Just an Ordinary Day

Is today just an ordinary day? America says it is. Hurry up, get to school, don't be late for work, buy a new car, go by wal-mart on the way home, make sure everyone is entertained, check the phone, keep everyone quiet, block out the world, go to bed. Ordinary and normal is what we strive for right? Custom, expectation - that's just what you do. But why do you do it? For 2000+ years, followers of Christ have been shifting and shuffling around, trying to serve God; some harder than others. Sometimes we shuffle too far, sometimes we haven't shifted towards God enough. All the while, God hasn't moved an inch - He's right where He's always been, saying what He's always said.

For me, it is so easy to get sucked into American religion or Western spiritual customs and allow them to influence my view of God and His expectations. As a society, we swing from one side to the other - from allowing our emotional reactions to dictate to classifying right and wrong based on what some other group may or may not have done. Just because it feels right doesn't mean God desires it. Just because a practice may look like this group or that doesn't mean God does NOT desire it. Our perceptions are so easily influenced by social ideas that its a wonder we can walk straight without surveying our entire neighborhood! If nothing else, it sure does make me thankful for having the bible so readily available in our time. The rest of us are just too unreliable, finicky and foolish to trust with our salvation.

It is a cloudy Monday morning here in Oklahoma City and I'm thankful for that. I don't know about you, but I have this crazy love/hate relationship with routine and changing things up. When I don't have a set routine, I become very undisciplined and things fly quickly out of control, but if life strolls along so rigid without ever a variation, I want to die inside. Most jobs I am ready to quit after 3 months. If I could I would change around at least one room every 3 months or so. I love working on plans and come up with a new one for something every 2 or 3 months. But if between those 3 months there isn't some real form of regularity I get overwhelmed and end up doing nothing.

I worked this weekend to get a lot of housework and chores done in preparation for a new routine starting today. Perhaps new is incorrect. A routine was re-established this morning and boy does it feel good.

I do have a special request this morning. Please pray for Randy and I this week. Its growing critical that we find some success somewhere (job search, tutoring business, etc.) and we have had an extremely rough time not giving in to depression and anxiety. More than anything, making decisions about what to do or what to have faith in (that God will bless this direction or that, etc) is weighing down hard. So, please remember us when you pray.

This was on my day calendar recently and I loved it.

"Touch the earth, love the earth, her plains, her valleys, her hills, and her seas; rest your spirit in her solitary places. For the gifts of life are the earth's and they are given to all..."

-Henry Beston

What's the Point?

I've heard it most of my life from the pulpit and in late night chats. "We baptized dozens and where do they go? If everyone we baptized were still here, there wouldn't be enough room for everyone." And then a discussion about what's wrong with the world, the church, the christians, etc. ensues. I've been there in the middle of that conversation many times. Yet, here we are still witnessing this phenomenon in most areas and congregations. Evidently all of our talk hasn't produced much fruit, has it? I've had some things nagging me in the back of my mind lately having to do with why people struggle or leave and what it means to really help and be there for someone. Think of 3 people who are struggling or have left God completely. Why are they living like that? Do you have any idea? I think sometimes we truly don't have any clue, mostly b/c they are probably not like me. They don't respond like me, they don't talk like me or feel like me. So, its safer to just say they don't want to do what's right so they left or they sinned or gave up or whatever.

I'll tell you what I'm seeing and thinking. I think that, at least here in the midwest/south, there are emotional problems multiplying like cancer and are largely being neglected. Pain, anger, alienation, lack of skill, insecurity, you name it, people struggle with it constantly. The struggle is common to man, of course. But a spiritual family is designed to fill in those gaps and help heal the past. But how can any of that growth happen if no one is talking about it?

How aware are you of what kind of emotional struggles the family in the pew next to you have? How comfortable are you with asking your brothers and sisters how their struggles are effecting their emotions, relationships or habits? None of us want the entire world knowing our business, but we all need somebody. Often when serious problems arise, everyone is shocked and had no idea there was even a problem, and certainly not that bad. They never said anything or asked for help. They should ask for help, that's true. But when life is crumbling around you, that can be one of the hardest things to do.

I guess all I'm saying is that it makes sense that people flock to places and people that are genuinely interested in their lives - the good and the bad - and do their best to understand, even if they can't exactly help. If I or the group that I associate with am not creating an environment where people can lay their burdens down and be fed, what's the point?

Are You Important

Is what you do important? Do my plans for Friday night matter in the grand scheme of things? We live in the city and are constantly bombarded by billboards, annoying radio commercials and relentless pressure to buy, buy, buy. It doesn't take long to be convinced that your purpose in life is to make more money to buy more things. There's new stuff every day that you just 'gotta have'. At very least, it makes it easy to have no purpose at all. If it were up to me, I'd be content with 10 acres out somewhere, growing my own food, writing to my heart's content and having visitors every couple of days. I'm okay with that purpose. :) Randy's heart has big plans for him I think. He longs to do something really important. Not so much like changing foreign policy or anything, but something really helps people, really matters. After a discussion about such things, I got to thinking about about it all and considered something I hadn't thought of before, at least in regard to myself. As Randy's wife, the only one he has, I am important. Any conversation we have and the role I play is potentially very important. What kind of man will he become after he's been with me? Whether it is a marriage, parent-child or friend relationship, consider just how important you could be! What kinds of things could they dare to do in the future? How much does your belief and encouragement in them matter? I guess that depends on what you say really, but it could matter a whole lot. As we all do, its easy to get so comfortable with those you love that frustration is the most common emotion we share with them. But what if it wasn't? What if we believed, encouraged and helped them to dream bigger? When I think about it that way, I want to take a little more pride in my 'position', not because its highly esteemed among men, but because of how much it could matter, at least in his life.

I'm Just Not Ready

In the shower this morning I was going over the things I needed to remember to do today and felt much like juggler. Which ball do you throw first? The muscle we use to focus on several things at once is a special one isn't it? At that moment, I realized how much of my life I wanted things much sooner than I was ready to deal with. Probably the most common example of this is young ladies longing to be matched up and married, ready to create a home and tend to it. No matter the age, most feel afraid since it hasn't happened yet then it might not happen at all and then despair enters the heart. I was no different, except that while I wanted everything, I didn't want any cheap imitations or rushed orders. I wanted it with all of my heart, but I didn't want to mess it up even more. Of course, blatant perfectionism can get you in a whole lot of trouble. I'm not advocating such standards that no one can match, least of all you! But, sometimes we're just not ready for things and God knows that. No matter the age or the object of affection, sometimes we're just not ready. A 3 year old is not ready for the sole responsibility of a dog. Most 16 year old boys aren't ready to care for an entire house all by themselves. I spent several years as an official 'adult' in college and didn't marry until I was 26 (which by some standards is an old maid!). I am 29 and have yet to birth children. I am now so grateful for all of that. I cherish being able to consider my roles, consider my capabilities and desires before being thrown in them. We can't always be so lucky, but in so many ways we have that option in life and choose to ignore it. Because others around us, whether our age, circumstance or whatever, start doing things, its so easy to get caught up in the idea that you probably should too. Moving out, going to college, getting a pet, marrying, having children, etc. are all things that requires a certain level of preparation and responsibility. These undertakings, without some preparation and readiness, can blow up in your face. In the shower this morning I was so thankful that I did not get what I thought I wanted several years ago because I flat out wasn't ready at all.

I know, when are you ever really ready for adulthood and all it holds? You might answer never, but I wouldn't. There is a scale I think rather than ready or not. We're taught to seek wisdom, especially in our youth. To me that means there are wiser choices and less wise choices. When I say ready, I don't mean 'can perform task perfectly.' I mean informed of and grasp the gravity and ramifications of task. No, the world doesn't stop turning because someone does something prematurely, but ripe, juicy tomatoes are so much better than green, hard ones.

Nice to Meet You

Hi Everyone. My name is Amy Butler and I am introverted and shy. I always get a chuckle or a 'Yeah, right!' from that statement, but it is true. Have you ever learned a skill or displayed an attitude because you thought you were supposed to? As kids a lot of things like that we learn from parents and other adults in our lives. I, subconsciously I guess, always thought I was supposed to be extroverted and outgoing. So, for all of adolescence and first part of adulthood I was. It took me years to see the connection between my 'necessary extroversion' and absolute exhaustion, borderline sickness and withdrawals from my bedroom (where no one else is and I can shut the door). Its no wonder I had panic attacks every so often.

Of course, the experience isn't all bad. I can hold a conversation with most people (eventually). Sometimes I'm funny. That came from the sheer nervousness I felt (feel) in the middle of a group and to cover that up I did what my family does best. (Enter Sarcasm) So, maybe I can make you laugh on occasion and I can make nice. But I'm not your frontman. I'm an analyzer, get to the root of the issue, behind the scenes kind of person. I say that more as a declaration to myself than to inform someone else. Its common for me to feel pressured into 'fronting' something and then wonder why I'm on the verge of tears and falling apart. As much as we'd like them to help us out sometimes, hands just aren't very good ears.

Well Fine Then!

Relationships are so complicated sometimes, its a wonder anyone can stand anyone anymore.  Even with the better intentions, we all find a breaking point in our tolerance.  There's only so much discomfort, pain, neglect, punishment, disregard (the list is endless) a person can take, right?  Nobody wants to be a doormat, waste their time or cast their pearls before swine.  Especially in our material possessions, we are more likely to trade in for a new one than be patient with the old one. 

I know of a story about a married couple who had two children, but lost one of them to a drunk driving accident.  The family was devastated, the couple's marriage grew rocky at best.  As time went on, the parents began to grieve separately and in their own way.  The father checked out completely - didn't know how to deal with the pain, so he didn't.  The mother was much more conscious of her distress and continually reached out to her husband, but he retreated more and more. The story ends badly with the husband cheating and leaving to start a new family.  Saying what one should do in a situation is not my point today.  The concept of holding on a little bit longer, enduring a little bit more for the sake of a relationship, out of pity and compassion for someone else's pain and struggle is not familiar to our modern societies.  We are all in it for ourselves.  When the world stops cooperating, its just natural to write it off.  In friendships, marriages, parent-child relationships, we come to expect needs to be met by others.  When they aren't, we let them know.  When they still aren't met, we pitch a fit, we cut them out, we leave.  But what if they needed from you when you needed from them? What happens then? The couple in the story were just that way. They both needed things from each other, but didn't give because of their own pain.  

You've Come A Long Way, Baby!

Well, its been a while. In a couple of weeks we'll be at four months since Randy was laid off. Neglecting this blog was never an intentional thing, but sometimes emergency mode diminishes unnecessary things to the point of expulsion.  Randy still does not have a job, so to speak, but we have come a long way! He has found a new direction for his career that we both feel really good about.  I have started my own tutoring business that promises continued growth. And, so far, we've not gone into any kind of debt.  All in all, we've been blessed. 

Throughout this process, the pendulum of positive vs negative has been a constant battle, much more than I thought was realistic at times.  One event, one meal, one conversation can have so much power for good or bad.  Stability, security and expectation of the future are luxuries we had come to rely so heavily on. When they are gone, its not so bad at first, but after a while it feels like a sick joke.  How many decisions could I simply not make because I didn't know where we would be and how we would be living at some point in the future!  Thankfully, it is forcing us to face ourselves pretty regularly.  As members of a fast-paced, civilized society, its natural to become absorbed by our surroundings, focusing on trivial, unimportant things and completely forgetting the magnitude of each decision and how it impacts our soul.  Not having everything easy and normal reminds you that stability and normalcy should not depend on this social expectation of a 9-5 job with benefits and an office cube. If you have it and want it, praise the Lord! Since we don't, we are reminded to praise the Lord anyway! Randy and I both hate rigid schedules that only produce financial fruit anyway. Making the world better, doing something that matters, appreciated God's creation and learning to live life on God's terms, not man's, is much more fulfilling in the long run.

When In Plenty, When In Want

They say be careful what you wish for and they are right.  

Randy has contemplated a job/career change for quite a while now.  Recently, we had determined that it was wise to stay at his current job because the income and added benefits were too good to pass up.  Still, he had joked about the economic downturns and the instability of his job, saying that he kinda wished he would get laid off because it would force him to go in another direction. But overall, he confessed to me, he was getting into a nice groove at work.  

In another aspect of our life, we have both (but he especially) have been studying more and desiring spiritual growth more significantly than before.  So much so that on Wednesday night after services we challenged each other (partially joking, partially serious) to a race to spiritual maturity.  Hope and intentions were very high.

Thursday morning Randy came in the front door much too early for lunch with his hands full of stuff and greeted me with "Guess what happened to me today?"  Utterly perplexed I may have mumbled a "What?" but hardly having a chance to respond he says, "I got laid off today."

Of course, we are blessed with health, safety, education and ability to work so this period of want we are entering is still very plenty.  It's scary to say the least.  But its more ironic than anything else.  Randy longed for something else.  We longed to really grow.  God said, "Well, okay. Here you go." :)

Kicking over those mushrooms

Mushrooms amaze me how they can show up overnight and surprise you!  Regular living does nothing to anticipate their arrival or help you plan for them in any way.  Mushrooms are not a significant force in my life, of course, but they resemble hidden problems to me.  Problems, personal weakness or unfinished business can be overlooked SO easily and for so long. But then, just as the mushroom does, they appear as though overnight and magically.  The environment obviously was favorable for those mushrooms, any scientist could have safely predicted their arrival.  In the same way, some partially skilled outsider could have predicted the pitfalls about to arise in my life.  For that matter, I am capable of predicting these issues myself, but not nearly as diligent.  We try so hard sometimes and think that surely its enough.  Enough to get the world off our back, enough to fulfill a requirement, enough to get the job done.  But no matter what you do to your front lawn, the world around it sometimes creates an environment where mushrooms will grow.  It takes a daily 'kicking' sometimes to get rid of those mushrooms.  When will I ever learn? :)

Pushed Out In the Cold

Boy Meets World was a staple television show from my past that ran from 1993-2000.  In the final season the show sweethearts, Cory & Topanga, get married and in the episode "The Honeymoon is Over", they get a harsh bite of reality.  In not fully preparing for adulthood, they find themselves living in 'married dorms' at school that turn out to be the local slums. When Cory finally reaches out to his parents for salvation, they refuse to help him saying they have to figure this out themselves.   In 1999, when I first saw this episode, I was 19 years old and couldn't imagine parents being so heartless to their kids!  In the end, the couple makes the best of a horrible situation and learns many lessons, but I was still unconvinced that such tough love was necessary.  

The Honeymoon Is Over

Marriage is a good illustration, but I think its more applicable to adulthood in general. What I thought was so heartless was perhaps hard to swallow but very realistic and healthy.  Parents are given the responsibility to care and raise their children, but for what reason? So that they can do things for them the rest of their life. Some might think so, but that isn't the case. It is so that those same children will one day be able to do for themselves and eventually do for their own children in the same way.  But, like in Cory & Topanga's situation, if their parents had set everything up for them, they  never would have known how to adapt and function on their own completely.  There is a time to take training wheels off. Taking the training wheels off doesn't mean you won't fall. It means when you fall, you do the picking up and trying again.

I hate doing certain things by myself and can grow exceedingly impatient when Randy lectures me that its good to be able to take care of things on my own.  But he's right.  Sharing and helping are wonderful things, but not if they are handicapping or enabling a crutch. I like to be propped up, but I'm learning that propping myself up makes me so much stronger and able.