else is doing it.  We get fat, overspend, fail in our relationships and settle well below mediocrity usually because it's easy and everyone else is doing it.

I have high expectations for myself or I feel them thrust upon me.  That being said, meeting those high expectations is hard.  Really hard.  And, frankly, I don't like hard.  I like slow-pace ease, thank you very much.

My nest is very fully and busy right now two great kids, part-time work and an overworked husband in graduate school.  All of it/them are such blessings, but I slip into resentment really fast when its been a long day and I'm not getting a break.  Why does everything have to be this hard? Aren't I working hard enough as it is?

But there are beautiful things to be had in facing the hard stuff.  Beautiful things like a healthy body, a balanced budget, healthy marriages and families and going to bed with a satisfied soul.  

No Nonsense November

We let things that don't matter dictate how we live our life.  Wait, not we, I.  I do that.  I work overtime to make it look like I don't, but it still happens.  I'm also bad with friendships, not being in control and stress.  I am not the person you want on the operating table or in the middle of a secret mission.  I crack under pressure.  And like I mentioned last time, I'm ready to be more open and straight-forward about things instead of hiding behind fear and irrelevant concerns.  So, I'm calling this my No Nonsense November.  There's just no sense in being anything but real, authentic and genuine.

So, in closing and in the spirit of no nonsense, I'd just like to say that I hate when people have monthly themes, but then don't finish or hardly last half the month.  And I'm honestly afraid of doing that again this time around, because I'm caaarraaaaazzzy busy.  But when I write, I'm such a better person to be around and it satisfies something in my soul that few other things do.

“November comes
And November goes,
With the last red berries
And the first white snows.

With night coming early,
And dawn coming late,
And ice in the bucket
And frost by the gate.

The fires burn
And the kettles sing,
And earth sinks to rest
Until next spring.”
― Clyde Watson

Consider the Reset Button Pushed

I'm going to be 34 on my next birthday.  I just watched an episode of Parenthood where Kristina tells someone she's 34.  That can't be right because she's married, has 3 kids and, like, my mom's age.  Except it is right and for some reason I always see my mom about the age that I started recognizing her as a separate person - so somewhere around 34 probably.  Aside from the, "Wow, I'm old" feeling, it got me thinking about how easy it is to get stuck in time somehow, not progressing, but just assuming that everything is being tended to.  All the while, if you're not careful you quickly grow into the thing (s) you hate and denounce.

One of the things most important to me in my life is authenticity.  I hate small-talk and fake personas.  I'll even scoff at flowers that are fake purely on principle.  Come on, people, be real!  And yet.  And yet I have a confession to make.  I want so badly to keep you from thinking badly of me some days that I work my tail off to not be real.  My mind is constantly overrun by thoughts of judgements you may or may not be making about the real me.  How can I avoid them and what could I do/say to combat them or justify myself?  It's exhausting.  And a little disgusting.  I hate it when people won't just be honest with me when I ask them how they are doing.  If I didn't want to know, I wouldn't ask.  But then I get all twisted up in knots trying to say just the right thing so I won't sound pathetic or weird to you.  Why do I herald authenticity to the masses, but hesitate to tell you how much I hate cleaning my house and that I only do it because I figure you'll say I'm a bad person if I don't?

So, here's the deal.  Kid #1 liberated me in some really important ways.  Kid #2 is waking me up to the reality of how short life is.  With those things under my belt, I'd really like a reset button.

Consider the reset button pushed.

Let's start with life right now.  Summarizing something in a few sentences makes it seem easier than it really is.  My husband is getting his MBA while working full time and I have two kids, two dogs and teach piano part-time.  One sentence there, but that one little sentence is so much.  And so hard.  Having two kids is hard.  Doing anything else is even harder.  And I really want to do EVERYTHING else too.  I'm optimistic that it gets easier, mostly because everyone says so.  Until then, writing is the best way to keep me from stagnating and poisoning everything around me. (I can get pretty cranky)

What's your favorite motivator when life is harder than it feels like it should be?