Well Fine Then!

Relationships are so complicated sometimes, its a wonder anyone can stand anyone anymore.  Even with the better intentions, we all find a breaking point in our tolerance.  There's only so much discomfort, pain, neglect, punishment, disregard (the list is endless) a person can take, right?  Nobody wants to be a doormat, waste their time or cast their pearls before swine.  Especially in our material possessions, we are more likely to trade in for a new one than be patient with the old one. 

I know of a story about a married couple who had two children, but lost one of them to a drunk driving accident.  The family was devastated, the couple's marriage grew rocky at best.  As time went on, the parents began to grieve separately and in their own way.  The father checked out completely - didn't know how to deal with the pain, so he didn't.  The mother was much more conscious of her distress and continually reached out to her husband, but he retreated more and more. The story ends badly with the husband cheating and leaving to start a new family.  Saying what one should do in a situation is not my point today.  The concept of holding on a little bit longer, enduring a little bit more for the sake of a relationship, out of pity and compassion for someone else's pain and struggle is not familiar to our modern societies.  We are all in it for ourselves.  When the world stops cooperating, its just natural to write it off.  In friendships, marriages, parent-child relationships, we come to expect needs to be met by others.  When they aren't, we let them know.  When they still aren't met, we pitch a fit, we cut them out, we leave.  But what if they needed from you when you needed from them? What happens then? The couple in the story were just that way. They both needed things from each other, but didn't give because of their own pain.  

You've Come A Long Way, Baby!

Well, its been a while. In a couple of weeks we'll be at four months since Randy was laid off. Neglecting this blog was never an intentional thing, but sometimes emergency mode diminishes unnecessary things to the point of expulsion.  Randy still does not have a job, so to speak, but we have come a long way! He has found a new direction for his career that we both feel really good about.  I have started my own tutoring business that promises continued growth. And, so far, we've not gone into any kind of debt.  All in all, we've been blessed. 

Throughout this process, the pendulum of positive vs negative has been a constant battle, much more than I thought was realistic at times.  One event, one meal, one conversation can have so much power for good or bad.  Stability, security and expectation of the future are luxuries we had come to rely so heavily on. When they are gone, its not so bad at first, but after a while it feels like a sick joke.  How many decisions could I simply not make because I didn't know where we would be and how we would be living at some point in the future!  Thankfully, it is forcing us to face ourselves pretty regularly.  As members of a fast-paced, civilized society, its natural to become absorbed by our surroundings, focusing on trivial, unimportant things and completely forgetting the magnitude of each decision and how it impacts our soul.  Not having everything easy and normal reminds you that stability and normalcy should not depend on this social expectation of a 9-5 job with benefits and an office cube. If you have it and want it, praise the Lord! Since we don't, we are reminded to praise the Lord anyway! Randy and I both hate rigid schedules that only produce financial fruit anyway. Making the world better, doing something that matters, appreciated God's creation and learning to live life on God's terms, not man's, is much more fulfilling in the long run.

When In Plenty, When In Want

They say be careful what you wish for and they are right.  

Randy has contemplated a job/career change for quite a while now.  Recently, we had determined that it was wise to stay at his current job because the income and added benefits were too good to pass up.  Still, he had joked about the economic downturns and the instability of his job, saying that he kinda wished he would get laid off because it would force him to go in another direction. But overall, he confessed to me, he was getting into a nice groove at work.  

In another aspect of our life, we have both (but he especially) have been studying more and desiring spiritual growth more significantly than before.  So much so that on Wednesday night after services we challenged each other (partially joking, partially serious) to a race to spiritual maturity.  Hope and intentions were very high.

Thursday morning Randy came in the front door much too early for lunch with his hands full of stuff and greeted me with "Guess what happened to me today?"  Utterly perplexed I may have mumbled a "What?" but hardly having a chance to respond he says, "I got laid off today."

Of course, we are blessed with health, safety, education and ability to work so this period of want we are entering is still very plenty.  It's scary to say the least.  But its more ironic than anything else.  Randy longed for something else.  We longed to really grow.  God said, "Well, okay. Here you go." :)

Kicking over those mushrooms

Mushrooms amaze me how they can show up overnight and surprise you!  Regular living does nothing to anticipate their arrival or help you plan for them in any way.  Mushrooms are not a significant force in my life, of course, but they resemble hidden problems to me.  Problems, personal weakness or unfinished business can be overlooked SO easily and for so long. But then, just as the mushroom does, they appear as though overnight and magically.  The environment obviously was favorable for those mushrooms, any scientist could have safely predicted their arrival.  In the same way, some partially skilled outsider could have predicted the pitfalls about to arise in my life.  For that matter, I am capable of predicting these issues myself, but not nearly as diligent.  We try so hard sometimes and think that surely its enough.  Enough to get the world off our back, enough to fulfill a requirement, enough to get the job done.  But no matter what you do to your front lawn, the world around it sometimes creates an environment where mushrooms will grow.  It takes a daily 'kicking' sometimes to get rid of those mushrooms.  When will I ever learn? :)

Pushed Out In the Cold

Boy Meets World was a staple television show from my past that ran from 1993-2000.  In the final season the show sweethearts, Cory & Topanga, get married and in the episode "The Honeymoon is Over", they get a harsh bite of reality.  In not fully preparing for adulthood, they find themselves living in 'married dorms' at school that turn out to be the local slums. When Cory finally reaches out to his parents for salvation, they refuse to help him saying they have to figure this out themselves.   In 1999, when I first saw this episode, I was 19 years old and couldn't imagine parents being so heartless to their kids!  In the end, the couple makes the best of a horrible situation and learns many lessons, but I was still unconvinced that such tough love was necessary.  

The Honeymoon Is Over

Marriage is a good illustration, but I think its more applicable to adulthood in general. What I thought was so heartless was perhaps hard to swallow but very realistic and healthy.  Parents are given the responsibility to care and raise their children, but for what reason? So that they can do things for them the rest of their life. Some might think so, but that isn't the case. It is so that those same children will one day be able to do for themselves and eventually do for their own children in the same way.  But, like in Cory & Topanga's situation, if their parents had set everything up for them, they  never would have known how to adapt and function on their own completely.  There is a time to take training wheels off. Taking the training wheels off doesn't mean you won't fall. It means when you fall, you do the picking up and trying again.

I hate doing certain things by myself and can grow exceedingly impatient when Randy lectures me that its good to be able to take care of things on my own.  But he's right.  Sharing and helping are wonderful things, but not if they are handicapping or enabling a crutch. I like to be propped up, but I'm learning that propping myself up makes me so much stronger and able.

The Child Within Me

Do you remember learning to read? I don't.  I remember reading ask a kid, pronouncing words all over the place, but I can't seem to recall a time when I couldn't read.  Since I don't have kids yet, I have never experienced the entire process of a child learning to read from beginning to end.  Though I know children everywhere have or will learn to read, it seems so taxing to go from knowing nothing, to being able to form words, sentences and ultimately complex meanings.  The itemized process just makes me want to not bother.  

Did you catch the impatience floating around that entire thought? The precious gift of reading is something I never regret being able to do.  Reading is worth sounding out letters, guessing words and a furrowed brow! But at age 5, most kids would do without learning to read if they had their chance.  They don't realize what reading is worth, what it really means for them in the future.   Aren't we all 5 years old again sometimes?  We dismiss things that require 'too much work' and claim that we are fine in our current condition.  For a large part of USA's population, ADD isn't a physiological induced condition, but sociological induced problem.  In matters of relationship, health, finance, spiritual growth, etc., our society is experiencing crises everywhere. Having a fulfilling, healthy marriage does not happen because you found the right person.   Long-lasting health and weight loss cannot be found in a microwave and 10 minutes at a gym.  Money doesn't build up or keep flowing when you charge up credit cards and work part-time.  Greater love, compassion and gentleness aren't characteristics you're either born with or not.  All of these things take intentional work over the course of time.  Most of these things are continual processes that you will never just be done with.  Sounds kind of overbearing doesn't it?  That's what I always thought.  If it took too long, I knew it wasn't worth anything. Guess what? I was so wrong.  I'm not even a huge success at any of these or similar areas. I have seen small success and you know what I have found? Even a little success is worth all the discomfort and sacrifice I experienced, no matter how small or great.  Truth be told, I'm mesmerized a little by the process of change, how it comes about and all of the elements involved.   I'm not sure how to convince grown-up 5 year olds (like myself) that hard work is worth the bother, but I'm sure learning that it is.

That Growth May Abound

Have you ever witnessed an accident of some kind as though it were in slow motion? You see everything coming and you want to scream or stop it somehow.  When I look back over some of the choices and decisions I've made, its as though I were a time-traveler and thought I could change the future and avoid accidents.  The trouble with that, as some time-travel epics illustrate, the mere act of trying to prevent sometimes is the actual cause.  All of my many years in college, my intention was to go after something I loved and felt strongly about. I did NOT want to end up employed in a industry or field where I did nothing meaningful to me.  Instead, I never quite followed anything through, resulting in qualifications that left just shy of any position most people were hiring for.  I have really painted myself into a corner.  It is true that I have two college degrees, a wonderful husband, friends, family, and don't forget two beautiful dogs.  So, there has been follow through at times throughout my life. But, when you foolishly in-debt yourself to a university for a tad more than a few bucks, doing something with your degree becomes important, if not necessary. 

Before the wailers and mourners begin, all is not lost. Today is always an opportunity to learn from mistakes and I'm already working on it.    My first lesson learned is to focus just as much (if not more) on working hard at something than avoiding all of your feared outcomes.  Either what you fear will never happen, which is the case most of the time. Or, your fear will happen eventually (death, separation, etc.) so you'd best get used to the idea now. 

Today I am trying to get rid of all fear by ignoring the ones that are silly and facing the ones that are my eventual reality.  The hope is that growing will abound!

Here Comes the Sun

Until this morning, I had not seriously considered the link between looking for easier ways and being impatient.  I've not been known for my sustaining patience and so it would stand to reason that easier ways would be my treasure.  The hard, day to day work is what I'm trying to avoid in the end. However, the truth I'm seeing is that giving into impatience AND waiting or searching for an easier way typically takes just as much time as being patient and working hard. The difference is that with the former, you  have nothing more to show for it when you never found an easier way or the way you found required work too.

Sometimes I get so frustrated and literally complain to God - "Why won't everything work the way I want it to?"  "When will things change?" or my favorite "It isn't fair.  Please don't make me learn this lesson any more!"  For a second this morning on the treadmill my emotions tried to stir all of that up, but thankfully, the Lord blessed me with some clarity and I chose to listen to it.  Even though sometimes all I can see is how imperfect my circumstances are, what God is looking for is growth.  In moments of sheer arrogance and pride, I've thought "I'm sure glad my life isn't like that!" or "I would be so miserable if I was that person." From a very fleshly worldly mindset, we all think that way. Otherwise, there would be no such ambition in the world to be good, better, the best.  But if we're looking through heaven's eyes, where you start has no bearing on your value.  Our value comes from and increases when we grow.  We are here to grow, to be prepared for heaven, to experience what God can accomplish in us.   

In writing this, I hope it will help me to remember to consider heaven's eyes before my own.  Any thoughts on ways to remember this better?

There isn't an easier way.

Most of my life, somewhere in my mind I assumed most things had an easier way.  Find the easier way and you were one of the good people, the skinny ones, the pretty ones, the adored ones, the cool ones.  After all, that's what the industrial revolution and technological expansion gave us: easier ways.  So, imagine my shame and despair when I finally admitted to myself that in many matters worthwhile to me, there simply was not an easier way.  Relationships don't just magically maintain themselves, weight (especially with my genes) doesn't conveniently leave you just because you feel bad about it, and adulthood doesn't grab you by the throat and make you grow.   The silly thing is that my brain, as seen by my actions, really thought relationships just happened, weight fell off and growth was an automatic.  And really this is just the beginning. My brain has been believing the perceptions I have rather than believing the truth that is usually right in front of it.  The good news is that I'm starting to get it, the whole working hard thing.   The bad news is, the more I 'get it', the more I realize how deceived I was.  I can say with a confident heart, though, how painful and wonderful growth is.

Regrets

'No Regrets!' A phrase we hear in movies from time to time that can be misleading I think. To live your life with no regrets is a very tall order. Either you must live life exactly the way you want and are proud of or you must let go of all those mistakes you made, claiming that they made you who you are today. I am finding it almost impossible to do either. The life I want to lead I just can't seem to do. And the many, many fouled up situations I find myself in, I just can't let them go completely. Mostly because they affect how other people think and live, in regards to me. I have so many regrets that sometimes it is overwhelming. I regret things about yesterday. So, no regrets? Not for me. In another light, I do need to use my regrettable circumstances and choices to better shape my future decisions. Yes, I need to do that, but I know I need a lot more practice on that.

Why Can't You Be Just Like Me?

One of the hardest things about marriage is also what makes it so beautiful. As children, many of us are misled into thinking that everyone is or at least should be just like us. When diving into marriage, whether we realize it or not, we carry that sentiment with us. Of course, the blinding love usually keeps us from seeing just how annoyingly different our mate-to-be actually is until its way too late to back out.
This morning, my husband and I were playing 20 questions, mandatory answering and they must be honest. In asking him what his ideal holiday plans would be if he had complete authority and control, I was struck by how different he was. And it wasn't that I didn't already know that because his differences were some of the reasons I loved and needed him. The most difficult part was that I finally realized how important it was to me for him to be just like me, in some areas at least. If it were up to him, he would spend the winter holidays in a different place every year vacationing. Leaving home, not being around family and setting up our own (home-centered) traditions struck me as absolutely the worst thing I could do. Yet, that's the best thing he could do.
Rational or not, I went into a little bit of grieving for myself. In a lot of ways, I had always felt vastly different than my family growing up. One of those secret solutions that we seek in marriage (yes, that we never verbalize or admit) for me was finding validation for me being me. This certainly was not doing that. Now, I know all of the positive things about the joining of two very different worlds, especially for our future children. Compromises can be beautiful things. As much as I want to share my perfect holiday with him, spending a week in NYC or Flagstaff could be fun too. So, yes I know we can share and probably be better off. But, there is just some kind of insane draw about sharing things that you love with other people who love it too. And suddenly realizing that may not happen in quite the way you had hoped with the most important person in your life is pretty mind-altering, if only for a while.
As usual, Randy's differences set up a learning situation that is exactly what I need. We are two extremes, sitting opposite of one another, sharing commonalities mostly because of our extremity. So, really, I shouldn't be surprised. But as a kid, going over to your friends house for dinner can bring quite a wrench to your relationship. Especially if they have weird food for dinner and watch weird things on tv or don't have a tv at all. Suddenly, you're looking at your friend much differently. Most likely, you'll still be friends because kids are more resilient than adults. But how many adult relationships, between parent & child, friendships and even nations, get stuck here and never are the same again. No worries, I'm sticking with Randy despite his 'crazy' holiday ideals, but its certainly something to help me reflect on how I deal with differences.