A couple of weeks ago, Mardels had a sale on books and I got The Messie's Manual, acknowledging my tendencies to just let things go. I really started reading it Monday and by yesterday morning I was downright depressed. I'm not such an awful housekeeper, when I try, but more than anything it spoke of my mental messiness and disorganization. A lot of the attitudes or struggles it depicted were totally me. I'm a perfectionisit, a little ADD when left alone sometimes, a little OCD depending on the circumstance, emotionally motivated and overall highly sensitive to boot, leaving me like a spoon in a blender - likely to get scratched up from any given direction.
-I used the spoon in a blender analogy with my mom on the phone and after she laughed a little bit, she asked where I even thought of that - had I read it somewhere? No, actually I accidentally left a spoon in the blender. I was making a fruit smoothie in an attempt to mask the taste of some protein powder (that tastes disgusting - leaving an aftertaste like diet soda does) and well, it wasn't blending up very well. The chunks were staying around the edge, I guess I didn't have enough liquid in it, and I was using a spoon to push them to the middle. It took several tries and on one of them it made a lot of noise but didn't seem to be getting anywhere. Meanwhile I couldn't find my spoon. As absentminded as I am, I literally figured I had misplaced it - so I kept looking for it, all while the blender was blending. For about 45 seconds, I'm letting the blender just go crazy because it sounded like it was doing something and I searched for my spoon. Thankfully it didn't mutilate it, just scratch the bottom up.
So, anyway I've been a bit depressed, mostly because I don't know what to do about myself - I want to be different, but sometimes my brain just gets so foggy and I don't know what to do. It doesn't help that I'm VERY task oriented (focused only on what I'm doing right NOW, without keeping in mind what I want to accomplish long term) unlike my VERY goal oriented husband (able to accomplish each task in context of greater goal, focusing on only those things that will aid in accomplishing said goal). With this fog clearly in my heart yesterday morning, I finished reading my Bible and eating breakfast, finally moving to my office. My intent was to check my email and then work on my table of contents for my thesis. So, as I'm booting up my laptop, I lean over to boot up Randy's as well (he has word, my laptop doesn't). In the process I accidentally knock down my laptop from the window sill. Why is it in the window? Well, because that's the only spot I can get internet service of course, duh! With as clumsy and disorganized as I can be, this is obviously not the first time I've dropped my computer, but it may be the last for a while. After a long process of desparation and effort, I determined the damage may be fatal or really expensive. Insult to injury right? You betcha!
After I cried and cried, I accepted the fate of my beautiful apple ibook, realizing nothing on it was vital at the moment and Lord willing I'll be getting a job, I'll soon enough be able to repair it or even better get a new one!! Still didn't do much for my state of mind. So, I cleaned up, using some tips from my little manual and did pretty well, but still unsure how to 'get my act together'. However, I'm now under strict orders to write - no matter what - to write. When the balloon of emotion in between my lungs and rib cage starts filling up with overwhelming thoughts and gushing tears, I must sit down and write it all out. Evidently the balloon is placed there so that I will be forced to expression.
This is the most absurd week I have ever had. After I wrote the stuff above, I eventually decided to take Grace on a walk, something we typically do around lunch time. Today there was a big moving truck outside our neighbors house, which Grace was enamored with - she was scared of it, but drawn to it. I was wearing an OU hoodie that has a ripped pocket in the front, allowing things to slide out of it easier when I bend down. Well, Grace wouldn't come very easily and just about tripped me trying to get to the silly truck, in the process I drop my phone and I'm not sure if I stepped on it or what but it split in half. It's a flip phone and the two moving parts are now separated. Can I get a little mercy from somewhere? I don't think it can be fixed very easily either - some tiny wire was pulled apart. Something is happening - I'm getting the message over and over...Maybe I should just not move - don't touch anything, don't do anything...