Wednesday, August 3, 2011

What's it Worth?

When I was pregnant with Jude, one of my greatest fears was that he wouldn't breath right away after his birth.  I had no reason to believe he should have breathing problems, I just knew that sometimes it took them a bit to start.  That kind of anticipation, the thought of it, killed me! Thankfully, the Lord blessed him with very healthy lungs and he breathed immediately.

This morning, like many mornings, I peeked into his crib while he was sleeping, just to watch his little chest rise and fall.  His lungs are so little and it is so amazing to me that they just keeping doing what they do.  We know how fragile that little body is and how just the slightest damage to anything can totally change the terrain.  Every time I peer in and he's sucking away at that pacifier or those lungs are bringing him air, I thank God for this precious little soul he's given me and then I hold my breath for a moment.  Am I giving Jude what he is owed, in his joyful innocence?  Not what I feel like giving him or what's left over after I've gotten caught up in the rest of the world, but what I owe him by choosing to bring him into this world?

It's so easy for me to allow my worries, my self esteem issues, my selfish desires to impact my moods, behavior and outlook on life.  I don't want Jude to have to deal with all of that.  He shouldn't have to.  I do understand that children can't and shouldn't be the continual center of everything.  That's not really what I'm talking about.  There is just a whole host of gifts I can give my son that will only be given by purposeful action on my part.

-Trust and knowledge that his parents love each other and are deeply committed to their life together
-A knowledge of God that is true, strong and not distorted by my/our personal baggage.
-Opportunities to explore the world, time to play in all kinds of backdrops.

Perhaps I'm stepping on a soapbox by now and should gracefully bow out. I just know that some things are worth not having as much money, not fulfilling all the 'dreams' of my youth, less than perfect housekeeping, cutting out the time-wasters and staying committed to some things, even when other people might criticize.  And for me, Jude is totally worth all of that and more.

Take some time today to think about what is worth the most to you.  And then look to see if all other areas of your life are appropriately serving it/them.  If I don't work at it, my life serves selfish, futile desires to fulfill expectations (real and imagined) of the infamous 'THEY' - not God, not even usually the people I care about and care about me.  And THEY are not worth the effort, no matter what magazines, media or my own fears might try to tell me.

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