Trust Issues

I have trust issues.  I tried to think of another, more clever way of starting this post, but that's really the only place to start.  Even though Randy has proven time and time again that he wants good things for me, too often I don't trust him to fill my needs.  Instead, I assume (first BIG mistake) that he won't and then complain (which sometimes looks like nagging or throwing a fit, second BIG mistake) to him, usually before I've given him a realistic chance to even try.  

Even though the last time I was told "I don't want to be friends with you" or "Please don't come with us because we don't want you around" was when I was 12 years old, I think, I still expect that people are thinking it and just may say it to my face one day.  I get nervous talking to people a lot and often talk myself OUT of talking in the first place.  Or, because I'm nervous, I say something goofy or bizarre and then hate myself for the rest of the evening in expectation that others are disliking me.  There are so many great people I've encountered in my life that, to this day, I REALLY wish I were closer with, but I've not honored the friendship enough, mostly because of my own fears and they've certainly found more loyal friendships.

Even though God has blessed me richly in so many things and answered my fervent prayers in so many ways (far better than I intended when I asked), I still (very often) refuse to go to Him with things and even more refuse to trust that He really will work it out.  Instead, I worry, bicker within myself, try to control, control, control and then emotionally throw myself on the floor boo-hooing about everything being too much.  I know, it's pretty ridiculous.

So, I have trust issues.  And you know what I find so precious, amazing and shaming to me at the same time?  (So far) My son doesn't seem to have an untrusting bone in his body.  It's beautiful.  He's like his dad, in that, he takes first encounters to gather information, but once he's taken it all in, he's all smiles and friendly.  Today, I am trying to be teachable about trust.  Without trust, life is a very ugly picture.  I know it because somedays that is the only picture I see and it's ugly!  This great picture from my brother's wedding warms my soul and reminds me to trust, if no one else, God.  He's pulling the wagon so we can trust we'll get where we need to be!
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Comments

buttcheese said…
I have to admit, I've been mulling this post over all day trying to think of something wise and profound to say. But, after all that thinking I've come up with nothing. I have the same struggle and I appreciate your honesty!
Laura said…
Hmmmm....I have exactly the same problem...I never think people really want to be my friends...or at least they won't want to be if I ever showed them the real me. I'm so grateful God always loves me always.

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