The Excuses We Tell Ourselves

If you've ever met Mr. Butler, you know that he has logic and mechanics of brain in abundance, empathy and compassion usually only come after the previous has been exhausted.   Of course, I'm the opposite.  Regardless of reality or logic, I feel the plight of man with every word presented to me. Problem solving around our house can be challenging to say the least.  It is common to hear him reject someone's statement as an excuse, while I am usually proposing the statement is an explanation tool.  Potato, potahto, right?  Either way, he has said something lately that resonated with me.  

"I wish people would just be honest and say they aren't going to or don't want to do something, rather than a huge drawn out excuse built to hide the fact that they just don't want to do something."

In context, it sounds harsh at first, but the more I've thought about it, the more I agree with it.  It happens all the time when someone complains or explains why they aren't/can't do this thing.  I can't lose weight, I have to spend this money, I just can't believe that's what God wants me to do, it would never work, etc.  Mostly, we're saying we don't want to do what it takes to avoid this circumstance and truth be told the majority of us don't like being told what to do - even if it's by science, economics or our moms.

It's a good habit for me, but it's more importantly a habit I'm hoping to teach my children.  When making a decision or statement, break it down to it's most simplest terms.  When we say, I can't get healthy or I don't have time to go to the gym, in most cases, we're really just saying that I don't want to eat differently or drive an extra 15 minutes and spend 45 minutes in the gym.  Once you say it out loud like that, if you can accept that statement as it is, then okay.  If we refuse to accept it's simplest form than we are deceiving ourselves somewhere along the way and it needs a closer look.

I think about my children choosing friends, jobs, colleges, mates, etc., and how blessed they might be if they are able to simplify why they choose one over another.  Sometimes we really do like people for their money or how important we feel at a job, but if we never consider what's really behind our motives, there is real danger lurking.

"The more successful you become, the more complicated life gets.  

Not being successful is easy.  Choose wisely."

-Mark Cenicola

The Chaos in Change

Dear change,
You know we've never had a good relationship. And while I still think you could be easier on me if you just tried, I'll be the bigger person this time and accept you as you are. But just remember, you owe me now. That means the future had better pan out well. Otherwise, I'm comin' to getcha!
Respectfully,
A cautious and yet-to-be-satisfied customer

Sometimes I think we define and view ourselves by the attributes we like or would like to have.  I pretend that I'm easygoing, open to new things, especially when I tell myself I want new things.  In reality, I don't handle change well.  Emotionally, I thrash about resisting and arguing with it, looking for the easiest solution to make me feel better.  That usually results in a rash decision that doesn't help me long term.  Thankfully, Mr. Butler's middle name is rational.  

So, have a good day and here's to chaos!

Rebellion

Rebellion.  I'm not a parent of a teenager and I haven't pulled somebody out of their rebellious fit, so I don't have answers when it comes to a rebellious spirit.  What I do have is some observations of what doesn't work and then my own heart that is tempted with rebellion from time to time.

Rebellion defined: The action or process of resisting authority, control, or convention. 

Personal rebellion isn't usually organized or reasonable.  It's emotional.  Pride and self-preservation are fierce competitors of being told you're wrong, for any reason, in any situation.  Humbling a rebellious spirit isn't something that just happens or someone can be pushed into.  It takes a relationship, kindness and a whole lot of prayer.  And even then it can be a gamble.

So, here are a few things that I've never seen work (on myself or anyone else).

Nagging: It's good to make your position known and clear.  But once that is done a constant chatter of how wrong they are usually just swells up the rebellion for rebellion sake.  If boundaries should be involved, enforce, but don't be a broken record.

Smug Looks and Condescending Words: Maybe you are 100% right and they are sooo wrong.  But an "I told you so" or a "You'll see" is not going to soften a rebellious spirit.  Ugliness on your part can only strengthen their feelings against you, no matter how right you might be.

Beating a Dead Horse: Whether it's a 16 year old with an attitude or a grown man with a vendetta, saying or doing the same thing over and over isn't the solution you're looking for.  With reckless and unwise behavior, lines sometimes have to be drawn and subjects have to be revisited.  But if you catch yourself taking the same approach, the same song and dance with no results, no apparent effect, then take the hint and do something different.

It seems pretty common that when someone disappoints you, you assume that if they just understood why you're upset with them then they would fix it.  And even more often when they don't seem interested in fixing it, we assume they must not have understood us the first time.  Maybe, but probably not.  Right or wrong, rebellion is emotional, rash and not easily controlled from without.  It's a heart problem.

Making Up Your Mind Long Before

There are several decisions I've made about my life and Jude's that aren't mainstream and lots of people have said they could never do.  Sometimes I get the impression that they think certain things are easy for me and wouldn't be for them.  Generally, hard is hard.

With Jude, in pregnancy and delivery, I went as natural as possible.  I took herbs and vitamins for all my needs and was blessed to be able to have him at home without any drugs.  Of course I think it's a great way to go if you can, but I'm not here to preach about how to have your babies.  My point is how big of an impact making up your mind beforehand makes on decisions, especially hard ones.

After about 2 hours of real labor with Jude (if not before) I was ready to get it over with.  If I had been in a hospital and had access to drugs, I expect you could have talked me into drugs pretty easily.  It hurt bad and all I could think of was making it stop.  If I hadn't made the decision long before we reached that stage, I'm not sure what the outcome would have been.

Think of any hard decision - and especially hard in the follow through.  Dieting, sexual purity, parenting, anything to do with patience or self-control! This is the kind of stuff we as a society battle over, don't we? In the heat of the moment - the dating scene, a child's tantrum, food temptation - making the right choice is soooo hard.  If the choice, however, has already been made days/weeks before, then it's not much of a problem.  If I don't buy or keep sugary foods in my house, then I don't even have to ask the question, "Will I eat this today?"  It's easier on me as a parent if Randy and I have decided before hand what sort of behavior is acceptable and what is not with Jude (what's off limits, what's the goal lesson, etc.).  If a couple agrees on certain boundaries BEFORE they become an issue, it makes purity a lot easier.

I'm very blessed with the opportunity to stay home with Jude and have a large say in how his life goes.  I realize that that isn't always the case.  I had a very low-risk healthy pregnancy and not everyone has that.  My husband was out of school and working full-time before we even got married.  Not everyone has that.  Life is never under our complete control, try as we might.  I am reminded daily how much I owe to God's grace and mercy on me.  But, working my tail off to prepare for what kind of outcome I want pays off too.  I never get everything just the way I want it, but I get so much closer than if I didn't try at all.

2012 is a great opportunity to try this idea out.  Think of one outcome you'd really like to see come to pass next year.  What things can you do/decide right now (beforehand) to ensure that result?  A few things I'm thinking about is losing 30 pounds by spring-ish time, growing closer with the women of my congregation, and preparing to be a homeschooling mom.  What are you thinking about?

Let's talk about 2012..

I know, I know.  Christmas isn't even here yet!  How can we even think about 2012?  If you're like me, waiting until December 31st  probably means nothing is going to happen!  So, to help my family and I enter 2012 with vision, passion and follow through, we need a plan.  Here are a few questions I'm going to try to answer for myself to narrow down what's really important and what I need to do to accomplish that.

-What big events are happening for me/us in 2012?

-How was I disappointed in 2011? What things could I have done to change that?

-Does the amount of time I spend every week proportionate to my/our priorities?  In other words, are we spending the most time on the most important things?  If not, how can we change that?

-Who do I want to be closer to this next year?

-Who/what needs more attention this year?

-What areas of my life am I ashamed of?  What can I do to improve them?

-If I (or a close family member) were to die tomorrow, would that change any of my answers or shift my priorities?

-Have I considered the eternal consequences to all of these things?

What kind of a year do you hope to have? Prosperous, healthy, peaceful, contented, generous?  Let's begin envisioning that year today! 

Tough Decisions

As a teenager and young adult, claustrophobia is a common ailment.  To just get out from under the thumb of parents and teachers, come and go as you please and just LIVE - that is the cry of all-too-soon-to-be adults.  And then, before you know it, you've found yourself on the brink of things larger than you and you hold the power switch.  You can stay or go, say yes or no, buy or save - the decisions are piling up.  And then it hits you.  THIS is the reason everyone says don't grow up too fast and enjoy the freedom while it lasts.

I have several people on my mind this morning that are in the throws of making tough decisions.  Financial choices, relationship choices, faith choices - they are all there.  And in the end, loving and trusting them as I do, I expect they will make good - dare I say right? - decisions.  But that doesn't make them any less tough.    Do I take a job in another state?  Do I risk rejection by applying for a new job? Should I sell my house? Should I buy a house?  Is God really worth sacrificing anything for? What about all the dreams and plans I had? We all start things with expectations, hopes, big plans.  And then the doing of it takes over, which brings choices and compromises and ultimately disappointments.  It's just tough that we can't have it all.  I'm not saying choosing one over the other isn't worth it, but I know as much as anybody how it feels to want it all - so badly.

About the time Randy and I got engaged, he was looking for a job.  He was going to be graduating soon and then getting married in the fall, so we were having to make some serious life decisions with very little practical experience under our belt.  He was offered jobs in San Antonio, TX, Kansas City, MO, Tulsa, OK and OKC.  In retrospect, we both feel like he should've taken the one in San Antonio or KC but we (I) was afraid to move out of Oklahoma.  But, he learned a lot about what he wanted in a job by staying too long at one he hated and then learned how unfulfilling the oil field was for him.  And then, after getting laid off, we learned a host of other things.  All in all, it brought us here - a great job, a great situation for having Jude and lots of lessons learned.

I think it is really easy to criticize others for the choices they make.  "If it were me, I would..." But it's not me and if it really were, I'd be less quick to open my mouth so wide.  I guess my point today is to encourage myself and everyone else to honor others because of the tough choices we make every day.  Adulthood isn't easy and everybody deserves a pat on the back sometimes for making the tough decisions.