Be the Helpers

I have this really great friend who is probably my most favorite person to just cut to the chase of life with.  Small talk and polite hesitation just isn't something we usually do and certainly not her way.  Her super power is to say just what she thinks -especially in regards to the important matters of life - and not be bothered by any awkwardness that ensues.  I'm not really talking about rudeness, just more like the true friend love that knows you may regret this horrible choice you are about to make.

I, on the other hand, hate confrontation.  I despise awkwardness.  Even on TV!  The Office is a favorite of Mr. Butler and I's, BUT sometimes Michael Scott's ridiculous awkwardness is just too much for me.  And it's not even real.  So, I have always avoided the straight-talk kind of conversations unless someone else is asking my opinion.  As I get older, I have some regret about not being more willing to try to help others when they are clearly going in a foolish direction.  One of the privileges of knowing people for over 20 or 30 years is that you get to see the results of early life choices and it is evident now that those adolescent events are so shaping and unfortunately condemning if left uncorrected. 

Why am I talking about any of this?  I want to encourage you to always be a helper.  Moms and Dads, teach your kids to be helpers.  Teenagers, the way you treat others - especially those in your peer group - will change them for better or worse.  In the chaotic moments of adolescence, I know you feel like it's every man for himself, but in 20 years you'll see what kind of effect you had.  Will it be meaningful and good? Or was it hurtful and negligent?  Every man is responsible for their own actions, of course.  But haven't you seen all the hurt and dysfunction that many, many children - maybe even you - grow up in?  Maybe love and attention from you or your family could change their life? 

Something I've decided to work on is my ability to do good in spite of discomfort or awkwardness.  I'm really bad at it - like brain racing, blood pressure spike, and just foolish talking - but I'm hoping that the pregnancy/new mom brain will start to improve and I can be more purposeful with my words.  There's always going to be tragic ends and self-inflicted pain and suffering, but I think we can save some.  And I think that matters.

Know Your Child Today

One of the most fun things to do with a newborn baby is to see who he looks like.  From the very start, we look at these beautiful children with comparing eyes ready to categorize them in some way.  From your dad’s eyes to your brother’s pouty lip, we look for the familiar, don’t we?  Those familiar traits instinctively draw out deeper love and connection!   As that child grows, the categorizing continues into realms of behavior, attitudes, and temperament.  This cataloging is one of the reasons parents should be considered the expert on their child.   We are seeing it all and constantly studying to further know and connect with our children.  One of the advantages of homeschooling and being your kids’ primary instructor is an even greater knowledge of our children’s skills and limitations.  But have you looked intently at who your child is with a mind open to seeing changes or misconceptions? Are you focusing on understanding them as much as you are their academic record?  While we may be experts, infallible we are not. 

I have known a few families where one child goes astray in one way or another and a common denominator is always the lack of understanding or acknowledgement in this child’s differences.  Often the parents treated the child as though they were (or should be) just like them (commonly the same gender parent).  To a misunderstood and immature mind, when core personality traits aren’t understood, all the parents’ instruction and guidance can come into question.  Truly knowing and acknowledging our children – especially when they are not like us in some significant ways – is critical to fully equipping them to succeed and glorify God with their life.

My mother is a very extroverted (gets energy from people) person while my father is introverted (gets energy from being alone).  No one ever said I should feel a certain way other than obeying God, but somewhere I got in my head that since my mother is a girl then I would be like her because I am a girl.  Turns out I’m very introverted - like my dad - but spent the first 20 years of my life not really knowing the difference and pushing myself to lengths that just made me sick and miserable.  I’m 36 and still struggle with the compulsion to be a people person, but physically just can’t keep up.  This wasn’t some grand neglect on the part of my parents but more of a lack of vocabulary on the subject.   We now have mainstream tools like love languages, temperaments, and color codes to better understand each other, as long as we pay attention.  In knowing our children, we’re really talking about blind spots.  Parents don’t set out to ignore or misunderstand their children.  In some cases, children don’t ever communicate feelings of disconnect or difference until there’s already a major problem.  It’s asking the questions you think you already know the answers to and being willing to shift gears when you’re surprised at the responses.  It’s about being faithful to revisit who your children are today.

This content was originally published at  Homeschooling with Heart, The Old Schoolhouse Blog.