Upon our arrival to the great city of Austin, Texas last week, it became strikingly clear that the layout of the city (street names, exits, etc.) was not like home. Since I'm used to being confused when it comes to directions or maps, this didn't bother me so much. It's just another adventure. For Randy, whose logical lifestyle is what makes us so good for each other, maps or locations that are not logical bother him greatly. So, after a couple of days into our trip, we set out to go pick up dinner quickly and watch a movie we had rented. Through no real fault of our own except inexperience, we did not return for another 45 minutes. Let's just say it was a trying time for everyone's patience.
I share this experience with you because I noticed something by the end of it. Just like Randy has a hard time being patient when things don't proceed how they should, I have a history of not being patient with Randy when he's not being patient! It's kind of a mess just to say it! This time around, I did really well. It was like (for the first time ever, I think) I was conscious of my own attitude on the matter and it didn't have to be influenced by his. The way I've (always?) lived my life has been dependent on the circumstances/moods/opinions/younameit of others and, in case you're wondering, that doesn't work. Only if everyone around you is perfect and work their hardest to make your life perfect regardless of how they feel. When you can find that, give me a call! Anyway, it was clear that day that I wasn't in a bad mood, not being able to find what we were looking for was just an adventure, good story and laughable and I was NOT upset by it all. So, if it bothered him, why did it have to bother me?
I might be the only person who has lived this way on occasion (if not constantly) but I expect I'm not. Living my life in spasms isn't really living.
For me, it feels like releasing all control, responsibility and peace, just to say "I can't handle this so I'm going to beat on you a while until you make it easier!" I'm not talking about the kind of control we release to God, just to be clear. I'm talking about sitting in a car with someone who is increasingly aggravated and having a choice: #1 Hate that they are upset and criticize them further for being upset, thus allowing their frustration to some how dictate how I handle the situation or #2 Stay centered on the peace I'm seeking after daily and do my best to help him weather a difficult situation.
I'm a little jumbled today so sorry for the meanderings but do you get what I'm talking about? How do you avoid living life in spasms?
Thursday, February 25, 2010
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